Alright, so I don't have a lot of writing experience, but I'm attempting to write up a little story through the eyes of one a new Dark Souls character I generated two days ago. I know my writing is suffering a little due to the fact I'm writing /as/ I'm playing to keep things fresh in my memory and was just wondering if I could get some feedback, spelling errors, grammar, etc.
Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, I'm here to learn and will likely fix anything pointed out! Tips are much appreciated! PMs are welcome.
http://www.rprepository.com/site.php?char=16229
On another note, it's written for those who've seen/played the game, but it's not completely lost or boring to those who haven't, it will just leave more of the describing words to your imagination instead of how the game depicts them.
Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings, I'm here to learn and will likely fix anything pointed out! Tips are much appreciated! PMs are welcome.
http://www.rprepository.com/site.php?char=16229
On another note, it's written for those who've seen/played the game, but it's not completely lost or boring to those who haven't, it will just leave more of the describing words to your imagination instead of how the game depicts them.
I've no knowledge of Dark Souls, but I did find myself reading your little piece the other day when your character popped up on the recent characters list. 
I was caught reading for at least half of it before I got pulled away, but I can tell you that it's intriguing and held my attention.
I'm not the best writer myself, and I understand you wrote this 'as is', but I figure I'll go ahead and point out a few things I stumbled over when I read it.
The phrase 'back when I was once alive' caught me off guard. It seems to imply the character wasn't thinking about what happened back then, but somehow ended up in a weird time/place paradox back when they were actually alive. I think a better way of phrasing it would be 'I was just starting to rid my mind of my past from when I was alive'. The way it's written now had me pause, go back and read it several times to make sense of it, which disrupts the flow of the story quite a bit.
The sentences 'It was a key! The key to my cell? Well, why wouldn't it be?' also threw me off a little. It doesn't flow well either, and I think that's mainly because the first question 'the key to my cell?' seems misplaced. Phrasing it as 'Could it be the key to my cell?' or 'Was it the key to my cell?' reads the sentence as a question from the beginning, so it's not as confusing when you run into the question mark at the end.
Another note on this paragraph is the excessive use of exclamation marks. The character is in quite a dark situation, and while it's evident you're trying to convey their excitement, it's perhaps better done described in words. 'I got excited...' or 'I felt a flicker of hope...' or something along those lines probably portrays that better than exclaiming a narration so often.
Some things in the story disrupt the flow of reading due to an annoying habit that I've grown into as well: excess explanations or words to describe what's going on. Kim wrote a post on this a while back and after reading it, I found myself evaluating myself more often. I probably still do a horrible job at it, but it might help you with your writing as well.
All in all though the story was an enjoyable read, with a handful of technical errors that confused me. I hope this was a little helpful. If not, then just know it was a pretty nice read.
I was caught reading for at least half of it before I got pulled away, but I can tell you that it's intriguing and held my attention.I'm not the best writer myself, and I understand you wrote this 'as is', but I figure I'll go ahead and point out a few things I stumbled over when I read it.
Quote:
I was just starting to rid my mind of my past, back when I was once alive, a faithful Knight to a dying land, when all of a sudden a large thump caught my attention! Somebody had tossed the body of a rightfully dead undead down into my cell from a latch in the ceiling, nearly scared me back to death! I couldn't see the face of the one whom dropped the body, he was obscured by a helmet resembling one I had once worn in life, but I caught the glint of something shining on the body of the true dead. It was a key! The key to my cell? Well, why wouldn't it be? Things were starting to look up... Somebody wanted me to escape this place and escape I would!
The phrase 'back when I was once alive' caught me off guard. It seems to imply the character wasn't thinking about what happened back then, but somehow ended up in a weird time/place paradox back when they were actually alive. I think a better way of phrasing it would be 'I was just starting to rid my mind of my past from when I was alive'. The way it's written now had me pause, go back and read it several times to make sense of it, which disrupts the flow of the story quite a bit.
The sentences 'It was a key! The key to my cell? Well, why wouldn't it be?' also threw me off a little. It doesn't flow well either, and I think that's mainly because the first question 'the key to my cell?' seems misplaced. Phrasing it as 'Could it be the key to my cell?' or 'Was it the key to my cell?' reads the sentence as a question from the beginning, so it's not as confusing when you run into the question mark at the end.
Another note on this paragraph is the excessive use of exclamation marks. The character is in quite a dark situation, and while it's evident you're trying to convey their excitement, it's perhaps better done described in words. 'I got excited...' or 'I felt a flicker of hope...' or something along those lines probably portrays that better than exclaiming a narration so often.
Some things in the story disrupt the flow of reading due to an annoying habit that I've grown into as well: excess explanations or words to describe what's going on. Kim wrote a post on this a while back and after reading it, I found myself evaluating myself more often. I probably still do a horrible job at it, but it might help you with your writing as well.
All in all though the story was an enjoyable read, with a handful of technical errors that confused me. I hope this was a little helpful. If not, then just know it was a pretty nice read.
