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Forums » Art & Creativity » A story I'm writing

Hey, I just thought I'd share a story that I'm writing. It's basically the story of my characters Thilga and Jadis, and their country's war. You can read it here. I thought maybe I could get some feedback, and of course I knew with all of the creative people on the Repository that you guys would enjoy it!

Also, I'd like to note that the stories depicted in my characters' bios don't match up with that story completely. :P

Anyways, thanks for checking it out!

~Oaky

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Kim Site Admin

I'm about to go read it! What kind of feedback are you looking for specifically so I know what to keep my eye out for? :)
Oaky Topic Starter

Kim wrote:
I'm about to go read it! What kind of feedback are you looking for specifically so I know what to keep my eye out for? :)

Any ways I could improve, really. I'm always looking for ways I can make my writing better.

The story is kind of short, but I'm adding onto it when I can.
Kim Site Admin

Exciting! I like the way you establish multiple character's aspirations and intentions, only to make it clear that no one is getting what they want and leaving us hanging about what will actually happen.

The biggest thing I could see to improve in this story is "speed bump words" and sentence structures that are hard to parse and slow down comprehension. They throw a person out of the story. Not for very long, but all these little stops to understand are a barrier to perfect enjoyment! A place to start is adverbs, the crutch phrase "of course", and anywhere you find a comma review it carefully to make sure it is 1) Necessary and 2) Not actually more readable as two or three discreet sentences.

For example, here's a particularly difficult passage:
Quote:
This man, known as the Phantom, was so named because of his rare ability to become anything. He could manipulate his surroundings so that people saw things that weren't there. His powers were that of his race, also called the Phantoms. They were a reclusive bunch, and he took advantage of his powers, for personal profit. He was a renowned assassin. Funny enough, that was what he was here to do.

The opening sentence is short, and yet it contains an aside in its center. An aside that actually contains critical information! This makes this information fitfully received, and lessens the impact of both name and powers.

That his name is also the name of his race is closely related info, and seems logically as if it should be explained immediately, but there's a second thought placed in between character name and race name. This makes it seem like an afterthought rather than a revelation when "Phantom" comes up again. So instead of giving us the relevance of the names, then giving us the relevance of the powers to the dual name so we can mentally apply that info to both at once, we've got name power power name (and then by inference power again, as when we're told the name we then have to think back to the power description and update it in our brains to work for both man and people). We have to jump around when it could all be batched for greater impact and clarity.

Then we have this sentence: They were a reclusive bunch, and he took advantage of his powers, for personal profit. No need for that middle comma! It's not adding any information or meaningfully changing the sentence, just slowing us down.

Here's a suggestion for how to streamline this whole paragraph for greater impact:
Quote:
He was known as the Phantom. All of his people were known as Phantoms. They had the power to make people see things that weren't there. They could become anything. And this Phantom used his powers for personal profit. He was an assassin, and he was here to work.

Or perhaps:
Quote:
Like all of his people he was known as a Phantom. They had the power to make people see things that weren't there. And this Phantom used his powers for personal profit. He was an assassin, and he was here to work.

I hope this helps you refine your story. You've got a strong story here, and the next step to improve it is to streamline the heck out of it. The easier it is to read, the more brain power can be spent on feeling all this tension you're establishing, and the less on sorting out how the sentences relate to one another. :)

Keep writing!
Oaky Topic Starter

Wow, thanks so much!

I never even thought about how many commas I used, lol. I'll be sure to edit it.

~Oaky

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