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Obsidian (played anonymously)

Need help explaining this to an rp partner and concerned with hurting feelings.


Please Note: As I will not be giving deep details out of respect for the other person, comments about not having the full story or other persons view point side are unnecessary and sometimes just feels like your telling the poster that that's just how they feel but may not really be that way which honestly is extremely invalidating. I almost don't want to ask, but I'm going to anyway.


Here is the issue. Simply put my character is not able to have emotional moments/plot events but I find my character constantly assisting with their counterparts emotions, plots, etc. When something get's brought up by my character it gets dismissed if there is something their character wants to do or it gets brushed off and never addressed. When there isn't anything their character wants to do kind just doesn't acknowledge or always seems not to know what to do in the rp.

I can get a character having a hard time dealing with things like that but at this point I noticed it only happens if the issue/plot doesnt revolve around his character. I considered that maybe he just plays the character self centered and almost asked but then felt it would be taken wrong. Eventually I did ask if his character had a hard time dealing with others issues and the response was no. Which is what led me to post this.

as I said bare bones information and I'm just trying to find a way to say, 'Your characters cant be the only ones that have things go on and happen to them while mine are the problem solvers who can't have anything going on with them.' No matter how I word it in my head I still feel like it comes out off putting.

Any suggestions on ways I can go about it?

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Please Note: As I will not be giving deep details out of respect for the other person, comments about not having the full story or other persons view point side are unnecessary

And who's deciding that? There's a reason people say communication and context is important. It's called the "full story". If you don't let us know exactly what is going on then you put yourself in a situation where it's less likely that you can be helped. As for hurt feelings, Fact is sometimes you have no choice but to hurt someones feelings in the interest of honesty. There's no way around it at times. Better to get through it quickly. Then immediately focus on good things. Long as misunderstandings get cleared up quickly you can move on to the fun RP.
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Simply put my character is not able to have emotional moments/plot
Generalised statements. Lacks context. Examples would help. Actions make mood (good and bad). Therefor focus on the actions. Simply put, feelings aren't logic. Feelings are the result. It seems like you're the one seeking "positive" emotions. Of which you'd like your character to enjoy. You also seem to have concerns about being brushed aside. This indicates to me that something you're doing (saying or posting) is flawed. You want people to engage with you yet you feel like you're being ignored. Which, unfortunately, happens. The only way to address this is with communication with the person you want to/are roleplaying with. Which brings us back to context. I should point out that focusing on context is always better then generalising. Because it address the specific interactions without room for misinterpretation/assumptions. That said some things can't really be explained until posted/shown. Due to the concept of flow/spontaneous.
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seems not to know what to do in the rp.
I think it's you that doesn't know what to do in the RP. Not your character. If your character is at a loss it's because you are. Regardless, activity is important. If either you or your character is doing nothing then that's not fun. It sounds like you're lacking for ideas when you're posting. Do you go into a RP "Winging it" (eg: blind) or do you go in with discussion and an idea? Both have their pros and cons. But if it's clear you're struggling then talking about ideas, wants and needs with the person you're roleplaying with is basically the only sure fire way. Provided you "talk them into it". The best approach IMO is to plan the start (location/how to meet) with some kind of idea what you want from each other and let things happen without overplanning. I personally enjoy lewd interaction. But some minor plot can help. And one thing can lead to another either way. Do you communicate your wants/needs effectively with who you want to RP with? And if so, how hesitant/reluctant are they to do what you want? Which is where agreements comes into play. Or otherwise establishing not holding back with each others happiness. There can also be other tricks in regards to overcoming barriers with posts. But that's a bit more technical. sometimes a single post about how we feel before reverting back to being playful helps. To present a very basic idea on that account.
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I can get a character having a hard time dealing with things like that but at this point I noticed it only happens if the issue/plot doesnt revolve around his character.
Sounds like you struggle to adapt to change/the unfamiliar. You're focused on your character. Which is fine. But if you're "spotlighted" do you think you can "go with the flow"? Provided someone is giving that direction. The other person could either "surprise post" or it can happen after talking about ideas. "Plot" is also generalised. And doesn't state about what. It's possible you could be too focused on plot and not enough on "in the moment". Both are important. It's hard to picture in the moment events if they're not happening of course. But if you've struggled with some roleplays already then it could be worth reflecting and considering what could have happened differently for things to be more playful.

