Tamsen

He came when I called and we talked, I laughed and smiled... Something I haven't done in a while. The screaming in my head and anxiety I had went away almost immediately. It's nice to have Donnie around when I need someone. We ordered some pizza, drank some scotch and I felt... Different. I can't explain it, but for once in my life, I started to feel a little more myself. Maybe it's the nostalgia of having him around, maybe it's just the general feeling of feeling safe again.

There was something a little different about him that I couldn't put my finger on, but I didn't care. He's here. He's helping me get back to being... Me. It's been months since Carlos and I stopped talking and I figure I owe it to myself to get back to normal. Be happy. And that's what Donnie is doing.



Next thing I know, we're talking about my modeling and in my inebriated state, I offered to model some things that I had with me. In my panic of packing before coming here, I literally threw anything and everything into my bag. Including some of my old modeling ware. He agreed and so, I retreated to my room and changed.

I came out in a black dress that didn't show too much of anything, but was still relatively form fitting. And that's when things... Change. He came closer. And closer. I'm not sure what came over me, but I kissed him. I fucking KISSED HIM.



The weird thing is, he kissed me back. The passion behind it was... Different from anything I've ever felt and I can't really explain it. But the other strange thing is, I can't remember anything past that. I remember the kiss and next thing I know, I'm waking up in bed in my dress.... Alone. He must have left after I passed out. But I can't help but feel a new type of confidence. I feel renewed. Different.

I'm tired of running. I'm tired of being the goddamn victim. This time, I'm the fucking predator.

I've felt strange all day but the weirdest part is the mass amounts of anxiety and ringing in my head that happy when I got to the CSSO office. But I pushed it off as nerves. I've not been out unless it was to go to work for my shitty job since I got home from Spain. I've just not wanted to deal with society.

My pitty party needs to end. I need to try and get back to being myself. And who did I go to? Darko. He seems to be my rock in times like these and I don't know why I didn't come to him, sooner. I wasn't even trying to come there to unload everything on him. I mainly wanted to be able to feel normal again. I always visited him before. I miss him. I miss Novac. I miss everyone I used to hand out with.

He recommended I make a report and gave me keys to a safe house for the time being. I think it's a little past the need for protection, but I trust Donnie's word. He's never led me wrong in the past so I didn't bother objecting. I have no energy to anymore. So I took the keys and the paperwork and looked it all over.





He gave a light peptalk and assured me that everything would be okay; that he would protect me and make sure nothing else happens. Funny enough, that's been something told me my entire life but my most recent traumatic experience proved otherwise. But something weird happened when I started to leave the CSSO building. I got a horrible ringing sound in my head and it's like voices in my head told me that it wasn't safe. Not to go. To run. But again, I choked it up to PTSD and anxiety.

Donnie showed up and brought some food so we ate dinner together and watched some television. But I started getting the ringing again. I don't know what Darko did, but whatever it was, it helped me get through it. And he again, told me everything would be okay. Despite the uneasy feeling I felt..... Safe? He stayed through the night with me until I eventually fell asleep. He took the couch and I took the bedroom with Ghost and I eventually felt safe enough to fall asleep. Darko may not know it, but he's one of my best friends. And one of the only people I can trust.

The next morning, I got out of bed and looked out into the living room. Darko was gone but I figured her would me. Something within me felt... Different. Strange. But I couldn't quite put my finger one it. Either way, after my talk with Donnie, I feel a little more at ease. Still pretty broken, but I think I can overcome it. Slowly, but surely. I still haven't told Novac and I don't think Donnie did, either. I'd like to keep it that way for now.

I guess we'll see how long I'll have to actually stay in this place. I called out of work; I just can't be there today. Not with my mental state. I just really hope I don't end up fired. I need an outlet. I need a way to get over everything. I feel like I'm going to explode at any minute now and I can't fucking take it!

I haven't written in months. Not since my last entry. Carlos surprised me with a trip to Spain that quickly spiraled out of control. We were jumped by one of his former affiliates; a gang. They basically forced him to come back to work for them. And so, he had no choice but to leave me.

