Forums » Smalltalk » AMA: I'm aroace

Ehh... Why not?
I debated for a bit about whether I'd start a topic like this, but here I am. Hi! I'm aroace. For those who don't know what that means, it's short for aromantic asexual. For those who don't know what that means, it means I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction to anybody, regardless of gender, or any other factors. I'm sure I'm not the only one around here, so it might not be the most unique topic I could bring to this event, but I considered some other options and decided this was what I was most comfortable with discussing, and plus, if I had someone I could ask about this in the past, I think I would have figured things out sooner and saved myself some trouble. So maybe I can help someone now.
So, ask away! ^.^

Hello there! I've always wondered this of aro-spec people, but how do you feel about most music seeming to be about falling in love, or romantic heartbreak?

(p.s. your avatar is super cute )

Hmm, well... On a surface level, I find the prevalence of love/breakup songs to be a bit annoying... But on the other hand, I know music is a deeply personal thing, and if writing/performing songs about those topics is what helps people express themselves, and listening to them helps people feel understood, then I think that's far more important than how I feel about it personally. In other words... I don't really like listening to those songs (most of the time. I mean, some are still catchy and enjoyable to listen to even if they don't quite resonate with me), they make me feel a bit weird and isolated... But I'm certainly not going to complain about it much.
Thank you for the question, and for the compliment I love my avatar it makes me very happy

Interesting, thank you! And you're very welcome.

If I have an aroace oc, what are some do's and don't's ? I don't wanna disrespect anyone, and since I'm not part of the LGBT+ community, it would be nice to get some advice!

P.S. I completely understand if people aren't attracted to anyone, for I am not 😅

Well... Not everyone's experience of being aroace is the same, so there's no one right or wrong way to write an OC who's aroace. And if it's not a big part of their character as a whole, it's not really something you need to put too much thought into, just like if the OC was any other orientation. All it really means is that your OC probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship (though some aroace people still do want to, for their own reasons, which I can't speak much on since I don't have that experience.)
I admittedly have quite a few aroace OCs (and some who aren't) and it doesn't really have much of an impact on them except when other characters or situations make it relevant. Some of them don't even know/express that they're aroace, they just are and don't concern themselves with defining that (or don't exist in settings where the label is available) while another OC of mine uses the label and probably has an aroace flag on their wall.
Ultimately, just like with real people, how characters acknowledge, define, and express being aroace and how they feel about romance/relationships as a whole, depends on their personality, outlook, environment, and how much you want that to be part of the story. It's the difference between writing a story about the aroace experience and writing a story about a character who happens to be aroace.
Idk if that was coherent. Basically you probably don't need to worry about it too much. Just write the character how you think feels right for that character and it'll probably be okay. Write them as a character, not as an archetype of their identity. And if you have more specific questions I can certainly try to answer them.

You describe aroace so well, it becomes easy to understand, thanks for that.
I have a question that might be difficult to answer, or it could wake some difficult memories, so please excuse in advance.
I know you are not, I know you to have feelings and remorse, you are not emotionally idling. But, have you been treated as ‘psychopathe’ as you don’t ‘fit’ to ‘normal’ social behavior?

I haven't, but this does happen to some people for sure. However, I also tend to keep quiet about being aroace, especially in real life; it isn't a secret, but it also isn't something I make a point to share, so anyone who is likely to think badly of me because of it simply doesn't know.
I have been told that being asexual is unnatural, that it means something is wrong with me, by certain people, which is part of the reason I'm hesitant to discuss it openly now. I know there's nothing wrong with me but I still don't want to have that conversation with others. I've also just come to understand that it's nobody's business and I don't owe them an explanation. When I was younger I thought it was more important to come out to people, but now I understand that I really don't need to and should only tell people if I actually want to.
Of course, I'm not too worried about anyone here on RPR saying anything bad or intentionally hurtful, so I don't mind discussing it in this post. People here are very nice and accepting... And even if somebody does decide to say something uncalled for, it will be dealt with.
Anyway, thanks for the question :​)

Regarding your characters that aren't considered aroace, do they experience romantic or sexual attraction? If they do, what does it feel like to write that? Do you find it difficult? Boring? Interesting?

I have characters who experience romantic attraction, but I don't focus on that when writing about them. One is in a relationship with the character belonging to a friend of mine, while some others are in relationships with each other (as in, my OCs dating each other instead of other peoples' characters), and some are single. I don't like to write romance; it makes me feel kind of uncomfortable. Even when my characters are in relationships, it's not the focus of the story, just kind of a thing that also happens to be going on.
As for whether or not any of my characters experience sexual attraction... Well, some might, but I don't know; I haven't asked them :> It's none of my business.
I'm extremely uncomfortable with the topic of anything sexual, so even if they do experience that type of attraction, I won't write about them feeling it or acting on it. If I did want to write those things, I imagine it would be difficult for me since I have no real understanding of it... But fortunately I don't want to so there's no need to worry about figuring it out.

I'm sure it's no coincidence that I do feel more connected to my aroace characters and find them easier to write, even if that aroaceness isn't totally relevant to what I'm writing about most of the time.

I appreciate you taking the time to answer my question! While I don't consider myself aroace, I definitely understand the aversion you have to writing anything sexual. Though my reasons are different from yours.

Thank you again!

Ok, cool, thanks!! I just don't want anyone to end up offended by how I portray an aroace character, but that lifts a lot of weight off my shoulders lol. Thanks!!

