Dililah

-Four-

• Journal

  • Everyone Loves Vegas September 7th 2018, 5:45 pm

    

    
    
    I remember that night clearly. The very last night I saw him. And it seems my subconscious wanted me to remember it like it was yesterday, too. I woke up with my heart aching, mind racing and desperately wishing I could just pick up the phone and call him. I'm not sure what brought it on. Maybe it's the fact that he hasn't called. Maybe it's my mind, trying to make up for lost time and wanting to torment me more, by making me remember that he's not here. I've been spiraling and I've been hiding it behind all smiles and the foundation under my eyes to hide the fact that I've not been sleeping. I should be talking JR. Or Ephram. Fuck. I should be talking to someone about what I'm going through, but they've got too much shit on their plate right now and I don't want to worry them.
    
    Every little detail of that night... I remember every second of it.
    
    Several Years ago...
    
    

    

    
    
    Swick had text me, telling me he was coming over and that we were going out. I had already gotten my PJs on, poured myself a bowl of cereal, and sat down to watch a movie. When I heard that ring tone I had set for his texts came on, it was almost immediately, that I picked it up and read the text. Part of me wanted to stay in for the night. But I can't tell him no. I've never been able to tell him no. So what did I do? I got up, did my hair, got dressed and he was already at my place before I finished getting ready. We didn't exactly have a destination in mind. I told him I would go wherever he wanted. Vegas... The beaches of California... Of course, Vegas was a bit closer, so we ended up there, instead. It was late by the time we got there, but who cares? It was Vegas!! And I was with my best friend. The whole night felt... Different. Strange. I didn't want to really think on it too much. He and I were hanging out and that's all I cared about.
    
    He handed me money and bought me a drink. I tried to tell him that he didn't have to give me his money to gamble with. That $100 was a lot. (To me, anyhow) But Swick is hard headed, just like me. Wouldn't take no for an answer.. So we went to the craps table and lady luck seemed to be on my side. Though, after just a short while, I had a better idea. Noticing a tattoo shop across the way in the casino, the artist looked bored. And then I had the insane idea of asking him if he wanted to get bestie tattoos. Swick already has so many, and I only had the one at the time that Gracey did for me. He agreed. After one more successful shot at luck, we went over there. I found a design I liked that was neutral enough. An arrow, adjusted to Swick's own design idea to include "Double Trouble" on the shaft of the arrow. Then, he put some cool sound waves in there that he said stood for "Best Friends." I trusted him and didn't think much of it. We got them in similar places. On our arms, just below the ditch.
    
    While I was getting tattooed, he held my hand. I wasn't sure what to say. All I could do was give him that stupid girly grin I tend to do anytime he does something I find cute. And then after I finished, we swapped placed and I put his hoodie on. I told him that afterwards, that we should go to the beach when he asked what we wanted to do after. It'll be a long night but I didn't care. I didn't even want the night to end. Who would have thought that a night like that could have been more perfect?
    
    

    

    
    
    I had stolen his hoodie when he got his tattoo. Afterwards, we did one loop around the fountains since I hadn't really seen them. God, they were beautiful. I would really like to go back there one day... The long drive to the beach was peaceful. To be honest, it was one of my favorite parts to the night. The closeness to him and the joy of it... We had gotten there just as the sun started to come up. We walked for a bit and goofed off before it had started to get to be that time we had to head back. And of course, I needed to make sure I had a picture to remember that moment by. Not because I thought I'd ever forget, but because memories are everything to me, and I wanted the visual of how happy I was in that moment.
    
    Just as I snapped the picture, he kissed me on the cheek! I had never been so confused, dumbfounded and happy in my entire life. Usually, I'm the one kissing him on the cheek. I had done that when we first got to the beach to say thanks. But he's never actually kissed me on the cheek. Not that I can recall. It's the perfect picture. I have it printed and sitting on the night stand. It's one of the very few things I grabbed in the short few minutes I had to pack before heading to Basin City. Hell... It's actually the FIRST thing I grabbed.
    
    On the way back home, we stopped by a diner, talked and joked around. He asked me to look after Ollie while he was out of town and I, of course, agreed. I love little Ollie. The rest of the trip, I could feel myself dragging, but I kept close. It was weird, though. When he dropped me off, I had went to give him back his hoodie, but he told me to keep it and give it back to him later. I didn't think anything of it but there's was something about the way we parted, that felt different. A feeling I couldn't understand, but I didn't question it. I simply hugged him and kissed him on the cheek and went on inside, telling him to drive home safe and pretty much fell asleep as soon as I got in the door.
    
    Later in the day day, I found out that when he told me, 'I'll be gone for a few days' I hadn't imagined that it would be years. That he chose to spend the last night of freedom with me and make sure it was filled with nothing but happiness and fun. I spent most of the afternoon trying to get into contact with him. I hadn't turned on the news or the radio until I decided to turn music on. That's when I heard about it. Arrested for charges on assault, battery and arson. I swear my heart stopped in that moment. That my whole world began to crumble around me just with the knowledge that I'm not going to get to call him when I need him. That I'm not going to get to see him unless it's behind a thick window of glass. That's if I was even allowed to visit.
    
