The Critique
Pros & cons:
So, I feel like I should address her cons right away because what you have here is a very difficult character to play. She is overwhelmingly positive and charismatic to a point where I think it would be hard for you, a normal person, to play her exactly as intended. Of course I don't know you well enough to say much about your capacity to play a character like this, but my concern stems from "absolute" statements like:
On to her pros! Jinx's purpose, aspirations, and overall theme is very clear and obvious. It's easy to understand what her role is, she gives off the right vibe almost immediately, and most importantly, her powers don't feel out of place. I'll admit, when I read that she's associated with an "eldritch being" I was caught off guard, but I didn't find myself thinking "nuh uh!" because I could absolutely see someone like her attracting the attention of a powerful being such as that. I could also get a pretty good idea of how she approaches major conflicts based on smaller details such as her inventory and the fact that she's neutral good instead of lawful good. Her abilities are unique and quite powerful, but not overpowered (which I often expect from anything time/space bending). I find the thought of her visiting a medieval dimension quite amusing, since she doesn't strike me as someone who'd fit in with all of those drab, earthy colors and drab, earthy people.
You clearly spent a lot of time working on Jinx. Her profile is thorough and she's a dynamic character with a lot to work with. I don't see very many limitations on her that would make her hard to roleplay with. There's no shortage of possible interactions. She won't run into the problem of having no way to start conversations or approach new characters because even if she suddenly became antisocial or reserved, that would be so unusual for her that someone is bound to notice and try to figure out what's going on. That's a great quality to have for RP!
What's missing:
Not much, to be honest. In fact, there's a ton of information in this profile. It might be overwhelming for some people, but I appreciate having lots of extra bits and bobs to read and I especially appreciate that reading them isn't required. She doesn't have a past but I don't feel like she needs one, it makes sense for a time-traveler's past to be a mystery. I just hope you have a story in mind for her meeting with the eldritch being.
Organization:
Consider mentioning her powers sooner rather than later. The end of the first page is quite surprising, and I think you should clarify that this character is built for fantasy RP long before someone has to get involved in reading a lot about the character. Otherwise, people who aren't looking for fantasy RP will be disappointed.
The section about her abilities is well written, but consists of huge chunks of information that I feel could be broken down into smaller portions without losing any information or detail. I'd recommend breaking her powers down by:
Finally, don't be afraid to use bullet points or lists! Since powers are often very technical, the goal is to help the reader understand how they work and what they can do. Prose need not apply. I wouldn't dare to ask you to rewrite that section because I'm sure it took a lot of effort, so perhaps you could have a basic overview and your original, detailed explanation for each power.
Questions:
Bunny wrote:
Jinx wrote:
I've been wanting a nice friendly (but honest) critique of this character for a while now, i would really appreciate giving her a little look! I want Jinx to be my star, the golden child, and anything i can do to improve her appeal will be one step closer to that dream 
Some parts of the profile are a work in progress
Some parts of the profile are a work in progressSo, I feel like I should address her cons right away because what you have here is a very difficult character to play. She is overwhelmingly positive and charismatic to a point where I think it would be hard for you, a normal person, to play her exactly as intended. Of course I don't know you well enough to say much about your capacity to play a character like this, but my concern stems from "absolute" statements like:
- She can get along with pretty much everyone.
- She's observant and due to her curiosity, never misses a detail.
- She never hesitates to step out of her comfort zone.
- She can easily steer the conversation in the direction she desires.
- She's sure to leave a warm impression on someone.
- Jinx brings energy and enthusiasm to any cause that sparks her interest, and finds others often looking to her for guidance.
- Instead of "She's observant and due to her curiosity, never misses a detail." just leave it at "she's curious and observant". Don't add the "degree" to which she is observant, because it's easier to express your intended "degree" through RP and phrasing it this way isn't as confusing or absolute.
- Instead of "She can get along with pretty much everyone" try to write it more like "she tries to" or "she often gets along with x-type of person" because otherwise, it doesn't tell us much about her. If you tell us who she can get along with, why, and/or that she tries to get along with everyone because x, y, and z, that is far more valuable information!
