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AvraL (played anonymously)

Is such a mind doomed to always become flustered and ridden with failure outside of their own domain? Is such a mind doomed to be pessimistic and riddled with deeper frustration at one's own self, and their skill?

Alone, the words flow free and with purpose. Many a time I find myself fleshing out my own domains simply for the worth or fun of completing them. Painting vast settings and strange creatures with twisting symbols and wondrous phrases. Yet when paired with another, or a few other creators, I feel hollow. The words, they do not come naturally. Maybe a few, but oft I have to strain and focus in order to fuel the fires of creativity for a reply or message. And if it isn't that, unceasing worry about the quality of my work fills every brush, every stroke. Gifted I am for being able to imagine such things, for my mind to constantly wander to new wonders. But accursed am I, to feel the raking claws of inner scrutiny when I try to create with other creators.

Is it trauma which haunts me? Fear? Or even the ghosts, which their memory still ever plague me with stigma? Perhaps it is a mix of all. Perhaps... To create wording out of frustration and force, that it fails so abhorrently and with unseen guille that it stops a story in it's tracks? Yes, that is genuine fear. Or better yet, a real one. A fear of not being able to fulfill quotas and designated limits due to such plagues. Paragraphs they say! They want paragraphs? Three or more?! THREE OR MORE?! What, they want me to narrate bob breathing through his noise? Memories and distractions racing through his mind as they talk about the weather?! How do they do that? How are they doing that I wonder??? What am I missing? Why am I so unskilled in typing with other people? Why can I create paragraphs upon paragraphs of loricles on my own time, yet when paired with another, the paints run dry? I don't get it, and yet I dare not socialize with such people for such a fear plagues me. For the fear has happened before. To break it is a great challenge I am still yet owning up to.

And yet, the aspects of perfection still call and howl in my many works. To think I am doing something wrong, makes me constantly put things to scrutiny, for my confidence in my ability of creation after all this time wanes thin, due to the ghosts and their memories plaguing me every step of the way. Too many mistakes I have made. I must not make them again. Yet, it seems I only makes things worse for myself thereafter. My careful spirit declares that I go gentle into the rising horizon, for I dare not step out of line, or risk losing even more of my dignity and confidence.

The ghosts, how vile they are in nature. An unseen evil ever haunting your shadows and the memories of your mind. To abandon is their cause, and without purpose or knowledge is their claim. They do not even give you any guidance about how you could've done better, or what was wrong. Leaving you to your own damning reasoning and devices. To learn nothing about what happened, and to remain a mystery is their purpose. Creators alive one day, and the next seemingly dead or vanished into the night. Their empty graves ever to grimace and glare at you for something you do not know or understand that you have done.

This is my story, and this is my clause. I ask for help to those who can decipher this terrible script. What am I doing wrong? Am I capable, should I still fear? Why do I feel hollow? Why am I haunted? Answers are the clarity I am ever seeking.

rolled 1d20 and got 16
Sometimes speaking in riddles and cryptic messages can provide the most sense of security... Heavens forbid thyne's identity is found out.

Hello AvRal.

I've noticed your post and I've I think few answers.

I treat roleplay as a relationship and as such you can't get along with everybody, whenever it would be their writing style, personality or post length, that doesn't mean you can't try and find link between you two, if it works good for you, if not well pity but there're other people who I can roleplay with.

Now regarding paragraphs issue.
I think sprinters and marathoner comparasion would work.
You see marathoners(people who write a lot) are simply better at longer distances, they have gone through exausting training, possibly they ran even more before they partipicate in race. So obviously they have better stamina, however some fall in trap of purple prose which is also considered as filler, their issues don't end up here they often end up overexplaining the stuff, that can be explained in few simple words.

Now sprinters(people who write less), they excel at short distances, they are incredibly fast too, however they are not as good as marathoners when it comes to long distances and their pacing isn't that good when it comes to longer distances.

What did I meant to achieve with that.
Each type of rper has it's advantages.
One could write amazing story in one paragraph while other could fail it when writing novella length posts. In no means quanity equals quality but it's possible to meet the ends meet.

Now I'm not saying that long posts are bad and short posts are good. However they have their use. For example short posts are perfect for fast paced action and scenes where fluidity is needed.
While Long posts are better for expositions, world building and maybe a intro.

As for other things I don't have answer.

Roleplay is meant to have fun cheers.
I understand how you feel. Going out on a limb and trusting people not to ghost is scary, especially when you've been down that road before. But seems like you have that burning urge to create. I say keep trying someone who's style you can click with. I wish you good luck. Your post is relatable.

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