These sort of things are easier to type out, it seems, than to actually say them out loud. Besides, currently there aren't a lot of people in my IRL life who have responded very well to this. I mean, I can only cry so much before it "gets old", right?
A friend of mine passed away a day and a half ago, or maybe two days. It's hard to remember right now, I've been awake since the day it happened so my brain is a little scattered. He was a good friend, one I met when I was 12. When I met him I was in a bad place in life (aren't I always?) and we stayed up all night that first night talking about...everything. Dreams. Nightmares. Family. Friends. Anime. Comics. Writing. We talked about...everything. He was a little older so I sort of saw him as wiser, more mature. It was like the second we met we both felt this...connection. He talked me through panic attacks, helped me cope with self harm and helped me deal with hallucinations I was having. He was just...a really kind hearted, loving guy. He always had something nice to say about people. He always had something nice to say about me even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I was a mean and stupid and childish.
He had poor health. A simple cold was devastating to his body. I would visit him in the hospital from time to time and he always had a smile on his face despite being in pain, despite going through so much trauma and sadness himself. He brought light to everyone he talked to.
We drifted away a bit over the last two years because life gets crazy and we lived farther apart than before. I feel really guilty about it despite the fact that...it happens. And we still talked! We always still talked, whenever we could. He geeked out about fandom stuff. He vented to me about his issues with an abusive relationship. Despite the distance we still felt...close. He was one of those rare people I knew I'd always love no matter what. I mean Gods, we almost dated several times because we loved each other. But the timing was never quite right. My life would fall apart or he would say he didn't want his poor health to affect me if we dated. We stayed good friends and I was happy about that, always. I truly believe I was meant to meet him and was meant to experience feeling what it feels like to be loved by him. I believe we meet everyone in our lives for a reason...and he showed me a great kindness when I needed it the most.
...But now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I've had people die before. Family members. But every time it happens I ache and I'm aching so much right now. I couldn't go to work today, I was in hysterics on the phone with my boss and it just...puzzled me. I didn't cry when I first found out he died, but today it seemed to hit hard and I haven't really stopped crying since this morning. I'm fine one second and then the next I just...start sobbing.
What does one do when they're grieving? Each time I dealt with death I shut down. I cried once or twice, and then shut down. But this time I can't stop and I don't know what to do to function normally anymore which sounds absurd because when do I ever know how to function? There are some other things making my mental health really bad right now, of course. Very serious things. But this was like...the icing on the break down cake, I guess.
Any tips...? I hate stewing in my own feelings and thoughts.
I want to feel like a person again.
A friend of mine passed away a day and a half ago, or maybe two days. It's hard to remember right now, I've been awake since the day it happened so my brain is a little scattered. He was a good friend, one I met when I was 12. When I met him I was in a bad place in life (aren't I always?) and we stayed up all night that first night talking about...everything. Dreams. Nightmares. Family. Friends. Anime. Comics. Writing. We talked about...everything. He was a little older so I sort of saw him as wiser, more mature. It was like the second we met we both felt this...connection. He talked me through panic attacks, helped me cope with self harm and helped me deal with hallucinations I was having. He was just...a really kind hearted, loving guy. He always had something nice to say about people. He always had something nice to say about me even when I didn't deserve it. Even when I was a mean and stupid and childish.
He had poor health. A simple cold was devastating to his body. I would visit him in the hospital from time to time and he always had a smile on his face despite being in pain, despite going through so much trauma and sadness himself. He brought light to everyone he talked to.
We drifted away a bit over the last two years because life gets crazy and we lived farther apart than before. I feel really guilty about it despite the fact that...it happens. And we still talked! We always still talked, whenever we could. He geeked out about fandom stuff. He vented to me about his issues with an abusive relationship. Despite the distance we still felt...close. He was one of those rare people I knew I'd always love no matter what. I mean Gods, we almost dated several times because we loved each other. But the timing was never quite right. My life would fall apart or he would say he didn't want his poor health to affect me if we dated. We stayed good friends and I was happy about that, always. I truly believe I was meant to meet him and was meant to experience feeling what it feels like to be loved by him. I believe we meet everyone in our lives for a reason...and he showed me a great kindness when I needed it the most.
