This thread will be 100% honest 
With the start of 2019, and my 14th birthday slowly approaching, I've realised how much I've changed in just a year. Not just with my expectations and skills like I asked you guys about with my Reflection: 2018 thread, but with my self image and self worth. So, this is what I want to talk about today, since I have some spare time.
Over the past year (and a bit) I've changed so much as a person. I've grown up fast, I've realised that my self worth should have been more than it was and I changed it. And I'll admit, it might take me another year, or even two, before I can accept myself and my worth fully. It's a hard thing to do, and I'm proud of how far I've come in 12 months. Not everyone suffers with self image issues and some people are perfectly happy with their body, and how they are. But even they need to be told they are perfect as they are once in a while.
The start of this year started pretty badly. Me and my family were still homeless and I didn't get to celebrate turning a teenager all that much. I was getting still getting a lot of unwanted attention from people at school from being in the BBC news. While it all felt amazing for a short while, the positive attention and friends I was making and getting was dragging on a lot of negative attention as well. And while I've gotten used to not being treated all that well, this was a new level for me and it lowered the way I saw myself: not just in my looks, but also in my personality. I began to believe that I was a terrible person and I deserved everything that had happened.
Things didn't get better, and it just spiralled down into the endless thought cycle of Im not a good person. I'm not good enough. I deserve this. They're right. which I think we can all agree is NOT a delightful and enjoyful mindset to be in. I found myself wanting to skip school and just stay home where I felt safe and out of harm's way. I would purposely avoid certain clothes I loved to wear because I was afraid my thighs looked too big or I looked to much like a toddler. Wouldn't wear shorts because I could see previous scars and my thighs were so much bigger than everyone elses. I also drew on my arms, to make me feel better about showing them. I still do that, due to self-consciousness.
And in July... Things started to get better.
We were told that, after being on the council homeless list for 8 months, they finally had a house that we could live in. And it was ours: not some rental house that we weren't allowed to decorate. It was our house. We could have it how we wanted it. And that was just perfect. It's not the biggest, I still have to share my room, but it's good enough. It's better. And we have two bathrooms! We have a back garden, and a small front garden, there's a small corner shop literally almost right next to us and a small playground for my sister.
I was under a lot of stress and pressure because I had to choose my GCSE options and I didn't know what I wanted to do and I was still in the dark mindset. Once I chose, I immediately regretted my choices but felt like I couldn't say anything because I'd make everybody mad. So I didn't speak up. I then joined The Scout Gangshow 2018 which was possibly one of the best and most tiring weeks (and rehearsal months) of my life.
I was rehearsing none stop, while dealing with school and homework. And then when the time came, I performed six shows in a week. One on Monday, one on Tuesday, one on Thursday, one on Friday, and two on Saturday. Four of six show were sold out completely.
Being on that stage, in front of hundreds of people who wanted to see me, to see us, to see what we had done...
I think thats what made me realise that no matter if I'm average or overweight, whether I have long or short hair... People who want to stay around won't care. And, even though I'm not a perfect human, and I make horrible mistakes like everybody else, I'm perfect in my own way. Well, at least I'm getting there to fully thinking that.
I'm no where near loving myself fully, I'm always gonna hate some part of me, but... If anybody else is going through, or has gone through image issues and personal issues, and even if you havent, there's no need to change yourself for others. If you want to look different on your own accord, by all !was go ahead: do what you want to do. But I don't see any reason to change for those around you. It's not a good thing most times, and the mindset is not a happy place. Take it from someone who's been there.
I know I said this last time, but youre loved, you're cared for, you're needed. Not behind a silicone mask in which you might hide behind just like I did. No matter what race, gender, age, ethnicity, we're all amazing. We just need to realise it through all of the negativity. It's not worth it just like it's not worth hating on others for the same things. It's unfair and I wish it wasn't like it is. I wish I could change it, but I'm only 13 and humans are be gonna be humans. We're always gonna label people for what we see them as, it's just how we as species are. No matter how dangerous it is or just how unfair or how horrible it is. I don't have the faith that the whole human race can and will change. A lot of us just don't want to.
With the start of 2019, and my 14th birthday slowly approaching, I've realised how much I've changed in just a year. Not just with my expectations and skills like I asked you guys about with my Reflection: 2018 thread, but with my self image and self worth. So, this is what I want to talk about today, since I have some spare time.
Over the past year (and a bit) I've changed so much as a person. I've grown up fast, I've realised that my self worth should have been more than it was and I changed it. And I'll admit, it might take me another year, or even two, before I can accept myself and my worth fully. It's a hard thing to do, and I'm proud of how far I've come in 12 months. Not everyone suffers with self image issues and some people are perfectly happy with their body, and how they are. But even they need to be told they are perfect as they are once in a while.