It's also clear you care too much about what people think of you at times (you worry about being viewed as wrong). Sometimes you have to do something that seems wrong that people take offence too. Just be confident about what you do and don't feel ashamed/guilty about it. If you make a mistake then correct it. If someone corrects you and they speak up and it keeps things healthy. Otherwise it's probably "just worrying". If someone takes offence to something you do and can't even talk to you then their silence is on them. Not you. Best you can do is encourage people to speak up. And simply do whatever you're doing unless they mention something. To be clear I'm into a lot of darker things myself. And people are quite fine with it. Sometimes a heads up is needed. Sometimes people already are that accepting.
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No matter how I word it in my head I still feel like it comes out off putting.
Case in point. Worry less about how you come across and more about trying to be honest. It's ok if you're not clear at first. It happens. Got to keep talking to get there. Some people will chew you out for trying to be understood. But that's their loss. Others will ask questions and try to be understanding. Sometimes someone is closed minded and you have to hurt their fragile, delicate feelings and keep asking questions over and over before good things happen. And sometimes people will play the deaf ears and turned backs card. In which case, sod 'em. Unless they open up a line of communication again. Sound like drama? Well, communication can be at times. Won't go away by being evasive. Therefor I pick my poison and get through it quicker. Turning said poison into a cure quickly. Deal with it and it's resolved. Potentially very quickly. Leaving only the good times. Pretend a situation doesn't exist and RP concerns can linger for years. Which can be quite distressing when it's a big need for a person.

Little tip. Sometimes you got to ask invasive questions to get someone interested in you. Like why they say no when they act like they know what they're talking about when they're ignorant about context. Example: What exactly ware you saying no too? Which in turn can lead to talking about ideas which leads to fun RP. Or if not that someone not even asking, in which case they're close minded. I only trust the open minded ones. They ask and find out my side of the story. In other words risk it all to gain it all. That doesn't mean I have a RP planned out already. It simply means I know how to post fun things (your sticking point it seems) so that they can enjoy themselves, provided my wants/needs are met. If I have to be emotional when there's misunderstanding, I'm going to be human. But I'll focus on the logic of the situation. Example: someone didn't want to post "sub" things with me. Context had to be addressed. This lead to understanding. Leading to posting about some D/s things.

That's as much advice I can give. If you had given us context/specific events I'd be able to address specific interactions. But if I'm in the dark then I'm in the dark. I assure you, it's always necessary to be specific/clear as possible. Hopefully you got some idea of how to address concerns with your RP partner.
Obsidian (played anonymously) Topic Starter

Well as the op I wanted to keep it generalized. I have that choice.

I'm going to be completely honest after reading your post it was exactly what I was trying to avoid and actually didn't hit one point accurately.

Firstly you pulled a lot from the little that I said. I keep it generalized because I feel it is a better way to go about it for me personally. It was my decision.

Also it seems like you missed some key things that I said. To the point that I'm not sure where you were going with this.

The snippets you chose left out part of the context of what I said and seemed to be interpreted differently than they were meant to the point that it's no longer what I was talking about and more like deflection almost.

I never stated that I didn't know what to do. I stated that:

When there isn't anything their character wants to do kind just doesn't acknowledge or always seems not to know what to do in the rp.


If you had asked why I made that statement I could have elobrated but instead my brief explanation was picked a part and taken out of context.
The best thing you can do is tell your partner what you shared here. Nothing you've said or how you feel is offensive or hurtful. It sounds like you have reason to feel the way you do, and I'm sure if you explain it respectfully to your partner, they will understand.
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I'm just trying to find a way to say, 'Your characters cant be the only ones that have things go on and happen to them while mine are the problem solvers who can't have anything going on with them.'

A softer way to breach the problem could be "Hey, I'm really enjoying learning about your characters and their problems, but can we write something focusing on mine this time? I feel like we're not giving my characters a fair share of attention in the writing."

