"You sigh as your eyes skim through the title of this thread, on the second or third row of Smalltalk. Another one? This time, even that weirdo full of himself has made one of these. But when you look inside, you realize he means business."
Simply put
Don't ghost your partners.
Don't ghost your partners.
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Nice post Church and I agree with you wholeheartedly. I think a big factor at least in my case is forgetfulness if you don't poke me then I most likely will forget about it, so it's communication issue.
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? 
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I keep pondering if I should link to my Practice Avoiding Ghosting thread in every one of these that pops up or if that would get annoying/tiresome.
I agree for the most part. Sometimes just fading into nothing is best but usually, saying something anything, is best.
Personally I don't think ending things with comments on the other persons writing or characters or whatever is the best idea.
I've grown to mostly just pull my confidence pants up and say "Hey unfortunately I need to step out from our RP, I apologize for the inconvenience"
If they ask why, then I sometimes tell them if there's a very specific conflict but usually I just say that I am removing myself and move on.
Personally I don't think ending things with comments on the other persons writing or characters or whatever is the best idea.
I've grown to mostly just pull my confidence pants up and say "Hey unfortunately I need to step out from our RP, I apologize for the inconvenience"
If they ask why, then I sometimes tell them if there's a very specific conflict but usually I just say that I am removing myself and move on.
I’m quoting both the original message by Churchtuary & Juls’ reply to start off because to me they both resonate and are the most poignant to what I want to say.
I admit that when it comes this and these two heartfelt points, that I am a man of both minds, splitting down the middle with my own experience. All we can do, with everything that we live through, is filtered through our experiences. They teach us, and our past reactions and experiences also guide us to how we tackle new ones. Experience is the foundation and fundamental essence of our growth, as much as we would like to grow. That’s how I feel. Obviously, this is all my personal opinion.
But at the end of the day, no matter how much I can resonate with what you, Churchtuary has to say, I need not give anything I do not want. People can demand of me, but I need not give. Boundaries and the like, to help keep myself safe, etc. And on Juls’ point, I would much rather not risk being served something I may interpret as an excuse, or a cop out, which may in turn hurt me much more.
It’s not a stretch to understand that every single person on this planet has a life as rich and diverse as my own, if not more. We all get busy. Time can fly for each and every one of us. Going through life too, I think it’s rather impossible for anyone to say that they haven’t ever dropped a ball. Life happens.
Does ghosting hurt? Absolutely. I cannot deny that. But on the whole of things, how many things have each of us never gotten an explanation and have had to move on? There are so many bigger things out there that we never get given ‘closure’ for. Broken marriages, deaths of loved ones - while these are huge in comparison, it is, as is alluded to: a death. We go through so many; big and small without explanation. No one owes us a damn thing. It hurts, it aches, but life goes on whether we want it to or not.
When my Papa died, everyone else kept about their morning commute, and I was standing at the side of the body of the only human being who I could trust without an iota of a doubt that I could be loved fully, without judgement, and he was gone. Death happens. I can chalk it up to the basics of life, that his cell regeneration broke down too much, because scientifically, that is what death is. Does it matter that I know the answer? Not in the least. And that stupid little thing about cell regreneration is the only consolation prize, or needed closure I am ever gonna get. We all know people die. We all know ghosting happens. And it’s not simply in the role-play way. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. How many friends do you have and miss from school? From a group you used to be a part of?
The truth is, anything and everything can be a poison that eats us if we let it. I urge you to not let ghosting gnaw away at you to the point that you are, for all intents and purposes, basing a part of your self worth on a writing partner, or the cessation of a friendship. Instead, perhaps find a bit of peace. That person touched you in a way that you clearly loved, else you wouldn’t be mourning it.
Rather than demand a sense of closure, (because you don’t even know that what they will say with even satisfy you in the first place, and how could it? It is a type of death as you say), wish them well. Be grateful for the time, the energy and everything that you did get to share. That you got to be a part of their world for that part of their life and vice versa. Because it was beautiful and enriching, wasn’t it?
Honour it. Cherish it for what it was, and could have very possibly never have been to begin with.
We may never know what happens to that person that left, but they could be in dire straits, they could be just fine. I would rather send out well wishes, love and acceptance, and hope that everything is going great for them without me needing to be a part of it.
