RPR Write-a-Thon

Goal: 50,000 words
Progress: 4765/50k

Content Warnings: Emotionally upsetting, violence, abuse, or self-harm.

Title: The Cursed Heart
Synopsis:The guilt, the regret, and the curse that Eirin carried after rejecting Alvaro's love confession in the past came back to haunt her as she tried to open her heart to new love.
Author Notes: I had this story back on my high school era and it was one of the story I had in my earlier days for my writing journey. It never reach the end because of the exams I had back then kind of blocking me the flow of the story. Now that I had the chance to challenge myself on the writing again, I will try to relish this memory with the way I had improved in writing stories throughout the year.

"I love you"
"I know... but I can't..."
"Then don't blame me if you can't love somebody else."

Shot up straight from the bed to sit suddenly with her breath uneven, as if somebody had pushed her wandering soul back to her body, the morning alarm jolted her. It had been blaring since at least five minutes ago, and it didn't very much bother her because, usually, she set the alarm for a morning notice. It might be far away from what an alarm was supposed to do in order to wake someone up, but her dream was that it had truly woken her. As if time had a way to mock her for the morning notice and produced another way to wake her cruelly. Five years had passed since the tragedy that Eirin desperately wanted to erase or to forget or to bury it away from her life with how hard she fought to erase and to bury it in the deepest section of her memorial brain. The woman had tried everything to make it gone from her life, but it came back to her again at the time she had finally freed herself from all the guilt that had shrouded her these past five years.

It all came back again to mock her and be a reminder of what had truly happened five years ago. It looked like it was thanks to her mom because, just recently, she kept urging her to marry somebody else because she had reached her twenties. In Indonesia, the parents that were still keeping the old tradition wanted their daughter to marry somebody else as they reached their twenties. But for Eirin, it was total nonsense. Every time her mother brought up the marriage talk during one of their lunches or their dinner, she told nonsense about her friend's son or their neighbor's nephew, a young man who had joined the army or had proudly accepted to be a police officer or proudly passed the government exams as a civil servant and said that they will be great back-ups or lifesaver for her future life. The entire idea was one of the most irritating things that her ears keep receiving, and it irritated her to think about how she marry those who served themselves eligible for their "country", as if it was an irritation to her that it was meant to be left in the dust. Positively, they will have a good reputation and stable jobs, but negatively, they will seldom come home and a lot of pressure they could have to marry someone that serves their bodies and minds for the country. It didn't mean she refused to marry somebody else, but indeed, she had just recently reached her twenty-one, and she still had very much the dream she wanted to pursue. The tradition was a total nonsense, and she couldn't even imagine herself marrying somebody else young and being stuck in her daily life only being a wife to somebody else and serving their daily needs or preparing their daily meals, which the elder said as one of a way to devote their life to becoming a police wife or a civil servant's wife.

Her mother insisted that she would have an honorable life and their family would be looked at honorably. Her mother told her that everything else would be provided and all she had to do was just to serve her husband and wonder what was wrong with that. What was wrong was everything for Eirin. They said that she wouldn't even worry about her life if she married someone who was rich and all she had to do was quiet and serve, as if it was no difference to what a maid does and their desires, as if she had no difference from what a mistress does. It was a total nonsense and Eirin wanted to cut off that tradition. Her mother even told her that if she had a daughter or a son later at this very age, she would still have the advantage of being young when her kids grew up to their adolescence. So, it will still be another advantage to marry young with the rich and to have kids at a young age and still be young even if they have already hit their puberity. It wasn't an advantage for her and it was all total rubbish. And since then, Eirin developed a quiet resistance by wearing her earphones whenever she ate lunch or dinner with her mother or sometimes had a solid excuse that she needed to work on her work's profile or that her boss would suddenly fake-call her just for her to eat in the living room or just hide in her room whenever it was time to eat. In Indonesia, it was normal even if you've been in your twenties, and you haven't yet separated or lived outside your parents' home. As long as you haven't gotten into marriage yet, you are still their children. And even though she had just reached her twenty-one, she had already been accepted to work as an administration officer in the back office. And all of this tradition and trauma nonsense were back to haunt her in the morning.