...But now he's gone and I don't know what to do. I've had people die before. Family members. But every time it happens I ache and I'm aching so much right now. I couldn't go to work today, I was in hysterics on the phone with my boss and it just...puzzled me. I didn't cry when I first found out he died, but today it seemed to hit hard and I haven't really stopped crying since this morning. I'm fine one second and then the next I just...start sobbing.
What does one do when they're grieving? Each time I dealt with death I shut down. I cried once or twice, and then shut down. But this time I can't stop and I don't know what to do to function normally anymore which sounds absurd because when do I ever know how to function? There are some other things making my mental health really bad right now, of course. Very serious things. But this was like...the icing on the break down cake, I guess.
Any tips...? I hate stewing in my own feelings and thoughts.
I want to feel like a person again.
I can't imagine what you're going through, but you know you have so many friends on here you can talk to, including me. All I can really say is that it's okay to feel like you're falling apart. You don't have to be okay right now or even anytime soon. Being a mess is okay sometimes. Let it out. The fact that you grew apart a bit doesn't mean you were any less close. You have no reason to feel guilty. I imagine you brought him just as much happiness as he did you. Think about what he would want for you now and try to honor that.
It won't be easy but you're not alone. We may not physically be with you but you know there are so many of us who care about you.
It won't be easy but you're not alone. We may not physically be with you but you know there are so many of us who care about you.
Everyone reacts to these things differently. So you didn't cry the first time you found out he passed, that doesn't make you a horrible person. Sometimes people can be slow to react to these things. I know I made it through two phone calls the same day when my mom died, one call of course was from my aunt to say my mom passed, and on the third call when I left voice mail I cracked and cried. There were times I cried out of the blue, there were times I'd go a day or two without crying, then suddenly I was randomly bawling my eyes out.
Little things I remember concerning my mom, would trigger my tears at times. I used to sing and I felt bad that I didn't sing more for her. Especially when she was dying. I kept thinking: Maybe it would have helped her feel better. But I didn't think about that.
Sometimes you don't think straight, or properly, because of the fact that these things take a toll on you. Especially if like me, you were going through this alone in rl. From the time my mom was admitted into the hospital, till the day my aunt picked me up to go to the airport, I was physically alone. And it really messed me up and made me question if certain family cared about me.
But how I managed to get by, and how I still do, is I looked to my online friends. I sadly didn't save this photo from my Facebook memories, but the gist of it was this: Don't let anyone tell you that those you know online aren't real friends. Because most of the time your online friends see and know more about you than people in rl. They virtually wipe away your tears, they virtually hug you, they support you when most likely others (those in rl) do not.
Now I'm not saying nor implying you don't have rl friends who wouldn't care, or say that online friends aren't real friends just because they aren't with you in rl. My reasoning for bringing it up, is to say: All your friends who love you, support you, they matter no matter where they are.
I have many online friends I look to. One of them has stuck with me for years, you know who she is, and literally she's seen me be vulnerable in more ways than one. She's been a soild rock for me when I've needed it, and I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her or the others I look to. Especially because they got me through the hard part of my mom's passing.
Don't force yourself to talk to others if your not ready. But know that there are those who are willing to listen to you and support you how they can. Distance sucks yes, but in the long run online friends are great to have around.
Try also listening to some instrumental music, especially calming ones. Look up on YouTube: Adrian von Ziegler, BrunuhVille, Danheim, and Antti Martikainen as examples. I got so lost in their music, it helped me to calm down.