I certainly wasn't expecting such a quick response, let alone one as thorough as you gave me, Sanne.
The amount of feedback is incredibly helpful and I appreciate every word. I'm going to go through and try to fix a few of the things you mentioned and the link you provided was extra helpful. I know I can use certain phrases a lot when there's little need for them, but they're sort of a habit I formed through role playing; acting as the character instead of writing /about/ the character.
I think what causes me the most problems when working on this is the fact I'm assuming more know the situation and setting through knowledge of the game, like... That first phrase you mention having to go back to read over again, "back when I was once alive" might not distract much from the story through the eyes of someone who knows the base material. I am going to go back and fix it though, as I do want it to be accessible to those who have no earthly idea what Dark Souls is or about.
Thank you very much, Sanne.
The amount of feedback is incredibly helpful and I appreciate every word. I'm going to go through and try to fix a few of the things you mentioned and the link you provided was extra helpful. I know I can use certain phrases a lot when there's little need for them, but they're sort of a habit I formed through role playing; acting as the character instead of writing /about/ the character.
I think what causes me the most problems when working on this is the fact I'm assuming more know the situation and setting through knowledge of the game, like... That first phrase you mention having to go back to read over again, "back when I was once alive" might not distract much from the story through the eyes of someone who knows the base material. I am going to go back and fix it though, as I do want it to be accessible to those who have no earthly idea what Dark Souls is or about.
Thank you very much, Sanne.
Hello hello! I do rather love Dark Souls, and I love to write... So here's my two cents. I'm going to be extremely thorough and picky here, so feel free to ignore anything I say.
This is a pretty messy sentence, it's quite a mouthful. A good trick is to say your sentence out loud - do you feel like you need to take a breath while you're speaking? It's probably too long. I would honestly drop the semi-colon and make this two sentences. In fact I'm going to just that, right now. I'm going to add a little extra in, too. Let's see how it goes:
So we just made the paragraph a little longer, but all the sentences are a little shorter. I've also added a tiny bit of information to get the reader interested: why is he in a cell? Creative writing isn't like essay writing, you don't need to explain yet. You can leave us hanging. I've also begun the thought about despair early. You can do that too, things don't have to be perfectly linear. Feel free to hate this. Me rewriting these bits is not me saying YOU SHOULD DO IT LIKE THIS. It's just an experimentation into the ways things could be different. OKAY, moving on.
The language here is a little awkward, and redundant. The phrase 'madly insane' for example. I'm going to suggest changing it, and I'm also going to suggest moving it. I want you to also consider that the language you're using is very matter of fact, and, I hope you're not offended, rather blocky. What that means is that it doesn't flow very nicely. Let's look at the next sentence first though, before I elaborate. I know I'm skipping around, sorry!
WOAH! This one's a doozy. Waaaaaaay too long. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to outright cut about half of this. Why? Well, because, as I'm sure you know, part of the beauty of the Dark Souls story is that it's delivered in bits and pieces, that leave the player to make connections in order to fill the gaps in the story. A lot of this information really isn't needed. So I'm going to do some SCIENCE real quick, to this section and the one above it. Put on your safety glasses, something might explode...
Yes yes I know, ERR MERR GERRD SENTENCE FRAGMENT! Sometimes it's okay to break the rules, alright? What I've done here is added a little flare to your description. One of the biggest rules of writing is: show, don't tell. I know it's kind of ridiculous, because you kind of HAVE to tell your reader things. But the spirit of the phrase is provide information through example, through action. Not through explanation. You don't need to explain why hollow is an appropriate name because the reader has just been shown why. Trust them to make the connection. So let's put the whole thing together now and see how it reads.
And I'm going to stop here for now. IF you like what I do, then I might continue. If not, no big deal. I hope I helped. Or at the very least, provided you with something to hate. I find that to actually be quite useful, being given something to hate gets me closer to what I want.
Quote:
It had been years since my death, but I was still hanging onto my sanity; unlike the majority of those remaining undead who gathered around the Asylum and took up stations all across the land of the Lords.
This is a pretty messy sentence, it's quite a mouthful. A good trick is to say your sentence out loud - do you feel like you need to take a breath while you're speaking? It's probably too long. I would honestly drop the semi-colon and make this two sentences. In fact I'm going to just that, right now. I'm going to add a little extra in, too. Let's see how it goes:
Quote:
It had been years since my death, but I was still hanging on to my sanity. Caught in a cold cell, it had been difficult to resist giving in to despair, but I managed. Most of the undead who gathered around the Asylum and took up stations all across the land of the Lords were not so resilient.
So we just made the paragraph a little longer, but all the sentences are a little shorter. I've also added a tiny bit of information to get the reader interested: why is he in a cell? Creative writing isn't like essay writing, you don't need to explain yet. You can leave us hanging. I've also begun the thought about despair early. You can do that too, things don't have to be perfectly linear. Feel free to hate this. Me rewriting these bits is not me saying YOU SHOULD DO IT LIKE THIS. It's just an experimentation into the ways things could be different. OKAY, moving on.