Eirin sat still for a moment as her eyes still disoriented before her surroundings came to her focus. Her room was bathed in a soft blush of a dawn and pale pink light just slipped through the pale pink curtains with some flamingo printed in entire of the linen as it was in medium size of a window which has the white transparent curtain to double cover the trim of her window. It brushing over the tidy lines of her neatly made space in her room. Although her bed was slightly rumpled from her sleep, the pillows fluffed still while the blanket folded at the foot in precision. It was still April anyway so blanket wasn't exactly necessary at dry season. Even though sometimes she had to use her blanket in one of the hot nights just because she didn't want to have the mosquito bites. The blanket will just be necessary around September to December when it was the rainy season and the temperature will be down to freeze her. There was an aromatherapy diffuser on her night stand with lavender scent carried the room and the lavender solutions from people to wash away the mosquitos in fact, they were stronger than that and that was where she needed her blanket.

“Eirin! Breakfast is ready! Aigoo… what kind of a lady that woke up so late?"

There it is again. It was her mother’s voice that if it was a scissors or a saw it will cut through the thin wall of the house. Again, she brought up about the old tradition that told a young lady shouldn’t have to wake up so late in the morning because they believed that the early birds get worms. The morning lecture disguised as a concern and this was one of her mother’s favorite. And because Eirin hated worms so much since they jiggle everywhere and she will grimace whenever they crossed path. And since she wasn’t a bird either so it should have been normal for a human to wake up late. What was so wrong with wake up late when you have so many works to do until midnight and human have the need to at least sleep 7 hours in a day? Again, that tradition is a total nonsense. Why should she chase the worms in the first place?

“Eirin!”
“Yeah mom! I’m coming!” she answered louder this time.

Grumbling while running her fingers through her hair in frustration for at least she looked presentable for her mother. She didn’t want to get another lecture on how a lady should have taken care of her appearance. At least not today when her nightmare haunted her again. She took a moment to present herself in front of the standing mirror just across her bed. Although the faint scent of the lavender that came from her diffuser slightly calming her mind, her face looked a bit tired. Her loose white T-shirt and shorts probably far from elegant but comfort was her first priority. The lady checked on her face once again for certainty. This time, she leaned closer to the mirror to zoom her face more and she caught a sight of the faint redness on her eyes with a trace of moisture shimmered along her lashes. Did she cry? She didn’t even remember if she cried. Did she cry on her sleep? Probably she did cry just before the alarm jolted her to wake her up. Although she didn’t really certain if she had cried on her sleep but the nightmare surely gave her heart that unease feelings that clung to her chest.

Eirin pressed her fingertips to the corner of her eyes and dabbed the evidence away, wiping what was left on her eyelashes before took a steady breath. After one last glance in the mirror, she turned toward the door and stepped out her bedroom.

The warm scent of just-cooked rice with the sesame oils and stir-fried anchovies drifting through the air as Eirin walked on the hallway to the kitchen. Their family usually had their breakfast on the dining table near the kitchen. And just like how Asian said that “they haven’t eaten yet if they not eat rice” so even in the morning, the rice was the main part of the meal. Her mother stood just behind the stove. The kitchen may look small like most Asian homes and it was a two-burner gas stove with its blue flame steady beneath a well-used frying pan. The side dishes had already placed around the table while Eirin passed it and walked toward the sink. She wanted to splash her face with some water first, at least to make her fully wake up before eating her breakfast. It was Friday and that meant she would have two days off for Saturday and Sunday. But even if it was the day-off where anyone usually hang out with their friends, or went out somewhere to the cozy or viral places, Eirin had nothing to do on her weekends, really. She usually just played her game or read her romance Japan-comics or basically cleaned up her room.

It was still 7:30 by the morning. It was still morning as heck but according to her mother, it was already late. Her work shift was in the 9 and it took almost one hour from home to her office. Traffic was truly crazy from where her parent’s house placed. Occasionally, she thought of living alone near her office but being overthinking as she was, that thought had almost caught her up by being lonely of living alone. Moreover, that nightmare, or the trauma that she had already caught up for her life. Of course, she was able to live alone, at least she did everything on her needs like an independent woman and have a strong survival sense on her own. But what made her truly afraid to leave alone was that the feeling of being followed of some strange person or being watched or peeked at by someone she couldn’t even fathom.

“So ugly.”
“Yeah you.” Shot her back toward her younger brother as she wiped her face dry with a hand towel. Raihan walked past toward her on the kitchen sink, walked past toward the dining table. He was already in his school uniform with his hair sticking up at odd angles and sit on the chair which was far away. Yep. He’s the ugly one.

