Deleted, I don't wish to talk about this anymore please.
Take this all with a grain of salt, but... my gut reaction would be to break it off with them. Tell them you need to stop for a while and then stick to it, even if it hurts because of the missing fun times. There are others out there who can fulfill that without all of the negatives.
I'm not sure what else might be going on here without their perspective on this, but from your end it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle. At the very least, either stop RPing with them, or stop RPing smut/romance with them. You both need to back up a few steps from one another. You need to honour the fact that they aren't able to handle stress and depression, and they need to recognize that they're not the kind of person you want or need in your life right now, and give you room to find someone or something else that doesn't tweak your sensitivities so badly.
I'm not sure what else might be going on here without their perspective on this, but from your end it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle. At the very least, either stop RPing with them, or stop RPing smut/romance with them. You both need to back up a few steps from one another. You need to honour the fact that they aren't able to handle stress and depression, and they need to recognize that they're not the kind of person you want or need in your life right now, and give you room to find someone or something else that doesn't tweak your sensitivities so badly.
I don't mean for this to seem so one-sided, Or that they're completely in the wrong and I apologize if it seems that way because I know their own point of view isn't here. I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to call this friend out as the ultimate bad guy. I just needed to get this off my chest and hopefully find some advice and stuff.
Maybe taking a break for a while could help, You may be right. But I have such a hard time making friends as is and to lose one of very, very few is heart breaking. I'm not saying that I should go straight to cutting off the friendship but maybe trying to take a break for a few days- Which might be a bit hard to stick with because I'm use to them talking to me on a daily basis. I'd definitely need some help with remembering this is more my own good.
But I appreciate you replying to this and giving your own advice
I will definitely take it into major consideration.
Maybe taking a break for a while could help, You may be right. But I have such a hard time making friends as is and to lose one of very, very few is heart breaking. I'm not saying that I should go straight to cutting off the friendship but maybe trying to take a break for a few days- Which might be a bit hard to stick with because I'm use to them talking to me on a daily basis. I'd definitely need some help with remembering this is more my own good.
But I appreciate you replying to this and giving your own advice
I will definitely take it into major consideration.dray wrote:
Take this all with a grain of salt, but... my gut reaction would be to break it off with them. Tell them you need to stop for a while and then stick to it, even if it hurts because of the missing fun times. There are others out there who can fulfill that without all of the negatives.
I'm not sure what else might be going on here without their perspective on this, but from your end it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle. At the very least, either stop RPing with them, or stop RPing smut/romance with them. You both need to back up a few steps from one another. You need to honour the fact that they aren't able to handle stress and depression, and they need to recognize that they're not the kind of person you want or need in your life right now, and give you room to find someone or something else that doesn't tweak your sensitivities so badly.
I'm not sure what else might be going on here without their perspective on this, but from your end it sounds like you're trapped in a cycle. At the very least, either stop RPing with them, or stop RPing smut/romance with them. You both need to back up a few steps from one another. You need to honour the fact that they aren't able to handle stress and depression, and they need to recognize that they're not the kind of person you want or need in your life right now, and give you room to find someone or something else that doesn't tweak your sensitivities so badly.
It can be really hard to deal with other people's issues. I set boundaries too, there are days where I'm just not capable of hearing out my friends when they're struggling because all my personal resources are going into keeping my own head above the water. That is not inherently a bad thing, friends are allowed to say 'I can't handle this right now'. Also, many times people feel very upset that there's nothing they can do to help, because things like depression rely heavily on yourself to manage effectively, it's not something someone else can fix for you.
Please be super careful with things like this. What's obvious to me isn't necessarily obvious to someone else. And when we fill in the gaps with our own stories on what people feel or don't feel, without asking them directly, we're setting ourselves up for fights and failures. Don't assume your friend should know better, don't assume your friend doesn't care, tell them and ask them. "What you just said hurt me, was that your intention?" "I get the impression you're not emotionally invested in my well being because I noticed ____. Can you let me know if I'm right?"
It's difficult to judge the situation with only your perspective on this, primarily because when we're feeling bad and depressed and fill in the gaps with our own stories, it's very easy to misinterpret what someone else says and does. Someone being honest with you about how they feel about your characters can be hurtful, but from their end they may feel that you're important enough to deserve the full, honest truth, not a sugar coated lie to protect your feelings. That's not necessarily toxic or mean, that could be their view on how much you matter to them.
