This thread in Smalltalk is about smalltalk--I literally want to talk about smalltalk.
I waxed poetic there for a moment, but what I'm getting at is the idea that smalltalk, rather than being an end unto itself, is really a skill.
While conversations about the weather can surely be less interesting than conversations about, say, the meaning of life or time travel---if a conversation about the weather sets a room full of people at ease, or allows a successful first interaction between strangers, maybe it's not actually shallow at all.
My questions for you all are:
1. What are your feelings on smalltalk? Do you love it, do you hate it? Something in between? Any funny/interesting stories?
2. What techniques or topics have you found most effective at breaking the ice between people? What is the least effective?
Enjoy.~
Me, waxing poetic about my evolution on smalltalk
I used to think smalltalk was shallow, useless--something that the masses do, but not deep thinkers. Something that I was above doing. But now, as an adult, watching kids (some with disabilities) use it, I've come to realize that smalltalk has great utility and value that I never appreciated before.
I found it quite fascinating to see how successfully some kids were able to start and maintain meaningful conversations with adults (with whom they had little to nothing in common) simply by being good at four things: 1) talking about the weather, 2) knowing and talking about the last, or the next, big game on TV (here, it's usually football), 3) knowing and talking about things in the news (such as the Queen of England's death), and 4) talking about products or movies that are about to come out (such as the Mario Brothers movie, new editions of games, the new i-Phones, etc). Simply keeping up with and knowing about those four things gives anyone enough material to have a successful conversation with just about anyone else--kids and adults alike, college graduates and high schoolers alike.
I used to think smalltalk was shallow, useless--something that the masses do, but not deep thinkers. Something that I was above doing. But now, as an adult, watching kids (some with disabilities) use it, I've come to realize that smalltalk has great utility and value that I never appreciated before.
I found it quite fascinating to see how successfully some kids were able to start and maintain meaningful conversations with adults (with whom they had little to nothing in common) simply by being good at four things: 1) talking about the weather, 2) knowing and talking about the last, or the next, big game on TV (here, it's usually football), 3) knowing and talking about things in the news (such as the Queen of England's death), and 4) talking about products or movies that are about to come out (such as the Mario Brothers movie, new editions of games, the new i-Phones, etc). Simply keeping up with and knowing about those four things gives anyone enough material to have a successful conversation with just about anyone else--kids and adults alike, college graduates and high schoolers alike.
I waxed poetic there for a moment, but what I'm getting at is the idea that smalltalk, rather than being an end unto itself, is really a skill.
While conversations about the weather can surely be less interesting than conversations about, say, the meaning of life or time travel---if a conversation about the weather sets a room full of people at ease, or allows a successful first interaction between strangers, maybe it's not actually shallow at all.
My questions for you all are:
1. What are your feelings on smalltalk? Do you love it, do you hate it? Something in between? Any funny/interesting stories?
2. What techniques or topics have you found most effective at breaking the ice between people? What is the least effective?
Enjoy.~
I used to despise small talk, but now I realized that this is something that exists in every single culture and civilization for a reason: it's like a type of courtesy?
I always try to make small talk meaningful, and I realized that the most effective way, is to ask people questions about themselves or certain things. Not in a creepy or intrusive way (I don't mean asking them for their mother's maiden name), like during orientation, I sat next to a girl and we got to talking. She felt a lot more comfortable and also confident, because I appeared interested in what major she was taking and how long she's been at the campus. Because at first, she was really shy and quiet, but when I started asking her more about her major (psychology) she just turned into this entirely new person, and became more easy to talk to. In short, human beings love talking about themselves, so simply asking someone a few questions could really open up a lot of doors for you in terms of friendship. They'll feel flattered. That's just my experience though, it may be different in other cultures or countries.
Also, I noticed there's a slight difference when you're making small talk with cisgender males. I could be wrong but... according to Jordan Peterson, some cis males like to be asked questions about how to solve things, they don't like having conversations about "how do you feel about this"? If he feels like he has helped you figure something out, then he'll feel really accomplished. I know it's not a fact though, I could be wrong, I don't mean to be "presumptuous" or anything, it's just something I read and also noticed in real life, at least in my country.
Recently, it feels like you can't even have a conversation about the weather without arguing over climate change. You can't ask someone about their health without the topic of insurance and healthcare coming up. That's the sad part.