The same goes for people that I do not get along with. I don’t get along with one of the, I daresay, the most influential people on the RpR. We do not see eye to eye, and we had a very short and rough discourse. But, they do immeasurably marvelous things for others in the community. I would be abhorrently remiss to deny that. Do I miss out? Well, no. We all help and are a catalyst of good and bad, and I can see and benefit from the good that is done, regardless of my personal relationship with one person. What goes around, comes around.
Deaths, sadness, these are ‘bad’, but they also have the power of bringing others together. Others that may be more permanent fixtures. That is why good and bad go hand in hand.
I think truly what needs to happen is acceptance.
Churchtuary’s Post
Churchtuary wrote:
"You sigh as your eyes skim through the title of this thread, on the second or third row of Smalltalk. Another one? This time, even that weirdo full of himself has made one of these. But when you look inside, you realize he means business."
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Simply put
Don't ghost your partners.
Don't ghost your partners.
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Juls’ Reply
Juls wrote:
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I admit that when it comes this and these two heartfelt points, that I am a man of both minds, splitting down the middle with my own experience. All we can do, with everything that we live through, is filtered through our experiences. They teach us, and our past reactions and experiences also guide us to how we tackle new ones. Experience is the foundation and fundamental essence of our growth, as much as we would like to grow. That’s how I feel. Obviously, this is all my personal opinion.
But at the end of the day, no matter how much I can resonate with what you, Churchtuary has to say, I need not give anything I do not want. People can demand of me, but I need not give. Boundaries and the like, to help keep myself safe, etc. And on Juls’ point, I would much rather not risk being served something I may interpret as an excuse, or a cop out, which may in turn hurt me much more.
It’s not a stretch to understand that every single person on this planet has a life as rich and diverse as my own, if not more. We all get busy. Time can fly for each and every one of us. Going through life too, I think it’s rather impossible for anyone to say that they haven’t ever dropped a ball. Life happens.
Does ghosting hurt? Absolutely. I cannot deny that. But on the whole of things, how many things have each of us never gotten an explanation and have had to move on? There are so many bigger things out there that we never get given ‘closure’ for. Broken marriages, deaths of loved ones - while these are huge in comparison, it is, as is alluded to: a death. We go through so many; big and small without explanation. No one owes us a damn thing. It hurts, it aches, but life goes on whether we want it to or not.
When my Papa died, everyone else kept about their morning commute, and I was standing at the side of the body of the only human being who I could trust without an iota of a doubt that I could be loved fully, without judgement, and he was gone. Death happens. I can chalk it up to the basics of life, that his cell regeneration broke down too much, because scientifically, that is what death is. Does it matter that I know the answer? Not in the least. And that stupid little thing about cell regreneration is the only consolation prize, or needed closure I am ever gonna get. We all know people die. We all know ghosting happens. And it’s not simply in the role-play way. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. How many friends do you have and miss from school? From a group you used to be a part of?
The truth is, anything and everything can be a poison that eats us if we let it. I urge you to not let ghosting gnaw away at you to the point that you are, for all intents and purposes, basing a part of your self worth on a writing partner, or the cessation of a friendship. Instead, perhaps find a bit of peace. That person touched you in a way that you clearly loved, else you wouldn’t be mourning it.
Rather than demand a sense of closure, (because you don’t even know that what they will say with even satisfy you in the first place, and how could it? It is a type of death as you say), wish them well. Be grateful for the time, the energy and everything that you did get to share. That you got to be a part of their world for that part of their life and vice versa. Because it was beautiful and enriching, wasn’t it?
Honour it. Cherish it for what it was, and could have very possibly never have been to begin with.
We may never know what happens to that person that left, but they could be in dire straits, they could be just fine. I would rather send out well wishes, love and acceptance, and hope that everything is going great for them without me needing to be a part of it.
The same goes for people that I do not get along with. I don’t get along with one of the, I daresay, the most influential people on the RpR. We do not see eye to eye, and we had a very short and rough discourse. But, they do immeasurably marvelous things for others in the community. I would be abhorrently remiss to deny that. Do I miss out? Well, no. We all help and are a catalyst of good and bad, and I can see and benefit from the good that is done, regardless of my personal relationship with one person. What goes around, comes around.