I feel so defeated... I came back home alone after it all and I've just not been myself ever since. I've been the target of so many attacks throughout my entire life and I can't seem to get away from any of it. Every time I leave the fucking house, something bad happens. It's like chaos finds me. I haven't told Novac about any of this. I haven't told anyone about it, other than Carlos and I broke up. But Novac knows something happened, he's not stupid. But he's not prying, either.

The only thing that's kept me afloat is Ghost, Harper, Novac and my small back and forth texts with Donnie. I just... I want to go back to how things were before. I want to feel like me again. I have to feel like me again...

I feel like my life is nothing but a revolving door of pain. And no matter how hard I try, I’m trapped there, reliving the same problems and hurt that I had experienced before. Except this pain is different. I should probably start from the beginning…



Donnie found Novac. He brought him back and when I got the text, Carlos and I had been in some secluded area in a park. Things… Took place. I swear, Carlos will be the reason I get arrested one day. He pushes me to leave my little safe comfort zone that’s kept me cooped up and shielded all of my life. I never really experienced life to it’s fullest and it seems like he’s trying to change that. So, we experimented a bit? Yeah. That works. After we finished up, I got a text saying that Novac was back. He was released from the hospital and wanted to come see me. I don’t think I’ve ever ran home so quickly in my entire life… Carlos and I went home, washed up and waited eagerly. Novac came through the door and so did Harper! I feel like my whole family was back together. Harper and Ghost seem to be getting along, too. Which is nice.

I had every intention of going to the hospital to see Donnie the next day. But then, of course, something had to happen to fuck those plans up. Just as I thought things were looking up and I was finally able to relax, some one came to my door. It was that wizard. The one who took Novac’s mind hostage and forced him to try and kill me. I screamed and tried to slam the door shut, but he managed to push it open with magic and it threw me onto the ground. Carlos had immediately come to pick me back up and get in front of me. Harper flew between myself and the wizard, but I think he was scared. Too scared to attack but he was going to try his damn hardest to intimidate. Next thing I know… I could feel my abdomen tightening. Like someone had put me into a corset six sizes too small and was forcing it shut. The pain… It was unbearable. I reached for Carlos because I was collapsing. I started to cough up blood and couldn’t breathe. My lungs weren’t expanding. It felt like they were crumpling up.

My whole fucking body was trying to kill me. I started to pass out at that point. But I heard Carlos trying to fight Oz and I worried more about him than myself. The sound of him being throw across the room – I was sure I was going to die that night. And there’s nothing he could have done to stop it. Each organ in my body was being crushed – at least, that’s what it felt like. And I couldn’t catch my breath. And then, I felt something grab my heart, and then a rush of … I don’t even know what it was. But it erupted and sent a jolt through my body before I finally passed out.

Even though I was knocked out, I could hear everything being said around me. I caught small bits and pieces of conversations while in the hospital. Carlos confessed some things to me about his past. I’m not sure why he wanted to tell me while in a coma, but he did. Doctors said I wouldn’t live through the night. But my body seemed to be determined to prove them wrong. And I guess the next day, they were shocked to find that most of the internal injuries I had suffered were almost all gone. Four days. I was in that hospital for four days. Novac came to see me the day of, but the only voices I heard after that were the Doctor’s and Carlos’. I wondered if Donnie even knew where I was. If I’m even in the same hospital as him. Uhg… I don’t know. Maybe he did and that was just one of the conversations I missed. Maybe he thinks that I don’t need him anymore because I have Carlos. But I still need him in my life. He has to know that.