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely. See? Instead of arguing, I gave him a chance to get to know me better, and through our small talk, I changed his old fashioned views and I made a friend. So, my point is, small talk is just small talk, you could let it lead to friendship or just ignore it if you're uncomfortable. It's called SMALL talk for a reason, that person doesn't even know you, so just avoid them if you feel like the conversation is not helpful.
I always try to make small talk meaningful, and I realized that the most effective way, is to ask people questions about themselves or certain things. Not in a creepy or intrusive way (I don't mean asking them for their mother's maiden name), like during orientation, I sat next to a girl and we got to talking. She felt a lot more comfortable and also confident, because I appeared interested in what major she was taking and how long she's been at the campus. Because at first, she was really shy and quiet, but when I started asking her more about her major (psychology) she just turned into this entirely new person, and became more easy to talk to. In short, human beings love talking about themselves, so simply asking someone a few questions could really open up a lot of doors for you in terms of friendship. They'll feel flattered. That's just my experience though, it may be different in other cultures or countries.
Also, I noticed there's a slight difference when you're making small talk with cisgender males. I could be wrong but... according to Jordan Peterson, some cis males like to be asked questions about how to solve things, they don't like having conversations about "how do you feel about this"? If he feels like he has helped you figure something out, then he'll feel really accomplished. I know it's not a fact though, I could be wrong, I don't mean to be "presumptuous" or anything, it's just something I read and also noticed in real life, at least in my country.
Recently, it feels like you can't even have a conversation about the weather without arguing over climate change. You can't ask someone about their health without the topic of insurance and healthcare coming up. That's the sad part.
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely. See? Instead of arguing, I gave him a chance to get to know me better, and through our small talk, I changed his old fashioned views and I made a friend. So, my point is, small talk is just small talk, you could let it lead to friendship or just ignore it if you're uncomfortable. It's called SMALL talk for a reason, that person doesn't even know you, so just avoid them if you feel like the conversation is not helpful.
Aya wrote:
I used to despise small talk, but now I realized that this is something that exists in every single culture and civilization for a reason: it's like a type of courtesy?
I always try to make small talk meaningful, and I realized that the most effective way, is to ask people questions about themselves or certain things. Not in a creepy or intrusive way (I don't mean asking them for their mother's maiden name), like during orientation, I sat next to a girl and we got to talking. She felt a lot more comfortable and also confident, because I appeared interested in what major she was taking and how long she's been at the campus. Because at first, she was really shy and quiet, but when I started asking her more about her major (psychology) she just turned into this entirely new person, and became more easy to talk to. In short, human beings love talking about themselves, so simply asking someone a few questions could really open up a lot of doors for you in terms of friendship. They'll feel flattered. That's just my experience though, it may be different in other cultures or countries.
Also, I noticed there's a slight difference when you're making small talk with cisgender males. I could be wrong but... according to Jordan Peterson, some cis males like to be asked questions about how to solve things, they don't like having conversations about "how do you feel about this"? If he feels like he has helped you figure something out, then he'll feel really accomplished. I know it's not a fact though, I could be wrong, I don't mean to be "presumptuous" or anything, it's just something I read and also noticed in real life, at least in my country.
Recently, it feels like you can't even have a conversation about the weather without arguing over climate change. You can't ask someone about their health without the topic of insurance and healthcare coming up. That's the sad part.
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely. See? Instead of arguing, I gave him a chance to get to know me better, and through our small talk, I changed his old fashioned views and I made a friend. So, my point is, small talk is just small talk, you could let it lead to friendship or just ignore it if you're uncomfortable. It's called SMALL talk for a reason, that person doesn't even know you, so just avoid them if you feel like the conversation is not helpful.
I always try to make small talk meaningful, and I realized that the most effective way, is to ask people questions about themselves or certain things. Not in a creepy or intrusive way (I don't mean asking them for their mother's maiden name), like during orientation, I sat next to a girl and we got to talking. She felt a lot more comfortable and also confident, because I appeared interested in what major she was taking and how long she's been at the campus. Because at first, she was really shy and quiet, but when I started asking her more about her major (psychology) she just turned into this entirely new person, and became more easy to talk to. In short, human beings love talking about themselves, so simply asking someone a few questions could really open up a lot of doors for you in terms of friendship. They'll feel flattered. That's just my experience though, it may be different in other cultures or countries.
Also, I noticed there's a slight difference when you're making small talk with cisgender males. I could be wrong but... according to Jordan Peterson, some cis males like to be asked questions about how to solve things, they don't like having conversations about "how do you feel about this"? If he feels like he has helped you figure something out, then he'll feel really accomplished. I know it's not a fact though, I could be wrong, I don't mean to be "presumptuous" or anything, it's just something I read and also noticed in real life, at least in my country.
