You know the ones I mean, the kind that no one else has any real value to them but you?
Yeah... sad to say I don't get to enjoy even those anymore really. Born and raised in a small town in Germany, things already took a turn south for me as a 4-5 year old when first interacting with other kids that age in kindergarden.
"Go away, nobody likes you."
First words spoken to me right from the start outside my family. Should've known really back then that it already spoke value of my life. I was the outcast from the very start without actually going anything other than trying to say 'hi', even the carers there weren't really that brilliant to me for not knowing words or forgetting their names when trying to address them. I mean, no one else really got the humiliating treatment of being called out to the rest of the kids and making a big scene of it because I couldn't remember a name. While any other kid got away with it just fine. No friends made, no chance of fun. I was just there then drawing by myself.
School life at its most classic, getting into primary school being no different. Being the small quiet kid, was again mat with the instant treatment of which at the time I felt like if there was some form of meeting that happened and everyone just decided I was a chosen target. So really I was that good old school kid bully victim that, no matter where I went and no matter what I did, I didn't go a day without some bruise on me. Almost. Even back then no conversation was accessible for me, much like today, nothing I said was ever listened to. Or just interrupted like always. I only wanted some friends, just to enjoy the time there with others and maybe play some games. I should've known then that I was going to grow up invisible. Unless of course it was to be harmed or put down by the teachers because I wasn't one of those 'gifted' kids. No kidding, the teachers there actually tried to put me into a special needs school. Even when left alone I managed to get laughed at so by the end of most days, I was just there drawing by myself.
Secondary school, I think was around the time I lost most of myself. Numb, actually. I don't know why, even today, but that was a time that cost me my dad and... realising it... I died inside too. I was given more attention by others around me, though not quite in a way that meant anything good. I'm not intelligent in any way, nor any good with words, but getting yelled at from a grieving uncle asking why my dad did what he did without and answer to give. I just don't know. There isn't much else to really talk about it on here, but aside from that, I became that heartless child that wanted to draw.
Secondary school in england, well, that was just a history lesson on a daily basis. There I could mind my own business even less and it was around there where I couldn't have my own wants in life. Being on everyone's radar, there was virtually nothing I could do during school times without some confrontation at all, not even just walk around school grounds by myself and not bother anyone. Eventually ending up getting tippex thrown at me form a random group of people, for no form of challenging or even knowing them. I just have that thrown on me. And thanks to my action of not confronting them over it, or even as much as shout at them with a 'good talking to', it was deemed by my parents I should walk the hour walk to school from then on. Because I wasn't 'man' enough. A little 14 or so weak and skinny kid expecting to go against a group of older, stronger kids. I started wanting to draw less.
Collage time? Mmh, not really much to say there. Aside from my Mom getting cancer and having a year long bully in class having a go at me for not reacting to his insults being the highlight of the 2 years, I did get given some counselling there. It was the first time outside my family that I felt like I was generally praised for my desire to draw.
I was in University for a little under a year. Things took a turn for the worse again at the loss of a good friend that I lived with after moving out of my parents home. He wasn't my first proper friend, but he was one I could've helped at the time of need by the end of that year, but ended up failing him for having decided to go visit my parents instead for a short time. During which he took his own life. Soon after everyone else moved out from there, left confused and depressed, I stayed alone with the promise to be moved into a new home soon. That new home ended up being the streets without any chance of getting anywhere or to possibly retry with uni with a different course. Of course because of my circumstances I was denied and I was left to wonder the city by myself just wanting to find a place to rest. Permanently if possible. Though I eventually ended up getting supported lodgings for 2 years, with some redeeming drive to draw, I still ended up loosing the rest of my family, a step dad and a Mother, one after another withing 6 months. Mom finally passed 2 days after my birthday, giving me a short boost to want to keep her promise that I'd still draw.
Coming up to today, it never came to be. I lost the drive to draw knowing I can't make anything of it. I'm too worn out now, too kind to stop people take advantage of me and another friend to practically live off of my inheritance money that I hoped to have used to life long enough to make something of my drawings and earn a bit of a living from that. Boost my morale and what have you. I failed though, and even now, I can't have the little things in life. I apologise to anyone reading this and how odd this might seem, I'm just incredibly sad right now at how this ended up the way they did. To try and cling onto anything possible that made staying up at night or just coming back home something to look forward to, anything, even the smaller things that others find useless. And yet, even then it ends up being impossible when surrounded by people waiting to crush it, to which they end up being the ones to wonder why people are just so miserable. I just wanted to throw out a piece of what my life was like just wanting to get on with it. I just wanted to have fun in my down time because little pep talks from counsellors and/or therapies don't cut it, especially not with people working to bring others down more and denying every attempt to do the small things in life that makes someone happy.