What's really necessary is an open ended, honest and mutual discussion about this. Don't just demand that your emotional needs are met, also make sure you hear your friend out and meet theirs because friendships are mutual that way. When a friend asks for space because your mental health is really heavy on them, accept and respect that, but don't turn it into 'they don't care' because those are two different things.
Remember that our friends are our friends and they love and support us, but they're not mental health professionals, and it's unfair on them to demand that they fulfill the role of a mental health professional. If your needs are that dire, then it might be a good idea to get professional help, or if you're already receiving this you may need to discuss this with your therapist and potentially adjust your treatment.
That said, without knowing the finer details, I can't make a judgment call. I'm just throwing out a different perspective that might make sense, but if you continuously feel that this friendship is just a long term commitment to hurt feelings, then it's fully within your right to distance yourself from them. You deserve to set your own boundaries too, and if you're not compatible as friends then there's no point in continuing to hurt yourself by sticking to them. There are lots of people out there, and you're hopefully looking at another 60 years of living a long and awesome life where you get to meet new friends and find ones who make you feel happy and fulfilled. Don't bet all your savings on this one horse, the world is big and the people are many!
Fin_Fin wrote:
do things that they should clearly realize hurt me but they simply don't seem to care
Please be super careful with things like this. What's obvious to me isn't necessarily obvious to someone else. And when we fill in the gaps with our own stories on what people feel or don't feel, without asking them directly, we're setting ourselves up for fights and failures. Don't assume your friend should know better, don't assume your friend doesn't care, tell them and ask them. "What you just said hurt me, was that your intention?" "I get the impression you're not emotionally invested in my well being because I noticed ____. Can you let me know if I'm right?"
It's difficult to judge the situation with only your perspective on this, primarily because when we're feeling bad and depressed and fill in the gaps with our own stories, it's very easy to misinterpret what someone else says and does. Someone being honest with you about how they feel about your characters can be hurtful, but from their end they may feel that you're important enough to deserve the full, honest truth, not a sugar coated lie to protect your feelings. That's not necessarily toxic or mean, that could be their view on how much you matter to them.
What's really necessary is an open ended, honest and mutual discussion about this. Don't just demand that your emotional needs are met, also make sure you hear your friend out and meet theirs because friendships are mutual that way. When a friend asks for space because your mental health is really heavy on them, accept and respect that, but don't turn it into 'they don't care' because those are two different things.
Remember that our friends are our friends and they love and support us, but they're not mental health professionals, and it's unfair on them to demand that they fulfill the role of a mental health professional. If your needs are that dire, then it might be a good idea to get professional help, or if you're already receiving this you may need to discuss this with your therapist and potentially adjust your treatment.
That said, without knowing the finer details, I can't make a judgment call. I'm just throwing out a different perspective that might make sense, but if you continuously feel that this friendship is just a long term commitment to hurt feelings, then it's fully within your right to distance yourself from them. You deserve to set your own boundaries too, and if you're not compatible as friends then there's no point in continuing to hurt yourself by sticking to them. There are lots of people out there, and you're hopefully looking at another 60 years of living a long and awesome life where you get to meet new friends and find ones who make you feel happy and fulfilled. Don't bet all your savings on this one horse, the world is big and the people are many!
Fin_Fin wrote:
How do I get the balls to actually talk to my friend about how they've suddenly been making me feel so cruddy lately? They've spark my depression, my anxiety, they say and do things that they should clearly realize hurt me but they simply don't seem to care.
Not to mention they go from very, very distant, to suddenly telling me they care about me and worry about me so it's hard to read them. I mean, This is the friend who straight up told me I wasnt allowed to talk to them when my depression to those more dark feelings, And let me tell you nothing hurts more than a friend basically telling you they don't want to help you.
They just.. I don't know, They talk about all these other people and praise all these other people but I'm simply second best and it really hurts. Lately things have been getting bad again,
and I say again because this isn't the first time.
They've made me feel ashamed for liking certain characters they don't like as much and the same with pairings, They simply don't seem to care what they say or how they say it.
