Cestella

"Tu es le désir de mon cœur."

I have replayed those words over and over in my head since Sylvester spoke them to me. They are forever etched into my heart, into my soul, and though it has been days since he has spoken them to me, I still find myself unable to stop from smiling at recalling them. I told him I loved him weeks ago, maybe months at this point, and I didn’t expect him to say it back any time soon. He has been through so much in that time, in trying to overcome his alcoholism, to trying to adjust to normal life again and dealing with not being able to see his son.. Loving me was the last thing I thought was on his priority list.

He surprised me, however, as he always seems to do. He remembered a conversation we’d had about sleeping on the deck beneath the stars sometime and had prepared a bit of a picnic there one evening. There were blankets spread out, pillows, everything we’d want to be comfortable on that perfect night outside. It was romantic, of course, something I adore about him, but everything seemed fairly normal otherwise. Good conversation, good food, cooked by him.. Until he took my hand, kissed my ring, and spoke those words to me.

I had expected them eventually, of course, but the fact that he’d memorized what to say in French was truly heartwarming. What surprised me the most, however, was that afterward he’d said he loved me more than he’d loved anyone else.. More than his previous wife.. the mother of his child.. I’m still trying to process it, to be honest. I can honestly say that I share the same sentiment, but I’ve also never been married before. Close to it.. somewhat, anyway, but even then it’s hard to imagine that I’ve somehow become that important to him in such a.. relatively short amount of time. I don’t mind, of course. I feel incredibly honored and fortunate and just so very.. loved. I dream of our future together, of how amazing life will be with him and I have never felt so sure and so at peace in my life.

I want to show him off to everyone I know, to let them see the man who has captured my heart, who has committed me to him in a way no one else has been able to. I don’t want anyone else, anything else. I want him and only him. Forever. Il est mon cœur, mon amour, mon âme, ma vie.

Signed,

Cestella Martine Prescod

It has been too long since I wrote here, but I have been far too busy to spend the time doing so. The trip to France was a.. rough one, to say the least. I had not understood how difficult boat-rides were for Sylvester till I spent many weeks on one with him. He was sick most of the time, and I tended to him as best as I could, but I still felt awful for the man. I couldn’t tell if it was all due to his not drinking and what I guess are withdrawals, or if it was the ocean, itself, but we made it eventually and took a break in the port city before heading to the cottage.

I’d forgotten how beautiful this place is, not only with the somewhat wild and unkempt foliage outside, but even the house in general. It is small, much smaller than what I am use to if you don’t count the suites at the tether, but it is.. cozy. I’d honestly forgotten just how much I love the place until I came here again. I know we are suppose to be here for Sylvester’s recovery but I don’t think I’ll mind spending a few months here, or however long it will take.

Despite the setting, things with Sylvester have been.. nice. More than nice. They’ve been merveilleux. We’ve spent a week here now, totally alone and completely wrapped up in each other. Sylvester has been sick, yes, but he is endearingly needy and affectionate when he is not feeling well and ca me réchauffe le coeur. I wish he knew just how much it means to me to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved, even if he hasn’t said as much yet..

I fell for him even before we left to come here and I didn’t hesitate in telling him so. He didn’t say it back, nor did I expect him to, but I can tell he didn’t mind it, despite the initial shock. Now I say it freely, when the time feels right, and each time he tells me he adores me, something I do not doubt in the least. He shows me with each touch he offers, each look, and I cannot help but to become wrapped up in it all. I wanted to be cautious at first, but it is too late for that now. I am not afraid, however. I do not think he will repeat his transgressions, though I also do not understand the severity of his addiction, either. I trust him. Whether that will be my undoing is something only time will tell, but for now I do not care.

We are no longer alone here, which will be something we will both have to adjust to, though it is for my own benefit. Dauphine has returned to help with things around the place and to serve. I know Sylvester is not use to having servants, but I do hope he eventually sees how beneficial she can be. It has only been a day, but so far it seems that he doesn’t mind her presence, at least, and she is as kind and unimposing as I remember her to be.

In some ways I wish I was not so use to lavish living and I could simply erase those desires and needs that were born of my noble upbringing, but I selfishly do not want to change. I enjoy being waited on and served. I enjoy being wealthy and having an abundance of clothes and jewelry and things.. I just hope it does not make me a bad person to feel that way. I guess we will find out once things settle further and I have to start attending the fêtes et événements in order to gain more clientele, something I have not mentioned to Sylvester just yet. Attending them seems to pull out the true noble in me and I wonder how he will react to seeing the change, to seeing me around all of those people rather than just how I am with him at home. There are certain things you must say and ways you must act to fit in, and I am not sure if he will understand. I hope so, but it is not something I will worry about until the time comes, for he still has to recover first, something that I see happening more and more each day. I am glad for it, and I hope being here will serve to quicken the process so that he can try to truly be happy and enjoy life, and I can do so with him.

Signed,

Cestella Martine Prescod

I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of filling my time with work, as much as I love it sometimes. I am tired of filling my bed with people who could care less of me as a person.

I want to be truly wanted, to be valued for more than what I can offer with my body, to be listened to, to be loved.. And if I musk risk pain, frustration and potential heartache again in the hopes of achieving that, est-ce si mal?

Every day I wake up and every minute I am not in the suite I worry that Sylvester will break, that he will give in to his need to cope with all he has been through and I will find him passed out somewhere or worse. It consumes me. I find myself waking in the middle of the night or early in the morning, before the sunrise, just to make sure he is still beside me and that he is alive and breathing.. that he is real.

I still cannot believe he has come back, and though I try to hide it for his sake, I still feel the pain of his leaving weighing heavily upon my heart. At times I become lost in thought at the ‘what ifs’ of the past, but then I see his face and the sadness in his eyes when he looks at me sometimes, full of shame and regret, and I cannot fault him for any of it.. du moins pas à haute voix.

Despite the heartache and the fear, however, things are definitely not all bad. Now that he is back, it is like my body cannot stand to be apart from him, even by a few inches, if I can help it. He seems to feel the same way, always looking at me, taking in my scent, and caressing me.. It drives me absolutely mad.

I remembered his touch so vividly, and the way my body molded to his and that, too, consumes me. I told myself when I decided to ask him to stay that I would not fall too quickly, but everything about him makes controlling such a thing impossible and I’ve found myself right back to where I was a few years ago.. utterly bewitched by this man.

Mon Dieu, it has only been a handful of days now… What is wrong with me? Do I have no self control?

Apparemment non.

Regardless, we are heading to France soon in order to stay in the cottage I have there. I am hoping that it will be a place he can avoid temptation, as I know he cannot do that at the Tether, and I think he is hoping for the same. The preparations have been difficult and the stress is beginning to get to me, but if we can get there and we can both begin to heal, then all of the stress, the heartache, and the years lost will have been worth it. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.


Signed,

Cestella Martine Prescod