I dont have too much to ask about. Most of my closest friends are aro/ace to some extent, despite the fact that I am absolutely the opposite of these. It's very sad how the culture deems everything alloromantic/sexual as 'normal', similar to hetero, cis, etc., because I've learnt so much from my aro/ace friends, and I think that everyone should learn as well. How often it's deemed normal to be obsessed with being in a relationship, to the point of severe distress and insecurities, and to the point people destroy their friendships, pick someone who is abusive, or even someone who they don't even like that much, just to avoid being single. This, and also how law and culture often enables all of that.
'Unnatural' is such a weird, nonsensical way to describe something. It makes no sense, it's literally just an insult. If it happens in this world, it's natural. What is 'unnatural' is what we would call 'supernatural' - something impossible, magical, eldritch. If you saw a Cthulhu walking down the street, it would probably mean that the eldritch is natural now, and also probably that the world is ending. Or that mr. Cthu is hungry and going to get groceries

I'm sure that by "unnatural" they mean "no normal human is like this". But I'll gladly pretend they think I'm a strange eldritch creature; that sounds better than normal human anyway. :​3

I MEAN--- It's still kinda the same lol. It's just a different way of saying it, it just feels like they are trying really hard to sound scientific, rather than personal.

OH OH, also, happy (late) ace awareness week!

How did you figure out you were aroace?

I only discovered about a year ago that I fall somewhere on that spectrum (didn't realize it was a thing until I saw a youtuber coming out and explaining it). I very recently realized that I'm aromantic, though I do love a good romance anime, story, and rp.

I always knew I was ace; that part was simple for me. Even before I knew what the word asexual was, I was repulsed by the very idea of sex (I know not all ace people are sex-repulsed, but I certainly am), and I also knew that I didn't feel anything sexual for anybody and never would. (This was when I was quite young, so some would argue that I wasn't old enough to know yet and might change my mind, but I haven't changed yet and I don't suspect that I ever will.) I don't remember when I specifically discovered the word for what I was(n't) experiencing, but it was probably around my early teens.
The aromanticism is something I've only really come to terms with this year, but looking back, it made a lot of sense. I've always had a lot of difficulty distinguishing whether I was feeling platonic or romantic feelings for people; now I understand that they were all platonic (sometimes queerplatonic) and never romantic. I couldn't tell the two apart because I wasn't feeling one of them at all. I've also been in some romantic relationships throughout my life and spent a long time feeling that this was wrong without understanding why. I was uncomfortable and anxious even when my partner wasn't doing anything bad. (I also mistook this discomfort for something related to some trauma I won't get into. Which I'm sure was also part of my problem, but not the whole story.) Back then I was so sure that I felt romantic attraction and wanted to be in a relationship, so I couldn't understand why I was feeling off about it. Now I realize that it wasn't romance I wanted, but a close platonic relationship with lots of hugs. I like hugs And I was just really scared of being alone, and I thought I needed a romantic partner so that I'd have someone who cared about me and wanted to stick around.
I also got really attached to a certain aroace character from a game and became very defensive when people said he wasn't aroace, or when I saw shipping content involving him. I didn't like seeing people erasing his identity and looking back I think this was partially me projecting, like I didn't want my identity to be erased, either, even if I didn't know I was just like the character yet. (But also character is aroace and I will die on this hill LOL... We need representation so it'd be real cool if people stopped trying to take that away.)
...Anyway I guess all that stuff sort of hit me at once? Earlier this year I started thinking about it, putting the pieces together... I had a little crisis for a few months and felt awful about myself... mainly because I was in a romantic relationship at the time and was really scared to tell the person I was dating, but also because it felt like so much of what I'd believed about myself and what I wanted was a lie I'd convinced myself to think was the truth.
But I guess the crisis is mostly over and I'm accepting myself now. Well, it's still sort of a struggle; if anything, I think I'm more scared of being alone now that I know romantic relationships aren't for me. And all my silly wedding plans are out the window unless I find someone who wants to get friend-married... But... Now, looking back, it all feels so obvious... I wonder how I didn't realize sooner that I was aro. But I guess I'm happier overall now that I know.
Sorry, that was sort of long, and not the most well-written thing. But there's the story..

True. Well, I'll settle for being unnatural and eldritchh any day.
And thanks ^.^

No! Don't be sorry. I, too, have a long story with some trauma sprinkled in. I used to dream of a wedding and having kids. I had a long-term boyfriend, and when that ended, I felt empty and tired. Years later, I tried dating again, but anytime someone showed interest, I was out of there. I thought I was having commitment issues after the breakup, so I took a break and then tried again a year later- same result. Then, during some self-reflection, I realized that what I'd felt for my ex was a really strong attachment that stemmed from happiness at finally being seen/wanted. I realized that I never did actually try and learn the deeper aspects of him. I was just happy with what pieces he gave me. I was down for the ride.

Currently, I have a roommate that I don't see going anywhere anytime soon. I've tried to explain to my family that he's not a boyfriend (he was at one point, but we realized we were better as friends). Some of my family gets it or at least pretends to while others are adamant that we're in a relationship. It is what it is, you know?

Thanks so much for sharing! ^^

Thank you for sharing, too. ^.^ 💚 And for reading my rambling haha.
It must be a pain having people insist they know your relationship better than you do... Like, really, what gives them the right? Hope it doesn't get to you too much. And I'm glad you've got that good friendship!