Marra

remedy

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  • The Yacht

    Crowley dragged me out to another party like event and it was easier. I'm getting over Steffan I think. It's easier with Crowley and Caspian around, they keep me from thinking about him and I think that made it easier. I'm back to normal and doing what I need to do, working at getting the bar open with Crowley's help. Well, his help is mostly saying he'll go "talk" to people for me when I'm frustrated with someone. His way of talking isn't exactly what I would call talking.. But it's Crowley, he's basically a personal bodyguard that I didn't even hire.
    
    The party was on a yacht. Funny that he'd bring a siren on a boat full of people.. Even though he knows that I could easily drown them all, not that I would, but we both know that I've been tempted to at times. I guess resisting things that your species does is harder than I thought.
    
    Turns out the yacht was the target of a heist? Which I didn't really understand. Who would target a yacht that had a few random guests, none of us were extremely rich, all it did was get people killed and by people, I mean the people who attacked the yacht. Crowley snapped one of their necks before setting their ships on fire as we left.
    
    I really don't understand why people do certain things, especially when we live in a city where you know there are things like Crowley.

  • Sharks in Business Suits

    I went to the aquarium after I came back to Basin City. Something to get me out of the hotel and not continue to focus on Steffan. If I stay in the hotel room and do nothing, I'll never move on and I won't let myself be that kind of woman.
    
    
    
    It was going well and I felt good about myself, leaving to Basin City after being with Caspian and his family for a few days. Taking time to get away from Steffan and the memories. He's moving here too so I won't be alone, I'll have him and Crowley.
    
    First thing I need to do is look for a job in this city.. I have money saved up but it won't last forever and Steffan is no longer there telling me I don't have to work, he'll "take care of me".. I should have gotten a job as soon as we moved here. I should have expected that he would leave. Everything had been different since we moved here.
    
    There was a man at the aquarium who walked into the shark tank I was viewing. He seemed to be having a disagreement or something with a woman who clearly had an interest in him, but he had no interest in her and shooed her away as if she was a buzzing fly.
    
    I've never been that good at holding my tongue. It's a problem I've had and I know one day it will get me in trouble, but as this man approached me and asked if I thought he was too harsh on the woman. I spoke before I really thought. Told him flat out that he was a bit of an ass.
    
    He seemed to find this amusing and ended up laughing, introducing himself as an acquaintance of Crowley or well, Crowley was doing work for him. I've never known Crowley to work for anyone because of money. I know he doesn't need money so I can only assume he is doing it for fun. This man, Braedan Black is just someone that interests Crowley and gives him something to do.
    
    
    As we continued talking and I accepted the drink of champagne that I watched him open, taking small sips here and there between our conversation. I began to realize that Braedan is a confident man. He seems much like how Caspian was when I first met him. Confident, assertive, flirtatious, and overall sure that he can get whatever he wants.
    
    Of course, I've never been one to fall for the charms of a man easily. Caspian knows this better than anyone. I hadn't fallen for his Casanova attitude back in San Angeles, even if I did begin to fall in love with him later, it hadn't been because of that persona he put on. I suspect Braedan is the same way and I feel that in the future when he meets a woman that changes his ways, he'll stop his suggestive flirtatious attitude.
    
    Braedan is a good looking man, I will give him that, but I can't help but feel like he is more dangerous than the sharks we admired.

  • Caspian

    After the break up with Steffan and wallowing in myself, spending a day with Crowley and trying not to think of how I screwed everything up. I decided to get out of Basin City, away from a city that reminded me of Steffan at every turn. Seeing the police station, looking at a cruiser and wondering what he was doing. He never even had a cruiser or a uniform, and yet, they made me think of him.
    
    I feel like I'm drowning in memories of that man. So I ran. It's something I do well and it's easy to do, switch back to what I did for four years before I met Steffan and stopped.
    
    I went back to Louisiana to check on the club and see how Caspian was doing after his coma. My luck seems to be the worst. The club burned down. Some stupid accident and somehow, the place went up in flames. I don't know why no one called me yet. Or maybe they did and because of everything, I just didn't answer them. It's possible.
    
    
    
    But now I'm not only homeless again.. I'm unemployed and have no reliable income. This couldn't get any better, could it?
    