Deaths, sadness, these are ‘bad’, but they also have the power of bringing others together. Others that may be more permanent fixtures. That is why good and bad go hand in hand.
I think truly what needs to happen is acceptance.
Demilicious wrote:
I’m quoting both the original message by Churchtuary & Juls’ reply to start off because to me they both resonate and are the poignant to what I want to say.
I admit that when it comes this and these two heartfelt points, that I am a man of both minds, splitting down the middle with my own experience. All we can do, with everything that we live through, is filtered through our experiences. They teach us, and our past reactions and experiences also guide us to how we tackle new ones. Experience is the foundation and fundamental essence of our growth, as much as we would like to grow. That’s how I feel. Obviously, this is all my personal opinion.
But at the end of the day, no matter how much I can resonate with what you, Churchtuary has to say, I need not give anything I do not want. People can demand of me, but I need not give. Boundaries and the like, to help keep myself safe, etc. And on Juls’ point, I would much rather not risk being served something I may interpret as an excuse, or a cop out, which may in turn hurt me much more.
It’s not a stretch to understand that every single person on this planet has a life as rich and diverse as my own, if not more. We all get busy. Time can fly for each and every one of us. Going through life too, I think it’s rather impossible for anyone to say that they haven’t ever dropped a ball. Life happens.
Does ghosting hurt? Absolutely. I cannot deny that. But on the whole of things, how many things have each of us never gotten an explanation and have had to move on? There are so many bigger things out there that we never get given ‘closure’ for. Broken marriages, deaths of loved ones - while these are huge in comparison, it is, as is alluded to: a death. We go through so many; big and small without explanation. No one owes us a damn thing. It hurts, it aches, but life goes on whether we want it to or not.
When my Papa died, everyone else kept about their morning commute, and I was standing at the side of the body of the only human being who I could trust without an iota of a doubt that I could be loved fully, without judgement, and he was gone. Death happens. I can chalk it up to the basics of life, that his cell regeneration broke down too much, because scientifically, that is what death is. Does it matter that I know the answer? Not in the least. And that stupid little thing about cell regreneration is the only consolation prize, or needed closure I am ever gonna get. We all know people die. We all know ghosting happens. And it’s not simply in the role-play way. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. How many friends do you have and miss from school? From a group you used to be a part of?
The truth is, anything and everything can be a poison that eats us if we let it. I urge you to not let ghosting gnaw away at you to the point that you are, for all intents and purposes, basing a part of your self worth on a writing partner, or the cessation of a friendship. Instead, perhaps find a bit of peace. That person touched you in a way that you clearly loved, else you wouldn’t be mourning it.
Rather than demand a sense of closure, (because you don’t even know that what they will say with even satisfy you in the first place, and how could it? It is a type of death as you say), wish them well. Be grateful for the time, the energy and everything that you did get to share. That you got to be a part of their world for that part of their life and vice versa. Because it was beautiful and enriching, wasn’t it?
Honour it. Cherish it for what it was, and could have very possibly never have been to begin with.
We may never know what happens to that person that left, but they could be in dire straits, they could be just fine. I would rather send out well wishes, love and acceptance, and hope that everything is going great for them without me needing to be a part of it.
The same goes for people that I do not get along with. I don’t get along with one of the, I daresay, the most influential people on the RpR. We do not see eye to eye, and we had a very short and rough discourse. But, they do immeasurably marvelous things for others in the community. I would be abhorrently remiss to deny that. Do I miss out? Well, no. We all help and are a catalyst of good and bad, and I can see and benefit from the good that is done, regardless of my personal relationship with one person. What goes around, comes around.
Deaths, sadness, these are ‘bad’, but they also have the power of bringing others together. Others that may be more permanent fixtures. That is why good and bad go hand in hand.
I think truly what needs to happen is acceptance.
Churchtuary’s Post
Churchtuary wrote:
"You sigh as your eyes skim through the title of this thread, on the second or third row of Smalltalk. Another one? This time, even that weirdo full of himself has made one of these. But when you look inside, you realize he means business."
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Simply put
Don't ghost your partners.
Don't ghost your partners.
