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Forums » Smalltalk » What makes you confident-er?

So... I want to know what makes other feel...confident and comfortable. It's different for everyone. If it's something small or something huge, I ask that you share; I've also learned that being open about anything you love or anything you feel comfortable in helps boost you just a little.

Basically: post the things that make you comfortable, or feel confident!

I got this today and for some reason I've had a whole boost


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I am super glad you'd been able to get some support and confidence boosts <3 I love that skirt, flannel is such a lovely pattern and the corset lace type waist is just *chef kiss* :D

As for myself... Well it took a very long time for me to find things that make me feel confident. I've always been insecure about myself, plus size body, curly hair, and general masculine broadness to my shoulders and thick neck that I get from my dad, but... over time I figured out that I love these things about myself. I love in a somehow masculine and feminine style. I love being able to dress feminine one day, masculine the next, so I do!

I always feel more confident when my eye make up is done, when my hair is how I like it. When I got my mullet-mohawk cut, I instantly felt more confident and happy with myself. I still do. I love it!

In the past hiding myself is what used to make me comfortable but not confident, nowadays wearing whatever I want just for me, even if other people don't find it 'flattering' on me, makes me comfortable and confident because it's about me and not them.

I feel SUPER comfortable and confident in my leather vest I made myself :)

As for non-physical things...

Like my confidence in my talents, intelligence. I'm still working on that, but one thing that makes me feel confident in my work is looking back through it and seeing how much I've improved. Whenever I write a really emotional scene that actually makes people feel things, I always feel good about myself.
Mercyinreach wrote:
I am super glad you'd been able to get some support and confidence boosts <3 I love that skirt, flannel is such a lovely pattern and the corset lace type waist is just *chef kiss* :D

Feeling great is always great, though I'm not sure I'm quite used to it yet. I'll go out one day, and unlike before where I constantly adjusted something or avoided eye contact or kept worrying, I spent the entire day focusing on what I was doing, and then get home and be like "Woah, wait, I didn't adjust anything-" or something similar.

It's actually not a skirt; I didn't realise it until I read the description proper but it's a dress! The black top part is a part of it. I love the style which is exactly why I got it; I couldn't find it anywhere else and I got so giddy. It actually said it wasn't due until the 2nd of october; so it was a wonderful surprise.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I absolutely adore your mullet-hawk combined with the bright red. Aaa <3
That skirt is amazing and I want it > : o

Personally, I seriously struggled with confidence when I was younger, all throughout elementary to high school... I still struggle with it most days honestly.

But tbh, it's little things like my hair being freshly washed, or just a random good-mood day sometimes. I feel like I look better in certain fitting clothes than others (EX: for some reason, wearing sweaters that are huge on me is fine, but wearing regular sweatshirts, of the same size, doesn't? Wearing long sleeved shirts makes me feel better, but I feel weird about showing off my arms and am hyper aware of my own self when wearing short sleeves, etc. etc.), things like that.

What I can definitely say: Find little things to focus on, and just work on your confidence bit by bit. If it's physical lack of confidence (like I had 99% of an issue with when I was younger), then start with something you do like. For example, I've always liked my nose (it's big and has a strong-ish bridge, and I like it), so I started there, every time I looked in the mirror, I'd just focus on my nose and get a little happier with myself. And then I decided I kinda liked my eyes, focused on those, and oh wait I have a nice smile, focus on that, etc. etc. etc. bit by bit until I went "Heck yeah man, I'm fabulous".

if it's personality, then try something similar! Do you like your sense of humor? Your intelligence? Your friendship skills? Find something to focus on, appreciate it, move on. If you aren't sure about who you are / if you're confident in these areas, then try to figure out why and then grow; I know that I really lacked confidence in myself because I didn't have much social grace (still don't), but over time, I've figured out how to 'fake it til I make it' sort of thing (don't discredit it, that method actually got me through my physical insecurities lol); Every interaction is a chance to go "This could've gone better" and then work on it (though granted, there's definitely a fine line between 'focus on working on it' and 'overthink it', but that's an entire different essay worth of words x_x)

Gaining confidence isn't easy, it's a constant uphill battle, but once you figure out your rhythm with it, it's a whole heck of a lot easier to find the good days more often <3
StaticNightmares wrote:
Basically: post the things that make you comfortable, or feel confident!