The hospital said I was in the clear after four days. Novac made arrangements for a nurse to transport me back home even though I wasn’t awake because he didn’t want me out in the open, where Oz could use some random stranger to come back and finish the job. I woke up shortly after. Carlos told me that the baby didn’t make it. I feel like I should be relieved, with how scared and terrified I’ve been to have it. But… I wasn’t. I was more upset than I thought I’d have been. I guess it was the fact that I had a chance to be something to someone. Be something that someone needed and depended on. And Carlos seemed… Happy to be becoming a father. But all of that was taken from us because of Oz. Because some ass hole of a Wizard has personal issues and thinks that waving his dick around makes him feel better. My hatred for the man will never cease. And if I ever have the chance, I’m going to kill him if Novac or Carlos don’t get to him, first. I’ve never wanted to hurt someone in my entire life until the day he came after me. Until the day he hurt my family.

Carlos held me for the rest of the day. I didn’t want him to let go. I didn’t even want to move, even if I started to feel discomfort. I need his comfort.



Will my life ever settle down? Become something more than this... Pain that’s defined my entire life?

These past few weeks have been really interesting. There’s so much that’s been going on. Where do I even start? Harper and Novac still aren’t home… I’m starting to worry that perhaps, Freiya might be wrong about the fact that they’re alive… I hope that she’s right, though. I don’t think I could bare to lose them. I need them… I have Carlos and Donnie, true. But Novac and Harper… They’ve been my family for years, now.


Speaking of family… Carlos and I have… Started our own? A puppy followed me home from work about a week ago. He was so malnourished and smelled like he’d been sleeping in a dumpster, that I couldn’t just leave him there. When I got home, Carlos didn’t seem to mind the puppy and the he certainly liked Carlos. But just when I thought I was feeling better, the smell of the dog suddenly got to me. I vomited and Carlos was trying to get me to go to the doctors for a few days now. I had initially agreed but as we were walking towards the door, I noticed something interesting on my calendar. I was 6 weeks past due for my period… I felt like I couldn’t breath and my heart pounded against my chest.



I was so afraid he would leave me. Isn’t that what most guys do nowadays? They leave when they find out the girl they’ve been seeing is pregnant? I thought about hiding my thoughts from him, but I didn’t. I had to trust in my instincts that told me he wouldn’t leave my side. That he’d be there for me, no matter what. So I just blurted it out. Told him that we need to just get a pregnancy test. In my heart, I already knew it was true. How the fuck could I have forgotten something so fucking extreme?! A god damn condom?! Really? When I told him that we needed a pregnancy test, he told me to stay at home with the puppy and that he would go pick it up. Asked me if I wanted anything else. Part of me wondered if he didn’t want me coming along because he had no intention of coming back. Of course, I let my fear of being abandoned again take authority over my gut telling me that he wasn’t that kind of guy.

Needless to say, I had to keep myself busy by cleaning up and giving the dog a bath, ignoring the nagging fear and anxiety that wanted to cripple me. Eventually, I fell asleep after drying the pup off with him next to me. He came back. Of course, he would! I don’t know why I would ever doubt him! I took the test, and what we both suspected was positive. I’m pregnant. He was so happy… And I was… Scared as fuck. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that I was keeping the baby because I just don’t believe in abortion unless it was forced sex. It most definitely was not. And I’ll be fucking damned if I put my child in the system when it failed both, Carlos and I. He’s so excited for this child and I’ve been acting as though I’m happy, too. I’m scared to tell him that I’m terrified to have this child. I don’t know how to be a mother. Especially not to one that’s… Part dragon. Oh, and that’s the other thing I haven’t written down yet. He’s a DRAGON! I mean… It doesn’t matter that he’s a dragon to me. Just means that if someone really does try to hurt me, he’ll fuck them up. But still. A dragon child?



Carlos wants to look into finding someplace else to live. Someplace bigger, now that I’m pregnant and we have a dog. Lord, I don’t even know how Harper is going to react to another animal in the house. He might really hate it. I’m not sure. But Ghost seems to be really interested in my laying his head on my stomach. I think he knows I’m pregnant and is trying to guard my belly. I know Harper would be the same way. He’s good with kids and I know that he’ll be an angel to this baby. Lord, help anyone who tries to harm this little love child.

