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Forums » Smalltalk » Father's Day: Should I bother?

Hello RPR world, Winter here.

So. Tomorrow is Father's Day. Least for here in the USA it will be.

I haven't really thought about this holiday, till papa (nickname for grandpa) mentioned it earlier this week and how he wanted to get a card for my great grandfather. I thought maybe to get papa a card too. But I'm indecisive.

You see. I've only had two influential males in my whole life: My high school choir director, and papa.

Part of my thing is that while yes I am family to papa, since he married my grandmother who's my "dad" 's (don't ask about the quotes) mom. But honestly...I feel more like an outsider over anything else, even with my being here 7 months going on 8. Plus since my cousin (I call her such since I don't know the actual relation, and it's just easier for us) is actually blood related to papa, she's got a jealous streak at times and feels threatened by my presence.

I'm not sure how many of you remember my mentioning some of these things, if I've brought them up before, so this is a small recap to help explain things for why I'm asking the topic question that I did.

Sometimes I personally feel like Papa is only focused on cousin, since well she's 15 and I'm 31. But he does try to remember me and such too. It's just I feel that he sees me as another adult (which technically I am), so he just puts most of his energy to cousin.

Basically it comes down to: I don't want to step on cousin's toes, if I got papa a Father's Day card. Cousin's mom doesn't mind me in the least, as she often tries to incorporate me at times when she visits her daughter here. I think part of the other thing, aside from not wanting to step on toes, is I feel like I shouldn't just because I'm related to him via his marriage to my gran but that's it.

I mean a card is a card, and it shouldn't be that big a deal to my cousin...just if I get one I'm not sure if she's just going to be like: Meh. And move on, or if she's going to be like: OMG! Why did you get him a Father's Day card?! -rant, rant, rant, rant-

I know in the end it's up to me, but with my questioning myself so much I wanted opinions.

Thanks for those who took the time to read this!

-Winter

Note: Small reminder: Please remember the RPR rules/guidelines, so no one gets into trouble. Thanks!
Obviously I don't know all the details of your family situation and relationships with the people in question, but since you're asking for advice, here's my two cents, from the perspective I'd take if I were in a situation like the one you described.

Relation by marriage is every bit as meaningful as relation by blood. Which is to say, neither is all that important in my mind, especially when it comes to holidays like Father's Day. I personally feel that parenthood is not a matter of blood relation or marriage or what have you, but a matter of whether the person in question actually has a good, healthy parental or parental-adjacent relationship with someone they care for. From what little I know, it sounds like you have such a relationship with your papa.

Furthermore, this is a deeply personal holiday for a lot of people. It's about cherishing the paternal bonds in an individual's life, whether they be with blood-related fathers or unrelated father figures. Fatherhood (or grandfatherhood) is not something worth competing over (it's not as if it's in limited supply!), it's a form of love to be celebrated and shared. I think that if you did get your papa a card and your cousin felt threatened by that, that's her problem, not yours. Getting him a card would just be a small show of how much you appreciate him, not some sinister move to steal him away from her. Also, since you can't control how people respond to your actions, but you can control your response to other people's actions, I'd go as far as to say that it's not your responsibility to withhold a show of your love for your papa because you're afraid your cousin will take it badly. On the chance that she does respond negatively to it, you can just walk away. I've found that physically removing yourself from an angry person's presence is a good way to defuse potential arguments, and if she follows you to keep ranting at you, put a closed door between her and yourself.

Obviously I don't want you to do something that ends in conflict with your cousin, especially not on a family-oriented holiday, but I feel that if she starts something, that's her fault, not yours. In an ideal world, you should feel free to express your appreciation for your papa with something as harmless as a card without any fear of retaliation, but this isn't an ideal world, so take my advice with a grain of salt, because I would hate to encourage you to do something you're not comfortable with doing. I think you should give him the card and let your cousin sort herself out, but I'm not the one who has to deal with her.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!
Mala's post
Malachite wrote:
Obviously I don't know all the details of your family situation and relationships with the people in question, but since you're asking for advice, here's my two cents, from the perspective I'd take if I were in a situation like the one you described.

Relation by marriage is every bit as meaningful as relation by blood. Which is to say, neither is all that important in my mind, especially when it comes to holidays like Father's Day. I personally feel that parenthood is not a matter of blood relation or marriage or what have you, but a matter of whether the person in question actually has a good, healthy parental or parental-adjacent relationship with someone they care for. From what little I know, it sounds like you have such a relationship with your papa.

Furthermore, this is a deeply personal holiday for a lot of people. It's about cherishing the paternal bonds in an individual's life, whether they be with blood-related fathers or unrelated father figures. Fatherhood (or grandfatherhood) is not something worth competing over (it's not as if it's in limited supply!), it's a form of love to be celebrated and shared. I think that if you did get your papa a card and your cousin felt threatened by that, that's her problem, not yours. Getting him a card would just be a small show of how much you appreciate him, not some sinister move to steal him away from her. Also, since you can't control how people respond to your actions, but you can control your response to other people's actions, I'd go as far as to say that it's not your responsibility to withhold a show of your love for your papa because you're afraid your cousin will take it badly. On the chance that she does respond negatively to it, you can just walk away. I've found that physically removing yourself from an angry person's presence is a good way to defuse potential arguments, and if she follows you to keep ranting at you, put a closed door between her and yourself.

Obviously I don't want you to do something that ends in conflict with your cousin, especially not on a family-oriented holiday, but I feel that if she starts something, that's her fault, not yours. In an ideal world, you should feel free to express your appreciation for your papa with something as harmless as a card without any fear of retaliation, but this isn't an ideal world, so take my advice with a grain of salt, because I would hate to encourage you to do something you're not comfortable with doing. I think you should give him the card and let your cousin sort herself out, but I'm not the one who has to deal with her.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!


Yeah. I honestly felt a bit silly to post this, but I was like: Okay if your having this much issue in your head about it, then ask the RPR community.

You do make valid points.

Papa told cousin she needed to get her dad a Father's Day card, and she was like: Eeeeehh, no. She doesn't have a good relation with her birth father, as I myself do not with my own.

Trust me when cousin starts getting hateful, and if it's done when I don't have to go with her and papa somewhere, I leave and go to my room as example and lock my door.

I think if I do get him a card, I'll make it a simple light hearted and or funny card, so it shows I care but I don't chance cousin getting defensive about it.

Thanks Mal-San! ^-^

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