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I tend to view it as a red flag - I’d expect such a thing to come from a person who will blend IC and OOC. So I always just avoid those threads, even if my characters’ and mine genders generally match (I feel I can’t play men convincingly enough in a wide enough variety of situations to have them as OCs). I might be wrong of course in certain cases, but I just prefer to avoid the risk of IC and OOC perspectives blending.
I used to make those kind of requests but it was never about wanting to flirt OOC or anything of that nature. I simply found that most female writers had trouble nailing down male characteristics in a character. Over time I realized that this was more to do with writing ability than gender identity or biological sex. Restriction to a specific gender of writer was just a lazy/easy way to avoid that particular issue.

I still lean toward a preference for male writing partners but I don't demand it or restrict myself that way. Instead, I'm just much more cautious about who I choose to write with and whether or not their writing style is a match for my own. I also very rarely ever write male characters myself. As a cis-het female, I have no experience in that department and I'm certain that they'd be likely to fall flat.

TL;DR
I'm in camp "write what you know."
I've seen a couple of posts now citing inaccurate portrayal of genders as a reason for concern, but idk that doesn't entirely sit right for me. Perhaps it might be more to do with me being non-binary than it being an actual issue that others might agree with, but... eh...

Short of things like avoiding fetishisation or use of problematic tropes, is there really a 'right' way to play any gender? Masculinity and feminity to me are traits that are defined differently from person to person. There might be common consensus over certain aspects, but is it up for any single individual to define what is the 'correct' way a male or female should behave? Granted, there are obviously writing styles regarding personality traits and stereotypes that anyone can have the right to avoid, but could we perhaps steer clear of terminology that suggests there's a 'wrong' way to play certain genders? There are certainly problematic and hurtful portrayals for sure, but everyone is different, and I feel that singling out certain portrayals as incorrect or inaccurate could potentially be harmful toward people who may not fit traditional masculine or feminine traits but still identify as a particular gender (and that includes cis people).
Riik wrote:
I've seen a couple of posts now citing inaccurate portrayal of genders as a reason for concern, but idk that doesn't entirely sit right for me. Perhaps it might be more to do with me being non-binary than it being an actual issue that others might agree with, but... eh...

Short of things like avoiding fetishisation or use of problematic tropes, is there really a 'right' way to play any gender? Masculinity and feminity to me are traits that are defined differently from person to person. There might be common consensus over certain aspects, but is it up for any single individual to define what is the 'correct' way a male or female should behave? Granted, there are obviously writing styles regarding personality traits and stereotypes that anyone can have the right to avoid, but could we perhaps steer clear of terminology that suggests there's a 'wrong' way to play certain genders? There are certainly problematic and hurtful portrayals for sure, but everyone is different, and I feel that singling out certain portrayals as incorrect or inaccurate could potentially be harmful toward people who may not fit traditional masculine or feminine traits but still identify as a particular gender (and that includes cis people).

I didn't say there was a right or wrong way to be male or female. I said that I was looking for characters with traits that swung far into the masculine side of the scale and that male writers usually had an easier time portraying that. I also stated that I no longer restrict myself to just male writers.

Yes, your experiences with gender are going to be vastly different to mine. I'm a cis-het female. I'm inherently wired differently than you are and that's okay. I understand your desire to be seen and recognized. You deserve to write characters however you wish. So do I. You deserve to write with whoever you wish and decline whoever you wish in return. And so do I. If I want to write feminine-female characters who play opposite masculine-male characters, there shouldn't be a problem with that any more than your desire to write or play opposite characters that sit closer to centre on the scale (or wherever they may sit).
Riik wrote:
Short of things like avoiding fetishization or use of problematic tropes, is there really a 'right' way to play any gender?

The times I've seen someone express the issue being playing a gender right or wrong, fetishization and problematic tropes have been exactly the issue they were concerned about.

I will go ahead and add that, detaching a little from gender and focusing more on sex (and other real-world* variations between people, honestly), someone playing as a character with something that would significantly impact how they experience the world when the player does not have that thing does increase the chance of portraying it inaccurately or just plain poorly, even problematically. Usually, this would still end up under "fetishization or use of problematic tropes" in some manner, but it can also be subtle things that only some might even notice (usually those who do have that thing). For example, I can't speak to experiences around being socialized as a boy during childhood beyond what I witnessed from an external vantage point, since I was socialized as a girl during childhood - and many people don't realize how many subtle-but-significant differences really are extremely common in the treatment of those perceived to be boys vs. those perceived to be girls. Even the people providing the different treatment often don't realize that they are providing different treatment.

