So, this is a bit of a specific question, and I'm not sure where it belongs other than the smalltalk forum. We've all been ghosted by someone at some point, and I'd say it's a fair bet we've all ghosted someone at some point as well. We all know it's a rather unpleasant way to end an RP, regardless of whether it's due to life happening, social anxiety, or simply the offending person not knowing how to say "I'm not interested any more." I have a question with regards to what happens after the ghosting has happened.
Say you've been ghosted by someone when you started RPing on a certain prompt. If the person who ghosted you starts posting in the LFRP forums with similar prompts to the one you failed to do together, would it be considered rude to express interest in those new prompts, considering the other person didn't seem to be interested in your RP the last time you did something like that together?
Similarly, if you ghost someone on a certain prompt, is it rude at all to start posting in the LFRP forums with similar prompts to the one you just stopped responding to? How much time should pass between the end of the first RP and the return to the LFRP forums?
Say you've been ghosted by someone when you started RPing on a certain prompt. If the person who ghosted you starts posting in the LFRP forums with similar prompts to the one you failed to do together, would it be considered rude to express interest in those new prompts, considering the other person didn't seem to be interested in your RP the last time you did something like that together?
Similarly, if you ghost someone on a certain prompt, is it rude at all to start posting in the LFRP forums with similar prompts to the one you just stopped responding to? How much time should pass between the end of the first RP and the return to the LFRP forums?
So, this is my personal opinion on the matter, but I hope it's useful to you anyway.
If I had been ghosted on, and saw the person posting a prompt similar to our RP in the LFRP section, there are different things I would do, depending on the circumstances. If it's been a long time since the last post to our RP(say, 6 months or so), I would just not do anything, and accept that a RP with that person wouldn't be happening.
If the last post came a short time ago(a month or two), I'd write a friendly message to the other player, and ask what's up. Perhaps they were afraid to message you about something they would like to change about your RP, and it can come back on track. If they don't respond to that message, or write you back that they want to terminate the RP, then at least you will have some sort of closure. But I can't think of a time where I would post in their forum containing the same idea.
Generally, I think it's rude to ghost people in general - regardless if you start looking for new players or not. Yes, I've ghosted other players, but mostly it's been accidental ghosting on my part(polishes halo). Like, I open a post and think "I need to get back to that." and wuptidoo, it's been 2 months, life happened and I haven't posted. When this happens, I always try to write the other player a message, telling them I am sorry if they felt like I was ghosting on them. 9/10 times, people actually appreciate that. If I don't want to take the RP up again, I let them know in a nice way that it's over, and give them a reason. And you don't have to write a long, heartfelt message about how your left sock caught tuberculosis or anything, just give them a reason. I generally think that we owe this courtesy to other players, who probably spent a good time writing the posts for us, and maybe even spent time wondering why we wouldn't post back. If it's because the RP isn't working out for you, tell the other player so. Again, friendliness is the key to this, you shouldn't hurt the other player.
If you do tell the other player, that the RP isn't working out for you, and you want to end it, then I think you can go right ahead and look for another player without feeling bad about it. However, if you tell the other player that you are terminating because of life happening, then I would probably give it at least a few weeks before creating a LFRP forum.
I hope my input was useful to you!
If I had been ghosted on, and saw the person posting a prompt similar to our RP in the LFRP section, there are different things I would do, depending on the circumstances. If it's been a long time since the last post to our RP(say, 6 months or so), I would just not do anything, and accept that a RP with that person wouldn't be happening.
If the last post came a short time ago(a month or two), I'd write a friendly message to the other player, and ask what's up. Perhaps they were afraid to message you about something they would like to change about your RP, and it can come back on track. If they don't respond to that message, or write you back that they want to terminate the RP, then at least you will have some sort of closure. But I can't think of a time where I would post in their forum containing the same idea.