Making it a "we/us" problem is a safe way to ask for a change in direction.
Dragutin (played anonymously)

Kidd wrote:
The best thing you can do is tell your partner what you shared here. Nothing you've said or how you feel is offensive or hurtful. It sounds like you have reason to feel the way you do, and I'm sure if you explain it respectfully to your partner, they will understand.
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I'm just trying to find a way to say, 'Your characters cant be the only ones that have things go on and happen to them while mine are the problem solvers who can't have anything going on with them.'

A softer way to breach the problem could be "Hey, I'm really enjoying learning about your characters and their problems, but can we write something focusing on mine this time? I feel like we're not giving my characters a fair share of attention in the writing."

Making it a "we/us" problem is a safe way to ask for a change in direction.

This is the direction of the response I'd also give.
Obsidian wrote:
Well as the op I wanted to keep it generalized. I have that choice.

I'm going to be completely honest after reading your post it was exactly what I was trying to avoid and actually didn't hit one point accurately.

Firstly you pulled a lot from the little that I said. I keep it generalized because I feel it is a better way to go about it for me personally. It was my decision.

Also it seems like you missed some key things that I said. To the point that I'm not sure where you were going with this.

The snippets you chose left out part of the context of what I said and seemed to be interpreted differently than they were meant to the point that it's no longer what I was talking about and more like deflection almost.

When there isn't anything their character wants to do kind just doesn't acknowledge or always seems not to know what to do in the rp.


If you had asked why I made that statement I could have elobrated but instead my brief explanation was picked a part and taken out of context.

Your feelings don't change the fact that context is nonetheless important. You're going with your feelings instead of presenting valid reasons beyond how you feel. And we all know emotions can cloud peoples judgement. In this situation that could be what is happening. did you consider that?

For context people often go "Feel one thing" yet when context is addressed it can turn out to be another. If it's "at a glance" it might seem otherwise. Hence the importance of context. This is going to apply more with you and your RP partner. But also applies here. Because the more ideas you have the better. If only so you can mention ideas to them.

Some of what I stated was to give the "general idea". You can choose to generalise, sure. But what's the consequence for that choice? Trying to avoid a situation only means it catches up (that's always the case. Doesn't go away by pretending it doesn't exist or can't happen). Saying you can choose to do it doesn't change the fact that if we don't know exactly what's going on then we can only speculate and "stab in the dark".

You left out context. Now you talk about context. After leaving out context. Saying you want to generalise yet then saying you want context. Getting mixed messages here. If you had gone "I need help in regards to something specific" then I would be able to address the specific situation. How can this be done if all you're doing is generalising? Use your brain, not your feelings.

My earlier post was simply "planning ahead" in case you face certain situations. In case they do happen. Now if you want a specific situation addressed then state about what specifically. Because generalising leaves room for misinterpretation. Meaning I can only speculate, and thus try to cover every possibility that might happen in regards to whatever "general" situation is mentioned that could lead to those events. Had you gone "I'm willing to discuss the details" maybe I would have asked more or address that one situation. But going straight to "Screw specifics" in your first post indicates you might not want to address the "finer details". So why would I ask about that?

What I didn't take into account earlier was the other person struggling with things to post and lacking for ideas. But from the way you phrased your first post it seemed to me like you was the one struggling. Chances are it's applying both ways (how it often goes after all). Or do you believe you're implementing more ideas then they are?

Also, what kind of things are you/they trying to post about? Even just having an idea of what you're doing with the first few posts would help. Without knowing this I can't help you. Examples can range from "Trying to post about D/s events" to "That dragon in the cave with a hoard". At what point is are you hitting the "RP stutters" when you're posting? It's possible the first post could be where the problems lie (eg: holding back. even if not meant/intended). Or it could be the 3rd post in. Without knowing any context of the posts then I don't know where the mistakes are being made.

In case it's happened I'm also pointing out if you do more "standing there and talking" in a RP it lacks activity. And thus could factor in to hitting that brick wall. Has this happened at all?

Additionally, would you say you've "been evasive" with some of your posts? Or has your partner? An example would be something like "Standing up and showing intolerance" if you or they tried to do something playful. Post wise. If you mention "avoiding" here then you could be doing it in other areas in posts/RP and not even know it.

And have you and your RP partner ever stated anything that might indicate not giving some posts/RP a chance before you get the fun part? If this (or the above) has happened earlier at some point it could be why you/they struggle for ideas now.