I can see there being certain cases where things like that may legitimately be something relevant, even outside of contexts that might seem more obvious. I don't think it's nearly as reliable a method as some make it out to be for sorting who might be more accurate in a lot of cases, including things like a players gender and/or sex matching the character's; and I'll personally still typically avoid postings calling for such matches even if I might fit, just because it still seems weird and like a red flag to me. I can imagine it being done for honest reasons, though.


* (Just wanted to be clear that by "real-world" I meant in contrast to non-human characters of races & species that don't exist. Not referring to gender there.)
I thought I was the only person this bothered, but seeing things like "M/M" or "M/F" in RP ads makes me scroll right past. I don't even really check to see if it's looking for the player or character, because I just assume that person is looking for something I am not either way.

Having said that, it's bad enough when the person seeks characters of their same/opposite sex and is not overt about wanting romance (Putting the romance slider to low/none, but still having a character gender preference?) because it tells me that person has some baked-in ideas about what a character's gender says about them and I want nothing to do with people like that to begin with, but knowing that people actually discriminate against PLAYERS for their gender has made using the LF section that much more uncomfortable.

I noticed this problem is getting worse lately and I'm not sure why, but I guess it's nice to know I'm not the only person who sees red flags.
For me I see it as a red flag when someone demands the person they RP with to be a specific gender. Though I realize there are those that do it for comfort reasons, I do tend to assume the demand is from someone with less savory intentions. For me it's an immediate turn-off from the RP, regardless how interesting the plot/character sounds.

In general it also makes me feel uncomfortable when I am pressed to disclose my own gender. I feel like who I am in my real life has nothing to do with my RPs, which to me is a craft like drawing or music. I want to be seen for the craft, not my bits or my sexuality.
Hades_

As someone who has been on a vast majority of writing media sites, I've seen these types of requests a lot. Hilariously, I see them way less on sites where sexual stories are the main gist of the content.

I've seen a lot of talking about playing a gender the "right" way, and I think a lot of it honestly more so stems from the fact that when someone is looking for a specific type of masculine or feminine character they're looking for someone who understands the anatomy of a specific gender they're wanting to write with too. This, of course, has nothing to do with the people who are using this as a means for dating, predatory, or sexualizing the writer with the character.

What I'm trying to put into better words is that I think the idea of writing a gender "right" is more so about avoiding people who aren't experienced with writing specific genders as they aren't that gender. I often find myself more interested with male-masculine writers who write male-masculine characters because they understand male-masculine anatomy better than someone who doesn't have that anatomy. This is because I do write sexual themes in my stories, and it's really off-putting to have someone turn male-masculine anatomy into the tropes, misinformed myths, and high-school level locker-room talk. It's as bad as a lot of animated adult themed cartoons and such that over-exaggerate or have no idea how body parts function or move. It's just... bad writing.

This isn't a one gender specific or one anatomy having type thing either. This is definitely an issue with male-masculine writers that bimbofy femme-female anatomy to a point that it's truly annoying and barbaric.

I'm honestly in team "I don't care what your OOC gender is" as a writer, but I did at one time specifically avoid female-femme writers when I was looking specifically for a male-masculine character. I was avoiding people who didn't seem to understand or grasp opposite genders anatomy, or I was avoiding people who turned the opposite gender into unkind stereotypes, misinformed and hurtful anatomical sexualized punchlines,. I avoided male-masculine people writing female-femme characters too because they did things just as badly.

It's usually pretty easy to sniff out someone looking to sexualize the writer and the character into one person. It's also become easy for me personally to see the red flags of people intentionally avoiding specific gender writers because of a bigotry, misogyny, or even misandry. I think anyone should be allowed and encouraged to write genders that aren't their own, but writing them "well" really only has to do with making sure you're not using fetishization, poorly misinformed anatomical understandings, or horrible and hurtful stereotypes and tropes.
Honestly, my guess is just that it's some fella who's too insecure about his masculinity to even imagine roleplaying a romantic relationship when another dude's at the end of the other screen. Like others said, it's people who can't separate IC from OOC.
Muse (played anonymously)

I don't think the gender of the person playing the character should matter. For me it's more about having the person play the counterpart that I'm looking for.

To me the character and the person playing the character are separate. The character is who they play and they are who they are. It may be that some have a hard time seeing it that way and it causes a disconnect for them.

Basically I agree with previous comments.
I really believe that "accuracy" in writing a gender does not have to do with a person's assigned sex but how they approach writing a character of another sex or gender. You can often tell when someone is trying too hard by fetishizing, being overly tropey, or aggressively stereotyping. This is a result of bad writing and a failure to realistically consider a different perspective. There are many people online who can write as one gender or the other.