Generally, I think it's rude to ghost people in general - regardless if you start looking for new players or not. Yes, I've ghosted other players, but mostly it's been accidental ghosting on my part(polishes halo). Like, I open a post and think "I need to get back to that." and wuptidoo, it's been 2 months, life happened and I haven't posted. When this happens, I always try to write the other player a message, telling them I am sorry if they felt like I was ghosting on them. 9/10 times, people actually appreciate that. If I don't want to take the RP up again, I let them know in a nice way that it's over, and give them a reason. And you don't have to write a long, heartfelt message about how your left sock caught tuberculosis or anything, just give them a reason. I generally think that we owe this courtesy to other players, who probably spent a good time writing the posts for us, and maybe even spent time wondering why we wouldn't post back. If it's because the RP isn't working out for you, tell the other player so. Again, friendliness is the key to this, you shouldn't hurt the other player.
If you do tell the other player, that the RP isn't working out for you, and you want to end it, then I think you can go right ahead and look for another player without feeling bad about it. However, if you tell the other player that you are terminating because of life happening, then I would probably give it at least a few weeks before creating a LFRP forum.
I hope my input was useful to you!
I think everything Penholder said sounds perfect. I would recommend exactly the same thing--sending a really friendly follow up message in the roleplay instead of posting in their LFRP ad.
I have to say, something interesting happened to me by accident that relates to this question.
One time, a long time ago, someone ghosted me during the planning stages of a roleplay, but I forgot that they ghosted me. I was really new, and I didn't know what I was doing. Well...I literally didn't notice, and months later, I saw an ad up that was somewhat similar to the one that had led me to their profile the first time, and, forgetting that we had ever planned a role-play together, I replied to the ad.
Well, they remembered that they ghosted me and were like, "Hey there, sorry I ghosted you, it was a stressful time and now it's better so let's try it again."
And now they're one of my best friends on this website.
Also, I was much more flexible the second time around on what I was willing to RP, so I think that's another reason it worked better the second time around. And I was more coherent in what I was asking for, and more specific in my suggestions.
But what I'm saying is, no matter what you do, if you do it with a friendly tone, it'll probably be alright.
I have to say, something interesting happened to me by accident that relates to this question.
One time, a long time ago, someone ghosted me during the planning stages of a roleplay, but I forgot that they ghosted me. I was really new, and I didn't know what I was doing. Well...I literally didn't notice, and months later, I saw an ad up that was somewhat similar to the one that had led me to their profile the first time, and, forgetting that we had ever planned a role-play together, I replied to the ad.
Well, they remembered that they ghosted me and were like, "Hey there, sorry I ghosted you, it was a stressful time and now it's better so let's try it again."
And now they're one of my best friends on this website.
Also, I was much more flexible the second time around on what I was willing to RP, so I think that's another reason it worked better the second time around. And I was more coherent in what I was asking for, and more specific in my suggestions.
But what I'm saying is, no matter what you do, if you do it with a friendly tone, it'll probably be alright.
I personally cannot recall a single instance of having ghosted someone. It's obviously a rude thing to do, and it is something you wouldn't do in real life probably, so why you'd do it online is beyond me.
I have been ghosted before, and I typically will just ignore it if someone posts they are looking for the same topic they just ghosted me on. I figure that they are done with our RP more often than not, and I just let it go.
I have been ghosted before, and I typically will just ignore it if someone posts they are looking for the same topic they just ghosted me on. I figure that they are done with our RP more often than not, and I just let it go.
Malachite wrote:
would it be considered rude to express interest
Rude compared to what, ghosting? Your energy would be better spent on someone who treats others as they'd wish to be treated, but if you must, go with something optimistic and constructive ("Let me know what I could do to help you enjoy our next RP as much as I enjoyed our last one!"), if you're lucky they won't reply.
If you did the ghosting, just make the new ad right away: if it was your prompt you deserve to find the right partner, and if you're cutting someone else out of their own prompt it's really rude no matter when you do it. Either way, you don't need to worry about being polite anymore. Hope this helps!
I try not to take ghosting personally, I prefer to assume something came up, life happened, they just got distracted. And sometimes out the blue, months after i've given up an rp as over the person will message me, but yeah.. most of the time? they don't and i'm too cowardly to contact them and ask why unless it's an rp I was really desperate to continue.
Sometimes I admit, I worry about the other person, especially if we'd been rping for a while and then they poofed. If they poof after a few posts I usually think "okay, well life came up or they didn't like my style, whatevs" but if it's been several weeks/months of play and they suddenly poof I think "oh no, are they okay?!" and then i'm more likely to message and ask if everything's okay.
