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Clavicus Vile (played anonymously)

"Well what's this, I hear you say? 'Bad Wishes? From dear old Clavicus Vile? Perish the thought."

We're gonna have quite a bit of fun in granting people's wishes, but we're gonna make them backfire by granting the wish in such a way that we can all laugh at the foolishness of whoever made the wish.

And I'm gonna teach you how to do it prop-er-ly.
Ain't that nice?

There ain't many wishes which can be literally interpreted to mean "Turn me blue."
So we have to think cre-a-tive-ly, and interpret any wish bizarrely enough to make the wisher's life a living hell. See, you could just grant the wish as is, but that's boooooring, and we're here to have fun.

So, supposing you're me, and a mortal comes up and says "I wish I could fly?" how could my apprentices interpret it? You could make them fly, but be unable to land, but that's almost uninspired. You could go one further and turn 'em into a bird or a bat, and that's slightly better, or you could have them fly right into the mouth of a dragon and have them be eaten.

It's simple, isn't it?
So I'm gonna start you off nice and simple, and then you can have fun granting wishes of each other as grusomely as possible.

A mortal wishes to be able to speak any language! How do you ruin their wish?
After careful thought, make them be able to speak any language, but make it so that no one can ever hear them talk again! Their mouth will move and their tongue shall flex, but no one can hear them say anything, it's as if they're cursed! And if that isn't good enough, make them forget how to write in their native language! What? They can speak any language! It's not like they'll ever need to write again knowing so many dialects!

A mortal wishes to be supernaturally strong! How do you ruin their wish?
Quite simple, I will make them so strong that they will break everything they touch. You want to hug your child? Ok, you just crushed them to death. You want to shake a man's hand, now you turned their hand into paste. You want to have a mug of milk, you just broke the mug. Want to work on your house, you just made it collapse.

A man wishes for unimaginable wealth. How do you ruin their wish? (Don't use Midas, that's boring.)
Simple! All the wealth anyone could ever want and more has to come from somewhere, right? So take every single cent and valuable thing from every person in the world! Yes, even the president! Yes, even kings, governments and world powers, down to the poor people. But wait? They're starting to revolt, and they're banging on the door of one of your brand new manors in order to arrest you! Well, you can always use your new guards to... Oh wait, you took from them too! Well, you could just give all the money back, or at least pay the guards to save you, right? Nope! Every time you do, all of it falls right back into your lap and earns even more of their ire! What good is unimaginable wealth if you don't get to actually keep it, right? Then again, you can't actually spend it if it keeps falling back in your lap... And you might not live long enough to at least marvel at your ill gotten gains.

So someone wishes to be the most beautiful human in the world and attract all the males and/or females they desire! How do you ruin their wish?
Clavicus Vile (played anonymously) Topic Starter

Easy! You make everyone else blind! Or perhaps you'd want to have fun and make them the most beautiful human in the world. They're now treated like a god, and have their every whim tended to, with constant attention from adoring fans and a heaving mass of public that wants their attention all the time!
But with no time to themselves, or privacy for that matter, and the mortal needs no longer work for their efforts as everything is now given to them straight away with no effort. They'll get so bored with everything being so easy for them now that it'll drive them to tears! And no matter how much wailing and beseeching they do, you don't deal any further with them, so now they'll have such a pitiful existence that they would wish they were dead!

Your responses have thus far been very entertaining! So let's continue;

A Mortal approaches you and wishes that they could cure their poor old mother from an incurable illness, boo-hoo.
How do you ruin their wish, my dear apprentices?

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