    I drove to Caspian's, working up an apology in my head while Potato looked out the window excitedly, Mayonnaise was less thrilled over the car ride as she sat on the dashboard and glared at me. She hates cars. Potato loves them, he's such a happy dog.
    
    Nothing ever goes as planned for me. I should know this. As soon as I pulled up, Caspian met me outside with a look of surprise before he was frowning at me. A slight scowl on his face and I looked at the ground for some reason, waiting for him to scold me, yell at me for not talking to him, leaving him to recover alone with no word.
    
    Apparently, when you go off the radar for a week and don't contact someone it can make them worry. Who knew? I can see the irony in this moment, Caspian being worried about where I was for that week I didn't answer my phone. Something that he has done to me countless times.
    
    After he finished his lecture, telling me how worried he was and he didn't know if maybe something had happened to me. If I'd been dead in a ditch somewhere and in a few days he'd see my face on the news.
    
    I apologized, but not before breaking down when he brought up Steffan, telling me how he knew I'd chosen to be with Steffan but I should at least let Caspian know when I'd vanish.
    
    He knew something was wrong the minute I started sobbing in front of him like a child. The frustration he'd felt moments ago was gone and he just collected me in his arms, hugging me and holding me so tightly that it hurt a little but it was definitely needed.
    
    
    
    Even though he's in love with me and I love him, he didn't celebrate that Steffan had left me. He just held me for as long as I wanted as I cried in his arms and asked him questions he had no answers for.
    
    He couldn't answer and tell me what I wanted to hear, there was nothing for him to say and we sat on the couch for hours in silence aside from my sobs and hiccups.
    
    Caspian didn't ask me for details, he already knew them, he knew Crowley and I had made out before but it had ended. I ended that because I wanted Steffan more than I'd wanted Crowley.
    
    Caspian didn't judge me. He just held me and after a while, we played a strange game of tag as he tried to cheer me up. Singing stupid songs similar to the Three Little Pigs fairt tale, telling me the little mermaid to come out of hidng or he'd huff and puff and blow my house down.
    
    It worked. Caspian distracted me for hours and I wasn't crying anymore, I was smiling and laughing. Laying in his bed as he laid beside me, staring at me with that look in his eye that he always had, I know that look. I've had it in the past for Steffan and I've given Caspian that same look whenever we're just being dorks together.
    
    I don't know how long it will take for me to get over Steffan. If I can even get over him. He was such an important part of my life that I'm not sure what to do without him, but I'll manage. I have Caspian and Crowley. They won't let me spiral out of control. They'll help me.
    
    Caspian will always be there like he promised and I know he's telling the truth. He won't leave me for anything. He'll always be my shadow wolf. Trying to protect me from everything, even my own heartache.

  • Diving for Treasure

    It's been over a week since Steffan left me and I ended up in a hotel room for a while, not being able to stay any longer in our house. Being in a place that we lived together, our house, our home. It was too much and I couldn't stand it. Being there was almost as bad as staying where I lived with Dad.
    
    
    I left. I ran from the house, from the knowing stares of the neighbors who knew that Steffan had left me. I didn't belong in that neighborhood before and I certainly didn't belong in it after he was gone. I'm more suited to living in a car or some rundown hotel.
    
    I'm going to have to look for an apartment in Basin City soon, a place of my own, somewhere Potato and Mayonnaise can be without the worry of hotel staff growing annoyed with me living here with two animals.
    
    After a while, Crowley showed up. Like nothing was strange, knocking on my hotel door with sushi, chocolate, beer in his hands. Smiling at me with that grin but I could tell that he wasn't sure how to act. He knows what happened. It's hard not too when he left with Steffan. I didn't expect him to stay. He and Steffan have been together for years, so he'd naturally follow him. They're like brothers. I won't lie and say it doesn't upset me that Crowley was forgiven when he was part of the affair. It wasn't just me. I wasn't the only one who had been in that situation, Crowley was right there with me in those kisses and he liked it. I know he did because he would sneak kisses while Steffan was in the house. He got off on that. But Steffan still accepted him back while he cast me off.
    
    It's not Crowley's fault. I know and I'm trying not to feel bitter toward the hound because seeing him did make me feel better. He was a welcomed distraction from my own thoughts.
    
    We went out. To the beach, where it all started, not the exact beach but a beach. I think he thought the same thing. We were going to the ocean, the place that had started the affair and caused all of this to happen. There was no risk this time. I wasn't going to kiss him. He wasn't going to kiss me. He might be a sex-driven fiend, but he's grown to realize when there is a time for everything.
    