I went to see Donnie to give him his Christmas gift that I’ve been holding onto. We saw him at the new club that opened up, but I didn’t get a chance to actually talk to him. He came over and briefly met Carlos, but I could tell that he didn’t really like him. Not sure why. Maybe it’s because Carlos is a man that’s living with me. I know he’s also protective over me, like Novac is.

Anyways, I went to see him and we talked. I told him that I was pregnant. And that I was extremely scared. I pretty much broke down, and he hugged me. I thought he was going to judge me, or yell at me; lecture me like Novac would. But he didn’t. He actually told me that I wasn’t in it alone and that he was here for me. Even though I know he doesn’t think of himself as one, but I see him as my hero, ever since he came to my rescue when Novac attacked me. No, even further back than that. When he decided he was going to be here for me, no matter what. And he told me that if Carlos ever makes me shed a tear or hurts me in any way, that I should tell him so that he can kill him. It made me smile. Not just because he’s protective like Novac, but because I can’t see Carlos ever hurting me, either. Despite minor differences, Carlos and Donnie are alike in ways. Perhaps that’s why I’m so close to both of them. Why I can’t seem to even think about losing either one of them.

Normally, I’m pretty excited for Christmas… But this time, I’m not. I woke up this morning, expecting for Harper to be by my side and Novac coming home and miraculously being himself again. But my prayers and wishes weren’t answered. Harper and Novac are my family and I didn’t realize how much I absolutely need and miss them. My heart hurts…

Carlos had to go out of town to get the rest of his things so he can be officially moved here. But he said he would be back at some point tonight or tomorrow. Man, I really wish he was here right now… I told him I would be okay home alone for a few days while he went out. And I honestly thought I would be. But the first night he was gone, my nightmares came back full force… My anxiety got worse and for the most part, I stayed home in bed… I’ve been sitting on the balcony of my apartment, calling Harper’s name. I wish he would respond….



Freiya came over for a few minutes and gave me a really pretty necklace for Christmas. I baked some cookies and gave her those. I didn’t know what to get her, but she didn’t seem to mind! I told her a little bit about what’s been going on and she said she was here for me if I needed her. Said that she would take some of my anxiety away. I’ve never been so grateful to know a witch in my life. She did take some anxiety away, but it didn’t do anything for my missing Harper and Novac. Maybe when they come home, we’ll have a late Christmas…

Please hurry up and come home…

I called Donnie to see if he was free to meet up so I could give him his gift. But I think he’s busy because he didn’t answer right away. Said we could meet up, soon. I didn’t want to bother him with what I was currently going through, so I just said that was okay. I miss him. I don’t visit nearly as much as I did before, and the reason for that isn’t just because I had Carlos. It’s because I’ve been worried that I would bother him while dealing with Novac’s case. Or that I would just distract him. I’ve not told him about Carlos, yet. But I feel a little strange telling him. After all, a few weeks before Carlos and I started our… Dating? Whatever you want to call it – I kissed him. Uhg, my mind is so fucked up. I’m not sure what’s going on with me. But one thing is for sure. I want to be with Carlos. I’m not going to deny that, whatsoever.

I didn’t know what to get Carlos for Christmas. I’ve been trying to figure it out for a while so I think… What I did get him… He might like. Or should like... I don’t really know. I guess we will see!

Where to start with this one… I’m not sure. All I really know is that over the past few weeks, Carlos and I have gotten so close, to the point where I feel safe and secure around him. My nightmares are still happening, but they’re not as frequent. Carlos usually wakes me up when he hears me whining in my sleep and pulls me closer. I don’t even think I would be able to sleep without him next to me, anymore.



We’ve gotten so close, that I actually let my guard down around him. He’s helped me through so much, and I can’t imagine where I would be right now if he hadn’t come along. I’ve actually found myself doing things with him that I said I would never do with a man. My distrust for most men is still there, but my trust in Carlos has gone far above and beyond. To the point where I actually allowed myself to be vulnerable around him. Some would call me crazy because of how quickly I allowed myself to bond to him. But he’s never given me a reason not to trust him and I don’t really care what other people think. They don’t understand how hard things have been for me and how much I’ve really needed someone. Donnie’s checked on me a few times, but we’ve not been able to really talk or hang out because of SGC being up his ass about the case, and because he’s been under too much stress with work. But Carlos? He’s been by my side ever since I called him to come over.

