Posted by Kim on December 8, 2020, 9:00am
It's the Festival of Being Excellent to Each Other, and so, as per tradition, there's a lot of emphasis on kudos right now. But of course, words of affirmation aren't the only way that you can show someone that you care about them.Maybe you've heard about "Love Languages" before; it's a popular idea that describes how many people have a specific go to way of showing their love, and some ways of receiving expressions of love that feel more meaningful to them than others. For example, you might have trouble putting the way that you feel about someone into words, but you always get up early to do the dishes without being asked so that they can start their work day without worrying about the home front. The love languages idea would describe that as someone who prefers to express love through "acts of service."
(If you're curious, you can take a "love language" test here. There's one for partnered people, singles and teens. There's a whole host of self-help books inspired of this idea, many of which miiiiight be shameless cash grabs after the first initial good idea made such a big splash.)
People most commonly talk about Love Languages in the context of romantic relationships. But I think this idea is just as valid for friendships and familial relationships as it is for romances.
Speaking about and acknowledging the ways in which a person matters to you is a wonderful way to show them their important to you. So is doing things to help them out. So is giving them gifts. There's also the gift of quality time, undivided attention and sincere interest in their interests. For some, hugs and cuddles might feel the most meaningful (even if they come in the form of a text *hugs*)
Every person is unique; you may have go-to methods of showing someone that you care about them, but it may just be that that isn't the method of showing care that is most meaningful to them. We're a community with people from around the world; cultural differences and individual differences can lead to big disconnects in communication, even when the underlying message is meant to be I care about you. Try to pay attention to how your friends express themselves, and be sensitive to their comfort levels. For example, while typing *hugs* or *pets* might feel good to you, to others it might feel disrespectful or too forward. If you care about them, this should be an easy adjustment to make, and hopefully they are open to adjusting for your comfort levels too.
This idea can go even further; the ways in which people communicate differently may even be influenced by whether someone is neurodivergent or neurotypical, autistic or allistic. This can lead to very different perspectives and its own sort of cultural mismatches, and can require extra work from both parties to bridge the "culture gap" that might exist between them.
None of these communication styles are objectively better or more effective than one another; but the subjective experience we each have of them can make a world of difference. And knowing the people in your life care enough to figure that out and accommodate you? There's very little that makes a person feel so seen and loved.
Today's FOBETEO exercise: After you get done giving your FOBETEO kudos today, find one non-compliment based way of telling or showing a friend how much they mean to you!