I got this today and for some reason I've had a whole boost


Ahhhh YOU LOOK SO CUTE IN IT!!! Seriously awesome style!

I'm glad you get to go to those sessions. Healing is everybody's right and you certainly deserve to love yourself and feel confident!

It took me a really long time to find confidence. For me it was because I'd been in a situation similar to your own, and told I was crazy or never going to amount to anything. So I didn't trust myself. I read in a trauma workbook that part of getting to know yourself is taking yourself out like you would someone you're dating. Like going for walks in beautiful places, going to movies and out to eat alone. That sort of thing really helped me build a love for who I am and confidence and self trust followed soon after. Now I love having me time so much that I only allow people in my life who don't dim my shine whatsoever.

But it took me a good decade to get there and it took the kind of work you're already doing. So please if you'll accept my advice, be gentle with yourself. Let yourself take the journey at the pace you feel most comfortable. It took me a long time to learn that after everything that had been said and done to me, my inner voice didn't need to be as hurtful or impatient and cruel as theirs had been. We can be gentle and kind to ourselves like they should have been. You deserve nothing less than that.
Hi there 😊

I’m really glad you’re open to people’s advice. That takes guts, especially when you’re in your teens. As someone who has gone through a ton of issues in the past and not just overcoming them but thriving along with my study of Stoicism and all around self-help, I’d say I’m relatively qualified to give you some tips :)

One of my favourite books by ancient Roman slave Epictetus called The Enchiridion (the handbook) starts with a beautiful principle known as ‘The Dichotomy of Control’. Epictetus goes as follows:

“Some things are within our power, while others are not. Within our power are opinion, motivation, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is of our own doing; not within our power are our body, our property, reputation, office, and, in a word, whatever is not of our own doing.” (Enchiridion 1)

When gauging from the wisdom of Epictetus, it is clear that being concerned with other people’s opinions, thoughts and impressions of you, is simply foolish as they are not within your control. So simply directing your mind away from such things and towards what you can control (having a sense of accountability in mind for your choices) can really help with your confidence.

Another practice from Stoicism is known as ‘Premeditatio Malorum’ (negative visualisation) which essentially is the ability to recognise and expect the worse things to happen to you or other close people. A family member could die, heck, you could die the next day. By contemplating the worse possible things, don’t get caught up in feeling terrible but recognise how lucky you are to still be alive and well. This will give you increased confidence for when things like this do happen, you won’t be as disturbed. Remember, confidence isn’t ‘I will succeed’ but ‘I’ll be okay no matter what.’ A variation of negative visualisation I came across by Geofroi de Charney's ‘A Knight’s own Book of Chivalry’ has you contemplate the good and the bad so that you won’t be disturbed by the bad and see the good passingly. Stoicism deals with all kinds of self-esteem issues I’d recommend you look into if you really want to.

Also, make sure your morning routine is energetic and full of momentum. Get up early, shower cold if you can, meditate, exercise, etc. You’ll feel so much capable of handling anything throughout the day! I’d especially recommend cold showers (or Scottish showers, potentially) as going through such hardship first thing in the morning really kicks starts your day and boosts your confidence immeasurably.

Finally, just remember that life is suffering itself. There’ll always be death, disease and stress in this world. Regardless of how much you’d like to change it, there’ll always be pain and hardship. Recognise that despite all of the suffering you and so many others can and are going through, just remember to find meaning; all of what’s happened and what will happen will shape you into a fine human being. Some are lost in the fire, others are forged in it.

That’s all basically what I take to heart for my confidence :)

StaticNightmares wrote:

I got this today and for some reason I've had a whole boost



That is super cute.

And what makes me confident? Well, it's rather crass but whenever someone hits on me. I'm not the most attractive person on this earth so the event is rare, but when it happens, I can feel my confidence soar through the roof.

But what is bad is I tend to reciprocate... Even though I am very much spoken for.

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