- Instead of stating that people like her, open up to her easily, or that people feel a certain way about her, let the readers come to their own conclusions. Let them decide whether or not they'd go to her for help, or if they'd enjoy her enthusiasm and positivity. This saves you from having to meet everyone's standards and makes Jinx more realistic, easier to imagine, and less "perfect".
On to her pros! Jinx's purpose, aspirations, and overall theme is very clear and obvious. It's easy to understand what her role is, she gives off the right vibe almost immediately, and most importantly, her powers don't feel out of place. I'll admit, when I read that she's associated with an "eldritch being" I was caught off guard, but I didn't find myself thinking "nuh uh!" because I could absolutely see someone like her attracting the attention of a powerful being such as that. I could also get a pretty good idea of how she approaches major conflicts based on smaller details such as her inventory and the fact that she's neutral good instead of lawful good. Her abilities are unique and quite powerful, but not overpowered (which I often expect from anything time/space bending). I find the thought of her visiting a medieval dimension quite amusing, since she doesn't strike me as someone who'd fit in with all of those drab, earthy colors and drab, earthy people.
You clearly spent a lot of time working on Jinx. Her profile is thorough and she's a dynamic character with a lot to work with. I don't see very many limitations on her that would make her hard to roleplay with. There's no shortage of possible interactions. She won't run into the problem of having no way to start conversations or approach new characters because even if she suddenly became antisocial or reserved, that would be so unusual for her that someone is bound to notice and try to figure out what's going on. That's a great quality to have for RP!
What's missing:
Not much, to be honest. In fact, there's a ton of information in this profile. It might be overwhelming for some people, but I appreciate having lots of extra bits and bobs to read and I especially appreciate that reading them isn't required. She doesn't have a past but I don't feel like she needs one, it makes sense for a time-traveler's past to be a mystery. I just hope you have a story in mind for her meeting with the eldritch being.
Organization:
Consider mentioning her powers sooner rather than later. The end of the first page is quite surprising, and I think you should clarify that this character is built for fantasy RP long before someone has to get involved in reading a lot about the character. Otherwise, people who aren't looking for fantasy RP will be disappointed.
The section about her abilities is well written, but consists of huge chunks of information that I feel could be broken down into smaller portions without losing any information or detail. I'd recommend breaking her powers down by:
- Capabilities: Everything she can do with the power. How far she can teleport, where she can teleport, etc.
- Limitations: Things she can't do like teleporting when wet or when submerged in water. I see that you already have some of these sprinkled in, they're just a bit hard to find.
- Drawbacks: I like that you separated the drawback sections by what happens when there's "too much" and what happens when there's "too little". Definitely stick with that!
- Technicalities: I'd save the explanation of the charge mechanic for last. I think it distracts from the powers themselves and makes it harder to find perks that are specific to those powers.
Finally, don't be afraid to use bullet points or lists! Since powers are often very technical, the goal is to help the reader understand how they work and what they can do. Prose need not apply. I wouldn't dare to ask you to rewrite that section because I'm sure it took a lot of effort, so perhaps you could have a basic overview and your original, detailed explanation for each power.
Questions:
- Since she can pretty much time travel and hop between dimensions, would you say she's knowledgeable about space, time, and history?
- How would she prepare for a visit to a point in history where she'd be subject to a lot of judgement for her appearance and sex/gender?
- How does she handle the harsh realities of other time periods?
- Does she make any efforts to hide her powers/capabilities?
- Is she sensitive about all of her scars, or just the ones that are hidden? How does she respond to comments on them?
- How does she handle good and/or important people who don't like her?
- How does she handle people that she does not like?
- How long has she been running around with weapons and bulletproof gear? When and why did she decide these were necessary?
- When is violence the answer, in her eyes? What does it take to get to that point?
