Antonela

It's been a while since I've had time to write, so perhaps this will be a long one.

I finally finished a gift I've been working on for Winny. I know she prefers lightweight rapiers, and guns have never been her forte. I wouldn't expect that to change just because I give her one. Nor would I be interested in giving her something I know she wouldn't want to use. However... I found a perfect middle ground.

It was honestly the most difficult thing I've ever crafted. Finding the proper barrel for such a thin blade.. And I'm not excellent with blades as it is. Cheri taught me things inbetween our uh... moments together. I was able to find a smith who was willing to give me advice and critique, in exchange for a small contract of arms to sell in his shop. It was certainly worth the price. The blade turned out beautifully. The modified barrel of the gunblade took the most time, because finding the correct balance so as not to add too much weight to make the rapier essentially useless was not easy. I had to craft special ammunition, as well, but every hour spent was worth it to see the appreciation on Winny's face. The gun itself is only for worst case scenarios. I hope she never has to use it, but now if she does... she'll be safe.

Or rather, she should be safe, but who knows considering she is a walking disaster.

I have no idea why she spends her time in that horrific arena, but if she's going to I would certainly prefer she didn't do stupid, outrageous things like walk home on a broken leg all by herself! I have never been more astounded by her stubborn... Ugh! I spent the evening with her, keeping her company and tending to her leg as it healed.

We also met a lovely slave girl- I don't typically enjoy renting them, but she gave me the most relaxing massage of my life and helped ease the tension in my body. She is so sweet, I truly hope she finds a kind master or mistress... So many don't.

These last few days, I've spent a lot of time cleaning. The babe is so incredibly active, always. Winny doesn't like that I'm spending so much time wiping windows, because obviously that's so strenuous. I love that she worries, but I wish she would remember that I'm not made of glass. I need to make sure that there's little to do around here after the baby is born.

Winny... seems focused on finding Jermaine. I'm not sure I want to know what she does to him when she does. I don't doubt that she will.

I've been feeling ill since I stepped onto the last ship that brought me to Winny. I assumed it was just... sea sickness. I had no appetite on the ship, or really for quite some time now. Ever since the attack, it's been difficult to eat, to sleep, to rest.

Last week, I was ill. Winny took me out of the shop, wouldn't let me stay there despite my protests. I know I can be quite stubborn, but even I can concede when I know she is right. I took the day to rest, tried to nibble on food. The following day, I was ill again, and Winny wouldn't hear that I didn't want to see a doctor. I suppose it was for the best.

I'm having Jermaine's child.

I feel as though my life has been irrevocably tampered with by him. He turned my entire world upside down. Crushed the empire I spent better than a decade fighting for, building. I sacrificed so many choices in order to obtain my schooling. I had a good life, don't get me wrong. Bellamy was such a good man, a wonderful friend, and I truly do feel that... I would have loved him in all the ways I was supposed to. Gods, if only this baby could be his. It would make the choice so much easier.

There are options. Options I was given, with a short window to think on them. I don't have to have Jermaine's child, and yet... What has this poor child done to deserve my anger and resentment? I know it's not quite so easy as that. Having this child means I will have to always have a piece of that man with me, no matter how different the child is. And I... I truly don't know that I want that, but I also know that I had already made my choice the moment the baby was discovered.

I will have this baby. I will raise them, and love them, and make sure that they are cherished despite the circumstance. If any one good thing can come from the absolute agony I've been through in the last few months, I feel... no, I know it will be this child. I tried to tell Winny we would leave, but she wouldn't hear it.

Gods, but I love her.

It turns out Winny is not quite so alone! Although she had told me that she had others living with her, I have rarely come into contact with anyone else. To be fair, I do spend as much time in my workshop as I can. Starting from the bottom again is rough, but it's helpful to have Winny on my side and willing to assist. I just wish I could do more to repay her than... build guns and be a burden.

Sareturu is a kind man, a sweet one, and I love Winny to bits for giving him his freedom and a chance at a true life. I dare say I might find a friend in him, and I'm certainly excited to do so. I'm also... very glad that Winny has had a support system here, no matter how small. She's such an incredible woman. The world doesn't realize how lucky it is to have her in it.

