TW: THIS THREAD WILL LIKELY HAVE LOTS OF HARD AND INTENSE EMOTIONS, MENTIONS OF ABUSE ect,.
Woke up today feeling especially sad and moody and realized it's mothers day and.... let's just say I had a toxic, neglectful and overall abusive 'mother' who was really only a mother in the most technical sense who is now dead. Today is a very hard day for me. I've been told 'be grateful you even had a mom' and such. I've been told I need to forgive and let go. I've been told I need to be happy for the people with good moms. I've been told my mother was trying her best and I shouldn't judge; mostly by people who have no idea who she even was.
It hurts. Today hurts. I don't miss my mother, I miss the concept of even having a mother who made me feel loved. I wish I had a real mom. A mom who loved me, and made me feel safe and comfortable.
My mother is a huge part of the reason I never want to be one, even if I know I'm not the same as her. She took years of my life from me and made them miserable, and now I want to focus on me for the rest of my life. Kids simply don't fit into that.
I often wonder who I'd be, what my life would be like, if I'd had a good mother.
*Sighs* That was nice to get off my chest.
Please get anything off your chest that you need to. I'm here for you.
Woke up today feeling especially sad and moody and realized it's mothers day and.... let's just say I had a toxic, neglectful and overall abusive 'mother' who was really only a mother in the most technical sense who is now dead. Today is a very hard day for me. I've been told 'be grateful you even had a mom' and such. I've been told I need to forgive and let go. I've been told I need to be happy for the people with good moms. I've been told my mother was trying her best and I shouldn't judge; mostly by people who have no idea who she even was.
It hurts. Today hurts. I don't miss my mother, I miss the concept of even having a mother who made me feel loved. I wish I had a real mom. A mom who loved me, and made me feel safe and comfortable.
My mother is a huge part of the reason I never want to be one, even if I know I'm not the same as her. She took years of my life from me and made them miserable, and now I want to focus on me for the rest of my life. Kids simply don't fit into that.
I often wonder who I'd be, what my life would be like, if I'd had a good mother.
*Sighs* That was nice to get off my chest.
Please get anything off your chest that you need to. I'm here for you.
One of my housemates has been very slowly working through all the junk his mother put him through, and recently that's involved diving deeper (in part because more recent interpersonal issues stirred up a lot of the old trauma, and to continue to be the sort of person he wants to be, diving into that processing is pretty much his only option). While I know there's very little he'd be bothered by me sharing, I'm still going to skip over most of the details he's shared about her. Instead, some of what it's been like for him:
His mother has also since died, and when she did, he felt a great sense of relief, even though it meant he was suddenly an orphan while legally still a minor. Shortly before she died, her health issues started turning bad enough that she stopped trying to hide most of the crap she put him through, and he felt a lot of validation and anger when others finally started seeing her for what she was (anger because of how long he'd had to just deal with it, and with people thinking he was just a problem kid who exaggerated things). Much of his life has been spent learning how various things he went through are not normal, usually by casually mentioning something only to see everyone around him give him horrified looks. He is aware that he bases his value as a person on how useful he can make himself, and he's working on it. He only recently recognized that he's reasonably physically attractive (he's been told before, but he only recently saw it himself), and continues to be baffled by that fact. He's also been working on bringing more color into his belongings after recently realizing that the dislike of yellow he's had for so long was actually something he picked up from her, the idea that yellow=bad - and disgustingly, part of her issue with the color yellow relates to him being half Chinese from his father.
I know that terrible people do exist, but I am one of the many who still struggles to truly comprehend that fact. All I can really do is remind myself to believe people when they say it was that bad, and to recognize that at least most of them have already been working on coping and processing things as well as they have been able to so far.
As for myself, I fall into a weird area of very much believing that my parents did do the best that they knew how, and simply made a lot of (mostly pretty easy) mistakes that, nonetheless, contributed to a lot of the problems I have now. I'm also aware that a lot of the issues I have with my mom are actually proxies of issues I had with my dad. I dread calls with her or spending time with her, even though most of that time goes fine and she has shown that she will promptly drop a subject if actually asked to (or at least, she did the only time I've managed to actually ask). I feel bad for avoiding her so much since I do know it hurts her... but there's a lot of little things that sting and that I don't really know how to handle, yet; and among the people who actually get fuses in my life, my fuse with her is probably the shortest one I still have, and that also freaks me out.
His mother has also since died, and when she did, he felt a great sense of relief, even though it meant he was suddenly an orphan while legally still a minor. Shortly before she died, her health issues started turning bad enough that she stopped trying to hide most of the crap she put him through, and he felt a lot of validation and anger when others finally started seeing her for what she was (anger because of how long he'd had to just deal with it, and with people thinking he was just a problem kid who exaggerated things). Much of his life has been spent learning how various things he went through are not normal, usually by casually mentioning something only to see everyone around him give him horrified looks. He is aware that he bases his value as a person on how useful he can make himself, and he's working on it. He only recently recognized that he's reasonably physically attractive (he's been told before, but he only recently saw it himself), and continues to be baffled by that fact. He's also been working on bringing more color into his belongings after recently realizing that the dislike of yellow he's had for so long was actually something he picked up from her, the idea that yellow=bad - and disgustingly, part of her issue with the color yellow relates to him being half Chinese from his father.
I know that terrible people do exist, but I am one of the many who still struggles to truly comprehend that fact. All I can really do is remind myself to believe people when they say it was that bad, and to recognize that at least most of them have already been working on coping and processing things as well as they have been able to so far.
As for myself, I fall into a weird area of very much believing that my parents did do the best that they knew how, and simply made a lot of (mostly pretty easy) mistakes that, nonetheless, contributed to a lot of the problems I have now. I'm also aware that a lot of the issues I have with my mom are actually proxies of issues I had with my dad. I dread calls with her or spending time with her, even though most of that time goes fine and she has shown that she will promptly drop a subject if actually asked to (or at least, she did the only time I've managed to actually ask). I feel bad for avoiding her so much since I do know it hurts her... but there's a lot of little things that sting and that I don't really know how to handle, yet; and among the people who actually get fuses in my life, my fuse with her is probably the shortest one I still have, and that also freaks me out.
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