I've been excited for this critique for a while now and whew you did not dissappoint! It really helps to get a new perspective to help you notice the flaws, and the cons you pointed out i feel are definitely well deserved and are things i've been overlooking for too long. Admittedly i got lazy on writing about the personality and relied (perhaps too much) on one of those personality quiz websites without taking time to scrutinize the wording and how it could make Jinx appear, and funnily enough some of the traits (being observant) are kinda contradictory to how she actually acts in roleplay, which is to say she's that one person who the joke whooshes over every time (and then suddenly 'get' an hour and a half later and start laughing about it), and her bubbly outbursts in which she rambles on about anything to spring into her mind does have a tendency to annoy her companions or or at best confuse them rather than charm their socks off, so those are valid cons i should fix pronto!
I'm thrilled to pieces that you recognize the intention behind leaving out her past, and writing an excerpt on how she met her eldritch source is precisely what i intend to do relatively soonish.
Organization is admittedly one of my weak points i've been aware of with no clear idea on how to fix or where to begin, your suggestions for the organization and placement of information is a huuuuge help, and i'll be taking your advice to heart and getting right on that! The lack of bullet lists is, embarassingly a result of my lack of understanding on how they work on this website ^-^' This is exactly the kick in the butt i needed to improve, and i appreciate your time and effort that it took to analyze the character to help me improve, you're doing god's work here!
Answers!
It's pretty rare that i ever get asked questions on my character and i'm incredibly pleased that your questions allow me to realize what might be missing from her characterization, things that feel obvious to me but others won't get right away . Thank you again for taking the time to critique, jinx and i appreciate it!
- Since she can pretty much time travel and hop between dimensions, would you say she's knowledgeable about space, time, and history?:
Quite the opposite, actually. Her understanding of how it works beyond how it concerns her is limited for her own good, and at most she has a clear idea on how incredibly complex and beyond her comprehension it is. Her ignorance on the matter is what safeguards her from the insanity that comes from knowing these things, and even that doesn't quite stop her from getting her timelines, dimensions and alternate realities mixed up, leading to an identity crisis on a scale more massive than what concerns herself. She avoids understanding it, if at all possible. - How would she prepare for a visit to a point in history where she'd be subject to a lot of judgement for her appearance and sex/gender?:
There's little preparation involved in her trips, she often doesn't have a say in where or when she's teleported. Her appearance has been a factor in attracting negative attention with little she can do to negate it, except to lay low and integrate into society as quickly as she can before she's found out, with varying success depending on who gets to her first. She does however keep any clothing she obtains from her trips so if she finds herself in similar situations in the future she can blend in a lot quicker. - How does she handle the harsh realities of other time periods?:
The same way she handles the harsh reality of her own, with counterproductive optimism and naivety. She's convinced that if she starts from a position of friendliness and maintains a helpful positive attitude, she'll end up in the right place. This philosophy has backfired and will continue to backfire for as long as she flat-out ignores the problems of some of the realities she finds herself in. If she acknowledges that some realities are beyond helping then despair will set in, so she remains in denial until the last second until self preservation kicks in and she's forced to leave with only one person helped- herself. - Does she make any efforts to hide her powers/capabilities?:
She was made to understand very early on that hiding her abilities was imperative to her survival, and she's had varying degrees of success in this regard. Past and present timelines are significantly easier to hide her talents than futuristic cities with mass surveillance and advanced detection systems. She can get careless in the heat of the moment but if she's remained undiscovered, she will try to keep it that way. If she's already been found out, she has less reservations. - Is she sensitive about all of her scars, or just the ones that are hidden? How does she respond to comments on them?:
She's not so much sensitive about the appearance of her scars as she is about the situations in which she recieved them. The scars on her back are the remainder of the process undergone to allow her to teleport, and she's actually quite proud of them. The zigzagging scars on her neck from electrocution are not part of any backstory, but she hates discussing how they happened as it involves the betrayal of someone she cared about and her failure to sacrifice the life of one for the good of many. The ones she hides she hates the most, and the stigma they carry means she gets defensive very quickly when they're commented upon, and the comments she recieves are usually derivative and callous which only heightens her anxiety regarding them. - How does she handle good and/or important people who don't like her?:
Poorly. She can understand less moral people not liking her and accepts it, but when another good-natured person doesn't like her she becomes paranoid, jumps to conclusions, gets defensive and pushy. She knows not everybody is going to like her but somehow can't handle the concept of somebody who shares her perspective and worldview not liking her and may go to unnecessary lengths to discover why. She sees herself as likable, so when somebody doesn't like her, her first conclusion is that it isn't herself whose the problem, but rather them who are wrong. Rather than respecting their preference and boundaries, she'll go out of her way to prove her "likability" whilst only proving their point. - How does she handle people that she does not like?:
You'd have to be particularly heinous for Jinx to not like you but it's certainly not impossible. Overall she strives to treat people she doesn't like as her friend anyways, holding the belief that "An enemy is just a friend you haven't made yet" (from WOY). She exercises more caution around these people and foils their plans as often as she is able, while doing her best to be emotionally available and gently guide them off their dark path. This leads to her being easily manipulated, as she'll jump on any opportunity to redeem a bad guy and may instead be led into a trap. - How long has she been running around with weapons and bulletproof gear? When and why did she decide these were necessary?:
She's had access to weapons from an irresponsibly young age entirely due to her environment and lack of supervision, but it wasn't until recently that it dawned on her that the dangerous aspect of her abilities demanded more protection. After the first few times she found herself running defenseless from gunfire or caught unprepared with zero supplies in another reality, she decided to prepare herself a little better. Her weapons are purely for defense (or at least thats what she tells herself) and so is her backpack, and it's actually saved her life on a few occasions too. - When is violence the answer, in her eyes? What does it take to get to that point?:
She avoids violence when possible, but recognizes it as a part of life and sometimes necessary for self-preservation. She employs violence to save lives, whether it's her own or others, but she tries to not default to violence and doesn't shoot to kill, only to wound or incapacitate. She calls herself a "situational pacifist" and has probably never read the definition of pacifist outside of 'killing people is bad', otherwise she might realize she doesn't quite apply to the exact definition
It's pretty rare that i ever get asked questions on my character and i'm incredibly pleased that your questions allow me to realize what might be missing from her characterization, things that feel obvious to me but others won't get right away . Thank you again for taking the time to critique, jinx and i appreciate it!
Bunny wrote:
Bunny’s Critique of my Character
Wow, what a setup! I love the way you chose to introduce this character, his family, and his past in a way that touches on the most important details while at the same time, keeping the reader at a distance. We don't get to learn how or why his family is in debt, why his mother died, or where his father is at the end, but we get to see his thought process. I appreciate all of his reactions and how it introduces various aspects of his personality. We get to see where his pessimism and aggression likely stem from, as well as some examples of his behavior in action which I think is a great way to give people an idea of how his personality plays out.
So, something I noticed was that you listed him as anywhere between 15-30ish in age, but it's clear his mother's funeral happens when he's about 16. I take it you want to be able to vary his age for different RPs, which is totally understandable but it complicates some things. A lot of the things I'd normally want to know such as his aspirations, hobbies, and financial situation probably depend a lot on the age you're playing him as. Do you have a linear path in mind, such as everything he did up until the age of 30? Or do you intend to go with the flow and adapt him to different RPs? What about when you play him at an age before his mother's death? I imagine you'll address that on the OOC page when you get around to it, but if you haven't considered it already, definitely think about how you're going to approach playing him at different ages. People change a lot from 15-30!
Regardless of his age, I have a ton of questions! How does he feel about music? He seems to like playing the flute, but he doesn't like practicing which is so relatable and makes me wonder how he views music. Does he take it seriously, or is it just a hobby? Was he pressured into playing music or was it a choice? What about photography? His family was in debt for a large portion of his life, so how'd he get his flute and camera? Does he have a good camera? How does he feel about foreigners? How important is culture to him? Is he spiritual? It's implied that his relatives weren't around much when his family was struggling, was there ever a point when they were close? Is he the youngest in his family, or are there other kids his age? How does he feel about love, romance, and the possibility of having a family? What about marriage?