“At least I woke up before you.” Raihan grinned.
“Yeah, congratulation. Do you want a trophy?”
“Don’t need one. I already have my approval from mom.” He smirked and nodding toward their mother who was still ladling doenjang* soup into bowls.
“Don’t drag me into your nonsense.” Their mother cut in. “Now eat before the rice gets cold. Eirin you will be late if you keep talking! Raihan, stop checking your phone while you’re eating!”
“I’m reading the news!” he said.
“You’re scrolling through memes.” Eirin countered as her eyes peeking the reflection of his screen.
“Shut up! You don’t even have social life.”

Eirin glared at him and a sharp flick on his forehead had earned from her chopstick.

“Aw!” he hissed while rubbing the red spot on his forehead.
“Enough! Both of you! Can’t we have a one peaceful meal? Every morning, you’re like cats fighting over the same fish.”

Raihan stuck his tongue out after that and they went quiet as they finished their breakfast. Although while chewing her rice and her spinach quietly but her mind wasn’t near from quiet. The words from her nightmare clung to her like a static radio and as long as her brain worked the hardest, she couldn’t even forget about it anymore. No matter how hard she tried to shake it off, it eventually bouncing back just like last night. By the time she looked down again, her rice was already half-finished and it turned to slight cold and a bit rough. Raihan had already finished his meal before darting toward the entrance door and his backpack was bouncing against his shoulder because he had only fifteen minutes more before his school bell rang and his school gate closed. Their home was really close with Raihan’s school so it was a habit of him to go to the school for the last minute until 8 o’clock to start his school studies. Sometimes, Eirin was envy of that. Even though it was already long since she was graduated and she was already suffered more to get a job after her graduation. The time where everything has happened. The time where her nightmare started. Because her graduation was the time Alvaro came toward her with a big bucket of red and white roses bonded with a silk pink ribbon which she has no interest with and a smile that she didn’t even want to see and before she could process everything on him, suddenly there was his love confession. The same words that still haunted her in her dreams.

“I love you…”

---

*doenjang soup: a traditional Korean fermented soybean paste made from soybeans, salt, and brine that is salty, savory, and rich in umami.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOIIIIING?”
"Stupid! He can hear us!” Jolted by the sudden shout, Eirin slapped her deskmate’s shoulder real hard enough to make a sharp pak! And it was hard enough to make Clara yelp for giving her such a heart attack in the morning before even their classes ready yet. Why did this girl always have to shout like that first thing in the morning?

“You kidding? We are in the third floor? He didn’t even notice you! Let alone hear you gawking at him”
“I’m not gawking!” Eirin hissed, “Now shut up before someone actually looks up here.” said Eirin.

Clara rolled her eyes dramatically and leaned against the balcony. Her eyes following Eirin’s gaze toward the guy that Eirin watched on their school’s basketball court. Every morning before their classes started, this lady, her desk mate has this kind of habit to watch their senior playing basketball with the morning sun hit the polished floor and the ball bouncing on and off where they passed it to each other. Their senior from class 12 Science with his white shirt unbuttoned, showing a bit of his neck line and his sleeves rolled to his elbow with his hair a little messy from the game. Their sneakers screeching against the court and it echoed faintly all the way up to their classroom, even if it belongs to the third floor. It had been six months already since their orientation day. It had been five months since Eirin watched him playing basketball at least once a week. It had been five months and the guy didn’t even notice anything as if Eirin was nothing and invisible. It had been six months since their orientation days and yet, Clara’s desk mate still hasn’t found her confident to confess or to even talk to the guy she harboured her feelings to. It all started since their orientation days.

The very first week of their high school days was filled with orientation days or Masa Pengenalan Lingkungan Sekolah (MPLS) as the teachers called it. The first-year students were required to wear ridiculous accessories “for character building” and had a giant handmade name tag dangling from their neck usually made of cardboard and decorated with bright markers and stickers. Eirin’s name tag had been especially humiliating: a pink one with her name “EIRIN” written in big bubble letters and outlined in glitters. Her group leader had added a doodle of a smiling sun at the corner as a touch to make it more cheerful. They had to wear mismatched socks then tie their hair in strange ways and bring all kinds of “creative” items in such unique riddles. Example like Zebra Cross Biscuit which means “Oreo” or Sheep’s Eyes and Egg which mean “Sunny-side up Egg”. That morning, Eirin had tied her hair but because one of her rubber bands snapped in the last minutes, it turned into disaster as the two pigtails became uneven. She had tried to fix it but since she had no other choice and no other time of course the result was a lopsided mess that made her look more like a kid from kindergarten than a high schooler. The seniors standing in front of the line of the nervous freshmen as their group leader. Some barked orders for fun by making everyone sing the school anthem louder or introduce themselves in silly ways. There were also kind seniors who sneak candies to the freshmen who looked like they were about to cry.