Quote:
I've heard that if you start to slip into despair that you'll be enveloped in a red aura, cursed, and driven madly insane!
The language here is a little awkward, and redundant. The phrase 'madly insane' for example. I'm going to suggest changing it, and I'm also going to suggest moving it. I want you to also consider that the language you're using is very matter of fact, and, I hope you're not offended, rather blocky. What that means is that it doesn't flow very nicely. Let's look at the next sentence first though, before I elaborate. I know I'm skipping around, sorry!
Quote:
I recall one of the Asylum Demons speaking about one such happening, but he didn't go into much detail on the matter, only calling the lost undead a 'hollow'; A hollow? I suppose that's as good a name as any, given that other than the rage you're feeling inside you're essentially an empty shell of who you once were.
WOAH! This one's a doozy. Waaaaaaay too long. So here's what we're going to do. We're going to outright cut about half of this. Why? Well, because, as I'm sure you know, part of the beauty of the Dark Souls story is that it's delivered in bits and pieces, that leave the player to make connections in order to fill the gaps in the story. A lot of this information really isn't needed. So I'm going to do some SCIENCE real quick, to this section and the one above it. Put on your safety glasses, something might explode...
Quote:
I remember hearing an Asylum Demon talk about what the curse of despair did to an undead. More convincingly I had heard the insane screaming and growling echo the asylum halls, and seen the eerie red glow of the lost. All around me were reminders of what I might become. The demon had called them Hollows. It's an appropriate name.
Yes yes I know, ERR MERR GERRD SENTENCE FRAGMENT! Sometimes it's okay to break the rules, alright? What I've done here is added a little flare to your description. One of the biggest rules of writing is: show, don't tell. I know it's kind of ridiculous, because you kind of HAVE to tell your reader things. But the spirit of the phrase is provide information through example, through action. Not through explanation. You don't need to explain why hollow is an appropriate name because the reader has just been shown why. Trust them to make the connection. So let's put the whole thing together now and see how it reads.
Quote:
It had been years since my death, but I was still hanging on to my sanity. Caught in a cold cell, it had been difficult to resist giving in to despair, but I managed. Most of the undead who gathered around the Asylum and took up stations all across the land of the Lords were not so resilient. I remember hearing an Asylum Demon talking about what the curse of despair did to an undead. More convincingly I had heard the insane screaming and growling echo the asylum halls, and seen the eerie red glow of the lost. All around me were reminders of what I might become. The demon had called them Hollows. I thought it an appropriate name.
And I'm going to stop here for now. IF you like what I do, then I might continue. If not, no big deal. I hope I helped. Or at the very least, provided you with something to hate. I find that to actually be quite useful, being given something to hate gets me closer to what I want.
First off, I would like to thank you for putting that much effort into fixing a small portion of what was written. I'm hoping I can go through and edit this when I have the time using what you've displayed here and see how it measures up!
I will say that this /is/ being written mostly as a journal. The reason I didn't really say he had heard or seen any of the 'hollows' is because I'm writing it as I play and there were none in the first go through of the Asylum, if that helps at all. The character involved won't be crystal clear on every detail happening around him, as it's suppose to be written after the events take place. You can think of it as mostly dialogue, but I would like it to flow better! Again, don't worry about offending me, I'll take any help I can get.
I will say that this /is/ being written mostly as a journal. The reason I didn't really say he had heard or seen any of the 'hollows' is because I'm writing it as I play and there were none in the first go through of the Asylum, if that helps at all. The character involved won't be crystal clear on every detail happening around him, as it's suppose to be written after the events take place. You can think of it as mostly dialogue, but I would like it to flow better! Again, don't worry about offending me, I'll take any help I can get.
Ah yes... I'd forgotten that you only really meet passive undead right off the bat. I would consider taking a little dramatic license for the sake of well, dramatics. Obviously he's been in the cell for a while, you never know what he might have heard or seen 
Mm, I could do that. I mean, I'm already going to have to tinker around with the constant 'human' 'undead' switches throughout the game to make it a little more sensible. I think it'll be amusing when I get to the point of meeting insane half-naked Big Hat Logan's hollow.
Yeah, you're going to have to do some smudging. May as well start now!
I think Ben has got this down much better than I can ever hope to. Awesome post Ben. 
That even helped ME a little!
Awesome post Ben. That even helped ME a little!
Haha, thanks Sanne You had some great stuff to say too, and that link was interesting. In a little while I'll take another paragraph and go through the process again. I may not go in order, instead I'll probably find a paragraph that could be improved using different principles.
You had some great stuff to say too, and that link was interesting. In a little while I'll take another paragraph and go through the process again. I may not go in order, instead I'll probably find a paragraph that could be improved using different principles.
Wow, this thread is chock full of great advice.
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