As far as being sentimental goes, are there certain things he clings to like photographs or toys from his childhood? Is there a certain time that he's especially sentimental about? Are there exceptions, like things he doesn't want to remember? What kind of games does he play? Is gaming a healthy or a destructive hobby of his? I feel like his ethnicity is a great set up for a lot of interesting interactions with other characters, since you can have characters from all over the world. So, has he ever been out of the country or traveled much at all? Can he speak English or any other language? Does he want to or ever have a reason to leave Japan? There's a lot of stigma and stereotyping around Japan, what's his opinion of those things?
Wow, what a setup! I love the way you chose to introduce this character, his family, and his past in a way that touches on the most important details while at the same time, keeping the reader at a distance. We don't get to learn how or why his family is in debt, why his mother died, or where his father is at the end, but we get to see his thought process. I appreciate all of his reactions and how it introduces various aspects of his personality. We get to see where his pessimism and aggression likely stem from, as well as some examples of his behavior in action which I think is a great way to give people an idea of how his personality plays out.
So, something I noticed was that you listed him as anywhere between 15-30ish in age, but it's clear his mother's funeral happens when he's about 16. I take it you want to be able to vary his age for different RPs, which is totally understandable but it complicates some things. A lot of the things I'd normally want to know such as his aspirations, hobbies, and financial situation probably depend a lot on the age you're playing him as. Do you have a linear path in mind, such as everything he did up until the age of 30? Or do you intend to go with the flow and adapt him to different RPs? What about when you play him at an age before his mother's death? I imagine you'll address that on the OOC page when you get around to it, but if you haven't considered it already, definitely think about how you're going to approach playing him at different ages. People change a lot from 15-30!
Regardless of his age, I have a ton of questions! How does he feel about music? He seems to like playing the flute, but he doesn't like practicing which is so relatable and makes me wonder how he views music. Does he take it seriously, or is it just a hobby? Was he pressured into playing music or was it a choice? What about photography? His family was in debt for a large portion of his life, so how'd he get his flute and camera? Does he have a good camera? How does he feel about foreigners? How important is culture to him? Is he spiritual? It's implied that his relatives weren't around much when his family was struggling, was there ever a point when they were close? Is he the youngest in his family, or are there other kids his age? How does he feel about love, romance, and the possibility of having a family? What about marriage?
As far as being sentimental goes, are there certain things he clings to like photographs or toys from his childhood? Is there a certain time that he's especially sentimental about? Are there exceptions, like things he doesn't want to remember? What kind of games does he play? Is gaming a healthy or a destructive hobby of his? I feel like his ethnicity is a great set up for a lot of interesting interactions with other characters, since you can have characters from all over the world. So, has he ever been out of the country or traveled much at all? Can he speak English or any other language? Does he want to or ever have a reason to leave Japan? There's a lot of stigma and stereotyping around Japan, what's his opinion of those things?
Oh right, I totally understand where you are coming from about the age- and I have to admit that I didn’t really think it through- I don’t exactly have a ‘linear path’ or a clear story- but I just a very general idea of how things will end up for him over the years (not good), allowing me to adapt to the flow and go with different rolelpays.
When I play him at the age before his mother’s death (which hasn’t came up so far), I would go with the mindset of him at that age- which means that I probably would scrap his personality, only keeping core parts of it, since his personality on the profile is him during his teenage years. In hindsight, that OOC profile should have came first- thanks for pointing that out to me! I will definitely think about it more, instead of making him more emotionally distraught and cynical.
I am going to put the question in the third paragraph and so on in point form then- for both of our sakes
Otherwise it might get too cluttered.- Views on Music: Nothing deep, just as a way to relax and reminiscent of his high school days-or for his high school extra curricular, where in my mind, he has joined the school’s traditional music club. (I have one at my school-though I am not Japanese so I am not sure if it is the same over there.)
- Seriously/Hobby? Depending on his age; when he is a teenager, he is very serious about it, and even planned to continue down that path but by the times he hit his 20’s, it has became more of a hobby/not play it at all.
- Pressured, or own choice? Completely his own choice, so no hard feelings there about it- practicing still isn’t very enjoyable to him.