“You there! The one with the funny pigtails! Sing the school march!”

For a second, Eirin thought that she had misheard it. She hoped that she misheard the order but the way the crowd of the freshmen’s eyes all turned toward her with the amount of at least 100 new students’ eyes on her, she froze. There were so many of them and why the fate had to choose her today? There were so many days to feel lucky but why it had to be today to be the chosen one? Eirin barely even remember the school march and the melody and to be asked suddenly to sing it, her brain felt like stopped working. It’s all gone from her memory and it became vague on her brain. She knew about the school’s march as she had to learn it after getting accepted on this high school and learning about the march was one of the school’s traditions. She had memorized them every morning before the school semester even start but that was weeks ago and she barely even remember the second verse. Some whispered that they were relieved that it wasn’t them to be barked at and shout at to sing the school march. Some had high expectation and hoping that Eirin was able to sing the march so that they could pass toward another section of the orientation. Some just wanted it to finish it quickly because they were starving. Eirin forced a smile that was more like a grimace and sweat trickling down her temple, more likely because they were all gathered on the school’s court under the sun. If she refused now, she will be marked in the future as the kid who made things difficult in their fresh days of orientation. And in high school, that label followed you for years. Especially when OSIS* seniors had the power to “volunteer” you for every embarrassing task imaginable. No way she dug her own grave in the first week of her high school life. So, taking a very deep inhale and a rushed exhale, Eirin opened her mouth and started to sing everything that her brain remembered of the school’s march. She didn’t care if it was out of tune or when her voice cracked as long as she could finish this quickly. The heat of the sun already pressed on her and the eyes of the freshmen toward her all became pressure to bury her. Her cheeks felt like it was burning and the more she tried to remember the rhythm, the lyrics ran from her brain. To fill the gaps, she added claps to go along to the beat even though it sounded more awkward. By the last verse of the march, Eirin wasn’t sure if she was singing in the right tune anymore because of how much crack she had singing it. She just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole from all of these watching eyes.

She finally finished the long school’s march which they will obviously sing every Monday on their usual Monday flag ceremony. The field fell silent after that. One of the OSIS senior whom pointed at her previously to sang the school’s march clapped for her try and blew her whistle sharply.

“Well… at least she tried!”

OSIS members chuckled and other few clapped mockingly. Then, from the row of OSIS seniors one of them stepped forward her. He wasn’t the type to barked or ordered the freshmen to do silly things since Eirin haven’t notice him that much from the OSIS line. He was the one who kept his smile for the entire day and didn’t even shout to the young students in order to be noticed. His hair was neatly combed and his eyes held gentleness that made him popular among the girls that secretly whispered about him even if he didn’t notice it. He secretly took one of the water and walked toward Eirin with such grace. He handed it toward her and Eirin could saw the name tag of the OSIS on his chest written in brass metal: Renno Wibisana.

“Thank you, Kak*” Eirin murmured.

For a second, she lost breath. Her eyes just couldn’t stop staring at him and she was surely caught off guard by his kindness after all the shouts and orders toward them. She wasn’t sure which one was more like an oasis to her, that Kak Renno or the bottle of water on her hand which she gripped really hard. His OSIS uniform somehow stayed spotless while the other seniors looked wilted and tired. His posture was straight with his shoulders relaxed yet confident. He surely looked like those noble characters from old Asian dramas, or those noble characters entirely. His hair was jet black and the front hair swept slightly upward in a way that framed his face just right. After that blessing moment, her eyes just keep wandering toward the OSIS group every chance she got. Toward Kak Renno precisely. Whenever the OSIS gathered the first years toward the court for giving orders or having another silly game and her eyes will eventually bouncing back toward the prince charming. He truely was different from other OSIS seniors because he never raised his voice toward his juniors. It was like he was full of pride showing the school and he was also happy to answered those questions from the juniors even if it was out of the topic and silly questions which, obviously, girls will tease him or asking private things about him in order to get his attention. He was also the one who picked up the leftover bottles after their activities and making sure no trash scattered on the field. He was also the one to make sure no one fainted in the heat and softened when the first year stumbled or forgot the rules. And Eirin noticed everything about him. The way he tucked his hands into his pockets when listening to other seniors talk or the way he tilted his head slightly when concentrating, or the way he smiled that enough to make her stomach do fluttering twist. It was all strange and somehow, oddly comforting.

