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Is it ethical to not give money to people who go up to peoples' cars and ask for change (and other similar solicitation)?

I am torn on the issue. I used to do it all the time, but then after talking to some people I stopped doing it, but it keeps happening and I'm torn. Some people seem to already have a rehearsed "pitch," and those are the ones I'm most skeptical of. But is that overly cynical, ie. am I being jerky by refusing to give them anything?

Opinions are welcome!

Myself I cant see how it could be viewed as unethical. Helping someone in this situation is a lovely thing to do, but I don't think refusing to do so makes you a bad person. There are plenty of reasons why one may choose not to, and being a truck driver who has been down this road more often than I can count, I too am at the sad realization that it's too difficult to trust that the person is being honest with me. In addition (especially being out on the road alone and this person likely knows that fact) it can be dangerous to pull out your wallet (or purse) to help someone out when that may be just what they're waiting for before they strike and make an attempted robbery out of the situation.

It's really sad that this is the way our society has become but it's easy to become a victim when just trying to help someone. One of my teachers once told me if we really really wanted to help someone out like this, go there with a friend and take them out somewhere to eat, or bring them food. Since I've grown I've realized this is likely also a good way to interpret if they are being honest or not.

Hopefully I don't sound like a selfish you know what, but really when you're on the road alone, you have to take precautions to keep yourself safe, and returning to your family waiting for you at home. That being said I generally do not help individuals on the side of the road or wherever else, I choose, instead, to donate to charities from time to time.

I agree with Vol. As a kid (even as an adult) I've always had a heart for those less fortunate than I. Especially the homeless, although now I see in many cases (at least where I live) it's their own choices and decisions in life that put them, and keep them there, however it isn't all the same and everyone has a different story.

Instead of giving people money, I used to put together little "homeless bags" with my Mom. Inside we would put water bottles, trail mix, protein bars, bananas, packages of socks and underwear... Sometimes a blanket or beanie, mittens, depending on the season and what we could afford to give or purchase(we weren't very well off either and struggled to get by often). And we'd give these out to people who seemed in need.
I also still prefer to buy someone lunch, we have lots of homeless people who hang around the grocery stores or restaurants where I often shop, and if I can, I'll buy a water bottle and a sandwich or other food/snack item for someone I saw outside.

So you could say "I'm sorry I can't give you any change, but I have some snacks, would you like them?"

You can also direct such individuals to nearby shelters or donate canned food, used blankets and clothes to places that take in and help the needy or homeless. I personally think those are better alternatives to giving someone money, as you may be unknowingly feeding an addiction that's keeping them on the streets by giving them money.

And like Vol said, always stay safe, never approach someone alone in isolated or empty areas without public traffic. And it is recommended to have someone else with you when going up to iffy individuals. I've luckily been ok myself so far, and most I talk to are really nice, but that doesn't mean something couldn't happen. And I always do it where there are other people nearby.

Anyway, I hope my thoughts were helpful

Thank you both for your take on it. Both your comments were helpful and I tend to agree. I really like the idea of little bags with stuff in them. That was nice of y'all. And yeah, Vol, that makes sense.

No one person can help everyone - and no one can make anyone else's life perfect for them. But the fact that your help will be incomplete and imperfect does not mean it has no impact. It is perfectly ethical to give money to people who are begging.

To be ethical, you will need to decide how much you are capable of helping, and the best way to do so, and then do that. For many folks in my family, that means they have a set number of people they can give money to per day, and they give it basically to the first person who asks for it until they no longer have reserves to hand out. For some that's just the first person they see asking for help, for others it's the first 5 or 10.

I'm not sure why having a rehearsed pitch needs to mean anything other than they have had to beg more than once. Begging on the street or at intersections is a brutally hard life. The vast majority of people would do something else if they had the option to.

Often, the objection is "they're addicts, they'll use it for drugs." Maybe. But if that's all they did, they'd for sure be dead by now. Drugs don't contain many calories.

Bags of supplies are great for people who are afraid of supporting an addiction. However, people have needs other than food and socks that really only money is going to help with, so please also consider that when deciding whether you can feel good about giving money or not.