The only help we can really give you is in how to address "sticking points". But only you and they know what you find fun and enjoy. Unless you think otherwise and haven't considered something enough to find out. Which is why you talk about it (eg: discuss the context together. With them). With this logic in mind I am going to ask if you talk about the things you don't enjoy. Because it's quite possible you could be missing out on fun ideas if you simply discuss whatever it is that isn't yet liked. Depends if it's a want/need of theirs/yours (which also depends on if it's made aware and confronted instead of avoided). Again, this comes down to context. "Spitballing" about how to do things and whatever else it's combined with. Even if you wanted to address context here, in this current situation, it's kind of impossible. Because it's merging and mixing your and your partners wants/needs together. Not ours.

I'll give you an example of where I'm coming from. Someone might think they won't enjoy X. But because of Y and Z (their interests) being involved it makes X enjoyed when it's done. Are you talking to them more about "your" interests or "their" interests? Or are you struggling to even do that? If so then that comes down to "How to start a RP at all".
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I never stated that I didn't know what to do.
Then why make this thread if you know what to do? You wouldn't be seeking help/advice if you wasn't at a loss. Something one or both of you is doing is down to some unknown factor or other. Could be "Ideas that have yet come to mind" in regards to the kind of RP you do.

I'd need to know more about the RP itself to be able to help with suggesting what kinds of actions (eg: posts) could help. If it's a fantasy RP for example then I might have magic ideas. Something I'm more familiar with. If it's more sci fi then I'd say I have an idea or two but someone else probably comes up with more because I don't RP that much myself. But if someone told me these ideas in regards to sci fi then it would obviously give me more ideas in sci fi RP. And thus also means I would be able to inform others and give them said sci fi ideas. Basically, you can only really get more ideas in an area you have more experience with. Or at least thought/talked about enough.

You mention "RP". I ask "What kind"?
Kim Site Admin

I don't think the OP could offer the sort of details you want Taramafor, as they may be identifying, and talking about people in that way would be very awkward. What's here is enough to offer general advice. Even if it's just how the OP "feels," those feelings are valid and a compassionate RP partner will want to discuss them. The RP partner should be able to clear up any misunderstandings themselves if one has occurred.

OP, there are two possibilities here: Either your RP partner is accidentally centering their characters, and will want immediately to correct that upon hearing you want more spotlight sharing, or they are, in fact, conscious of wanting an unequal share of the spotlight.

A few things to keep in mind:
  • Of course, you need to go in assuming the best of your RP partner, ie, that it is accidental or a misunderstanding, and frame the conversation that way.
  • It is not possible to always avoid hurting feelings, as other people's feelings are not in your direct control. If you approach someone respectfully and offer to dialogue, it doesn't mean you did something wrong if they are at first uncomfortable.
  • In the end, people need to work through and manage their own emotions, and sometimes feeling a bit badly is healthy -- if I discovered I had accidentally made my RP partner feel that I was ignoring their plots, I would definitely feel badly about it for a bit! But that would motivate me to try to be more aware and do better. I would also not want you to spare me those feelings by concealing my mistake from me!
  • When opening the discussion, shorter is better. Just a few sentences. Not all the detail you gave us in this topic opener. At least to start with, keep the focus on how you feel and what you'd like to see to correct the situation. No need for pointing out every example of it unless they ask for that much detail.
  • If after your best efforts you find that the situation is not improving, and you are still not feeling like the share of RP is equal, it's possible that that is is not accidental, and your RP partner is not truly interested in "sharing" the spotlight. Then, you will need to decide what to do from there for yourself. Is that ratio going to be okay with you? If not, it would be okay to politely move on, even if they don't want you to. RP is a partner activity that both partners need to actively want to do, not a service you provide to someone else.
Obsidian (played anonymously) Topic Starter

Tamarafor I can see that neither of us were on the same page with this.
Kim you are correct providing more would make it awkward or either it would have been so vague it would have lead to even more questions.



Kidd, Dragutin, Kim

Thank you to those who gave some really good advice. At this point I have resolved the issue and have no further questions about it. I thank you for taking the time to respond. And I will use what was suggested as I feel there is other situations this advice could be used in. I really appreciate the responses.
Kim Site Admin

I'm very glad to hear that it was resolved! :D

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