The trick is to think of gender as a secondary and, in the long run, mostly unimportant trait to the character. It's true that birth sex can affect how a character is socialized and how they develop, but you need to be careful when writing that. They can be affected by how others see them based on their gender... but that doesn't really change who they are, no matter how hard that society may try. And who a person is.. is not their gender (at least not wholly). Similar situation with sexuality.

You could be anything behind that screen for all I care. If it were up to me, we'd be trading our flesh bodies for machines. Lol. I can't judge anyone based on their genitals - that just feels wrong. But I know some people have genuine discomfort associated with RPing with certain genders based on past experiences, and I can accept that.
Muse (played anonymously)

So I just thought of something. While I realize the reasons people have for looking for certain genders (be the reason good or creepy) or somewhere inbetween , I was wondering about when people are specifically looking for the character gender to be a specific one.

Do those get lumped in together with ones people think are trying to start a ooc relationship? Is it assumed the person is trying to create a relationship with the person because of that in the ad with no consideration?

To be honest til this post I didn't consider that those lines in the rp ad were a flag of certain behavior. So now I wonder when reading ads. But I still wonder if that means some with no I'll intent are getting glossed over because of those flags.

Now I've experienced the toxic behavior when someone blends rp into ooc in a creepy way and thought there was a relationship budding (but it was on another site and of course that ended the rp), or even used the rp for cheating on their spouse (awful experience), or started flirting in ooc even after I told them to stop kof course that ended and blocked) so I understand that this is an issue that happens a lot to people.

In my cases it took awhile to click that there was an issue because I never mix rp and ooc \ real life. But then I would have a aha moment.

But then again some ads I've answered with those lines in it went perfectly fine no wierdness, no issues, no creeping just a good rp.

I just wonder if the flag also lumps in those with no mindset like that. As I said in an earlier post. I don't care what gender the person playing the character is. My only thing is having the character fit idea I'm going for.

Whew I rambled a bit but I'm hoping the point I was trying to make for across.
Muse wrote:
So I just thought of something. While I realize the reasons people have for looking for certain genders (be the reason good or creepy) or somewhere inbetween , I was wondering about when people are specifically looking for the character gender to be a specific one.

Do those get lumped in together with ones people think are trying to start a ooc relationship? Is it assumed the person is trying to create a relationship with the person because of that in the ad with no consideration?

To be honest til this post I didn't consider that those lines in the rp ad were a flag of certain behavior. So now I wonder when reading ads. But I still wonder if that means some with no I'll intent are getting glossed over because of those flags.

Now I've experienced the toxic behavior when someone blends rp into ooc in a creepy way and thought there was a relationship budding (but it was on another site and of course that ended the rp), or even used the rp for cheating on their spouse (awful experience), or started flirting in ooc even after I told them to stop kof course that ended and blocked) so I understand that this is an issue that happens a lot to people.

In my cases it took awhile to click that there was an issue because I never mix rp and ooc \ real life. But then I would have a aha moment.

But then again some ads I've answered with those lines in it went perfectly fine no wierdness, no issues, no creeping just a good rp.

I just wonder if the flag also lumps in those with no mindset like that. As I said in an earlier post. I don't care what gender the person playing the character is. My only thing is having the character fit idea I'm going for.

Whew I rambled a bit but I'm hoping the point I was trying to make for across.

Can't speak for anyone else, but honestly, I usually do skip over character preferred genders. I set the romance slider as low as it'll go before no ads show up which is about 30% on a good day because this board is perpetually thirsty because I just don't want it to be a focus/option for my characters and I cannot imagine why someone would have that in their ad unless they're looking for romance.

Here's the thing. If someone says they want romance, and they're asking for characters that match their or their character's attraction bias, fine. That's not a problem. I assume people asking for a gender preference want that though, regardless of what's in their ad.

And to be honest, I know sometimes people aren't explicitly looking for a romance scene, but if your ad specifies a preferred character gender, you're at least signaling to me that you want the option to be available, and will not engage with an RP where that option is completely off-the-table. I won't put myself in the position of having to explain to someone else that I'm not interested in doing that with my characters, so even if an ad does not specify a romance plot, I still scroll past it.
Muse (played anonymously)

Aardbei wrote:
Can't speak for anyone else, but honestly, I usually do skip over character preferred genders. I set the romance slider as low as it'll go before no ads show up which is about 30% on a good day because this board is perpetually thirsty because I just don't want it to be a focus/option for my characters and I cannot imagine why someone would have that in their ad unless they're looking for romance.

Here's the thing. If someone says they want romance, and they're asking for characters that match their or their character's attraction bias, fine. That's not a problem. I assume people asking for a gender preference want that though, regardless of what's in their ad.