- they may need to purchase medicines
- they may need to pay a shelter fee to have a dry/warm place to sleep for the night
- they may need menstrual products
- they may need change to run a machine in a laundromat
- they may need to pay a gym fee so that they have a place they can shower and change

It may be that their local food pantry gives them enough food but not a way to clean their underwear. They might have severe allergies to the food you're handing out, whereas money lets them prioritize and meet their needs in the way they need to be met at that particular time. Money is hands down the most helpful way of helping, in terms of giving things out.

It may be that they are an addict and a piece of what you give them will go toward that addiction, but another portion will go toward keeping them - or their children - alive. Every day they (and their dependents) are alive is another opportunity for things to change for them.

If I'm somehow being taken advantage of, and the person standing in the freezing rain for hours on end is somehow a secret millionaire... well, I got "taken" for the loose change in my cup holder or the rare few dollars in my wallet. It's hard for me to feel that that price is not worth the chance of helping another fellow human being live another day.

My earliest memories are of being homeless, so I always try to give where I'm able. Kim worded my thoughts better than I could, and I'm in agreement with her.

I'm glad to know your thoughts on this.

I guess the fact that there's a pitch bothers me because it makes me feel like I'm being told not the real story. That I'm being lied to. And then, when I give them money, I feel like I'm saying "it's ok to lie to people to get money." But that sounds like such a privledged thing for me to say. It's like...wait...I'm judging someone's ethics who lives on the streets and is just trying to survive? That's pretty self-righteous of me. And maybe I'm missing the bigger picture when I'm doing that.

And what I think I hear you saying is, even if they're telling a made-up story, the real story obviously can't be that much better, because otherwise they wouldn't be begging people for money at a gas station, or on the roadside. So what I'm hearing from that is, have compassion simply based on that, regardless what the story is.

My concern was with enabling them to stay on the same path, instead of changing, but what you said is true -- if they could do something else, they probably already would be doing it.

And I guess that's why my conscience is bothering me when I tell people no.

I don't want to be thought of a "a sucker," or "a hit" by them, but at the same time, who cares about my pride or whether I'm lied to or not compared to what they're literally going through to survive? Shouldn't I make that survival easier, isn't it the only ethical thing to do since I can afford to give a few cents or a dollar? And that's why I wrote the post. I sometimes feel like I'm being unethical by saying no. And I wanted to see what other people think. I think I've been concerned with encouraging bad behavior, but like you said, when you weigh the possibility of encouraging minor bad behavior with the possibility of helping someone stay alive, the scale tips towards giving them something being the ethical thing.

I think I've grown too cynical.

It happens a lot in Dallas-Fort Worth. This last person who came up and asked me for something while I was pumping gas was a middle-aged woman, and you could see when she talked she was missing a lot of teeth. Which tells me no matter what her current motives are, she's definitely not got a lot of money. And I've got my practiced "I only have credit cards," statement ready, and I give it to her, and she keeps insisting, even asking me to go buy her something, and I would've done that, but I'm late for something, so I tell her I can't, and as I was driving away, I was like, to myself, "I've become too cynical." And yeah, I think I'm going to have to change gears on that because it doesn't feel right.

If I may...

I really think it comes down to your gut/heart feeling. If deep down, it's nagging you persistently about saying no, then just do what little you can.
If you don't have that gut/heart tug, don't feel badly, because someone else will come along and have that gut feeling for that person.

I don't really believe in fate or whatever all that much, but sometimes it feels like certain people are meant to help or meet certain others at times. I... Hate autocorrect...

And if it's something that you think will weigh you down for the rest of the day/week, then maybe go out of your way and give them a couple dollars or offer to buy them a snack instead.

Sometimes it's important to listen to that compassionate voice inside. And other times it's good to be aware of the voice of caution as well.

You know?

I can English I swear... Bleh.

Yeah

Just a bit of a warning if you do decide to give them money/stuff:

Mind you, just my two cents from what I have seen in my area.

Panhandling is legal, as long as the one doing it is not demanding/getting in your face/ect…. Some people do this instead of deciding to find a job. I have heard of people whom act homeless refusing jobs and going to either their house, a friend's, or family's house. Or they get into a fancy car or buy higher end products.

There was a guy whom left a factory job I was in for a bit (before I had enough of the unsafe conditions) in order to panhandle rather than work.

Watch out if they seem a bit well off (again, just speaking from observing my area), they may just be trying to get the easy way out.