We've had talks before and things get better for a while but slowly it just goes back to this. I don't know what to do anymore, I've had people tell me its a toxic friendship and I should break it off but we still do get along, yes they make me feel like crap but there are still so many good times we have talking to each other and roleplaying but I cant handle them constantly making me feel like this.
But I don't want to break off this friendship, I know they say I cant go to them but I'm always there for them, I care about them, they're very dear to me but I don't seem to be as important to them and it stings.
We also roleplay together and they tend to make me feel awful for my OCs that happen to be submissive, They only ever praise or talk about how they like my dominant characters and they're one of the fee people I feel comfortable roleplaying as a Dom but they're ruining it.. They only seem to like my doms and they act like my subs are crap in their eyes then deny that they feel that way but it's so obvious? I pit work into these characters and they've even made me feel so ashamed of a voltron OC I had that.. I've actually stopped watching the show, and I can't stand my own OC.
Help? Because the way they've been making me feel has killed my muse and motivation for things here and I hate it.
Not to mention they go from very, very distant, to suddenly telling me they care about me and worry about me so it's hard to read them. I mean, This is the friend who straight up told me I wasnt allowed to talk to them when my depression to those more dark feelings, And let me tell you nothing hurts more than a friend basically telling you they don't want to help you.
They just.. I don't know, They talk about all these other people and praise all these other people but I'm simply second best and it really hurts. Lately things have been getting bad again,
and I say again because this isn't the first time.
They've made me feel ashamed for liking certain characters they don't like as much and the same with pairings, They simply don't seem to care what they say or how they say it.
We've had talks before and things get better for a while but slowly it just goes back to this. I don't know what to do anymore, I've had people tell me its a toxic friendship and I should break it off but we still do get along, yes they make me feel like crap but there are still so many good times we have talking to each other and roleplaying but I cant handle them constantly making me feel like this.
But I don't want to break off this friendship, I know they say I cant go to them but I'm always there for them, I care about them, they're very dear to me but I don't seem to be as important to them and it stings.
We also roleplay together and they tend to make me feel awful for my OCs that happen to be submissive, They only ever praise or talk about how they like my dominant characters and they're one of the fee people I feel comfortable roleplaying as a Dom but they're ruining it.. They only seem to like my doms and they act like my subs are crap in their eyes then deny that they feel that way but it's so obvious? I pit work into these characters and they've even made me feel so ashamed of a voltron OC I had that.. I've actually stopped watching the show, and I can't stand my own OC.
Help? Because the way they've been making me feel has killed my muse and motivation for things here and I hate it.
Let me tell you, I'm sorry for you, but they are not you friends anymore.
Let go, you will be less hurt.
Goodluck.
And strike for other friends your own, and people who treat you normal and right, because we never say it enough, we deserves to be.
Plus, maybe you'll or they'll be back at your in a long time, later on, but right now, they-are-not-your-friends-anymore.
Just let them go.
And I would "advice" you to talk to a doctor, and meds could be of help to help with mods swings and all, depression is biological and psychological, as far as I'm concerned and I know.
Just like some people have diabetes and have to change diet and take meds.
I know psychologically it can be hard to "take meds" because it makes you feel or thinks less of you or I don't know, just dick and it depress you, but meds can help when they kick in and makes you move faster on your own and in your life.
If you feel talking about it or have questions, just tell me in pm, I'll help you as best as I can, but I have more or less said everything here out aloud, we could still talk about your doubts, if you got questions, or the like.... idk.
So, just, let go, get out, or just read a book, whatever makes you feel good, take the sun, just "don't care" as it happens and move on, like, to news activities, to move out of the blank space it leaves in your life as they are not here anymore.
The worse you could do is being stuck. Trust me, this far is as true as true could go in life.
Goodluck again, run, heads up, take care.
And don't let go of your own.
Cheer!!
In all honesty I cannot tell if you're trying to help me out or not, I read your reply and its making it seem as if I'm constantly using this friend as a support line and that is not the case. I do not do that, and I really can't tell the vibe of your reply it wound up more so making me feel like I'm somehow the bad guy.
I feel just completely guilty now, and as I guess your honesty was blunt I will be editing my original post so that I can get rid of the post. I'm sorry if you were trying to help but I think it did a little more harm than good.