And to be honest, I know sometimes people aren't explicitly looking for a romance scene, but if your ad specifies a preferred character gender, you're at least signaling to me that you want the option to be available, and will not engage with an RP where that option is completely off-the-table. I won't put myself in the position of having to explain to someone else that I'm not interested in doing that with my characters, so even if an ad does not specify a romance plot, I still scroll past it.

I understand where you are coming from, but I don't see anything wrong with someone wanting to have romance in their plot. Nor do I see anything wrong with someone who prefers none. To each their own. But saying that people are thirsty because they want romance in their rp is a bit unfair. It's basically saying oh they want romance in rp must be desperate. It would be the same as someone saying those who don't want romance in rp don't know how to handle romance or that they are uncomfortable because they don't know how to separate rp from reality, (using an example from a thread I read), versus their valid reasons and preferences which is also unfair.

Others brought up multiple reasons for why this is so outside of people just looking for romance along side the reasons they see the issues. Also romance in rp does not mean someone wants/imagines romance ooc. Its a broad based assumption that seems to override other valid reasons for peoples liking romance in their rp.

The person may have an idea in their head that, to them, worked better with a female/male/trans/nonbinary/etc character and I don't think that idea constitutes them having other motives. Comfort may be a part of it as well. Or writing compatibility. Many friends of mind tell me that have easier times writing with certain genders and it varies from friend to friend and this is even rp's with out romance.

So many factors affect preferences in rp and not just the romance aspect. Troupes, plots, personality types, genre, period of rp, etc are all factors as well with preference but don't get as scrutinized as romance.

Then there is this romance shows up in so much that people consume. Many tv shows, movies, video games, books, comics, etc have romance whether a large part of the story or a simple side plot or just hinting (and if not people end up shipping). Many people just like romance. It's not surprising that some want the same type of interactions in rp. Or maybe people just like that aspect, while others may prefer action, drama, supernatural, fantasy, sci fi or maybe it's a bit of both.

And sometimes its better to ask the person than to assume what they intend. You maybe right or you maybe wrong. Nothing wrong with finding out.
Local pedantic aroflux asexual popping in to remind folks that romance =/= anything sexual. (Since the term "thirsty" is primarily associated with sexual attraction, not romance.)

Preferences around those things, however, are no less valid.

*salutes*
winplaceshow Topic Starter

Zelphyr wrote:
Local pedantic aroflux asexual popping in to remind folks that romance =/= anything sexual. (Since the term "thirsty" is primarily associated with sexual attraction, not romance.)

Preferences around those things, however, are no less valid.

*salutes*

I've heard it used for either. So, I wouldn't get too hung up on it if I were you.
TiredWriter

I personally tend to avoid those rp partner specific gender things. I don’t mind any of my rp partners’ gender identities but I do want to role play with someone I can get along with OOC.
I too generally scroll on by when I read someone wants a specific sex or gender for their partner. I keep mine to myself for a reason. I'm not here to date, to look for hook-ups, or anything of the sort. A nice, chill OOC chit-chat relationship, sure. That's great.

I am not my characters, so often times they are sexually and/or romantically attracted to a set of factors that isn't relevant to their writer. When that's the case, if I think a specific sex or gender is what would work best for that reason, I'll try to say that and make it clear I have no opinion nor desire on the sex or gender of the writer.

I've actually had people ask me directly what my real-life sex is. I know that to ask that means they have a preference, so I generally tell them it's best to assume I'm whichever one they don't want and go from there.

To put it colloquially, ain't nobody got time for this. :)
I agree with Aine on this thread. The ability to faithfully reproduce anatomical or social* traits varying by gender/sex is based on writing ability, not biological gender of the author. It is true however that less skilled players will have a harder time portraying a gender other from then own.

*I don't believe there are innate social traits for each gender, but people are socialized different ways and this matters.
LadyAdiraa wrote:
I don't like writing with males for a lot of reasons, but the biggest one is sexual harassment. It always...ALWAYS goes down this route and I'm tired of it. I haven't had the same issue with females. I'd never ask someone that type of question though, it's really rude. If I was uncertain whether the person was a female/male 'below' then I would not reply/end the conversation. Sorry about your experience but just understand those doing that are just trying to protect themselves from no doubt countless bad experiences.

Err, you do at least acknowledge that it's rude to ask, but... does this mean that you will refuse to respond to people who don't list a gender, people who are openly trans women or trans-feminine, or people who are openly some form of non-binary without additionally volunteering that they're AFAB?

Or are you using male & female as gender terms here instead of sex terms, and using "below" to refer to "the player under/behind the character" rather than "below the belt?"

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