And I'm truly sorry for anyone else who feels the same way with their lives.
I just...
...I just wanted to draw in life. Instead I got all this.
Sorry again about this post.
Yeah... sad to say I don't get to enjoy even those anymore really. Born and raised in a small town in Germany, things already took a turn south for me as a 4-5 year old when first interacting with other kids that age in kindergarden.
"Go away, nobody likes you."
First words spoken to me right from the start outside my family. Should've known really back then that it already spoke value of my life. I was the outcast from the very start without actually going anything other than trying to say 'hi', even the carers there weren't really that brilliant to me for not knowing words or forgetting their names when trying to address them. I mean, no one else really got the humiliating treatment of being called out to the rest of the kids and making a big scene of it because I couldn't remember a name. While any other kid got away with it just fine. No friends made, no chance of fun. I was just there then drawing by myself.
School life at its most classic, getting into primary school being no different. Being the small quiet kid, was again mat with the instant treatment of which at the time I felt like if there was some form of meeting that happened and everyone just decided I was a chosen target. So really I was that good old school kid bully victim that, no matter where I went and no matter what I did, I didn't go a day without some bruise on me. Almost. Even back then no conversation was accessible for me, much like today, nothing I said was ever listened to. Or just interrupted like always. I only wanted some friends, just to enjoy the time there with others and maybe play some games. I should've known then that I was going to grow up invisible. Unless of course it was to be harmed or put down by the teachers because I wasn't one of those 'gifted' kids. No kidding, the teachers there actually tried to put me into a special needs school. Even when left alone I managed to get laughed at so by the end of most days, I was just there drawing by myself.
Secondary school, I think was around the time I lost most of myself. Numb, actually. I don't know why, even today, but that was a time that cost me my dad and... realising it... I died inside too. I was given more attention by others around me, though not quite in a way that meant anything good. I'm not intelligent in any way, nor any good with words, but getting yelled at from a grieving uncle asking why my dad did what he did without and answer to give. I just don't know. There isn't much else to really talk about it on here, but aside from that, I became that heartless child that wanted to draw.
Secondary school in england, well, that was just a history lesson on a daily basis. There I could mind my own business even less and it was around there where I couldn't have my own wants in life. Being on everyone's radar, there was virtually nothing I could do during school times without some confrontation at all, not even just walk around school grounds by myself and not bother anyone. Eventually ending up getting tippex thrown at me form a random group of people, for no form of challenging or even knowing them. I just have that thrown on me. And thanks to my action of not confronting them over it, or even as much as shout at them with a 'good talking to', it was deemed by my parents I should walk the hour walk to school from then on. Because I wasn't 'man' enough. A little 14 or so weak and skinny kid expecting to go against a group of older, stronger kids. I started wanting to draw less.
Collage time? Mmh, not really much to say there. Aside from my Mom getting cancer and having a year long bully in class having a go at me for not reacting to his insults being the highlight of the 2 years, I did get given some counselling there. It was the first time outside my family that I felt like I was generally praised for my desire to draw.
I was in University for a little under a year. Things took a turn for the worse again at the loss of a good friend that I lived with after moving out of my parents home. He wasn't my first proper friend, but he was one I could've helped at the time of need by the end of that year, but ended up failing him for having decided to go visit my parents instead for a short time. During which he took his own life. Soon after everyone else moved out from there, left confused and depressed, I stayed alone with the promise to be moved into a new home soon. That new home ended up being the streets without any chance of getting anywhere or to possibly retry with uni with a different course. Of course because of my circumstances I was denied and I was left to wonder the city by myself just wanting to find a place to rest. Permanently if possible. Though I eventually ended up getting supported lodgings for 2 years, with some redeeming drive to draw, I still ended up loosing the rest of my family, a step dad and a Mother, one after another withing 6 months. Mom finally passed 2 days after my birthday, giving me a short boost to want to keep her promise that I'd still draw.
Coming up to today, it never came to be. I lost the drive to draw knowing I can't make anything of it. I'm too worn out now, too kind to stop people take advantage of me and another friend to practically live off of my inheritance money that I hoped to have used to life long enough to make something of my drawings and earn a bit of a living from that. Boost my morale and what have you. I failed though, and even now, I can't have the little things in life. I apologise to anyone reading this and how odd this might seem, I'm just incredibly sad right now at how this ended up the way they did. To try and cling onto anything possible that made staying up at night or just coming back home something to look forward to, anything, even the smaller things that others find useless. And yet, even then it ends up being impossible when surrounded by people waiting to crush it, to which they end up being the ones to wonder why people are just so miserable. I just wanted to throw out a piece of what my life was like just wanting to get on with it. I just wanted to have fun in my down time because little pep talks from counsellors and/or therapies don't cut it, especially not with people working to bring others down more and denying every attempt to do the small things in life that makes someone happy.