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Juls’ Reply
Juls wrote:
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I admit that when it comes this and these two heartfelt points, that I am a man of both minds, splitting down the middle with my own experience. All we can do, with everything that we live through, is filtered through our experiences. They teach us, and our past reactions and experiences also guide us to how we tackle new ones. Experience is the foundation and fundamental essence of our growth, as much as we would like to grow. That’s how I feel. Obviously, this is all my personal opinion.
But at the end of the day, no matter how much I can resonate with what you, Churchtuary has to say, I need not give anything I do not want. People can demand of me, but I need not give. Boundaries and the like, to help keep myself safe, etc. And on Juls’ point, I would much rather not risk being served something I may interpret as an excuse, or a cop out, which may in turn hurt me much more.
It’s not a stretch to understand that every single person on this planet has a life as rich and diverse as my own, if not more. We all get busy. Time can fly for each and every one of us. Going through life too, I think it’s rather impossible for anyone to say that they haven’t ever dropped a ball. Life happens.
Does ghosting hurt? Absolutely. I cannot deny that. But on the whole of things, how many things have each of us never gotten an explanation and have had to move on? There are so many bigger things out there that we never get given ‘closure’ for. Broken marriages, deaths of loved ones - while these are huge in comparison, it is, as is alluded to: a death. We go through so many; big and small without explanation. No one owes us a damn thing. It hurts, it aches, but life goes on whether we want it to or not.
When my Papa died, everyone else kept about their morning commute, and I was standing at the side of the body of the only human being who I could trust without an iota of a doubt that I could be loved fully, without judgement, and he was gone. Death happens. I can chalk it up to the basics of life, that his cell regeneration broke down too much, because scientifically, that is what death is. Does it matter that I know the answer? Not in the least. And that stupid little thing about cell regreneration is the only consolation prize, or needed closure I am ever gonna get. We all know people die. We all know ghosting happens. And it’s not simply in the role-play way. People come and go in and out of our lives all the time. How many friends do you have and miss from school? From a group you used to be a part of?
The truth is, anything and everything can be a poison that eats us if we let it. I urge you to not let ghosting gnaw away at you to the point that you are, for all intents and purposes, basing a part of your self worth on a writing partner, or the cessation of a friendship. Instead, perhaps find a bit of peace. That person touched you in a way that you clearly loved, else you wouldn’t be mourning it.
Rather than demand a sense of closure, (because you don’t even know that what they will say with even satisfy you in the first place, and how could it? It is a type of death as you say), wish them well. Be grateful for the time, the energy and everything that you did get to share. That you got to be a part of their world for that part of their life and vice versa. Because it was beautiful and enriching, wasn’t it?
Honour it. Cherish it for what it was, and could have very possibly never have been to begin with.
We may never know what happens to that person that left, but they could be in dire straits, they could be just fine. I would rather send out well wishes, love and acceptance, and hope that everything is going great for them without me needing to be a part of it.
The same goes for people that I do not get along with. I don’t get along with one of the, I daresay, the most influential people on the RpR. We do not see eye to eye, and we had a very short and rough discourse. But, they do immeasurably marvelous things for others in the community. I would be abhorrently remiss to deny that. Do I miss out? Well, no. We all help and are a catalyst of good and bad, and I can see and benefit from the good that is done, regardless of my personal relationship with one person. What goes around, comes around.
Deaths, sadness, these are ‘bad’, but they also have the power of bringing others together. Others that may be more permanent fixtures. That is why good and bad go hand in hand.
I think truly what needs to happen is acceptance.
100%.
Mainly, my main point is,
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I haven't talked to you much--we don't know eachother well, but I empathize a lot on this. I somewhat know how this feels (although I don't know your situation in particular), and it hecking sucks. It hurts.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that friends owe one another closure.
Whatever the situation was, given the extremely skilled RPer that you are, I have no doubt that whatever happened must've had everything to do with the other person, but I know that, no matter what, it still sucks. I remember how I felt and it was a punch in the gut. I'm sorry it happened to you.
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I haven't talked to you much--we don't know eachother well, but I empathize a lot on this. I somewhat know how this feels (although I don't know your situation in particular), and it hecking sucks. It hurts.
I agree with you wholeheartedly that friends owe one another closure.