    The next thing I knew, my chest felt tight and I started cry and fell to my knees. I was mad that he didn't tell me. I was heart broken that he got taken away. But the thing that stood out for me most is the fact I've been holding in what I actually felt for him because I didn't understand them. I was confused. Shit, I still kind of am and it's been several years. I spent the day in my apartment in bed. I ignored JR's calls and anyone else that tried to call me after damn near ripping into JR for not telling me what happened. And I somehow had it in my head, that it was the club's fault for all of it. I know now, that I shouldn't have blamed the club for it. But I did.
    
    It took me over a week to actually get up the courage to leave my apartment, much less get out of bed. It was in that moment, that I didn't realize how much I actually leaned on Swick when I was depressed. And how much he truly helps me when I need it the most.
    
    God, I fucking miss him. My stomach is in knots and I feel like this is setting me back even more. I've been holding onto this facade that I'm alright when I don't think I ever healed from that day. And the events that happened weeks ago just threw me even further into my depression and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to give up. I really want to fucking call it quits. But I can't. And I wont.
    
    I wont hurt my brother and everyone else I love like that again.
    
    

    

  • Jobs, Barbecues, Booze & Cops September 1st 2018, 9:40 am

    It's been a few weeks since we moved. Everyone is still healing from the loss of people we've all loved dearly and I think I've been so caught up in making sure everyone else was okay, that I forgot to make sure I was okay. Sure, I mourned a little bit, but I don't think I completed the process. I got into a new apartment and then I went right into job-searching. There's so many law offices here but they're all full and no one wants to take me on because I've never had any experience with being a lawyer. But how am I supposed to get experience if no one wants to hire me? I'll figure something out. Maybe go down to the court system and take a bunch on small, bullshit cases...
    
    

    

    
    
    Yesterday was the day though, that we had our big barbecue event. People from all over town have seen the flyers and heard about it in passing, so the turn out was... Huge. I have to say though, Tramp did a good job with putting everything together! The clubhouse looks fucking fantastic, too. I put on my best face and JR and I rode in together. I could have hit him with the way he rode between traffic. But it's alright. It was amazing to see everyone I hadn't in the past several weeks. I saw Gracey, Lylla, and Mary. Shit, they're a sight for sore eyes. I don't know Mary too well, but she seems like a cool gal. I hadn't seen Ephram in a long while, either. I missed him a lot. He's so much like another brother to me, that I consider him blood!
    
    Most of the event, I had been selling tickets and greeting people for the raffle. It was such a fun experience. But half way in, we met some other dude Mary said was a cop. Some red-headed Irish dude who really just made me feel uncomfortable. I didn't hear all of the conversation, but it was somewhere along the lines of 'he hears all' or some shit. Who the fuck cares. We weren't doing anything wrong. Not that I was aware of. Either way, I had gotten a call in the middle of the event, saying I had an early morning interview with one of the law firms and had too lock up shop on the tickets and head out a little bit early. Ephram got one of the prospects to take me home and when I got there, I prepped all night for this interview.
    
    The interview process was daunting... It felt like hours and the questions I thought they would ask, they didn't. And then all the questions they did as, I hadn't been prepared for. But the didn't seem to know any different and were pleased with the bullshit answers I gave them. At least, that's what I thought. I got a call this morning, saying that they found someone with more 'experience' and that they would keep my application on board if they need to hire another intern later on. God, this is when I wish everyone wasn't so busy with club stuff.. Swick is sitting in jail, Ryker is dead and I just need someone to vent to! I don't want to bother Ollie with any of this. He's in the same boat with the stress of having to move.
    
    I need a drink... Or ten. I need to get out of my own head and let loose. Leave my phone at home and go surround myself with dancing and people I don't even know. Get lost in music or something... Fuck this. I need to lose myself for a while.
    
    

    

  • The Tragedy August 22nd 2018, 8:36 pm

    

    
    
    I don't know why I'm writing. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I can't sleep in this shitty ass motel that we've all taken residence in. I miss my loft, and it's not even been one day. I wont forget that look that Jameson gave me. A look that I should have registered as wrong. The broken voice should have tipped me off that something was severely wrong and this wasn't the usual bullshit I let myself get dragged into. I've always held resentment towards the MC but never the people that's in it. Is that even possible? I told him I didn't want to go with him. That I was done dealing with the repercussions of their club. But I don't know why I immediately assumed it was something they did. But he told me I wouldn't have a life here if I stayed. That if I didn't come with him, I would wind up dead in less words. He didn't really need to say it out right.
    
    I was angry. I was hard on him when I shouldn't have been... It wasn't until we finally got out to the outskirts of town and noticed that not all of the MC was there. Not even our father. That's when I realized why he was so upset. I looked at him and he gave me confirmation with a simple nod. Neither one of us spoke words. We can tell what the other is thinking or saying usually... I had a pain for the loss of our father, but I didn't cry for him. He meant less to me than he did, to Jameson. I cried for those whom I thought of as brothers that fell along side my father. I cried for those that only ever cared for me and supported me. But what hurt me the most is seeing how badly it messed up my brother. I love him with every fiber of my being, and I never want to see him hurt.
    
    

    I don't know what to do...