And I'm truly sorry for anyone else who feels the same way with their lives.
I just...
...I just wanted to draw in life. Instead I got all this.
Sorry again about this post.
ok i'm sorry...
Can't listen if we don't hear you. I'm glad you said something; it'll just take a little time to read is all.
Edit - 12:24 PM EST
I’d like to say that you write very well, and you gave me a lot to think about with this post. It feels like those who go through similar hardships tend to become more genuine friends themselves. Knowing the amount of work that goes into a drawing, I would feel morally obligated to pay a friend so that it didn’t feel like I was taking advantage of their time and skill. People who consider your feelings (more than how they can profit from you) are hard to find, and it can be very discouraging if you never seem to meet them, but they are out there. As for the loss of loved ones, there’s nothing I feel like I can say. Only that I know what it feels like to lose those people, and hope to give enough time to those who are still with me.
Personally, I wish more people would share their feelings like you have, but much of the world teaches us not to because of the risk of unwarranted criticisms, or some other form of social retaliation. It’s especially hard to see a sense of value in life with such a history of cruel treatment, but the meaning of “value” (to me) seems so very abstract at the same time, but it’s not my place to discuss the metaphysical here on the RPR forum.
It’s sad to hear that the world may not have another artist. Creative pursuits possess outstanding potential in introducing new and innovative ideas when they are successfully integrated into the world. Drawing in particular seems to be a difficult field to go into, as there are a fair share of talented artists who simply do not have the fan base required to create a profitable demand from drawing alone. There are certainly other outlets though, like teaching, engineering, architecture, or animation. I’d like to see your interest stay alive because I love art, and I love how it can be used to inspire others, but I also understand that it is your choice to decide what is best for you in life. Nobody can rightfully criticize you for that.
Best wishes to you!
Edit - 12:24 PM EST
I’d like to say that you write very well, and you gave me a lot to think about with this post. It feels like those who go through similar hardships tend to become more genuine friends themselves. Knowing the amount of work that goes into a drawing, I would feel morally obligated to pay a friend so that it didn’t feel like I was taking advantage of their time and skill. People who consider your feelings (more than how they can profit from you) are hard to find, and it can be very discouraging if you never seem to meet them, but they are out there. As for the loss of loved ones, there’s nothing I feel like I can say. Only that I know what it feels like to lose those people, and hope to give enough time to those who are still with me.
Personally, I wish more people would share their feelings like you have, but much of the world teaches us not to because of the risk of unwarranted criticisms, or some other form of social retaliation. It’s especially hard to see a sense of value in life with such a history of cruel treatment, but the meaning of “value” (to me) seems so very abstract at the same time, but it’s not my place to discuss the metaphysical here on the RPR forum.
It’s sad to hear that the world may not have another artist. Creative pursuits possess outstanding potential in introducing new and innovative ideas when they are successfully integrated into the world. Drawing in particular seems to be a difficult field to go into, as there are a fair share of talented artists who simply do not have the fan base required to create a profitable demand from drawing alone. There are certainly other outlets though, like teaching, engineering, architecture, or animation. I’d like to see your interest stay alive because I love art, and I love how it can be used to inspire others, but I also understand that it is your choice to decide what is best for you in life. Nobody can rightfully criticize you for that.
Best wishes to you!
Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry you're feeling this way.
*hugs*
You might want to look into joining the group called Here For You on here, if you haven't. You can look at previous posts and get the idea. It's a great place for encouragement.
You've had a lot of bad things happen in your life. I can absolutely relate to being the lonely kid in school that sits by himself to draw...it was like that for me too (except reading was my solitary activity of choice instead of drawing). I didn't get physically bullied, but the isolation, I understand.
Although I am not a mental health professional, it sounds like you might have depression. Have you ever been checked out for that? SSRIs (such as Zoloft), have helped me a lot.
I believe depression makes your mind string together all the bad things that happen in your life into a narrative that makes you convinced that you're "destined" to have that kind of life. And then you only see the bad stuff that happens that fits that narrative, because you've already got that narrative in your head.
It's unbelievable how much brain chemistry can contribute to that tendency to see bad, scary, overwhelming, intimidating things everywhere or (in the case of healthy brain chemistry) the tendency to see good, safe, managable, opportunities everywhere.