I would prefer people told me the rp wasn't working, I mean, understandably sometimes styles don't mesh but I will admit i'm also too "nice" to cut out on people and will slog on with an rp i'm not enjoying out of a sense of obligation. Oops? I mean that's probably bad too but I dunno, I just don't know how to tell someone "this isn't working" without hurting their feelings.
just abandoning them though is too rude, I can't do that to other people. I just.. I just can't. I know they'll see me on the other forums and take it personally, I know I would. I'd be all "jerk."
I don't wanna be a jerk.
But yeah, if I saw someone I had had drop off the earth on me posting again, I think it'd depend on how we parted. If we got an intro in and they just dropped off the planet I might pm them saying "hi! remember me? Would you like to pick up where we left off?" and see what they say. But I admit, I might assume I just wasn't "good enough" for them.
I think that's why I dislike ghosting so much, it leaves so many unanswered questions. What'd I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work?
sometimes two writers just don't gel, but knowing what it was that turned them off might help avoid it happening again in other rps you know?
But at the same time, I admit, I live in fear every time I start a new rp with someone I don't know who I think might be a bit better than me
Every reply I click expecting it to be "eugh, this isn't working i'm out." hahah, i'm a neurotic mess obviously.
Sometimes I admit, I worry about the other person, especially if we'd been rping for a while and then they poofed. If they poof after a few posts I usually think "okay, well life came up or they didn't like my style, whatevs" but if it's been several weeks/months of play and they suddenly poof I think "oh no, are they okay?!" and then i'm more likely to message and ask if everything's okay.
I would prefer people told me the rp wasn't working, I mean, understandably sometimes styles don't mesh but I will admit i'm also too "nice" to cut out on people and will slog on with an rp i'm not enjoying out of a sense of obligation. Oops? I mean that's probably bad too but I dunno, I just don't know how to tell someone "this isn't working" without hurting their feelings.
just abandoning them though is too rude, I can't do that to other people. I just.. I just can't. I know they'll see me on the other forums and take it personally, I know I would. I'd be all "jerk."
I don't wanna be a jerk.
But yeah, if I saw someone I had had drop off the earth on me posting again, I think it'd depend on how we parted. If we got an intro in and they just dropped off the planet I might pm them saying "hi! remember me? Would you like to pick up where we left off?" and see what they say. But I admit, I might assume I just wasn't "good enough" for them.
I think that's why I dislike ghosting so much, it leaves so many unanswered questions. What'd I do wrong? What could I have done to make it work?
sometimes two writers just don't gel, but knowing what it was that turned them off might help avoid it happening again in other rps you know?
But at the same time, I admit, I live in fear every time I start a new rp with someone I don't know who I think might be a bit better than me
Every reply I click expecting it to be "eugh, this isn't working i'm out." hahah, i'm a neurotic mess obviously.
Purple_monkfish wrote:
But at the same time, I admit, I live in fear every time I start a new rp with someone I don't know who I think might be a bit better than me Every reply I click expecting it to be "eugh, this isn't working i'm out." hahah, i'm a neurotic mess obviously.
Every reply I click expecting it to be "eugh, this isn't working i'm out." hahah, i'm a neurotic mess obviously.Oh man, I’m the same way, just change “every time I start a new RP with someone who I think might be better than me” to “every time I start a new RP, period.” I love roleplaying, but man does starting off rev up my anxiety...
Thanks to everyone who’s replied so far! Your insight is invaluable and I’ve gotten some answers to my questions.
I have done it. I have had it done to. I try not to much anymore; I have gotten very good at just swallowing my anxiety and sending a "Hey, this isn't working out I'm sorry but I'd like to end the RP" and ignore them if they try to pressure me into continuing.
But as for etiquette...
If I ghost someone because for whatever reason I'm not enjoying their character, our writing styles don't match up, just find myself not wanting to write with them anymore, I'm not feeling my own character or idea, and I'm too scared to tell them, I'll usually just message someone else who messaged me about my forum idea; as opposed to reposting the idea.
I usually get multiple people interested in my stuff and if I chose someone, I send the others I still find interesting a "I've already got someone, but if it doesn't work out I'll let you know because I really like your character/idea".