If possible, give money and supplies to homeless shelters and organizations that help the homeless, that way you at least can be assured you are helping the right people.

Everytime Kim posts something I can see how this is the best run rp site I've ever seen. Somehow she often brings up things I've not yet considered or have not yet occured to me. She is very wise and I have found I rather enjoy reading everything she has to post.

Sorry to stray from the topic Abigail.

Putting in my two cents, and having been on the streets myself....

Kim puts it the best way possible. While what North-Wood says is true, and there are places where panhandling is legal, there are just as many places where it's illegal. Just because someone has a car to get into holds no merit, in my opinion. I had a car to get into, but that was also the only source of protection I had. Only sometimes was it a source of power and warmth, because I also had to consider how much gas I was burning and whether or not m battery would die if I used it to charge my phone one too many times. Which, in all standing, I considered extremely lucky. Others aren't so lucky.

A car doesn't exactly make it easier, either. Not only having to worry about how to get the gas for it, but also worrying about where to park it. 9/10 places don't allow overnight parking, no loitering, no solicitors, ect. I couldn't afford to run around the city looking for that 1 hole in the wall where I could park my car to get some sleep. Having my car did allow me to keep clothes, and honestly? "Looking well off" also means nothing, in my opinion, either. Sometimes I had to wear some clothes, again, before I was able to wash any. While, although looking a bit dirty, still could have been considered "well off" just because of the clothes in general look decent.

Even if they have a car, what their clothes look like, what their teeth might look like...There's too many possibilities to consider. There are people out there that will attempt to take advantage of a kind heart, don't be mistaken for that. However, there are also far too man people that will think "someone else will help them." What happens when that's the same thought the next person has, and the next to follow, and so on?

I also don't think a "pitch" matters, either. Who knows how long that person has been out on the street having to tell the same story over, just to try to get some honest help. Who knows if it's just some con. Who knows if it's a lie, and if they've had to change the real story in attempt to find some better help. To me, it doesn't matter. Whenever I've been able, even when I was homeless, I would give someone food if I had it to give if they told me they were hungry. I'll find something else, or figure it out from there.

However, don't get yourself down if you choose to refuse someone. Everyone has the right to choose. Don't feel obligated, but also try not to judge.

iolhantheX has a good point, sometimes you have to just go with your gut. You don't know who might be lying to play you a fool, but...

Kim brings up plenty of good points. The best one being this:
There was one circumstance, as Kim pointed, where I needed to buy feminine products. Even then, I "looked well off" because I had some clean clothes to wear that were decent. I looked like any other average joe that could very possibly had a home to go back to...But, in actuality, I didn't. I was standing in the isle with said lad products, counting out a handful of change to see if I could buy even just the cheapest thing. Randomly, this total stranger walked up to me and she said the simplest thing. I won't ever forget it, either. She asked me a few questions. "Excuse me, were you trying to buy some products for your monthly?" I said yes, and her reply was "I noticed you were counting out change, can I buy it for you? Did you need anything else, and are you hungry?" That, right there, was such a simple act of kindness that brought me to tears in the middle of the store. There were other things I could have used, but the only thing I absolutely needed at that moment were the feminine products. So that's the only thing I asked for. She asked me if I needed them right away, or if I'd like to walk around the store with her while she finished her own shopping. I walked around with her, we chatted. Checked out with her, and she gave me the bag with the products. When I went to the restroom, I found a $20 in the bad with the products, and started crying again.

To me, there are far too many people in this world that only look at the negative of the given circumstance. Who can blame us, though? It's what the media thrives on, it's the fuel of social media. "Someone else will help them." "I'm just going to get taken advantage of." "They'll just use it for drugs."

If you ask yourself one thing, if any of that crosses your mind. Ask yourself "Would someone else actually help them?" "Am I going to lose any sleep over this tonight?" "Does it really matter?"