- Photography? How did he get his flute/camera? Does he have a good camera? His interest in photography is mostly influenced by his father-who, in my head, is a way-too-stubborn photographer whose work wouldn’t sell-ended up doing manual labour, and his attitude just worsened from there. His camera is something he got from his father, so it isn’t exactly the latest model but the quality is good enough. As for the flute, as a teenager, it is borrowed from his school, but if he is in his 20’s, he would have probably bought it himself then.
- How does he feel about foreigners? Like -wow, is that a foreigner? Their skin is so pale- dang, white men are all so tall. Along with a pinch of inferiority complex when comparing himself against foreigners and a dash of superiority complex because western people are the ones that brought in all the bad influences and habits but also of a good helping of respect for their culture and the many inventions/innovations from the west. Also, due to history (I’m sure you know what I mean), he feels incredibly awkward around foreigners and will probably act respectful and courteous as heck around them.
- How important is culture to him? Considering since he was in a traditional music club- it is somewhat important but his reasoning are shallow, and born out of the idea that ‘hey, this is my culture, I have to preserve it’ and those along those lines. He is passionate, that’s for certain, but he never gave it any thought so if you were to ask him, he might not be able to give a concrete reasoning straight away, because to him, it is more of a ‘feeling’-similar to patriotism, than anything else.
- Is he spiritual? Not at all, but while he believes in Buddhism/Shinto religion to a certain degree, it was mostly because it was taught to him since an early age, not because he truly went and read up/studied/practiced it. He knows the basics, and follows it mainly out of conformity but he doesn’t place too much importance in it.
- It's implied that his relatives weren't around much when his family was struggling, was there ever a point when they were close? Is he the youngest in his family, or are there other kids his age? Nope, not once; his mother has a strained relationship with her side of the family and that sentiment transferred over to him. Although it isn’t stated in his profile, his father’s was the only child and there are no extended relatives from that side. He doesn’t have any siblings, if that is what you are asking, but if we include the entire extended family, he isn’t the youngest, that’s for certain. He is probably the oldest out of his cousins, as his mother actually had him right after she graduated high school.
- How does he feel about love, romance, and the possibility of having a family? What about marriage? While a part of him is hopeful, his own childhood, and getting the first-hand seat to how things ended up with his own parents, made him rather cynical about the idea of love, and marriage, let alone having a family. He might have gotten himself in several relationships over the years-but he is always that one guy you are in a relationship together for literal years but never wanted to settle down. It is mainly due to his own fear, that he might become his father, because he sees himself acting rather similarly to his father.
- As far as being sentimental goes, are there certain things he clings to like photographs or toys from his childhood? Is there a certain time that he's especially sentimental about? Are there exceptions, like things he doesn't want to remember? Yes, his camera for example, as well as photographs; he doesn’t have a lot of toys in the first place. I imagine that he will be the most sentimental on the anniversary of his mother’s death, or whenever he sees something that reminds him of her. There isn’t exactly things he doesn’t want to remember; as he has mostly accepted it as a part of his life then.
- What kind of games does he play? Is gaming a healthy or a destructive hobby of his? Arcade games mostly, and it is most certainly destructive on his wallet, especially when he gets older. He occasionally tries to stop it-but it is mostly on and off, sometimes he would try his best to stay away but sometimes he just goes ‘to hell with it’ and uses whatever he’s got in the arcade.
- So, has he ever been out of the country or traveled much at all? Nope, never.
- Can he speak English or any other language? Nope, he can speak very bad English, but it gets the message across, because japanese schools do teach English.
- Does he want to or ever have a reason to leave Japan? He did entertain the idea occasionally, mostly out of curiousity and wild hope that he might get a chance if he leave and start anew, but reality kicks in and his bank account balance is too pathetic for him to go anywhere because he is bad with money.
- There's a lot of stigma and stereotyping around Japan, what's his opinion of those things? He isn’t very aware of it, since he didn’t pay much attention to what outsiders think about Japan; but he is aware of the stigma, and would act painfully respectful and cordial to foreigners because of it, even more than usual, in hopes to improve their image. But as he gets older,(or more callous, depending on the circumstances) he cares less about it and doesn’t show anymore special treatment to foreigners.
