Forums » Smalltalk » (TRIGGER WARNING; SUICIDE) How to deal w/ fakers?

So recently I've discovered that one of my closest friends is faking depression and suicidal thoughts.

As much as it hurts to say, not just I, but all of our little friend group, has had confirmation from trained professionals and his parents that he does not suffer with mental illness at all.

It's stabbed a stake through my heart, especially since I've lost friends to mental illness and I've got friends who I try to care for anytime I see them because I'm afraid they are going to kill themselves.

Anytime I've confronted him about it he'll just start calling me names, saying very rude things to me and the people around me, and start stereotyping me into the category of 'I'm a slag' or skank, or a tramp, things like that. And then the next day he acts like nothing happened and expects me to do the same.

I don't know what to do. I know I should stop hanging out with him, stop talking to him, be the bigger person. But that means stop hanging out with all of my friends because they refuse to leave him out of the friend group. I don't want to lose any of my friends as they're very dear to me and I love them all...

I'm just... Stuck. And hurt,

Edit: I also recommend putting a content warning in the subject or at the beginning of the post such as (CW: suicide mention, abuse), it can help people prevent being caught off guard if they're not in a good place to handle this subject matter. It's not necessary but very appreciated!

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I'm so very, very sorry you're having to deal with this. I've been there too, and it sucks a lot.

A few things to helped me get perspective: I'd rather provide my care and support to anyone in need, even if they're a faker, than risking not giving someone my care and support who really needs it. It helps me process my feelings when this happens a lot better and faster, and ensures I don't burn myself out worrying when I'm trying to help others.

Being called names over confronting him with the knowledge you gained is abusive and not okay. I would be stern with your friends that he is abusive and crossed a line, and that you hope they'll stick up for you and themselves. Even if he was actually dealing with mental illness, it's never an excuse to be toxic and abusive towards others.

I do understand that it's hard to make a decision from the point where you're at, since this won't just affect your relationship with this person but also your entire friend group. However, I also question the value of friends who don't stand up against abuse towards you and others - if they're aware of the facts and they choose him over you, are they actually friends? Because I'd never want to be friends with the abuser of a friend of mine, that's a guaranteed deal breaker to me.

*hugs* sorry you're going through that

I think I would stop hanging out with him, but yeah, it's complicated because of the other friends. The only other option I can think of is to approach him like, "when you say X, it makes me feel X," and kind of maybe make him feel bad about his behavior. But I'm guessing he may not be empathetic...but maybe it could work. But yeah, maybe start trying to make some new friends if possible, even if you don't competely distance yourself from this group right away, then if you decide that you really need to, you'll have a group of people to look to. I hope it works out okay and I feel for you. I had a boss like that once...complete mood shift and behavior shift from one day to the next...insulting one day, nice the next morning as if nothing had happened. I gotta tell you, I had to quit that job.

Definitely keep hanging out with everyone, but only exchange pleasantries with him. "How are you" "Thats good" "Thank you" etc.

If he says anything rude, tell him, "The way you spoke to me is inappropriate," and walk away. If anybody asks whats going on, you can be concise: "he's been acting inappropriately and I am communicating that with him." You'll know if its better to expand on it or not. Its your call if you want to continue to hang out with them, but if they allow him to be openly and outright rude to you without calling him out... I'm sorry to say, they are not friends. Nobody should be treated that way over anything. If people allow someone in their friends group to behave that way and go unchecked, it may be better to find another group.

Ultimately people push for a reaction because they aren't happy with themselves, so he may be going through some things but its going undetected. Either way, you don't deserve to be treated this way.

Man, that is a tough situation to be in, and I can definitely say, there's definitely no easy resolution that would leave everyone happy,, and quite possibly no resolution at all that would leave everyone pleased with the outcome.

On the one hand, I've been in the position of the friend in the middle like the people who are mutual friends with you and this other person--I've been friends with two people who cannot seem to get along, or one is displaying behavior toward the other that should be fixed. It's difficult to outright choose between them, and regrettably sometimes one can't always see that one of your friends is mistreating another. It always took someone else talking to me about it to make me see it, as people generally want to believe the best about their friends, not the worst.

On the other hand, such behavior shouldn't be tolerated, and one confront the abusive friend and ask them to at least try and correct their behavior. If they don't, it is generally best to cut ties unless you can say with certainty you think you can help them and you feel you are able to. I can tell you that this is likely the best course of action, because I myself have, regrettably, sometimes been the friend who is displaying the inappropriate behavior (not this specific kind, but bad enough), and needed to be confronted about it--don't let this person give you excuses for that kind of behavior. I didn't usually take it well right away, but in general it did eventually help me at least try to be a better person and apologize when I genuinely felt I had wronged someone--I leave it up to others to say if I have succeeded in improving those aspects of myself.

Ehem, anyway, sorry if I kind of rambled there, I hope this helps you resolve the situation in as close to an ideal fashion as possible!

Thanks for this guys. I've been working with him for the past week trying to improve, and while the advice was both great and sensible, it unfortunately didn't work. It only resulted in him yelling at me more and me going home with a huge headache... (the other day I got slapped as well. So that was... Fun.)

Thanks for the help anyway, I really do appreciate it

I had the same problem last week,and omg he would not stop talking about killing himself,he also said he cut himself,he scared the life outta me

Slapping you in this situation is assault. Please talk to someone, like his parents or your parents, about this behavior before he escalates it and poses a genuine risk to someone. I'm really sorry it didn't work out.

I suggest that you report him to someone, as that seems concerning... Even if it isn't continuing, I'd suggest doing so

He's off this site now,after I reported him that is

Same ^^^^

Did your mutual friends have anything to say?

One of my close friends agreed it was wrong and it needed to change. Though the other 5 - 6 people in our little circle refused to realise so we just left.

Sorry to hear that

At least you know now that you do have at least one true friend!

I'm too fast & furious because work so I haven't read any of the responses here, but:

Faking any illness or dire subject such as suicide is a cause for concern in itself. Some people will compulsively lie in order to gain validation. I do not know this person so cannot say for sure, but I'd probably conclude that he's struggling with some severe self-esteem issues and is handling it the completely wrong way.

I spent two years working alongside a woman with borderline personality disorder who would continually tell very extreme lies whenever she felt people were beginning to drift away from her. The lies were a means of provoking panic and concern, which would then result in the listener offering extra time, reassurance, and validation. All of which this woman felt deprived of.

When confronted, she'd become challenging and insulting, and would declare that no one cares about her. Etc etc.

I'm no psychologist (I moved onto medicine) so don't hold me to it, but it's not unreasonable to assume that your friend is crying out for help in a very harmful way. His parents opinions should not matter -- only he can know what's going on in his head. As for a professional opinion, it is incredibly illegal for a professional to share patient/client details with you. If the person is under a certain age, only their guardian is entitled access to such information. That's a whole other subject, so I won't digress.

That being said, do not sacrifice your own well-being. Kindly explain that you are there to help him and that he doesn't need to construct lies in order to get you to help him. Tell him that if he continues to treat you the way he does, then you will walk away for good. No matter the state of mind, there are boundaries to adhere to and you are under no obligation to put up with his behaviour.

Hope things start looking up for you!