Whatever the situation was, given the extremely skilled RPer that you are, I have no doubt that whatever happened must've had everything to do with the other person, but I know that, no matter what, it still sucks. I remember how I felt and it was a punch in the gut. I'm sorry it happened to you.
The more detailed, longer-winded version of my thoughts and feelings
Here, here. I wholeheartedly agree with Church on this. With the small addition that ghosting for me doesn't just mean not responding to the RP itself (that can happen any old time because life), it also means not responding OOC when poked or asked what's going on. So, it's only the breakdown of OOC communications with no explaination that bothers me. I think we're talking about the same thing, anyway.
Some people have said they'd rather someone disappear than say something critical. I can understand that and it's an understandable preference. I might agree, depending on what someone was going to say, but I don't see why someone can't be polite yet still vaguely give closure.
(Now I know this won't be a common preference nor am I saying it's the most ethical thing, but...) I'd personally rather have someone lie to me, and tell me that they're too busy to RP than for someone to disappear, if, say, they're a nonconfrontational person. I understand how it is to be a nonconfrontational person, and I still think there's a responsibility (barring something really rough, like a medical or psych emergency or a natural disaster) to give online friends closure.
What I consider "ghosting" (never answering again) has only happened to me with a very close partner once (which I also posted my own distraught thread about). Time does heal wounds like this.
But once was enough to change my perception of online-only relationships.
Some people from here have turned into what I consider "IRL" friends. I literally love them.
But it's funny/sad how that ONE person, (or those several people) who never talks to us again stands out more because that stings more.
It's kind of like when you work at a call center, and you have 99 friendly callers, but that one angry caller is the one you're thinking about during lunch.
Likewise, I have 18 out 25 students who don't cause any trouble at school, 5 students who cause harmless distractions like talking too much or getting off-task, and 2 students that literally wreak havock--breaking things, bullying others, starting fights, etc. And I think about those 2 kids more often than I do any of the other ones.
I've heard that humans fear loss more than they look forward to gain. It makes me wonder if, at least temporarily, we feel loss more deeply than we feel gain. More acutely. It's too bad.
All of a sudden, that makes me want to give a shout out to the many...perhaps the majority?...of people on this website who do NOT ghost people, or who work at trying not to...because there are a number of people who have gone out of their way to form a more secure connection with me or explain reasons for not doing so, and I think the reliability, sincerity, assertiveness, and follow-through of that is something that YOU people (you people who don't ghost or try hard not to ghost) should be extremely proud of. So, I want to say, thank you.
Here, here. I wholeheartedly agree with Church on this. With the small addition that ghosting for me doesn't just mean not responding to the RP itself (that can happen any old time because life), it also means not responding OOC when poked or asked what's going on. So, it's only the breakdown of OOC communications with no explaination that bothers me. I think we're talking about the same thing, anyway.
Some people have said they'd rather someone disappear than say something critical. I can understand that and it's an understandable preference. I might agree, depending on what someone was going to say, but I don't see why someone can't be polite yet still vaguely give closure.
(Now I know this won't be a common preference nor am I saying it's the most ethical thing, but...) I'd personally rather have someone lie to me, and tell me that they're too busy to RP than for someone to disappear, if, say, they're a nonconfrontational person. I understand how it is to be a nonconfrontational person, and I still think there's a responsibility (barring something really rough, like a medical or psych emergency or a natural disaster) to give online friends closure.
What I consider "ghosting" (never answering again) has only happened to me with a very close partner once (which I also posted my own distraught thread about). Time does heal wounds like this.
But once was enough to change my perception of online-only relationships.
Some people from here have turned into what I consider "IRL" friends. I literally love them.
But it's funny/sad how that ONE person, (or those several people) who never talks to us again stands out more because that stings more.
It's kind of like when you work at a call center, and you have 99 friendly callers, but that one angry caller is the one you're thinking about during lunch.
Likewise, I have 18 out 25 students who don't cause any trouble at school, 5 students who cause harmless distractions like talking too much or getting off-task, and 2 students that literally wreak havock--breaking things, bullying others, starting fights, etc. And I think about those 2 kids more often than I do any of the other ones.
I've heard that humans fear loss more than they look forward to gain. It makes me wonder if, at least temporarily, we feel loss more deeply than we feel gain. More acutely. It's too bad.