    Listening to Crowley tell me that Steffan was just as broken up about our separation as me. Hearing him say that he'd been moody and hardly leaves the house. Why is he telling me that? Does he think I'll show some sort of pity? If he didn't want to be like this. He shouldn't have left me. We could have tried to fix it. Work it out. Anything would have been better. But he made his choice and I can't let myself feel for him any more than I already do or I'll lose myself in him. In memories that don't mean anything.
    
    Instead, we focused on swimming and soon enough Crowley asked if I'd ever gone diving for sunken treasure. I have, but not on purpose, mostly just finding something while swimming and exploring it for fun. Just something to do while out in the ocean.
    
    I gave him a pearl because I do not plan to kiss him in order to help him breathe underwater, taking him out into the ocean, into the deeper waters and away from the beach. Into my world.
    
    
    
    I wasn't sure what he expected to find in old boats at the bottom of the ocean, from the look in his eyes, he wanted treasure, heaps of gold falling out of old bags, treasure chests filled with jewels. We didn't find that. Instead, he was awarded one silver ring and a gold necklace. The necklace he gave me since he said it was better suited to my tastes. A little golden fish with diamonds on its side curled around a white pearl.
    
    It is beautiful and maybe I can get it enchanted to replace the jewelry Steffan got me. I'm unable to wear his gifts anymore because it feels like they burn my skin. A constant reminder of what I lost.
    
    Crowley is staying the night, keeping me company because he can tell how hard it is for me to be alone after having someone beside me for two years. I haven't been sleeping well.
    
    I might need to get out of this city for a bit.

  • Goodbye, Steffan

    I think I saw this coming and just didn't want to believe it. After everything with Crowley.. The affair and how we were on thin lines before him, the tension as we both seemed to be just moving through life. Our spark from before wasn't there and no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to bring it back out of him.
    
    It isn't his fault or mine, not entirely, we both had a part in this and something just went wrong.
    
    We moved to a new city to try and fix it. A fresh start for us. I understood - I understand. I hated the idea of moving, he knew that, but I loved our house in Louisiana. It was ours. My first real home. My home with him.
    
    That was our place. Ours. The first place that would start the beginning of our lives. No belamy. No running. No living in a car. We wouldn't be alone, we'd have each other.
    
    We'd have each other and if I had him, I knew it'd be okay.
    
    
    I was wrong.
    
    I came home and I knew something was wrong. The air didn't feel right, Steffan was waiting for me in the living room, he looked like he always did, but just.. something was off. Something that made my stomach churn and he said we needed to talk.
    
    Nothing good ever comes from we need to talk.
    
    Part of me wanted to run. Refuse him. Not listen and come back later, act like I didn't know what was about to happen. Pretend I didn't know he was breaking up with me. I didn't want to believe it.
    
    But I was rooted to the ground, staring at him, my stomach filled with wasps and not butterflies. He hadn't even started and I felt sick. I felt like I was being punched in the stomach while force-fed at the same time. Nothing I've ever been through felt like this. Like my heart was being ripped from my chest. By the one person, I trusted more than anything. I know this is how he must have felt when I told him about Crowley.
    
    That's not something you can get over and I was stupid to think he'd be okay after, even if he acted like he was, we weren't the same. He knew it and I knew it, we just didn't want to believe it.
    
    
    We didn't want to believe that we weren't going to work out.
    
    I thought after we got together, after he started playing his games back in San Angeles, moving to Louisiana and keeping them going there. Once he won me over and we weren't just Marra and Steffan, friends who lived together. We were Steffan and Marra.
    
    I really thought that someday, I'd end up marrying him. We'd have the house, the stupid minivan that would have a car seat in the back. We already had the animals. All that was left was him asking me and us going down that road. Nervous and scared, but he'd tell me it was fine and we'd be okay if it was us. I'd believe him because I believed everything he said. He's my home... He kept me safe and loved me, and I loved him.
    
    He was home.. Now he's a memory that burns under my skin. He's a shadow playing tricks on me while I sit in this house, thinking he's going to walk through that door after work, sit on the couch ask what we're doing for dinner and rest his head on my shoulder.
    