Recently, it feels like you can't even have a conversation about the weather without arguing over climate change. You can't ask someone about their health without the topic of insurance and healthcare coming up. That's the sad part.
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely. See? Instead of arguing, I gave him a chance to get to know me better, and through our small talk, I changed his old fashioned views and I made a friend. So, my point is, small talk is just small talk, you could let it lead to friendship or just ignore it if you're uncomfortable. It's called SMALL talk for a reason, that person doesn't even know you, so just avoid them if you feel like the conversation is not helpful.
Those are great tips. I couldn't agree more. My best friend (a total extrovert) used to tell me, "Remember, interested is interesting. If you're interested in them, they will find you interesting."
One time I tried her method and kept asking someone questions about their garden, because they were super into gardening. Only problem is I can't grow anything so I didn't really know what they were talking about so I got bored. When I told my friend this, she was like, "No, no. You can't just pretend to be interested, you've got to ask them questions that you really want to know the answer to!"
Lol.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Abigail_Austin wrote:
The idea that smalltalk, rather than being an end unto itself, is really a skill.
I will start responding to this by highlighting this line out of everything you said. I agree with you, I really think it is a skill. Sadly, it is not a skill I possess, as I struggle making conversation with anyone I haven't met before until I can actually find the touching stones and similarities between us that I can work with.
I too always disliked small talk. In the first place because just like you, it felt like it was less than a meaningful conversation, that it was incredibly dull and uninteresting. For the most part I still feel that way, and I usually tend to feel like it is a huge waste of time. I feel like that time can better be spent on something else that will be more rewarding or enjoyable.
Still, I have learned to enjoy the occasional small talk. Kids are fun people to have small talk with because their small talk tends to be far more entertaining than that of adults. The other day I heard a kid say that he thought the sun went down to sleep in a hallway every night because the Dutch word "gang" means hallway and "zonsondergang" means sundown. We had to explain to him that it was figure of speech and that it wasn't a real hallway. Those things do not tend to come up as easily in deeper conversations.
In my experience, the most effective way of breaking the ice between people is playing a board or card game. Of course, this isn't always easy in any situation, but if the setting lends itself to it this is my top recommendation in order to get yourselves talking. Another effective way of communication is complimenting something about them. This could be their smile or their laugh but is preferably something they had a say in and made a choice for such as an item of clothing or shoes they are wearing, a hairstyle, their make-up, their perfume. This usually gives you a good topic of conversation to talk about for a few minutes and that will open up the path to further conversation.
As for the least effective, definitely coming off too strong and interjecting yourself into a conversation before an opening appears.
Long story short, good communication skills are hard to learn and hard to come by. Social interaction is hard. Don't beat yourself up when things go awry and learn from awkward experiences so that you can adjust your decisions in future encounters.
Thank you, this is an interesting perspective.
For me, smalltalk is a tool to gauge a person’s general mood towards me and the day in general, before opening more serious topics. However, I’m glad I don’t live in the USA because when it’s used with random people where in-depth cooperation will never really be needed or desired, it’s uselessly spent energy from my perspective.
I don’t generally care about the same topics as other people, so I do not keep up to date on them. That’s not a big problem, because people are generally happy to do the talking if one expresses interest in finding out more about their opinions on some new film or gadget.
I fully agree with the following:
I’d say don’t get offended too easily but don’t react timidly either.
Don’t be disinterested in the other person if you do agree to have some smalltalk with them. If you are disinterested and it’s a casual contact, just don’t participate the smalltalk at all.
For me, smalltalk is a tool to gauge a person’s general mood towards me and the day in general, before opening more serious topics. However, I’m glad I don’t live in the USA because when it’s used with random people where in-depth cooperation will never really be needed or desired, it’s uselessly spent energy from my perspective.
I don’t generally care about the same topics as other people, so I do not keep up to date on them. That’s not a big problem, because people are generally happy to do the talking if one expresses interest in finding out more about their opinions on some new film or gadget.
I fully agree with the following:
Aya wrote:
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely.
I’d say don’t get offended too easily but don’t react timidly either.
Don’t be disinterested in the other person if you do agree to have some smalltalk with them. If you are disinterested and it’s a casual contact, just don’t participate the smalltalk at all.
