WHO I AM
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Marble halls, private chefs and polite silences. Son of a characteristic businessman and a mother who died too soon. He was 8 years old, too young to fully understand, but old enough to remember her. After her tragic death, she was never talked about again. His father being present, but emotionally distant. Drowned himself in work, leaving his son to tutors and nannies. Learning that grief must be hidden; emotions aren’t safe. Showing signs of anger and repressed sadness; picking fights at school, shutting down when asked about feelings. Just another rich brat.
Only being 15 when he lost it all. The fall was brutal and came with fatal consequences, when his father was arrested for fraud and sent to jail. Friends vanished, schoolmates mocking him. Exiled from the upper class, instead dropped into the modest, disciplined home of his aunt. Not tolerating rich-kid behavior. Sudden identity loss; no longer ‘’Miles Beaumont, heir’’, now just being another kid, or even worse: son of a criminal. Feeling humiliation and betrayal.
Slowly developing an idiot-persona, a way of surviving a new environment, and to make people respect him. A self-defence mechanism; it prevents people from getting too close. Wanting a way out of the new life, it wasn’t for him. Not fitting in, the feeling of losing everything he had, even himself. Hitting the rock bottom a day at work, getting called out for a mistake, triggered a depression, when he was 19. It had been under the surface for a long time, all since his mother passed away.
Depression. It’s real. Learning that the hard way. Locking the door to his room, stopped showing up to work. Just him and his blanket. Sleeping the days away, his whole body had shut down. Attempted a suicide, but got scared and stopped. A year passed, only a few people had seen him in that time. Forced to go to therapy; it was time to move on. Getting better. Not cured. Bad days still come, having the need to shut down.
Moving out at 21, as he felt ready to start fresh on his own. Brooklyn. He can almost see his old apartment where he lived with his father. Looking at the life he could have had. Working at a mechanic, it pays the bills.
Honestly, he’s an idiot. Always been, perhaps always will be. Loud and reckless, he’s almost impossible to ignore. Likes being the arrogant asshole, likes being the idiot. Earning respect that way, reducing the chances of people not taking him seriously. Perhaps there’s a good guy in there, underneath the mask. Sometimes being unselfish without even realizing it, sometimes even showing emotions.
Cuts in lines, assuming things will be handled to him and still has a rich way of thinking life as it’s a game he’s already won - even though he very much hasn’t.
Not malicious, just emotionally lazy. Hiding emotions is what he was taught, yet it gave him depression. He’s afraid of showing them. Terrified of being vulnerable, scared of letting people in, just to lose them again, like he lost both his parents. Keeping things shallow and fast.
A self-centered friend, forgetting important things. Never asking them how they are, he’ll just steal your fries or insult your haircut. His love language. It’s never ‘’i love you’’, it’s ‘’you’re an idiot’’.
Dating Miles means taking the risk that he might never grow up - but also betting on the chance that, if he does, he’ll love you more honestly than anyone ever has.
Visiting his father every year, always on the same day. Desperately trying to not become him, though it seems too late. Still trying to figure out who he is without all the money and luxury. Now he earns his own money, now he lives on the other side of it all, fixing his old school mates’ cars. It’s embarrassing, following him everywhere. Living in the ashes of who he once was, and desperately seeking his new identity in the middle life.
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