All of a sudden, that makes me want to give a shout out to the many...perhaps the majority?...of people on this website who do NOT ghost people, or who work at trying not to...because there are a number of people who have gone out of their way to form a more secure connection with me or explain reasons for not doing so, and I think the reliability, sincerity, assertiveness, and follow-through of that is something that YOU people (you people who don't ghost or try hard not to ghost) should be extremely proud of. So, I want to say, thank you.
Churchtuary wrote:
"You sigh as your eyes skim through the title of this thread, on the second or third row of Smalltalk. Another one? This time, even that weirdo full of himself has made one of these. But when you look inside, you realize he means business."
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Simply put
Don't ghost your partners.
Don't ghost your partners.
Yes, you don't owe anybody that lives off a six hour drive or 4 timezones away from down the hemisphere. Yes, you don't have to put up with the drama this act frequently stirs whenever its talked about. Yes, you can stop writing with somebody without feeling guilty.
But you need to give your partners closure.
What do I know about ghosting? I've had less than 10 roleplaying partners in my 4, 5 or 6 years I've been in this forum from multiple self-deleted accounts. The first time it happened, it downright killed my very first public RP. Usually, death is all that results from ghosting and that means for both parties: Death on the very interest to do creative, collaborative writing. Death on friendships you had nurtured for so long and the ones that would've been born. With only the cold void between you and the one you ghosted, a insecurity that pounds on both heads: "We will never talk again."
Take the risk. Grow a thicker skin and tell your partners what is wrong with them. What is wrong with their writing. What is wrong with you. Don't expect smiles and don't ask for forgiveness, for nobody is guilty of anything as long as you give them closure.
And for the ones having the benefit of closure, put your head forward, for life is not a game and failure doesn't mean it's over. Writing - art, in general - is not a sudden process, you will never achieve what you want as long as you actively try to do it. Go with the flow. Accept your weaknesses, know thyself and love your work the way it is.
We, as a community, must put a stop to this. In sake of the Be Nice rule.
I am immeasurably upset by this. This have been yours truly.
Signing off.
Juls wrote:
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I was sitting on not replying to this topic for a while but Juls.. man I gotta agree with you on some level here. Honestly, I used to care more. I like closure and all but man is it rough to do the message exchange.
The fact is, I have practice a lot of communication these last few months and I was met with a lot of animosity. Its to the point where I rather not communicate with people beyond the friends I hold now just because there are certain messages I don’t like waking up to in the morning that strip RPR of its fun.
SO while its -great- to suggest people communicate more… the flip side is that you should also suggest that people are kinder and more understanding to one another when someone DOES communicate. Because at the end of the day that animosity, or fear of that animosity is why people ghost.
Mipps wrote:
Juls wrote:
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I was sitting on not replying to this topic for a while but Juls.. man I gotta agree with you on some level here. Honestly, I used to care more. I like closure and all but man is it rough to do the message exchange.
The fact is, I have practice a lot of communication these last few months and I was met with a lot of animosity. Its to the point where I rather not communicate with people beyond the friends I hold now just because there are certain messages I don’t like waking up to in the morning that strip RPR of its fun.
SO while its -great- to suggest people communicate more… the flip side is that you should also suggest that people are kinder and more understanding to one another when someone DOES communicate. Because at the end of the day that animosity, or fear of that animosity is why people ghost.
I agree with this 100%.
I am with this post 100%. I just got ghosted for my first Time being on RPR (I’m new) and it felt like someone ripped my heart out. I immediately questioned, ‘what did I do wrong?’
It wasn’t like they blocked me or anything, but they deleted their entire profile as well. It was hurtful to know that I might have caused that, and I don’t know why.
It wasn’t like they blocked me or anything, but they deleted their entire profile as well. It was hurtful to know that I might have caused that, and I don’t know why.
Mipps wrote:
Juls wrote:
Is it bad that I'd rather be ghosted than given a lame excuse or be told that something is wrong with me or my writing? It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.
If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
It's not that I can't take it, but it sure puts a damper on the whole 'we're here to have fun' thing.If they simply ghost I can assume that my partners are like me... they have good intentions and fully intend to reply. But, ya know... sometimes life gets in the way or they simply aren't sure what to write and want to think about it for a couple days until the muse returns. Sometimes it just... doesn't. So maybe they'll be back, maybe they won't. Either way, I've been there too.