It reads a bit as if you're accusing me of doing things I don't do and I really, really do not appreciate that. I'm sorry if I sound rude but the way your reply read did not give me positive vibes at all.
I feel just completely guilty now, and as I guess your honesty was blunt I will be editing my original post so that I can get rid of the post. I'm sorry if you were trying to help but I think it did a little more harm than good.
It reads a bit as if you're accusing me of doing things I don't do and I really, really do not appreciate that. I'm sorry if I sound rude but the way your reply read did not give me positive vibes at all.
Sanne wrote:
It can be really hard to deal with other people's issues. I set boundaries too, there are days where I'm just not capable of hearing out my friends when they're struggling because all my personal resources are going into keeping my own head above the water. That is not inherently a bad thing, friends are allowed to say 'I can't handle this right now'. Also, many times people feel very upset that there's nothing they can do to help, because things like depression rely heavily on yourself to manage effectively, it's not something someone else can fix for you.
Please be super careful with things like this. What's obvious to me isn't necessarily obvious to someone else. And when we fill in the gaps with our own stories on what people feel or don't feel, without asking them directly, we're setting ourselves up for fights and failures. Don't assume your friend should know better, don't assume your friend doesn't care, tell them and ask them. "What you just said hurt me, was that your intention?" "I get the impression you're not emotionally invested in my well being because I noticed ____. Can you let me know if I'm right?"
It's difficult to judge the situation with only your perspective on this, primarily because when we're feeling bad and depressed and fill in the gaps with our own stories, it's very easy to misinterpret what someone else says and does. Someone being honest with you about how they feel about your characters can be hurtful, but from their end they may feel that you're important enough to deserve the full, honest truth, not a sugar coated lie to protect your feelings. That's not necessarily toxic or mean, that could be their view on how much you matter to them.
What's really necessary is an open ended, honest and mutual discussion about this. Don't just demand that your emotional needs are met, also make sure you hear your friend out and meet theirs because friendships are mutual that way. When a friend asks for space because your mental health is really heavy on them, accept and respect that, but don't turn it into 'they don't care' because those are two different things.
Remember that our friends are our friends and they love and support us, but they're not mental health professionals, and it's unfair on them to demand that they fulfill the role of a mental health professional. If your needs are that dire, then it might be a good idea to get professional help, or if you're already receiving this you may need to discuss this with your therapist and potentially adjust your treatment.
That said, without knowing the finer details, I can't make a judgment call. I'm just throwing out a different perspective that might make sense, but if you continuously feel that this friendship is just a long term commitment to hurt feelings, then it's fully within your right to distance yourself from them. You deserve to set your own boundaries too, and if you're not compatible as friends then there's no point in continuing to hurt yourself by sticking to them. There are lots of people out there, and you're hopefully looking at another 60 years of living a long and awesome life where you get to meet new friends and find ones who make you feel happy and fulfilled. Don't bet all your savings on this one horse, the world is big and the people are many!
Fin_Fin wrote:
do things that they should clearly realize hurt me but they simply don't seem to care
Please be super careful with things like this. What's obvious to me isn't necessarily obvious to someone else. And when we fill in the gaps with our own stories on what people feel or don't feel, without asking them directly, we're setting ourselves up for fights and failures. Don't assume your friend should know better, don't assume your friend doesn't care, tell them and ask them. "What you just said hurt me, was that your intention?" "I get the impression you're not emotionally invested in my well being because I noticed ____. Can you let me know if I'm right?"
It's difficult to judge the situation with only your perspective on this, primarily because when we're feeling bad and depressed and fill in the gaps with our own stories, it's very easy to misinterpret what someone else says and does. Someone being honest with you about how they feel about your characters can be hurtful, but from their end they may feel that you're important enough to deserve the full, honest truth, not a sugar coated lie to protect your feelings. That's not necessarily toxic or mean, that could be their view on how much you matter to them.
What's really necessary is an open ended, honest and mutual discussion about this. Don't just demand that your emotional needs are met, also make sure you hear your friend out and meet theirs because friendships are mutual that way. When a friend asks for space because your mental health is really heavy on them, accept and respect that, but don't turn it into 'they don't care' because those are two different things.