The orientation days stretched on like that for almost a week with endless announcements, team-building games and lectures in the auditorium. By the final day of orientation, the seniors announced the “signature hunt.” Each freshman was given a blank sheet of paper and told to collect as many OSIS members’ signatures as possible within an hour. Usually, the signature hunt turned the whole schoolyard into cheerful chaos. It was also one of the fun and chaos tradition with students running around to beg their OSIS seniors for their autographs while some OSIS made them sing, dance, or answer tricky questions before signing. The first OSIS senior Eirin approached was a girl so stunning that even her exhaustion looked graceful. Her uniform fitted her perfectly and her ribbon was crisp and symmetrical with her hair fell in glossy black waves. There was dozen first-year boys lined up just to get her signature while adjusting their collars or their shirts like wanted to be remembered by the beautiful senior. When it was finally her turn, Eirin was kind of stumbled to request on the mesmerizing OSIS’s signature and she could feel that her cheeks were burning. The beautiful senior only gave her a polite smile but that smile was enough to even soothe those lonely heart. And even if Eirin was a woman, her heart got fluttered to caught on the smile. It’s like looking at those idol-stars and she couldn’t even imagine how boys caught her smile. Probably it was enough to make their heart burst and their eyes flowering with loves.

The second senior was the same woman who had made her sing the school’s march. Her short hair brushed her jawline and her expression was all business. Eirin hesitated and her throat had gone dry, counting on should she approach this senior or not because it kind of leaving a trauma on her and she could feel another cold sweat on her palm. But, she swallowed her pride and bowed her head slightly as she held out her paper to ask for the signature. The senior’s hand moved quickly with her pen slicing across the paper without so much as a glance. Eirin exhaled in quiet relief while saying thank you to her. The next OSIS member she found was hard to miss, he laughed at everything and nothing at once. His nametag said Fajar*, and even before she spoke to ask for his signature, this OSIS senior was already giggling. He signed her paper with a messy scrawl and handed her a lollipop although she didn’t quite understand why. She left confused but oddly lighter. The fourth or maybe fifth? she was already losing count because it was all blur, another senior sitting on a desk and the situation was like those idols in fan-signing. He barely looked up as he stamped her paper and Eirin didn’t mind because the chaos was wearing on her.

Finally, she could see him from afar. The prince charming senior that even her eyes betrayed her not to stop looking at him. He stood a little apart from the other OSIS seniors and Eirin was hesitated at the edge of the courtyard. He was talking to another student whom asking his signature and his voice was low enough that she could only catch the rhythm of it. It was ridiculous to feel nervous. It was even more ridiculous because her heart thudded on her ear when she started walking toward him.

“Hey, Eirin.”

His voice felt like Christmas-bells in Eirin’s ears. If only she could record the way he called her name and she could replay it or maybe make his voice as her alarm, she will surely wake up easily. But, their phone was gathered every morning before the orientation section started and there would be the OSIS guarding their phones on the boxes regarding to their classes. Each class have one OSIS as their leader. If only there was another way to have his voice and to be kept it as a treasure…

“Eirin? Don’t you want my signature?”
“Oh! Yes, I’m sorry, Kak Renno. Here, please sign my paper.”

He wrote his name neatly with the letters long and deliberate: Renno Wibisana. Eirin left a mental note that she will cut that part of the paper and framed it and put it on her study desk. She will look onto his hand-writing forever.

“Done.” Renno returned the paper with a smile.
“THANK YOU KAK!”

With a shout that Eirin didn’t even realize how loud she was, she ran. Far far away to bury her embarrassment.

---

*OSIS: Organisasi Siswa Intra Sekolah -- Intra-school students organization, something like Student Council

*Kak: Kak is a shorter word from ‘Kakak’, which means older sibling, but Indonesians use the word Kak as a pronoun for referring to people that was older than them in daily life. Usually, they use the word ‘Kak’ first, then the person’s name. But basically this word can also refer to sibling.

*Fajar in Indonesian also means Sun.