I will never again let her out of my life.

It's oddly comforting being here, even if I'm still far from feeling safe.

Having Winny to watch my back does certainly make a world of difference, but I also feel... horribly guilty. To just drop in on her like this, beg for her help, and have nothing to offer in return? It feels terrible. I wish she wasn't such a good person. I wish she would have turned me away. And yet I will be forever thankful that she didn't.

Her suite is quite large. Honestly, I'm not sure why. To this day, Winny hardly relaxes. I have to wonder if she'll ever learn to do so. I've been trying to help her to do so, as subtly as I can. I always missed her while I was away, but now that I have her back in my life, I feel as though I'm still missing her. There's a distance I can't quite close, and I suspect it's my own guilt over the state of her life after I left.

I never should have gotten on that ship without her. The night before, I fantasized about running away with her. I think she knew, because she kept her distance. I wonder what it would have been like. I probably would have gotten us both killed, honestly. It's nice to wonder sometimes, though.

Tonight I was strolling the underhall with Sorwyn. She does still have a job, after all, and I can't expect her to drop that to be unpaid by me. I'm working on things in the shop, but it'll take a while before I have products ready for sale.

It was a nice stroll, until the wall started to cave in. We were attacked by a group of naga with... some sort of illness. Probably the one spreading here currently. I've been doing my best to stay away from anyone and anything that might have it. Winny was so close to some of them. If anything happens to her, I'll be beside myself.

I'm only glad we were victorious.

Winny convinced me that I should showcase my guns. While I'm terrified that it will only draw Jermaine's attention and eventually lead him to me, I know that I can't just sit around doing nothing either. My guns are my livelihood. I need to rebuild my funds, I need to be able to pay Sorwyn for the things she's doing for me, whether she likes it or not. She owes me nothing; she never has. How does she expect me to just take advantage of her with no remorse? I won't.

The event itself was actually delightful. At first all I could do was look over my shoulder. Winny was there to remind me that she had my back, my side, my front. She's still so fierce. Even more so than when we were younger, which I hadn't thought possible. I just wish she would loosen up a bit. It's not my place to ask... but I wonder what happened when I left. I wish every single day that I could have just taken her with me, but then what? What if Jermaine had killed her too? I know it's a terrible thing to admit, but I think I would have been more crushed by her death than I am at Bellamy's. I loved him, first as a friend and then as something so much more. That may have been brief, but there's no denying it. And yet.. Sorwyn will always be the first true friend I had. I love her more than words, even with time and distance between us.

A woman named Johari won the shooting competition we hosted; she now holds one of my guns, hopefully at her hip, and I've promised her free weapon servicing for a year. I have to build a customer base that believes in me. One that trusts me to take good care of them. Met some wonderful people as well, including a curious man with crystals coming out of his skull. He seemed eager to learn about weaponry, though I'm a bit skeptical about letting him touch another until he knows more about guns. And another gunsmith, one who boards a flying ship! Incredible. I certainly wish we'd had one for the voyage here. Perhaps I would have been less ill. I still feel a little ill, honestly.

It will pass.

What won't pass is my anger at Winny! Alright.. it probably will, but not yet. She set up a workshop for me while we were at the event. I already owe her so much, and she's adding to it. She's maddening! For a moment we... It felt like old times. She held me, I yelled. It was good. And then reality hit us again. I wish reality would ease away for just a few hours.

It's been a long journey, but finally we've landed at the Tether. It's a different place here; but somehow, I think it suits Sorwyn. She's both a very different person and so much like what I remember. She thinks I won't pay her.. but I'll find a way.

I'm so alone and lost, even with someone that I used to hold dearest in my heart. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling this, or if it will devour me like my dreams about Bellamy.

Oh Bellamy. I wish you could be here with me. If only Jermaine had spared you, I would have swept us both away when I could. I'll never forget the look in your eyes. I love you, too. I know you were trying to say it. I'm so sorry for all I've done since your death. I only hope you can forgive me if it assured my survival.

Rest easy, Bellamy. I know I won't for a very long time.