Remember that our friends are our friends and they love and support us, but they're not mental health professionals, and it's unfair on them to demand that they fulfill the role of a mental health professional. If your needs are that dire, then it might be a good idea to get professional help, or if you're already receiving this you may need to discuss this with your therapist and potentially adjust your treatment.
That said, without knowing the finer details, I can't make a judgment call. I'm just throwing out a different perspective that might make sense, but if you continuously feel that this friendship is just a long term commitment to hurt feelings, then it's fully within your right to distance yourself from them. You deserve to set your own boundaries too, and if you're not compatible as friends then there's no point in continuing to hurt yourself by sticking to them. There are lots of people out there, and you're hopefully looking at another 60 years of living a long and awesome life where you get to meet new friends and find ones who make you feel happy and fulfilled. Don't bet all your savings on this one horse, the world is big and the people are many!
Thank you for your input and please do not think I'm not able to handle my own depression and such, Trust me I have been dealing with it (both through medication and not) for many years. It may come off as happening more often than it really does in the post and I do not mean for it to read that way, I do talk to people and get the help I need.
People seem to be taking this thread the wrong way and I've requested it's deleted just so that you, and everyone else who has replied knows!
Hopefully it goes down, but thank you for the support. Sometimes a little comfort and support can go a long way.
Let me tell you, I'm sorry for you, but they are not you friends anymore.
Let go, you will be less hurt.
Goodluck.
And strike for other friends your own, and people who treat you normal and right, because we never say it enough, we deserves to be.
Plus, maybe you'll or they'll be back at your in a long time, later on, but right now, they-are-not-your-friends-anymore.
Just let them go.
And I would "advice" you to talk to a doctor, and meds could be of help to help with mods swings and all, depression is biological and psychological, as far as I'm concerned and I know.
Just like some people have diabetes and have to change diet and take meds.
I know psychologically it can be hard to "take meds" because it makes you feel or thinks less of you or I don't know, just dick and it depress you, but meds can help when they kick in and makes you move faster on your own and in your life.
If you feel talking about it or have questions, just tell me in pm, I'll help you as best as I can, but I have more or less said everything here out aloud, we could still talk about your doubts, if you got questions, or the like.... idk.
So, just, let go, get out, or just read a book, whatever makes you feel good, take the sun, just "don't care" as it happens and move on, like, to news activities, to move out of the blank space it leaves in your life as they are not here anymore.
The worse you could do is being stuck. Trust me, this far is as true as true could go in life.
Goodluck again, run, heads up, take care.
And don't let go of your own.
Cheer!!
People seem to be taking this thread the wrong way and I've requested it's deleted just so that you, and everyone else who has replied knows!
Hopefully it goes down, but thank you for the support. Sometimes a little comfort and support can go a long way.
RedLantern wrote:
Fin_Fin wrote:
How do I get the balls to actually talk to my friend about how they've suddenly been making me feel so cruddy lately? They've spark my depression, my anxiety, they say and do things that they should clearly realize hurt me but they simply don't seem to care.
Not to mention they go from very, very distant, to suddenly telling me they care about me and worry about me so it's hard to read them. I mean, This is the friend who straight up told me I wasnt allowed to talk to them when my depression to those more dark feelings, And let me tell you nothing hurts more than a friend basically telling you they don't want to help you.
They just.. I don't know, They talk about all these other people and praise all these other people but I'm simply second best and it really hurts. Lately things have been getting bad again,
and I say again because this isn't the first time.
They've made me feel ashamed for liking certain characters they don't like as much and the same with pairings, They simply don't seem to care what they say or how they say it.
We've had talks before and things get better for a while but slowly it just goes back to this. I don't know what to do anymore, I've had people tell me its a toxic friendship and I should break it off but we still do get along, yes they make me feel like crap but there are still so many good times we have talking to each other and roleplaying but I cant handle them constantly making me feel like this.
But I don't want to break off this friendship, I know they say I cant go to them but I'm always there for them, I care about them, they're very dear to me but I don't seem to be as important to them and it stings.
