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Edit as of 9/24/19: Mom passed away at 1:30am my aunt called and told me. She never went back to sleep when she got the call that early.

To those of you who are wondering...

Currently I'm breaking down emotionally. And in rl I am all by myself. So it's even worse. I have some people telling me how strong I am, and I keep telling myself I don't feel like it.

Hi all, Winter here.

Firstly: This is something I do not share lightly, but it is getting harder and harder for me. So I guess I just need to get it out there.

Be advised: What you will read here might end up causing triggers for people, for their personal experiences. I don't know if it will actually do so for people or not, but I thought to give a warning in advance just in case.

Please also note: I am posting this mostly to just get it out in the open, as I stated above. I'm not looking for people going: "Oh, you poor thing" and the like. I don't have many to talk to about this, so I am putting it out there. Or rather here.

Anyways....

My mom....Has breast cancer.

The last week of August of this year, 2019, my mom lost her balance and fell. I called for an ambulance. Mom couldn’t stand or walk on her own. She was taken to the ER. When they drew her blood, they found she had breast cancer. Currently my mom is in a nursing home/rehab center. Though she is not going to be able to stay there, for reasons I rather not go into. Just know we are trying to work things out.

Mom is not going to be getting physical therapy. The cancer is in her bones. They are afraid if she falls, she'll either be paralyzed or she'll die. Unfortunately there is nothing really they can do for mom. Anything they do, will not prolong her life. She doesn't even know how long she has, as they didn't tell her.

Right now I’m trying to hold myself together, but it is not an easy thing to do. My depression is on an up and down roller coaster. I get sick feeling a lot. And I’m scared half to death about all this. Especially since in rl, it's just me at home right now. No family or friends in my area. So needless to say I am struggling more with this than I thought I would.

Being strong is not an easy thing for me to do. I try, and it’s just not easy.

I believe that is all I have to say. Thank you for those of you, who took the time to read this.
Remember to take time for yourself through all of this. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a hard and heavy thing.
(((Big Hugs))) for you dear Winter. I don't think there is anything anybody could say in this situation other than we're here for you. Hoping that by sharing this it maybe helped lift the burden some? Thinking of your dear mom and hope it all goes as best as possible for her, and you.
Somnom wrote:
Remember to take time for yourself through all of this. I'm sorry you have to deal with such a hard and heavy thing.

I do, thank you. Just. Even taking time for myself is hard. My mind keeps thinking the worst of things. But when I am emotionally wound up, I usually put my head down to try and unwind. I play a lot of comedic routines from my faves, like: Robin Williams, Jeff Foxworthy, Bill Engvall, and Fluffy (aka Gabriel Iglesias). It helps me for the most part. Until another bout of depression kicks in.
ShadowWeaver wrote:
(((Big Hugs))) for you dear Winter. I don't think there is anything anybody could say in this situation other than we're here for you. Hoping that by sharing this it maybe helped lift the burden some? Thinking of your dear mom and hope it all goes as best as possible for her, and you.

-big hugs in return- Thank you, Shadow. It is very much appreciated. I do feel a bit better, having shared this. I kept it small at first. But then it just got to be too much for me. It still is, to an extent, but I'm trying to push on through all this. Thank you for your support, and Somnom's too.
Thank you for sharing with us <3 I am here for you even though we've never really spoken much before.

I can say that I do understand. My mother passed away when I was 14 from her own illnesses. Even though we did not have a good relationship and she...wasn't really a good mother at all, it still hurt like hell to watch her and have to take care of her through her illnesses and such. Having someone sick and facing losing someone is always difficult.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, you can PM me. <3
*hugs you for a long time*. I am so sorry to hear this winter. I'm here to listen you. If ever you want to chat I'm a PM message away.
LakotaSiouxWarrior wrote:
*hugs you for a long time*. I am so sorry to hear this winter. I'm here to listen you. If ever you want to chat I'm a PM message away.

-hugs back and stays there- Thank you.
I'm sorry you have to go through this and I'm glad you can be there to support the people you love. Remember not to tire yourself out, you can't help if you aren't taking care of you. And that your feelings are always valid even when others are suffering. It's okay to feel, it's okay to cry, and it's not weak to seek support when you support others, it only ever makes you stronger. You are also going through something, even if it is not quite the same and strength takes on many forms.
I'm so sorry. Same as what other people said, available if you need to talk.
Thank you to those who post here, or where ever you do, and give me your support.

I do read all posts that get posted to me. So please don't feel as i I don't, if I don't hit reply to a post and respond to it. Sometimes I just don't know what to say.

Again, thank you all for the support. I do appreciate it.
Mom passed away at 1:30am my aunt called and told me. She never went back to sleep when she got the call that early.

To those of you who are wondering...

Currently I'm breaking down emotionally. And in rl I am all by myself. So it's even worse. I have some people telling me how strong I am, and I keep telling myself I don't feel like it.
I'm truly sorry for your loss and you know I'm here for you 💔💔.*hugs*
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the pain you're going through and I'm so sorry :( -hugs-
DarkCrow wrote:
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I can't imagine the pain you're going through and I'm so sorry :( -hugs-

Thank you, Crow. -hugs in return- I'm just taking it one step at a time.
I'm so sorry for your loss, Winter. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling and how hard this is on you. However, please know that I'm thinking of you and I hope that you manage to get some solid sleep soon. I know that with such a loss like this that it's difficult to manage keeping yourself together, and this is definitely a super hard struggle. Just remember to get some water, take a break, and remember that it is okay to not be okay right now. You're a strong person, and it is okay to feel broken down. Cry as much as you need to cry. Don't give up, but just know that it's okay to rest and take breaks for yourself when you're needing it.
Hadeslicious wrote:
I'm so sorry for your loss, Winter. I can't imagine the pain you're feeling and how hard this is on you. However, please know that I'm thinking of you and I hope that you manage to get some solid sleep soon. I know that with such a loss like this that it's difficult to manage keeping yourself together, and this is definitely a super hard struggle. Just remember to get some water, take a break, and remember that it is okay to not be okay right now. You're a strong person, and it is okay to feel broken down. Cry as much as you need to cry. Don't give up, but just know that it's okay to rest and take breaks for yourself when you're needing it.

Thank you kindly. I do a lot of crying, to get it out of my system. I don't eat right away, but I promise I do eat something when I am not worked up. I rather wait on eating when I'm calmer, than to unintentionally make myself sick. I take what breaks I need, while still trying to get some stuff done around the house.

Mostly I find I have moments of stir crazy. Since I'm used to mom being around, and ever since this all started so I'm literally home alone, it drives me nuts. So I need out of the house for a while. Which is easy to do, since I go for walks. It's just difficult at times to be outside, because I never know when my depression will kick in on me. While yes I understand that I don't personally know the people of RPR, I don't mind talking to them about why I am depressed and such. VS if I broke down in public in rl, and have to explain to strangers in front of me why I'm breaking down.

I'm also learning, sadly the hard way, that I need to slowly work on changing myself. Nothing too drastic. Just...

Short version: I have ended up being molded a certain way due to rl bs with my family. It has effected me greatly emotionally and mentally. So I do not respond properly most of the time as I should. Basically I can come off sounded like an asshole when I don't mean to. I'm slowly re-learning the concept of: Pick your battles, as not all of them are worth fighting. On top of that, I'm re-learning that if my temper is rising and I feel I will say or do something wrong, I need to stop and say: Hey. I need time to myself, please excuse me.

So. It is a process for me. But I'm working on it.

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