So if I have other people who I know are interested, I'll just send them a message and start something with them if they are still interested.
If not, I usually give myself time to figure out if it's really the RPer I'm just not enjoying writing with or I just don't like the idea that much. If I still really like the idea after a week and have confirmed I'm just not interested in RPing with the person anymore, I'll bump my forum post to find someone else again if there's no one already in my 'interested' folder of my inbox.
If I'm ghosted, yeah in the past it kind of sucked to see someone not reply to the RP for two weeks and then see them bumping their forum post still looking for someone for the RP - but I've learned to get over it if we had only just started rping.
If it's someone I've been talking to OOC for months, and the RP has like 300 messages, yeah I'll be messaging them and asking them what's up and if they're not interested anymore.
If it's someone I just started rping with and the RP has barely gotten anywhere, I'll either archive their message and the RP without saying anything until they do, or I'll send them a message asking if they'd like to end the RP.
I will say that often times if I'm not interested in Rping with someone anymore, it's the idea and not the person. I often end up deleting the entire character.
But as for etiquette...
If I ghost someone because for whatever reason I'm not enjoying their character, our writing styles don't match up, just find myself not wanting to write with them anymore, I'm not feeling my own character or idea, and I'm too scared to tell them, I'll usually just message someone else who messaged me about my forum idea; as opposed to reposting the idea.
I usually get multiple people interested in my stuff and if I chose someone, I send the others I still find interesting a "I've already got someone, but if it doesn't work out I'll let you know because I really like your character/idea".
So if I have other people who I know are interested, I'll just send them a message and start something with them if they are still interested.
If not, I usually give myself time to figure out if it's really the RPer I'm just not enjoying writing with or I just don't like the idea that much. If I still really like the idea after a week and have confirmed I'm just not interested in RPing with the person anymore, I'll bump my forum post to find someone else again if there's no one already in my 'interested' folder of my inbox.
If I'm ghosted, yeah in the past it kind of sucked to see someone not reply to the RP for two weeks and then see them bumping their forum post still looking for someone for the RP - but I've learned to get over it if we had only just started rping.
If it's someone I've been talking to OOC for months, and the RP has like 300 messages, yeah I'll be messaging them and asking them what's up and if they're not interested anymore.
If it's someone I just started rping with and the RP has barely gotten anywhere, I'll either archive their message and the RP without saying anything until they do, or I'll send them a message asking if they'd like to end the RP.
I will say that often times if I'm not interested in Rping with someone anymore, it's the idea and not the person. I often end up deleting the entire character.
I'm probably the unpopular opinion here, but someone else already stated close to what I feel.
In OP's case, if someone completely exits your RP after one week -- and in another week asks for the same role to be filled, you absolutely have the choice to message them and ask. If you need closure, ask for it.
Someone may have simply forgotten about a thread they opened on accident. What if they intended to reply the same day and walked away and their browser closed? That message would be open, but there'd be no further alert to see.
Even if it's over, you can say you tried and move on peacefully.
There are so many factors that go into 'ghosting.' Many we don't consider, because we simply don't want to.
Unpopular Opinion
I feel like there's a huge stigma towards ghosting because it's 'rude;' however, sometimes it isn't intentional and it's often taken far too personally. Why?
I understand that there's time invested, but that's by our choice. We chose to invest in that person and that moment because we valued it. What purpose does it serve to hate someone for moving on? For tending to their own life outside of RP?
I always see so many individuals post about how OOC/IC should never be mixed together; yet, the moment someone removes themselves from an IC situation, there's suddenly a huge OOC implication.
Yes, we get attached to RPs, but it's our own business to take care of ourselves. I worry about my partner's absence and hope they will return when they're ready and full of inspiration. If something is worth it to you -- you'll wait. It's just natural.
It's easy to move on and not easy to actively 'dislike' someone, or push the energy into negative context. It's taxing on ourselves and our mentality. I imagine it's probably pretty taxing for people with severe social anxiety to approach individuals who constantly preach, "I hate ghosting. Hate it and the players. Rude."
What if that person found themselves too attached, or too scared to separate themselves in a way you would consider to be normal, or polite? Instead of supporting others, we detach from them and make it known that they're not worth our time in the future. It's a bit sad.