I was sitting on not replying to this topic for a while but Juls.. man I gotta agree with you on some level here. Honestly, I used to care more. I like closure and all but man is it rough to do the message exchange.
The fact is, I have practice a lot of communication these last few months and I was met with a lot of animosity. Its to the point where I rather not communicate with people beyond the friends I hold now just because there are certain messages I don’t like waking up to in the morning that strip RPR of its fun.
SO while its -great- to suggest people communicate more… the flip side is that you should also suggest that people are kinder and more understanding to one another when someone DOES communicate. Because at the end of the day that animosity, or fear of that animosity is why people ghost.
In truth, I'm in the middle, now. If I did something wrong, I would love to know so that I might better myself. But if the other person is only going to use it to make me feel terrible about myself, just ghost. Don't even bother.
Like a few here who've posted before me...
Ghosting bothered me. And it didn't matter if it happened during the plotting, or if it happened during the actual rp. I give people plenty of time to respond, before I gently ask if they are okay. I've given people up to a month, before I've given up. That's just me.
And while yes I'd love to know why a person isn't posting, without having them go into detail with me, I've just gotten to where it's just not worth the effort anymore to be honest.
However. That is just how I myself am. I've gotten to where finding care for certain things is getting harder and harder for me.
Does this mean that I don't have care for being ghosted? I do have care. It's just one of those battles that I decided to not fight on. People ghost me, it's disappointing but oh well moving on.
Again, this is just me.
Ghosting bothered me. And it didn't matter if it happened during the plotting, or if it happened during the actual rp. I give people plenty of time to respond, before I gently ask if they are okay. I've given people up to a month, before I've given up. That's just me.
And while yes I'd love to know why a person isn't posting, without having them go into detail with me, I've just gotten to where it's just not worth the effort anymore to be honest.
However. That is just how I myself am. I've gotten to where finding care for certain things is getting harder and harder for me.
Does this mean that I don't have care for being ghosted? I do have care. It's just one of those battles that I decided to not fight on. People ghost me, it's disappointing but oh well moving on.
Again, this is just me.
Winters_Fury wrote:
I give people plenty of time to respond, before I gently ask if they are okay. I've given people up to a month, before I've given up. That's just me.
And while yes I'd love to know why a person isn't posting, without having them go into detail with me, I've just gotten to where it's just not worth the effort anymore to be honest.
However. That is just how I myself am. I've gotten to where finding care for certain things is getting harder and harder for me.
Does this mean that I don't have care for being ghosted? I do have care. It's just one of those battles that I decided to not fight on. People ghost me, it's disappointing but oh well moving on.
Again, this is just me.
And while yes I'd love to know why a person isn't posting, without having them go into detail with me, I've just gotten to where it's just not worth the effort anymore to be honest.
However. That is just how I myself am. I've gotten to where finding care for certain things is getting harder and harder for me.
Does this mean that I don't have care for being ghosted? I do have care. It's just one of those battles that I decided to not fight on. People ghost me, it's disappointing but oh well moving on.
Again, this is just me.
This. To be honest, ghosting has never gotten to me much... Because I never cared about it in the first place. People have their reasons, and sometimes they just can't respond because of life or technical issues.
I also agree with Demi and his wonderful post: what's important is to accept that something has ended, as all things in life do, and move on. Patience, empathy, and acceptance is all we can do for roleplayers that disappear. It won't be easy, it'll definitely be hard, but ghosting is something that's just not going away.
Last December I got ghosted by someone when I thought we were about to start something really good. I got a hold of them again but... now I have a problem where I’m carrying the potential of that RP with me even though 
I know their username and that they’re sort of active again, I could leave another message, but I don’t want to bother them once more especially after so long (plus they’re a lot more experienced than me so it’s pretty intimidating overall, hah). It’s sounds dumb, but now I’ve just realised it’s coming up to a year since that RP so... it all sticks.
I am not very consistent though, I cared for this one because it was very, very good, whilst other times I’m likely to ghost/be ghosted and not be bothered because it’s just "meh".