When you're not depressed, it's easier to see the good that's all around you. You can be grateful for friends, people and advantages that you never saw there before. Its not perfect, but the difference is noticable.
I would say to you that, no, you're NOT destined to live a life like this. It's not your destiny. It's not your luck. It's your destiny to be happy. Luck is something you make. The past doesn't always determine the future. The future is open, an exciting opportunity. I know it's cliche, but it's true what they say: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." You could do anything, be anything, starting today. The rest of your life is yours. The past doesn't have any say in what you do with your future. I believe in you, and I believe you can be happy in the future.
Now, this kind of stuff is not how I feel everyday. I get depressed too, despite meds. There are days when I don't want to get about of bed. But once I finally do, and rejoin the world, I often find that the more I active I am, the easier and more helpful activity becomes. It's like jumping on a wave, and then the wave carries you the rest of the way. And I know you can take steps -- even small steps -- forward toward the life you want. At least you know the life you want, and that's half the work. Now all you have to do is keep taking steps that move you in that direction.
Have you ever read the book called The Secret? It's a good book. I recommend it. Also a book called Man's Search For Meaning. The idea behind The Secret is "like attracts like."
As for having trouble setting boundaries with people...people living off of your inheritance, I feel you, it's hard for me to set boundaries too. Especially when you have low self esteem, because anyone that treats you like something, or is just willing to give attention, it's hard to say no to. Because, like some people say, we need attention and company as much as we need food or water. The trick is finding some one, or group, or organization, or support group where one can get the social needs met. Then you can feel secure enough to draw the line in the sand with the people taking advantage of you, perhaps. Because then you have other people to turn to (whether it be a support group, a church if religious, a hobby like a sports team where people become friends, AA, NA, a book club, or an organization like the Red Cross or Goodwill that you volunteer for to meet new people. I think support groups are some of the best options and some are probably free.
Also getting an objective third party's opinion when you feel like someone is taking advantage of you might be a good idea, because feelings can skew our perceptions sometimes. And then maybe that objective third party can help you negotiate boundaries with those other people. It seems like you have a tendency to think that everybody is trying to cut you down and take advantage of you, and that that's what happened all throughout your life. I would suggest that maybe there is a perception like that, but that there are good people out there and you're not automatically destined to always be treated that way. Either you need to get around better people, or maybe there were people around you that we're sincere and helpful that you aren't thinking of now, because of how you're feeling down and it changes what we remember and pay attention to. The bottom line is: you are meant to be happy, treated well, and meant to use your talents to help other people (which I sure your drawing does or can, because art is so important for our world, especially when math and science are put on a golden pedestal and art is neglected somewhat by society). Art brings people joy, and helps them know themselves, and empathize, and imagine, and have compassion...so we need artists like you. Never stop drawing. And share your stuff with others if you want, even if you can't sell it. Get into a community of artists. If drawing is what brings you joy, do it. And share it. Don't let anything stop you.
Much love,
- Abigail
*hugs*
You might want to look into joining the group called Here For You on here, if you haven't. You can look at previous posts and get the idea. It's a great place for encouragement.
You've had a lot of bad things happen in your life. I can absolutely relate to being the lonely kid in school that sits by himself to draw...it was like that for me too (except reading was my solitary activity of choice instead of drawing). I didn't get physically bullied, but the isolation, I understand.
Although I am not a mental health professional, it sounds like you might have depression. Have you ever been checked out for that? SSRIs (such as Zoloft), have helped me a lot.
I believe depression makes your mind string together all the bad things that happen in your life into a narrative that makes you convinced that you're "destined" to have that kind of life. And then you only see the bad stuff that happens that fits that narrative, because you've already got that narrative in your head.
It's unbelievable how much brain chemistry can contribute to that tendency to see bad, scary, overwhelming, intimidating things everywhere or (in the case of healthy brain chemistry) the tendency to see good, safe, managable, opportunities everywhere.
When you're not depressed, it's easier to see the good that's all around you. You can be grateful for friends, people and advantages that you never saw there before. Its not perfect, but the difference is noticable.
I would say to you that, no, you're NOT destined to live a life like this. It's not your destiny. It's not your luck. It's your destiny to be happy. Luck is something you make. The past doesn't always determine the future. The future is open, an exciting opportunity. I know it's cliche, but it's true what they say: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." You could do anything, be anything, starting today. The rest of your life is yours. The past doesn't have any say in what you do with your future. I believe in you, and I believe you can be happy in the future.