As Ash mentioned, it's going to take time. Don't let anyone rush you, or tell you to get over it. You heal in your own time, as I myself am trying to do. You are loved and important Sky-San. Please don't ever feel like you are a bother or a burden to any of us, who want to help you how we can. I'm here for you too. You don't feel like talking? That's cool. I'll still check in with you now and then, with cute and or funny gif's. I know those usually make you smile.
Little things I remember concerning my mom, would trigger my tears at times. I used to sing and I felt bad that I didn't sing more for her. Especially when she was dying. I kept thinking: Maybe it would have helped her feel better. But I didn't think about that.
Sometimes you don't think straight, or properly, because of the fact that these things take a toll on you. Especially if like me, you were going through this alone in rl. From the time my mom was admitted into the hospital, till the day my aunt picked me up to go to the airport, I was physically alone. And it really messed me up and made me question if certain family cared about me.
But how I managed to get by, and how I still do, is I looked to my online friends. I sadly didn't save this photo from my Facebook memories, but the gist of it was this: Don't let anyone tell you that those you know online aren't real friends. Because most of the time your online friends see and know more about you than people in rl. They virtually wipe away your tears, they virtually hug you, they support you when most likely others (those in rl) do not.
Now I'm not saying nor implying you don't have rl friends who wouldn't care, or say that online friends aren't real friends just because they aren't with you in rl. My reasoning for bringing it up, is to say: All your friends who love you, support you, they matter no matter where they are.
I have many online friends I look to. One of them has stuck with me for years, you know who she is, and literally she's seen me be vulnerable in more ways than one. She's been a soild rock for me when I've needed it, and I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her or the others I look to. Especially because they got me through the hard part of my mom's passing.
Don't force yourself to talk to others if your not ready. But know that there are those who are willing to listen to you and support you how they can. Distance sucks yes, but in the long run online friends are great to have around.
Try also listening to some instrumental music, especially calming ones. Look up on YouTube: Adrian von Ziegler, BrunuhVille, Danheim, and Antti Martikainen as examples. I got so lost in their music, it helped me to calm down.
As Ash mentioned, it's going to take time. Don't let anyone rush you, or tell you to get over it. You heal in your own time, as I myself am trying to do. You are loved and important Sky-San. Please don't ever feel like you are a bother or a burden to any of us, who want to help you how we can. I'm here for you too. You don't feel like talking? That's cool. I'll still check in with you now and then, with cute and or funny gif's. I know those usually make you smile.
Always remember...
*offers hugs*
Hi, I want to let you know that a friend of mine dealt with grief and went to grief support group which helped her sort of see that what she was feeling was normal and it is, honey. It is normal. One phrase from her class that stuck out to me was "ambush grief" where you feel alright one day then then suddenly you're ambushed by it out if nowhere. This is common.
I'm so so sorry you're in pain and I think just what these other folks said makes a lot of sense. Take the time you need. And if you don't want to stew, well, I guess get on back out there but just be kind and understanding towards yourself when these moments catch up to you. And I think what you're doing here, now (talking about him and why it hurts and finding validation and feeling hears and all of that)--good choice. I think maybe that will help.
I don't have direct experience with this sort of thing except through friends, but I've been told I'm a pretty good listener, so if you need another two ears or some hugs, please let me know.
💗
Hi, I want to let you know that a friend of mine dealt with grief and went to grief support group which helped her sort of see that what she was feeling was normal and it is, honey. It is normal. One phrase from her class that stuck out to me was "ambush grief" where you feel alright one day then then suddenly you're ambushed by it out if nowhere. This is common.
I'm so so sorry you're in pain and I think just what these other folks said makes a lot of sense. Take the time you need. And if you don't want to stew, well, I guess get on back out there but just be kind and understanding towards yourself when these moments catch up to you. And I think what you're doing here, now (talking about him and why it hurts and finding validation and feeling hears and all of that)--good choice. I think maybe that will help.
I don't have direct experience with this sort of thing except through friends, but I've been told I'm a pretty good listener, so if you need another two ears or some hugs, please let me know.
💗
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