I never knew how much I needed another person – a man – to be there for me. I’ve been trying to keep myself independent but had I never met Carlos? Had he not come when I called him? I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. I actually thought about jumping out of my window right before he got there. For some reason, I crave his attention; his touch. Maybe it’s because of everything that’s happened, that my mind has finally broken. I’ve felt more daring and like I don’t need to be as guarded.



Things would get heated very now and then when I found myself kissing him. But he was always usually pretty respectful with not letting things go too far without my say so. He’s been careful with me, yet, he didn’t treat me like I was some fragile piece of glass that would break under his touch.
After a while of Carlos living with me, we shared… A moment, I guess you could say… I guess I should have seen that it was inevitable. That it was eventually going to happen. I actually let our aggressive make out session turn into something more. We… Had sex. In the moment, I felt like nothing mattered. Some would accuse him of taking advantage of my vulnerability and ‘fragile’ mind. But I would argue with them, that they have no idea what they’re talking about. I’m more than capable of telling him no, but I chose not to.




Call me cliché, but I can’t really explain it… Ever since then, I’ve felt more… Confident? I don’t know. I know one of the girls I model with said that when someone has sex, it wakes them up a little bit? Makes them feel more alive. I won’t say that it’s made me feel more alive, but I do feel different. And I’m happier when I’m around him. I feel like we’ve bonded more than I expected to ever bond with anyone else.

And I don’t regret it.

I’m really unsure of how to feel about this situation. Carlos came to help me with unpacking my large items from the moving truck. Novac was here for a little bit, but he kept being… Fussy? I’m not sure what’s going on with him. He just acts so different for some reason and I’m worried that something is really wrong. Maybe I’ll talk to Donnie and see if he knows what’s going on. He said he had to leave, but told me to stop by the next day at some point to ‘talk.’ Whatever that means. My initial thought was to call Donnie and see if he would help me with getting my heavier boxes out of the U-Haul, but Novac snapped at me, telling me I need to let him work and that I couldn’t keep ‘bugging’ him while he’s at work. I guess he’s right. Not like Donnie would drop work to come help me. I intended on waiting until he got off. But rather than agitate Novac further, I just called Carlos.

Despite the fact that I hardly know the man, Harper seems to like him a lot. Almost as much as he likes Donnie and Novac. I didn’t really see any reason not to trust him. He did rush me to the hospital after everything with Harper and the big ass robot alien thing took place. Then he made sure I got home safely and helped me the next morning with getting up for the day and preparing food. We’ve been texting back and forth from time to time. He seemed all too eager to help me, but I couldn’t be any more grateful. If I had to pay for the U-Haul for another day or two, it would have broke me. After moving everything out, we ended up drinking for a bit. My neighbor from across the hall brought me over some really good … Wine? I’m not sure it’s wine. I’m wondering if it’s something she made herself. It has no label, but shit! It was definitely tasty. Strong, but tasty.

I think Carlos and I drank a little too much. And I think I let my guard down when I drink… I actually let the man touch me when we danced. I guess I should be happy that Carlos isn’t some psycho creeper, because things could have definitely ended up bad. We danced and I found myself opening up to the man about my life. Turns out he was an orphan. Grew up in the system just as I did. Though our experiences were different, he could understand most of where I came from. Somehow, we ended up on my bed, staring up at the skylight that sits above it. That’s really the only reason I chose this apartment. It reminds me of a time when I would sit out on the roof of a house I was in and stare at the night sky. It made me feel safe. I remember the power going out and a clap of thunder making me scream and jumping right into his arms. Awkward. Really fucking awkward.