Now, this kind of stuff is not how I feel everyday. I get depressed too, despite meds. There are days when I don't want to get about of bed. But once I finally do, and rejoin the world, I often find that the more I active I am, the easier and more helpful activity becomes. It's like jumping on a wave, and then the wave carries you the rest of the way. And I know you can take steps -- even small steps -- forward toward the life you want. At least you know the life you want, and that's half the work. Now all you have to do is keep taking steps that move you in that direction.
Have you ever read the book called The Secret? It's a good book. I recommend it. Also a book called Man's Search For Meaning. The idea behind The Secret is "like attracts like."
As for having trouble setting boundaries with people...people living off of your inheritance, I feel you, it's hard for me to set boundaries too. Especially when you have low self esteem, because anyone that treats you like something, or is just willing to give attention, it's hard to say no to. Because, like some people say, we need attention and company as much as we need food or water. The trick is finding some one, or group, or organization, or support group where one can get the social needs met. Then you can feel secure enough to draw the line in the sand with the people taking advantage of you, perhaps. Because then you have other people to turn to (whether it be a support group, a church if religious, a hobby like a sports team where people become friends, AA, NA, a book club, or an organization like the Red Cross or Goodwill that you volunteer for to meet new people. I think support groups are some of the best options and some are probably free.
Also getting an objective third party's opinion when you feel like someone is taking advantage of you might be a good idea, because feelings can skew our perceptions sometimes. And then maybe that objective third party can help you negotiate boundaries with those other people. It seems like you have a tendency to think that everybody is trying to cut you down and take advantage of you, and that that's what happened all throughout your life. I would suggest that maybe there is a perception like that, but that there are good people out there and you're not automatically destined to always be treated that way. Either you need to get around better people, or maybe there were people around you that we're sincere and helpful that you aren't thinking of now, because of how you're feeling down and it changes what we remember and pay attention to. The bottom line is: you are meant to be happy, treated well, and meant to use your talents to help other people (which I sure your drawing does or can, because art is so important for our world, especially when math and science are put on a golden pedestal and art is neglected somewhat by society). Art brings people joy, and helps them know themselves, and empathize, and imagine, and have compassion...so we need artists like you. Never stop drawing. And share your stuff with others if you want, even if you can't sell it. Get into a community of artists. If drawing is what brings you joy, do it. And share it. Don't let anything stop you.
Much love,
- Abigail
What kind of things do you draw? Landscapes, anime, characters, or what?
Take care.
Take care.
Thanks to you two for not shouting at me.
Sorry if this is a bit of a half-asses appreciation, as much as you two say I'm good at writing/with words I'm actually not as good at it. What with words not normally being my main form of expression.
Sorry.
And what do I draw?
https://www.deviantart.com/7th-derp/art/Re-upload-754253603
https://www.deviantart.com/7th-derp/art/Re-upload-2-754254106
Mostly this. Used to have more but got rid of them all, everything else of on paper that I'm unable to put onto computer. Did some landscape too which... turned out that they were 'too good' it had people leave the weekly art group I went to...
Sorry if this is a bit of a half-asses appreciation, as much as you two say I'm good at writing/with words I'm actually not as good at it. What with words not normally being my main form of expression.
Sorry.
And what do I draw?
https://www.deviantart.com/7th-derp/art/Re-upload-754253603
https://www.deviantart.com/7th-derp/art/Re-upload-2-754254106
Mostly this. Used to have more but got rid of them all, everything else of on paper that I'm unable to put onto computer. Did some landscape too which... turned out that they were 'too good' it had people leave the weekly art group I went to...
Cool. I especially like the green eyed girl.
they both have green(ish) eyes...
Well this just in...
Apparently feeling sad and depressed has to mean 'angry' and 'lashing' out when expressing ones sad excuse of a life. And in doing so getting entirely ignored and glossed over like it mattes absolutely nothing that I'm simply trying my best to enjoy the absolute tiniest of things in like before my very limited time is up.
According to most, I'm gonna have to just shout out how much sunshine and rainbows my life is. Because it's all just fine.
FINE!
Hear that? Life is great here! Love it! It's the best!
I'm out.
Apparently feeling sad and depressed has to mean 'angry' and 'lashing' out when expressing ones sad excuse of a life. And in doing so getting entirely ignored and glossed over like it mattes absolutely nothing that I'm simply trying my best to enjoy the absolute tiniest of things in like before my very limited time is up.
According to most, I'm gonna have to just shout out how much sunshine and rainbows my life is. Because it's all just fine.
FINE!
Hear that? Life is great here! Love it! It's the best!
I'm out.
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