I feel like there's a huge stigma towards ghosting because it's 'rude;' however, sometimes it isn't intentional and it's often taken far too personally. Why?
I understand that there's time invested, but that's by our choice. We chose to invest in that person and that moment because we valued it. What purpose does it serve to hate someone for moving on? For tending to their own life outside of RP?
I always see so many individuals post about how OOC/IC should never be mixed together; yet, the moment someone removes themselves from an IC situation, there's suddenly a huge OOC implication.
Yes, we get attached to RPs, but it's our own business to take care of ourselves. I worry about my partner's absence and hope they will return when they're ready and full of inspiration. If something is worth it to you -- you'll wait. It's just natural.
It's easy to move on and not easy to actively 'dislike' someone, or push the energy into negative context. It's taxing on ourselves and our mentality. I imagine it's probably pretty taxing for people with severe social anxiety to approach individuals who constantly preach, "I hate ghosting. Hate it and the players. Rude."
What if that person found themselves too attached, or too scared to separate themselves in a way you would consider to be normal, or polite? Instead of supporting others, we detach from them and make it known that they're not worth our time in the future. It's a bit sad.
In OP's case, if someone completely exits your RP after one week -- and in another week asks for the same role to be filled, you absolutely have the choice to message them and ask. If you need closure, ask for it.
Someone may have simply forgotten about a thread they opened on accident. What if they intended to reply the same day and walked away and their browser closed? That message would be open, but there'd be no further alert to see.
Even if it's over, you can say you tried and move on peacefully.
There are so many factors that go into 'ghosting.' Many we don't consider, because we simply don't want to.
More Unpopular Opinions
As far as... 'ghosting' doesn't happen in real life. Yeah, it does. There are memes about it everywhere.
As far as... 'ghosting' doesn't happen in real life. Yeah, it does. There are memes about it everywhere.
In the context of RP, it depends on how closely our characters are inter-related in the storyline. If they are like comets, occasionally crossing paths, then I am not so bothered. If it is a character who I am in a long-term plot with that gets stuck if they just disappear? I'll be a tad bit more peeved, but, sooner or later I'll just write the end to the plot myself. If the character comes back, great, let's pick up where we left off - perhaps with some wiggling as to why they were absent. If not? My character will move on.
I do not treat ghosting in RP the same way that I do in the dating or friendship context, depending on how well I know the person OOC.
I do not treat ghosting in RP the same way that I do in the dating or friendship context, depending on how well I know the person OOC.
It's good that real-life ghosting was brought up, that definition (obviously ignoring someone as you carry on like nothing happened) is probably the right one, and being hurt about it is human.
Roleplayers have allowed their meaning of the word to expand thanks to the hard work of poor communicators who attach blame to misunderstandings, and manipulative sorts trying to guilt partners out of their comfort zones. Much defense of "ghosting", including here, is really just pushing back against these kinds of things and rightly so; I'd say far fewer are in it just to ditch as they please. (Some of their excuses might even be fair, but that's a whole other thread.)
The OP mainly asked what to do after a ghosting, but I'd agree an important zeroth step is to make sure it actually happened. Someone going MIA isn't ghosting, drifting apart isn't ghosting, someone you barely know going back to the drawing board isn't ghosting, etc. Communicate! Some patience and perspective can spare you a ton of bad vibes.
If you're the one about to do the ghosting... it's your safe space, but please consider alternatives to treating someone like they don't exist.
Roleplayers have allowed their meaning of the word to expand thanks to the hard work of poor communicators who attach blame to misunderstandings, and manipulative sorts trying to guilt partners out of their comfort zones. Much defense of "ghosting", including here, is really just pushing back against these kinds of things and rightly so; I'd say far fewer are in it just to ditch as they please. (Some of their excuses might even be fair, but that's a whole other thread.)
The OP mainly asked what to do after a ghosting, but I'd agree an important zeroth step is to make sure it actually happened. Someone going MIA isn't ghosting, drifting apart isn't ghosting, someone you barely know going back to the drawing board isn't ghosting, etc. Communicate! Some patience and perspective can spare you a ton of bad vibes.
If you're the one about to do the ghosting... it's your safe space, but please consider alternatives to treating someone like they don't exist.
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