I apologize if it seems as if I've come off strong, it wasn't the intention. However, I couldn't find any better way to voice my opinion on the matter. Also keep in mind that Vol has a good point to make, too. No matter what you do, keep yourself safe.

if this makes no sense it's because i'm absolutely exhausted, maybe writing this will help wake me up lmao.

one of the main arguments i always see is "what if they spend the money on drugs" but my biggest rebuttal for that has to be: why should drug addicts deserve less than someone who's not an addict? this is something that's very personal to me so i have a lot of strong opinions about it because it's had a big impact in my life, but regardless of who they are or what they're doing, they're still people. in some cases, drug withdrawal can even kill them. obviously i don't really want money i give them to go towards buying drugs, but if it's what they need to do to survive another day, i'm not really going to complain. i think that this whole issue could be solved by making rehab more affordable and overall accessible, but regardless of that, people are still people and i'm never going to be like "oops lol sorry you're a drug addict i'm not going to help you at all because what if you buy drugs." addiction doesn't define someone, it's a mental illness; my depression doesn't define me but it's led to me making extremely dangerous and self-destructing decisions, does that mean i don't deserve help?

obviously there's cases where people fake being homeless or really poor just to get money, but imo it's like...i give someone ten dollars and they're either some rando pretending to be homeless and they're just going to have ten extra dollars, or i give someone that desperately needs help ten dollars and that hopefully does something for them. i think it's worth the risk, if i have a lot of money saved up i'm not really going to miss ten dollars or five dollars or whatever. there's situations where i genuinely can't give people money because i just don't have enough, but that doesn't mean i wouldn't help someone if i had the opportunity.

i wouldn't necessarily say it's unethical to refuse to give people money in these situations, but i also think it's important to think about why you don't want to give them money because it's really important to remember to not let stigma and prejudice get in the way of seeing people as living, breathing human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, emotions, backstories, likes and dislikes, hobbies, and everything else that makes someone a person. obviously this applies to every area of life and not just the topic of discussion here, and i know that there are just situations where you can't give someone money (i'm in that same situation myself) and i don't think it should be like...illegal or something crazy to refuse to give money, but i think everyone should unpack why they just don't want to give money. if anything, you could help direct someone to the nearest homeless shelter or something similar in your area.

Thank you for sharing your story. That was powerful. You are seen and heard!

This tends to lead to people being refused because of something like being given a nice pair of shoes, or investing in some clothes that will last longer if they have managed to save up a little, or having recently had a chance to shower and do laundry, or prioritizing a vehicle that can keep them warm and secure and get them around to safer places/job opportunities/etc over a more expensive "permanent" home that might be out of reach.

At the one job I have now, one of the ladies lived out of her car, and she was working on getting a van so she could actually lay down (sleeping in a car seat was killing her back). All the money she made went into some past legal thing (she didn't go into details, just that she was paying a lawyer a lot of money) so she had to scrounge for food money and money to repair the car that kept breaking down. She ended up getting fired because when others came in a couple times (she worked the overnight shift, so she was trying to sleep in her car during the day, it's it's bright and hot and that much more uncomfortable), she had dozed off while on a break and it looked like she was just sleeping on the job.

I worked with another homeless woman in the past, at another job. I had no idea for the longest time, because she was this very clean, sweet elderly woman who, if anything, dressed tidier than most of out coworkers (it was a factory). She actually lived in her car in the factory parking lot, and the factory happened to have showers that she would get up early to use every day. But it was only seasonal work, so for 3/4 of the year, she had to find some other means of survival, and I honestly don't know what that was.

There are indeed people who choose to be homeless, but that's not because it's easy. It's because our society isn't accommodating their needs - needs which I'm increasingly aware they don't always realize they have. For example, the first lady I mentioned? She had ADHD, and for awhile, I had difficult figuring out why I'd see her work so hard, and she'd be so exhausted, but she struggled to have things done in time. Thinking more about how I actually saw her work, though... it was the ADHD. She'd start a task, then try to do something else, then something else, then something else, and she'd end up spending the night running around trying to make sure everything got done without actually accomplishing much. Myself, I have a really hard time with interviews, even though I'm almost always considered a very good worker if I can actually get the job. I'm just lucky I have some friends I can get along with well enough, but even then, I nearly opted for homelessness because of how hard it sometimes was to get along (not that they're bad people, it's mostly an issue of conflicting mental illness and traumas that made it so difficult to live together for awhile).