When I woke up this morning, I had forgotten the man was even there. I damn near screamed and took Harper with me when I pushed away from him and fell off the bed. I went right back into feeling like I needed to keep my guard up in regards to being touched. I gave him a hug when he left, but I still felt a little insecure about it. Uhg… I feel like I let him into my life far too early… And I feel so conflicted because of my feelings for Donnie. God damn it, why does this shit have to always be confusing? Why can’t my life be fucking simple for once?! At least I know Carlos isn’t the kind to take advantage of a drunk girl. But from now on, I’m going to make sure I don’t drink around people I hardly know. Not without someone I truly trust and know wholeheartedly with me to watch over me…

Ever since Novac came home from work a couple days ago, he's been acting weird. He seems more... irritable? He yelled at me yesterday when I tried to get him to take me to my appointment to see an apartment. He never yells at me. I don't think he's ever even raised his voice around me because he knows my background. But I brushed it off as him being stressed out from work. A lot of shit has been going on in this city, so I don't blame him. The stress of this city and having to constantly be on your toes 24/7 because everyone knows you and also hates you? I could imagine. Who knows. Maybe he and I can talk later. I ended up walking to my appointment at the apartment complex and was about a half hour late. But they didn't seem to mind.


The other day, I went to the Red Cup to see Sabina, but on my way, I ran into a really... Handsom man. I felt a bit flustered because I accidentally caused him to spill his coffee all over his nice suit... But he assured me that it was okay. His eyes were so bright and blue, it was almost entrancing. Kind of like Donnie's blue eyes. Somehow, we started talking about my brother and what he does for work. He acted almost like he knew Novac... I wasn't sure what to think about it. He seemed like a nice guy but Harper didn't like him much. He was constantly hissing and puffing up as if there was something bad about the guy. But that's why I have Harper. To tell me when the person I'm in front of is bad. Or when they're not human... He asked me if I wanted to grab lunch with him but based on how Harper was reacting and the fact that I really didn't think it was a good idea, I told him no. I've got too much on my mind right now to think about letting another man into my life. Plus, my feelings for Donnie are still there, even though he told me it could never happen.

I found an apartment that I think Novac and Donnie would both approve of. It's in a nicer part of town and it's in a gated community. Pretty rustic look on the inside, if you ask me. But I really like it. Harper seems to like that we have more room, too. My modeling has allowed me to be able to afford a nicer place. I didn't want to sign a lease without having a contract between my photographer and me, that way I know I have a stable income. I still manage the supermarket, but I stepped down as a store manager and became a department manager. It's easier than being in charge of an entire store with over 100 employees. I feel content with my choices in terms of my career and living situation for right now. My apartment is close to Donnie and not too much further from Novac's. I'm kind of in the middle of both of them, so I could walk if need be without having to call one of them to pick me up or call a cab. One of these days, I really need to have my car looked at. Or maybe I should just buy another one? I'm not sure. I'll have to see how my financial situation changes, now that I'm contracted for weekly shots for the modeling.



On my way home, I was about to text Donnie and Novac, asking them if they wanted to come by my new place for a pizza party and housewarming type thing. Isn't that what people usually do when they get a new place? But before I could even really get a text out, Harper was staring at the sky... Like something was there. But then, he was throwing himself at me like he was trying to shield me. But in the process, he accidentally used his claws and punctured my stomach and really got me. A fucking SPACE SHIP landed on Earth?! And I just remember the pain... Next thing I know, Harper was gone and off to alert CSSO, and I found myself in the middle of one of my PTSD episodes... A man named Carlos came to help me, but I freaked out when he touched my shoulder. I feel bad because he was really just trying to help and I pushed him away. I managed to come out of it just in time to see Harper drop something on the robot that came from the ship after it shot at Adam and another girl who used a shield to protect them. And then a bunch of tanks and CSSO agents swarmed the area.

All I know is that I've never been more thankful for a stranger to carry me to the hospital... Even though I was inwardly screaming with every second that he carried me. I really need to get over this fear of being touched...