    Now he's gone and I'm in this house alone.
    This time Steffan is gone and he's not coming back and my heart feels like it's been ripped out.
    

  • Mermen

    I met a merman today out in the ocean, taking a breather so to speak, finding something to do while Steffan and Crowley were at work. I want to find a job, something to do with my time when they're gone because the house is so lonely without them.
    
    The city is getting better, slowly, I still hate the idea of having to move again, but I know why. We need this.
    
    The merman was interesting, he saw me floating in the ocean with a crab pinching the end of my tail and just laughed, I don't think he meant too because he was pretty quick to clear his throat after. But I heard it.
    
    Overall, he was pretty nice. His name is Yosif and he lives here for as long as the oceans currents "keep" him here, apparently, he lives wherever it takes him. Sort of exciting.

  • California

    We moved again. I'm not happy about it and I know Steffan can tell. I already hate it here. I want our old house, our kitchen, the backyard with trees in it.. the swimming pool Steffan built for me because I needed a place to swim instead of the bayou.
    
    Crowley and him are on talking terms again, sooner than I thought it'd be. But I suppose it's better that they are talking.
    
    They're both cops now. Steffan got a job with some special police force and he seems excited about it. I'm a little disappointed that they don't have uniforms but I'll get over it...
    
    Crowley and Steffan love this place. I know it'll take time for me to get used to it. But so far.. I hate it. Even when they're both home, I feel alone.
    
    I know its my fault for how we are right now. Steffan's still hurt by the affair.. but I feel alone a lot of the times. The neighbourhood doesn't fit me. All of these housewives.. happy and eager to talk to Crowley and Steffan.
    
    I feel put of place in this city. I miss home. I miss how it used to be.
    
    I miss Caspian and Gerald.
    
    I hope Caspian shows up.. I miss him and I need him around. I need him to answer my calls.

  • The Truth

    It finally came out. I told Steffan I was cheating on him with Crowley in the past few months.. Told him that I broke it off and I know that doesn't fix it or anything, but I had to be honest with him. I knew it wouldn't be easy and I was terrified of saying it. Telling him that I've been having an affair, with Crowley of all people. I was expecting anger, screaming, growling, and maybe even a few things being broken because he was so hurt.
    
    None of that happened. He was calm.. No raised voice. No throwing things at the wall. Nothing like what I had expected. He was calm and it was worse than him getting angry loudly. The way he can be so.. calm when angry and hurting.. It's more horrifying compared to any amount of screaming.
    
    He knows now, though and I don't know where we're going to go from here.. Steffan said he's sleeping in the guest room tonight, he can't sleep in our bed, not with all of this in his head. I'm scared that he's going to get up in the middle of the night, pack a few bags, and leave without a word. Even if he's told me we'll work it out and figure out what to do. I can't help but be scared despite I was the one to do something horrible.

  • Awkward...

    Caspian came over to the house today. Yes, Caspian came into my house, the one that Steffan and Crowley live in. To the very same house that belongs to the man who nearly beat him to death. You can say that Caspian and I were nervous about him coming over even for a few minutes. Seeing as this was the first time the two of them would see each other since that night they beat the living shit out of each other..
    
    We've been hanging out more often and I miss having this relationship with Caspian, being able to spend time with him and laugh so easily. I always realize how much I miss him when he comes back. He's promised to stop leaving without warning from now on.
    
    He's in love with Potato - oddly enough, we've decided on a name for my corgi because of Cas. He basically named her for me. I like it though and of course, both of them poke fun at me for naming my animals after food. Mayonnaise the maine coon and Potato the corgi.
    
    I know that both of us were unsure with him meeting Steffan again, it was so easy for me to notice that Caspian was just as uncomfortable about it as me. You can't really forget when a guy tries to beat the life out of you for making out with your girlfriend, even if you've forgiven him and have to accept that they're friends and won't stop being friends.
    
    I've been through too much with Caspian, he was the first person I met in San Angeles and one of my first friends. Steffan was my second friend but before he was my friend, he was a teacher and a guy who saw me as a kid.
    
    It was really weird because Steffan.. he just acted like there wasn't any awkwardness with this group. At least, he apologized for how he acted before, what he did. I don't think Caspian really cared though. He's not looking to be Steffan's best friend but because he's my boyfriend, he will try to be civil. I guess.
    