I'll start off by saying very well said - I especially liked the fact that
I work in customer service, so small talk is very much my job! And honestly... I love it! I'm an extrovert anyway, and I do my best to come across as interested in the other person; genuinely caring goes a long way. I like that people get passionate about their hobbies, and it's nice to listen to! I very much care about making the other person feel comfortable speaking to me, as a main priority.
For me, it's all about making a connection with that other person. I don't know them, but I'm the type who's happy to - and frequently does - start conversations with random strangers in the street. Annoying to some, I know! I try to make sure that I know they're open to it, first.
Anyway, if I don't know them, I'll tend to hedge around any serious topics, just out of respect. But I've noticed that sometimes a bit of a chat about the latest TV show or that weird thing going on in the town centre can really brighten someone's day. I guess it's that being able to connect on something, and giving someone a sense of not being alone? Or maybe it's not as deep as that lol.
Most likely, I'm just hopelessly jejune, haha.
Quote:
smalltalk has great utility and value that I never appreciated before.
I work in customer service, so small talk is very much my job! And honestly... I love it! I'm an extrovert anyway, and I do my best to come across as interested in the other person; genuinely caring goes a long way. I like that people get passionate about their hobbies, and it's nice to listen to! I very much care about making the other person feel comfortable speaking to me, as a main priority.
For me, it's all about making a connection with that other person. I don't know them, but I'm the type who's happy to - and frequently does - start conversations with random strangers in the street. Annoying to some, I know! I try to make sure that I know they're open to it, first.
Anyway, if I don't know them, I'll tend to hedge around any serious topics, just out of respect. But I've noticed that sometimes a bit of a chat about the latest TV show or that weird thing going on in the town centre can really brighten someone's day. I guess it's that being able to connect on something, and giving someone a sense of not being alone? Or maybe it's not as deep as that lol.
Most likely, I'm just hopelessly jejune, haha.
That was very insightful and interesting. Thanks, Syl. And also, that story about what the kid said is cute. Lmao. I agree, kid convos are more entertaining. Really good tips, too. The complimenting thing, yeah, I use it all the time, indeed. The card game thing--hm, that's a good idea.
I will start responding to this by highlighting this line out of everything you said. I agree with you, I really think it is a skill. Sadly, it is not a skill I possess, as I struggle making conversation with anyone I haven't met before until I can actually find the touching stones and similarities between us that I can work with.
I too always disliked small talk. In the first place because just like you, it felt like it was less than a meaningful conversation, that it was incredibly dull and uninteresting. For the most part I still feel that way, and I usually tend to feel like it is a huge waste of time. I feel like that time can better be spent on something else that will be more rewarding or enjoyable.
Still, I have learned to enjoy the occasional small talk. Kids are fun people to have small talk with because their small talk tends to be far more entertaining than that of adults. The other day I heard a kid say that he thought the sun went down to sleep in a hallway every night because the Dutch word "gang" means hallway and "zonsondergang" means sundown. We had to explain to him that it was figure of speech and that it wasn't a real hallway. Those things do not tend to come up as easily in deeper conversations.
In my experience, the most effective way of breaking the ice between people is playing a board or card game. Of course, this isn't always easy in any situation, but if the setting lends itself to it this is my top recommendation in order to get yourselves talking. Another effective way of communication is complimenting something about them. This could be their smile or their laugh but is preferably something they had a say in and made a choice for such as an item of clothing or shoes they are wearing, a hairstyle, their make-up, their perfume. This usually gives you a good topic of conversation to talk about for a few minutes and that will open up the path to further conversation.
As for the least effective, definitely coming off too strong and interjecting yourself into a conversation before an opening appears.
Long story short, good communication skills are hard to learn and hard to come by. Social interaction is hard. Don't beat yourself up when things go awry and learn from awkward experiences so that you can adjust your decisions in future encounters.
SylOfficial wrote:
Abigail_Austin wrote:
The idea that smalltalk, rather than being an end unto itself, is really a skill.
I will start responding to this by highlighting this line out of everything you said. I agree with you, I really think it is a skill. Sadly, it is not a skill I possess, as I struggle making conversation with anyone I haven't met before until I can actually find the touching stones and similarities between us that I can work with.
I too always disliked small talk. In the first place because just like you, it felt like it was less than a meaningful conversation, that it was incredibly dull and uninteresting. For the most part I still feel that way, and I usually tend to feel like it is a huge waste of time. I feel like that time can better be spent on something else that will be more rewarding or enjoyable.
