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Forums » Smalltalk » Undeserved praise

- - - (played anonymously)

With thanksgiving and all, it seems almost tradition to give out compliments (or kudos on this website) to people in ones life. Of course, I understand that while I may have had some bad interactions with a person, that doesn’t make them the worst person on the planet and other people in their live doesn’t share my opinion. However, it makes me feel quite uncomfortable when I see people get praised for their actions when they’ve hurt me. Does anybody have any experience with this or advice on how to handle it or purely get over it? It’s honestly a bit draining to think about and it makes me a bit sad to be so negative

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Two things I'll say are.

1. This issue will be greatly prevented on the new website where when you block someone you don't see anything they post in public whether their threads they have started or posts they have commented on. Nor will you see any kudos people leave for them.

You will still see their name mentioned in other people's forum posts but itll be an improvement.

Until then, stop looking. If you're going onto their page, ect or clicking on posts you know they'll be mentioned in or posting in, avoid it. It's making you upset.

If you're already doing that then good.

2. Unfortunately it is a 'you' problem technically speaking. While you have negative experience with them, kudos and compliments from other people to them are not 'undeserved'.

You asked for advice and I think just reminding yourself that your interaction with them does not define them as a whole person, nor you is what's needed.

I'm sure you have hurt people too, we all have. I have, whether I meant to or not.

There is probably someone out there who sees the kudos you get and feels sad because of your interactions with them. This doesn't mean any positive praise given to you is undeserved because of their negative experience with you does it?

Try and view things the opposite way when you feel upset. Your feeling of upset is valid, but like you said yourself it's draining.

I absolutely struggle with this too. There are massively popular people on several websites who have me blocked or/and have made me feel isolated, hurt, and upset, and seeing people praise them sucks sometimes. Sometimes I literally cry wondering why we couldn't get along.

But then I remind myself it just is what it is and I'm glad other people get to have a positive experience with not only them but me.

You're not alone.
I fully understand what this is like, as I've been in the same situation and feel a lot of feelings when the hurt I felt isn't really visible to the rest of the world.

I think Mercy touched on some really good points though! The thing I've found that helps me most is to remind myself that my experiences with people are limited, and just because someone hurt me doesn't mean they're not also doing good things. Good people can do bad things, it's part of being human. I also try to remind myself that people grow and change with time -- I certainly have. There are people who have been hurt by the things I've said and done in the past, and even though I've made a lot of changes to my life and behavior, those people will always see the Sanne who hurt them, and that's valid. I can't undo what I did, and neither can a person who hurt you, but... I have faith that people are always working on being the best they can be. That helps me soothe the discomfort I see when someone who hurt me gets praise. Just cause they hurt me doesn't mean they aren't kind to others.

I try to feel my hurt feelings and understand that other people aren't me, and they probably see things I can't see because I got hurt too much. If I can acknowledge the way I feel and why I feel uncomfortable, it's easier to move past it and focus on things closer to me that are meaningful and fulfilling. :)
Yeah, I can see the problem there. It's happened to me too, yeah. It's always a little surreal. As if you're living in one reality and it seems like everyone else is living in another reality. It's a weird feeling.

From the point of view of the person giving the kudos, I think I would want to know that it bothered you, know that I'm unwittingly affecting your feelings. But on the other hand I can see how this could lead to telling stories about someone and be kind of gossipy. But I would want to know, especially depending on how close I was with the person who's feelings are being hurt. I like what Mercyinreach said, though, about 2.0 fixing the problem. If you think it would be bad juju to vent to the person who wrote the kudos, another avenue for feeling heard would be to vent to someone else you talk to, or in the Here For You group. I occasionally go in there to vent things I can't really put anywhere else. Sometimes that is just dwelling on it, but sometimes, if someone can relate, then it can help. I guess this post kind of serves that purpose too, though, so good for you on making it.
- - - wrote:
With thanksgiving and all, it seems almost tradition to give out compliments (or kudos on this website) to people in ones life. Of course, I understand that while I may have had some bad interactions with a person, that doesn’t make them the worst person on the planet and other people in their live doesn’t share my opinion. However, it makes me feel quite uncomfortable when I see people get praised for their actions when they’ve hurt me. Does anybody have any experience with this or advice on how to handle it or purely get over it? It’s honestly a bit draining to think about and it makes me a bit sad to be so negative

My condolences, friend. I would like to give you a quote from Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations on dealing with enmity;

“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous, and surly.

They are like this because they can’t tell good from evil. But I have seen the beauty of good, and the ugliness of evil, and have recognized that the wrongdoer has a nature related to my own — not of the same blood or birth, but of the same mind, and possessing a share of the divine.

And so none of them can hurt me. No one can implicate me in ugliness. Nor can I feel angry at my relative, or hate him.

We were born to work together like feet, hands, and eyes, like the two rows of teeth, upper and lower. To obstruct each other is unnatural. To feel anger at someone, to turn your back on him: these are obstructions.”
It's natural for this kind of thing to bother you, but if it's to the point where you're feeling drained, It helps to step back and make sure you're spending more energy on good relationships than dwelling on bad ones! Focusing on other positives is a better way to 'get over' something than trying to invalidate your feelings.

They are valid, but your OP and thread title ("Undeserved praise") depict a mindset that will, in the long run, hurt you much more than anyone who caused it. I have old friends I can't talk RP with anymore because their commitment to feuds over fun turned their creative sandboxes into minefields, and I got tired of ruining their nights each time I accidentally reminded them of one grudge or another they'd been nursing for longer than some prison sentences.

I hope your future is free of that kind of negativity, though it's up to you. In the meantime, the Festival Of Being Excellent To Each Other is around the corner: to avoid it being as crummy as Thanksgiving, I suggest you read Sanne and MercyInReach's advice carefully, and see if there's anything in the past and present that can be forgiven with time. You'll feel a bit better.

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