We also roleplay together and they tend to make me feel awful for my OCs that happen to be submissive, They only ever praise or talk about how they like my dominant characters and they're one of the fee people I feel comfortable roleplaying as a Dom but they're ruining it.. They only seem to like my doms and they act like my subs are crap in their eyes then deny that they feel that way but it's so obvious? I pit work into these characters and they've even made me feel so ashamed of a voltron OC I had that.. I've actually stopped watching the show, and I can't stand my own OC.
Help? Because the way they've been making me feel has killed my muse and motivation for things here and I hate it.
Not to mention they go from very, very distant, to suddenly telling me they care about me and worry about me so it's hard to read them. I mean, This is the friend who straight up told me I wasnt allowed to talk to them when my depression to those more dark feelings, And let me tell you nothing hurts more than a friend basically telling you they don't want to help you.
They just.. I don't know, They talk about all these other people and praise all these other people but I'm simply second best and it really hurts. Lately things have been getting bad again,
and I say again because this isn't the first time.
They've made me feel ashamed for liking certain characters they don't like as much and the same with pairings, They simply don't seem to care what they say or how they say it.
We've had talks before and things get better for a while but slowly it just goes back to this. I don't know what to do anymore, I've had people tell me its a toxic friendship and I should break it off but we still do get along, yes they make me feel like crap but there are still so many good times we have talking to each other and roleplaying but I cant handle them constantly making me feel like this.
But I don't want to break off this friendship, I know they say I cant go to them but I'm always there for them, I care about them, they're very dear to me but I don't seem to be as important to them and it stings.
We also roleplay together and they tend to make me feel awful for my OCs that happen to be submissive, They only ever praise or talk about how they like my dominant characters and they're one of the fee people I feel comfortable roleplaying as a Dom but they're ruining it.. They only seem to like my doms and they act like my subs are crap in their eyes then deny that they feel that way but it's so obvious? I pit work into these characters and they've even made me feel so ashamed of a voltron OC I had that.. I've actually stopped watching the show, and I can't stand my own OC.
Help? Because the way they've been making me feel has killed my muse and motivation for things here and I hate it.
Let me tell you, I'm sorry for you, but they are not you friends anymore.
Let go, you will be less hurt.
Goodluck.
And strike for other friends your own, and people who treat you normal and right, because we never say it enough, we deserves to be.
Plus, maybe you'll or they'll be back at your in a long time, later on, but right now, they-are-not-your-friends-anymore.
Just let them go.
And I would "advice" you to talk to a doctor, and meds could be of help to help with mods swings and all, depression is biological and psychological, as far as I'm concerned and I know.
Just like some people have diabetes and have to change diet and take meds.
I know psychologically it can be hard to "take meds" because it makes you feel or thinks less of you or I don't know, just dick and it depress you, but meds can help when they kick in and makes you move faster on your own and in your life.
If you feel talking about it or have questions, just tell me in pm, I'll help you as best as I can, but I have more or less said everything here out aloud, we could still talk about your doubts, if you got questions, or the like.... idk.
So, just, let go, get out, or just read a book, whatever makes you feel good, take the sun, just "don't care" as it happens and move on, like, to news activities, to move out of the blank space it leaves in your life as they are not here anymore.
The worse you could do is being stuck. Trust me, this far is as true as true could go in life.
Goodluck again, run, heads up, take care.
And don't let go of your own.
Cheer!!
Fin_Fin wrote:
In all honesty I cannot tell if you're trying to help me out or not, I read your reply and its making it seem as if I'm constantly using this friend as a support line and that is not the case. I do not do that, and I really can't tell the vibe of your reply it wound up more so making me feel like I'm somehow the bad guy.
I feel just completely guilty now, and as I guess your honesty was blunt I will be editing my original post so that I can get rid of the post. I'm sorry if you were trying to help but I think it did a little more harm than good.
It reads a bit as if you're accusing me of doing things I don't do and I really, really do not appreciate that. I'm sorry if I sound rude but the way your reply read did not give me positive vibes at all.
I feel just completely guilty now, and as I guess your honesty was blunt I will be editing my original post so that I can get rid of the post. I'm sorry if you were trying to help but I think it did a little more harm than good.
It reads a bit as if you're accusing me of doing things I don't do and I really, really do not appreciate that. I'm sorry if I sound rude but the way your reply read did not give me positive vibes at all.
I'm sorry you're seeing it that way. I hope your relationship with your friend improves.