I'm also in an area where panhandling is legal so long as the panhandlers are "polite." To a degree, vagrancy is also legal, or at least heavily overlooked, because... there just isn't enough housing that's anywhere near affordable. I make $15/hour and I'd still have to work more than full time to get even a 1-bed apartment or studio (not just because of the rent price, but because they require income to be well above rent or you get turned down). We have two levels of "affordable" housing, one of which has a very narrow range that allows you in, and the other (that's actually based on your income) is so backed up that they have closed waitlists that previously were already up to 2 years long. There's also a big, scary gap between the affordable housing and regular housing where a lot of people don't qualify for one but can't afford the other, and that gap is in the same place for medicare and food stamps (except that food stamps also requires a predictable income - it doesn't even matter if you'll consistently be in range, you can't get approved unless you can tell them a specific number for how much you will earn, which is useless if you don't have a predictable income).

I got really off track from the small bit I wanted to say. >.<

The feedback on this thread is turning out better than I could have hoped. I appreciate everyones' stories and perspectives. Thank you very much for sharing them.

I'm going to butt in with some input of my own, and also some questions.

It wasn't always this way, but my family is very poor right now. Most of our possessions that make us seem "well-off" (aside from the clothing articles we've bought more recently because things no longer fit), are almost 10 years old by now, because 10 years ago we had money and bought things built to last. I remember a time when my dad had to use all of my college savings just to pay for rent and food. As a result, I almost never have money on hand, or if I do, it's not much and is reserved for emergency transportation (i.e. Uber/Lyft/etc.) so I can get home if something should happen (I have no transportation of my own).

I live in a sprawling metropolitan area, and with urbanization comes homelessness. I frequently see people begging on the streets, and my heart goes out to them. I don't know their stories, I don't know whether they're honest or not, I don't know whether they're addicts or not, but I don't really care. As others have pointed out, if they are lying about their needs, I'd only really be out my pocket change, and that isn't much. If they're addicts, so what, they're still human and drug withdrawals can kill. I'd also like to point out that a person's weight should also not be a factor in determining whether to give them money, because obesity is on the rise in poor people. Often times when money is scarce, the only things you can afford to eat are fast food and other junk, because it's all so much cheaper than the healthier stuff. Sure, n theory a person can subsist off of beans and corn or whatever, but eating the same thing every meal is depressing and poor people deserve to enjoy what they eat as much as rich people do.

In short, It doesn't matter to me why they're standing on the road dividers with cardboard signs saying they have no food; all I care about is that they're human beings and they seem to be in need. I want to help. I want to give. But I never have money except my emergency ride funds, and I feel intense guilt about it. Sometimes I have extra cash and I give money, but more often I don't, and every time I don't makes me feel more conflicted.

At the risk of harping on about a resolved topic... Is it ethical for me to turn these people down specifically because of my own poverty? Should I give them some of what I have, because they likely need it even more than I do? Or is my reasoning that I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else acceptable and valid?

In my mind "Give what you can, when you can" does not mean "Give until you feel personally unsafe about your own food/shelter/medical needs"

I don't personally think it makes someone a good person to give homeless people money, nor a bad person to not give them money.

Aside from that...

When I was a preteen and teenager my dad was homeless and I had to live with my birth-giver and her husband.

My dad had a friend who let him borrow his truck, but my dad didn't want to impose by taking up his guest bedroom for more than a couple weeks, and stayed at a homeless shelter for a couple months then on the street for another.

My dad did ask people for money and he did have a pitch. Because it's often a lot easier to ask for money when you have a prepared speech to give in a short time frame that most people are willing to listen.

His pitch was essentially that he needed money for food, gas and to see his daughter (me) once a month.

Many people didn't believe my dad. Many people didn't give him money.

I ended up not seeing him for about 6-7 months at a time because he couldn't afford to drive 5 hours to see me.

He had a borrowed car, he occasionally slept in a homeless shelter, he didn't 'look' incredibly dirty and he had a very good pitch that he gave very well because of his very robust voice and personality, and his experience with being a pastor. But he was still homeless and lacking money and a job.

You really can't judge someone by those things.

Hell right now I have a home, a bed, a phone, but I am unexpectedly struggling money-wise and feel embarrassed about having to ask people for money to get through this month because I'm 'still doing better than homeless people' so I feel like I don't deserve help. So I have avoided asking people because of guilt. For fear that people will see how I look, my fat body, my colored hair, what I have, and feel like they've been cheated because I asked for $20 for groceries or an uber to the doctor.

But back to the ethical portion.

My dad did not think people who refused him money even just because they didn't want to give it, were bad people.

It was just another 'no sorry' to him and he wished them a good day and moved on.