Still, I have learned to enjoy the occasional small talk. Kids are fun people to have small talk with because their small talk tends to be far more entertaining than that of adults. The other day I heard a kid say that he thought the sun went down to sleep in a hallway every night because the Dutch word "gang" means hallway and "zonsondergang" means sundown. We had to explain to him that it was figure of speech and that it wasn't a real hallway. Those things do not tend to come up as easily in deeper conversations.
In my experience, the most effective way of breaking the ice between people is playing a board or card game. Of course, this isn't always easy in any situation, but if the setting lends itself to it this is my top recommendation in order to get yourselves talking. Another effective way of communication is complimenting something about them. This could be their smile or their laugh but is preferably something they had a say in and made a choice for such as an item of clothing or shoes they are wearing, a hairstyle, their make-up, their perfume. This usually gives you a good topic of conversation to talk about for a few minutes and that will open up the path to further conversation.
As for the least effective, definitely coming off too strong and interjecting yourself into a conversation before an opening appears.
Long story short, good communication skills are hard to learn and hard to come by. Social interaction is hard. Don't beat yourself up when things go awry and learn from awkward experiences so that you can adjust your decisions in future encounters.
You're quite welcome.
Ah yes, that's interesting--I have indeed heard that in the United States we small talk with people casually in the street or on public transportation more than people do in Europe. And that we share deeper things, and that people from Europe just don't understand why in the world we are talking about our hopes and dreams with that man we just met on the bus, or something. 😆
I get such a kick out of watching some of those "culture clash" videos on YouTube where an American lives in Europe for a year or vice versa, and what they notice.
Thanks for the comment.
Ah yes, that's interesting--I have indeed heard that in the United States we small talk with people casually in the street or on public transportation more than people do in Europe. And that we share deeper things, and that people from Europe just don't understand why in the world we are talking about our hopes and dreams with that man we just met on the bus, or something. 😆
I get such a kick out of watching some of those "culture clash" videos on YouTube where an American lives in Europe for a year or vice versa, and what they notice.
Thanks for the comment.
Alecia wrote:
Thank you, this is an interesting perspective.
For me, smalltalk is a tool to gauge a person’s general mood towards me and the day in general, before opening more serious topics. However, I’m glad I don’t live in the USA because when it’s used with random people where in-depth cooperation will never really be needed or desired, it’s uselessly spent energy from my perspective.
I don’t generally care about the same topics as other people, so I do not keep up to date on them. That’s not a big problem, because people are generally happy to do the talking if one expresses interest in finding out more about their opinions on some new film or gadget.
I fully agree with the following:
I’d say don’t get offended too easily but don’t react timidly either.
Don’t be disinterested in the other person if you do agree to have some smalltalk with them. If you are disinterested and it’s a casual contact, just don’t participate the smalltalk at all.
For me, smalltalk is a tool to gauge a person’s general mood towards me and the day in general, before opening more serious topics. However, I’m glad I don’t live in the USA because when it’s used with random people where in-depth cooperation will never really be needed or desired, it’s uselessly spent energy from my perspective.
I don’t generally care about the same topics as other people, so I do not keep up to date on them. That’s not a big problem, because people are generally happy to do the talking if one expresses interest in finding out more about their opinions on some new film or gadget.
I fully agree with the following:
Aya wrote:
Also, nobody likes someone that gets ticked off at the tiniest comment. I was at the gym once, and this guy walked up to me for small talk, and said he doesn't like female boxers, he thinks women shouldn't fight at all. I didn't get mad, I just shrugged and said: "That's fine, my mother and sister don't like me fighting either, and they're women." And now we're really close friends, believe it or not, and he told me that I've changed his view on female fighters entirely.
I’d say don’t get offended too easily but don’t react timidly either.
Don’t be disinterested in the other person if you do agree to have some smalltalk with them. If you are disinterested and it’s a casual contact, just don’t participate the smalltalk at all.
_Skylark_ wrote:
But I've noticed that sometimes a bit of a chat about the latest TV show or that weird thing going on in the town centre can really brighten someone's day. I guess it's that being able to connect on something, and giving someone a sense of not being alone? Or maybe it's not as deep as that lol.
Most likely, I'm just hopelessly jejune, haha.
As an introvert and a lonely person in general, trust me--people like you do indeed brighten our world. You're absolutely correct that connecting over something trivial CAN give people the sense of not being alone, and it IS as deep as that, sometimes. Trust me.
And, yeah, maybe sometimes people are just mumbling along but, all I can say is, it matters to me when even people I'll never meet again try to connect a lil bit. Makes the world seem less cold. So I love it that you do that. Thank gosh for extroverts.
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