Angelica Kaiser

Private Notes

• • [Journal Entry I] What the fuck am I doing? September 1st 2016

    My mind is in shambles. I cannot think. I feel myself slipping again. It is getting so hard to focus in recent days, which is dangerous, especially around the Gryphon. But I just seem to have so many thoughts lately! Constantly fludding my mind. Thoughts, dreams, memories...!
    
    Dreams. It started with those fucking dreams. Not even a month into this new position. Those fucking dreams of muddy memories. Not even fully formed, black holes and missing pieces everywhere! Detached voices and names and faceless figures! And yet the one thing I have been trying to get away from, the one bloody thing I got on this damn ship for, was crystal clear and right in front of me. Reminding me, just in case I was getting a little too happy, just in case I was feeling as tho I could finally move on and become something more normal.
    
    And that annoying, grating, continuous sound! He is dead, Doctor! He is fucking dead! What did you expect? What are you looking at me for?
    
    And now... I am not a delucional person, I am supposed to be an educated woman. For Heaven's sake, the former head of a medical team. I never expected to fully change. This is one of many illnesses that do not have a cure and I know it. But still, do not even I deserve a chance to believe that perhaps, just perhaps, these unholy needs could be suppressed, limited, forgotten for even just a week? Am I not worthy of that?
    
    I was cursed from my birth and the actions through which this curse exercises it's power over me are what dooms me to forever stay cursed. Is that the logic that we are going with in this annoying, fucking mess?
    
    I fully realize that a small change in scenery and a lot of overexertion from caring for a bloodthirsty creature are fairly idiotic ways of trying to heal the unthinkable... But... What else is there? More murder? No. I prefer not.
    
    I shared with one of the other crew members that I came upon The Sunbird due to becoming tired of watching others constantly die around me. That is not untrue. But it is not a full answer either. Getting tired of viewing others' deaths is the answer most people in my former profession give upon leaving. For me however? I was not really disturbed by the loss of life. Not at all. And that was the thing. I knew it was not right. Not a shred of guilt or remorse or whatever most would feel. Not the first time, not the last, never. Enjoyment was even scarier, albeit rare...
    
    And all of those dates I brought home? The heart collar? I probably should not even be writting about these things. But it is the only way for me to keep track of my train of thought. I just cannot focus for the life of me...
    
    ... Perhaps it is time to get a drink and check on Atile again.
    
    [There are three drops of blood on the bottom right corner of the page, one of which is halfway smudged with a clear finger print in it.]

• Friends

  	Finn Declan (played by Hedjayath)

  	Manuka (played by GreenCinders)

  Acquaintances

  	Christofer 'Toffi' Markov (played by Reima)

  	Xolotl (played anonymously)

  	Poisonous (played anonymously)

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