I know their username and that they’re sort of active again, I could leave another message, but I don’t want to bother them once more especially after so long (plus they’re a lot more experienced than me so it’s pretty intimidating overall, hah). It’s sounds dumb, but now I’ve just realised it’s coming up to a year since that RP so... it all sticks.I am not very consistent though, I cared for this one because it was very, very good, whilst other times I’m likely to ghost/be ghosted and not be bothered because it’s just "meh".
Mipps wrote:
The fact is, I have practiced a lot of communication these last few months and I was met with a lot of animosity.
Its to the point where I rather not communicate with people beyond the friends I hold now just because there are certain messages I don’t like waking up to in the morning that strip RPR of its fun.
SO while its -great- to suggest people communicate more… the flip side is that you should also suggest that people are kinder and more understanding to one another when someone DOES communicate. Because at the end of the day that animosity, or fear of that animosity is why people ghost.
Its to the point where I rather not communicate with people beyond the friends I hold now just because there are certain messages I don’t like waking up to in the morning that strip RPR of its fun.
SO while its -great- to suggest people communicate more… the flip side is that you should also suggest that people are kinder and more understanding to one another when someone DOES communicate. Because at the end of the day that animosity, or fear of that animosity is why people ghost.
Well that's a good point.
Hubba wrote:
I am with this post 100%. I just got ghosted for my first Time being on RPR (I’m new) and it felt like someone ripped my heart out. I immediately questioned, ‘what did I do wrong?’
It wasn’t like they blocked me or anything, but they deleted their entire profile as well. It was hurtful to know that I might have caused that, and I don’t know why.
Aww.
Nah...I've figured out that when someone deletes their account, it's almost certainly because of something going on in their life and not a single other player--although I used to feel that way too, until I went through it a few times and talked to some people who had done that. You definitely didn't cause it. But yeah, I know it feels that way at first. If you look on, though, you'll find some reliable partners. 
I agree with most of what this post is saying.
I was once ghosted by someone I thought was my friend, but I should have known better to accept a random friend request when we barely knew each other. I asked them if they wanted to roleplay, they accepted and after a few days into roleplaying they dropped out without a word.
They had said on their profile that they were sick most of the time as a pre-warning so I thought that was why they were gone for so long. That was totally fine and I won't fault them for it, but when they came back they made a post asking for "experienced roleplayers". It was a total punch in the face because not only did they not bother to say anything to me or the few people they admitted to ghosting, but I thought we were friends.
I was also going through some mental health stuff (still am) so seeing that post hurt me more than it should have.
Sounds dumb given what I just said before, but I'm an idiot. So after reading the post, I had one of my self destruct episodes where I deleted everything and contemplated leaving the site because I told myself, "maybe you just suck." Luckily, I thought it over and talked to another friend who encouraged me not to delete my account.
Personally, I think it's best, to be honest, but tactful if you can longer do an RP or you are no longer interested because it's the responsible thing to do. However, like the TC said we are not exactly entitled to an explanation because we don't know what the ghoster might be going through. Sometimes it's easy to pretend it never happened then to speak up at all.
Funny story though, my brother and I were ghosted by the same person!
I was once ghosted by someone I thought was my friend, but I should have known better to accept a random friend request when we barely knew each other. I asked them if they wanted to roleplay, they accepted and after a few days into roleplaying they dropped out without a word.
They had said on their profile that they were sick most of the time as a pre-warning so I thought that was why they were gone for so long. That was totally fine and I won't fault them for it, but when they came back they made a post asking for "experienced roleplayers". It was a total punch in the face because not only did they not bother to say anything to me or the few people they admitted to ghosting, but I thought we were friends.
I was also going through some mental health stuff (still am) so seeing that post hurt me more than it should have.
Sounds dumb given what I just said before, but I'm an idiot. So after reading the post, I had one of my self destruct episodes where I deleted everything and contemplated leaving the site because I told myself, "maybe you just suck." Luckily, I thought it over and talked to another friend who encouraged me not to delete my account.
Personally, I think it's best, to be honest, but tactful if you can longer do an RP or you are no longer interested because it's the responsible thing to do. However, like the TC said we are not exactly entitled to an explanation because we don't know what the ghoster might be going through. Sometimes it's easy to pretend it never happened then to speak up at all.
Funny story though, my brother and I were ghosted by the same person!
Who hurt ya, Churchy?
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