The start of this year started pretty badly. Me and my family were still homeless and I didn't get to celebrate turning a teenager all that much. I was getting still getting a lot of unwanted attention from people at school from being in the BBC news. While it all felt amazing for a short while, the positive attention and friends I was making and getting was dragging on a lot of negative attention as well. And while I've gotten used to not being treated all that well, this was a new level for me and it lowered the way I saw myself: not just in my looks, but also in my personality. I began to believe that I was a terrible person and I deserved everything that had happened.
Things didn't get better, and it just spiralled down into the endless thought cycle of Im not a good person. I'm not good enough. I deserve this. They're right. which I think we can all agree is NOT a delightful and enjoyful mindset to be in. I found myself wanting to skip school and just stay home where I felt safe and out of harm's way. I would purposely avoid certain clothes I loved to wear because I was afraid my thighs looked too big or I looked to much like a toddler. Wouldn't wear shorts because I could see previous scars and my thighs were so much bigger than everyone elses. I also drew on my arms, to make me feel better about showing them. I still do that, due to self-consciousness.
And in July... Things started to get better.
We were told that, after being on the council homeless list for 8 months, they finally had a house that we could live in. And it was ours: not some rental house that we weren't allowed to decorate. It was our house. We could have it how we wanted it. And that was just perfect. It's not the biggest, I still have to share my room, but it's good enough. It's better. And we have two bathrooms! We have a back garden, and a small front garden, there's a small corner shop literally almost right next to us and a small playground for my sister.
I was under a lot of stress and pressure because I had to choose my GCSE options and I didn't know what I wanted to do and I was still in the dark mindset. Once I chose, I immediately regretted my choices but felt like I couldn't say anything because I'd make everybody mad. So I didn't speak up. I then joined The Scout Gangshow 2018 which was possibly one of the best and most tiring weeks (and rehearsal months) of my life.
What a Gangshow is
A Gangshow is a massive production which scouts, cubs, and explorers perform on a stage after months and months of practise and dancing and singing. It's a mix of pop songs and musical songs, and there are very funny skits in the middle of each section. (This year we did Baby Shark!)
It's worth seeing if you ever get the chance. This year was our 71st show.
A Gangshow is a massive production which scouts, cubs, and explorers perform on a stage after months and months of practise and dancing and singing. It's a mix of pop songs and musical songs, and there are very funny skits in the middle of each section. (This year we did Baby Shark!)
It's worth seeing if you ever get the chance. This year was our 71st show.
I was rehearsing none stop, while dealing with school and homework. And then when the time came, I performed six shows in a week. One on Monday, one on Tuesday, one on Thursday, one on Friday, and two on Saturday. Four of six show were sold out completely.
Being on that stage, in front of hundreds of people who wanted to see me, to see us, to see what we had done...
I think thats what made me realise that no matter if I'm average or overweight, whether I have long or short hair... People who want to stay around won't care. And, even though I'm not a perfect human, and I make horrible mistakes like everybody else, I'm perfect in my own way. Well, at least I'm getting there to fully thinking that.
I'm no where near loving myself fully, I'm always gonna hate some part of me, but... If anybody else is going through, or has gone through image issues and personal issues, and even if you havent, there's no need to change yourself for others. If you want to look different on your own accord, by all !was go ahead: do what you want to do. But I don't see any reason to change for those around you. It's not a good thing most times, and the mindset is not a happy place. Take it from someone who's been there.
You could be the greatest,
You could be the best.
You could be the King Kong, banging on your chest.
You could beat the world,
You could beat the war.
You can talk to God...
Go banging on his door.
You could be the best.
You could be the King Kong, banging on your chest.
You could beat the world,
You could beat the war.
You can talk to God...
Go banging on his door.
I know I said this last time, but youre loved, you're cared for, you're needed. Not behind a silicone mask in which you might hide behind just like I did. No matter what race, gender, age, ethnicity, we're all amazing. We just need to realise it through all of the negativity. It's not worth it just like it's not worth hating on others for the same things. It's unfair and I wish it wasn't like it is. I wish I could change it, but I'm only 13 and humans are be gonna be humans. We're always gonna label people for what we see them as, it's just how we as species are. No matter how dangerous it is or just how unfair or how horrible it is. I don't have the faith that the whole human race can and will change. A lot of us just don't want to.
Your Girl was crying while this was being written. :')
What an awesome post.
I wish I could give this post a giant thumbs up 
You are a beautiful brave courageous woman thanks for sharing all of this.
Wow! That was deep! Thank you for sharing your life experience with us Lady StaticNightmares! Know that you are precious, valuable, and loved, and you seem to have a really solid and mature head on your shoulders!
Such a wonderfully written post for such a wonderful young lady. I went through a similar journey with self-worth in 2018. I hope 2019 will bring you much happiness. 
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