    To say the least, it was a very awkward visit because they seemed to be getting along for the most part, even if Cas was just being civil for my sake.
    
    
    
    Cas and I are going to meet up tomorrow to hang out and do something. Maybe we'll go shopping or I can coax him into playing a game. I could maybe get him to play those joystick games with me. Not that it takes much coaxing with him. He's easy to play with.

  • Raves and Puppies

    Crowley took me shopping for a rave he wants to go to because apparently none of my clothes were appropriate for a rave. I think he just wanted me to try on a bunch of clothes he knows I'd never personally pick out.
    
    Crowley is a very physical person, far more than Steffan. He has no problem watching me like he's some beast hunting his prey, at times it's a little unsettling but I know he'll never do anything to hurt me.
    
    Even so, his taste in clothing is questionable and definitely not something I'd feel comfortable wearing in public.. Thankfully, not all of the dresses he picked out for me were short spandex skin tight.
    
    Who would have thought that Crowley wanted to wear matching outfits? The dress he picked out for me was a black and red and reached just under my thighs, matching this deep red vest he'd worn.
    
    The rave itself was interesting.. Not different from the usual parties we'd go to, the only difference is that there was a lot more flashing lights and half naked people.
    
    Crowley tried to tell me that this one outfit which literally looked nothing more than a bra and some really short shorts.. was a "proper" rave outfit. I joked about he should have picked that out for me then, but I would never wear that in public.
    I'm pretty sure he wanted to go have sex with her but because of the commitment he made to me, he couldn't. It's probably wrong of me to force him to stay committed to me, but I didn't say he had to stop having sex. I just asked him to stop in the future if we ever slept together. I don't want to deal with any possible STD's.
    
    I don't think him or Steffan would ever be happy with me wearing that outside of the house. Crowley would probably bash a few heads until whoever saw couldn't remember it.
    
    Leane met Crowley, she was judging me for being with Crowley and Steffan. I could tell from the way she looked and I'm sure Crowley could too. I don't think he likes her too much.
    
    Steffan is still blind and doesn't go out too much with us for obvious reasons, I think he's depressed from going blind and won't admit it to me. I wish he would or that there was a way for me to help him, but I can't. There's nothing I can do to bring his sight back, not even my pearls help.
    
    I don't even know what to do that would make him feel better. I feel useless.
    
    Crowley's doing everything he can to try and get an antidote but I'm just sitting around the house with Steffan, going about life as if nothing's changed which doesn't seem right.
    
    Steffan hasn't said anything about it though, he just continues on with his days like nothing. Of course.. because of his sudden loss of vision certain parts of our relationship have halted completely and I just try to be as supportive as I can.
    
    Crowley takes me out of the house to help ease my restlessness, give me something to do that will make me happy and laugh. Burn off some energy for the both of us.
    
    That's what we did the day after the rave, went to a charity event for animal shelters to raise money for them so that they can care for all of the animals. Crowley, without warning, told me we're adopting dogs. Two of them. One for him and one for me.
    
    This should be interesting because Steffan doesn't want any more animals in the house.. I just know that this will start an argument when we get home. But.. I have always wanted a dog.
    
    Crowley, of course, picks the dog there that looks as if he'll bite you because of how much he's growling and barking. He seems intimidated by Crowley which I can see why. What with him being a hellhound and all...
    
    His name is beast and him and Crowley look like they'll have a lot of work to do. As for me.. I struggled with picking out a dog. There was a little bulldog puppy and then a corgi who's almost a year old I think. Both of them are so adorable and I would have taken them both if I could, but I know that when we come home with even one dog Steffan will be angry. Three would be pushing our luck.
    
    I took the corgi because she's older and puppies get adopted fast while older dog's don't have that same chance. She's adorable and I have no idea what I'm going to name her.
    
    Maybe something that matches Mayonnaise? Or something just as strange as Mr. Periwinkle's name. I like naming my pets odd things for some reason.
    
    I can't wait for Steffan and Caspian to meet her, Caspian will probably fall in love.
    
    As for Beast.. I wonder if Crowley will be disappointed to find out his tough dog turned into a cuddle bug the minute he was out of the room and left with only me. I've never seen a personality change so fast, going from on edge and low growling whenever Steffan and Crowley were near to laying by me and drooling happily.
    
    
    I think I'll nickname him cuddlebug when Crowley isn't around.

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