Though, I imagine that, if he really settles down, that habit might just come back full force, along with some things that are stereotypically Japan, because he would want to educate his children in the best way possible, while also attempting to keep his personal opinions and such out of it, because he doesn’t trust himself to ‘infect’ them- some sort of underlying self-esteem issue right there.
I would adore some honest feedback on this girl, here. She's hands down my favourite character to play with and I've considered turning her backstory into a book numerous times. 
Thank you so much for considering!
Thank you so much for considering!
My curiosity is peaked.
Hmm I'm curious what you think of Elena. Im still in the process of figuring out her history.
If anyone fancies themselves quite the extensive read, my bird cat is certainly chock full of content, perhaps a bit too much. Any and all feedback would be greatly obliged.
It's been a busy week for me, lots of exams going on before spring break. I'll be catching up on these over the weekend!
Pros & cons:
Pros
His history is solid. He's very clearly a fighter, enduring hardship after hardship that shows how important survival and life is to him. He seemed to have a positive attitude from the very beginning, but his mother reinforced that even further by continuing to spend time with her children even while sick. I can see where his strong will to live comes from. I also like that vampirism didn't cause his leg to grow back or something, it has a good balance of strengths and weaknesses--though I think it would be okay to cut back on some of his weaknesses if you wanted to. I can imagine his weakness to salt, garlic, and silver is easy for other people to abuse. Your description of vampires is thorough and gives a lot of insight into the lore of vampires in his universe. The advantages and disadvantages are especially important, and the writing section does a good job of answering tons of questions in a format that lets us get a good idea of his personality. However...
Cons
The vampire lore is somewhat confusing, and I think part of that is because of his "brand" of vampirism. I wasn't sure how I felt about the comparison to a "parasitic demon". Parasite I can sort of understand, but demon? You say the deal is simple, but I didn't get that impression from the explanation. I'm unsure whether or not these demons have their own physical bodies, nor do I really understand what demons are in this context. This implies a lot about magic and spirituality in this world, but I'm mainly curious to know what demons are in terms of whether or not they're evil, unholy, or beings who use dark magic. I think comparing his brand of vampire to some other types would be very helpful. I also think it's important to elaborate more on the involvement of demons for the sake of other people playing vampires or demons, or even for the sake of religious/spiritual characters. Since this is a pretty new take on vampires (or at least I think it is) it's important to address anything that defies the norm.
What's missing:
Information on what he does in his everyday life and more about him that doesn't have to do with being a vampire or socially/politically involved. Hobbies, occupations, more about his living situation, more about his living family, their reactions to his decision to become a vampire, and a lot of the information found in the writing section but put in more obvious/easier to find places on his profile. I'm also quite curious about his prosthetic leg and what life is like with a prosthetic leg.
Organization:
As I mentioned before, I think a lot of the information you can find in the writing section needs to be in other parts of the profile, since it's not immediately obvious how important that page is. I think the method you used to break down the supernatural page works well, but could really use something to break up the large blocks of text like different colors of text, indents, bullet points, line breaks, or images. I like how straight forward/direct all of the information is. It's clear and concise. However, don't be afraid to get descriptive! Also, if you wanted to cut down on the long list of weaknesses and such, you could collapse some sections. I noticed he has a lot of "traditional" vampire traits like an aversion to garlic and sunlight. I think you could easily group those traits together and collapse them. That way, people who are familiar with tradition vampires won't need to read it, but the information is still there for people who aren't familiar.
Questions:
Asher Delacroix wrote:
(This guy? He still needs a lot of fleshing out IMO)
Pros & cons:
Pros
His history is solid. He's very clearly a fighter, enduring hardship after hardship that shows how important survival and life is to him. He seemed to have a positive attitude from the very beginning, but his mother reinforced that even further by continuing to spend time with her children even while sick. I can see where his strong will to live comes from. I also like that vampirism didn't cause his leg to grow back or something, it has a good balance of strengths and weaknesses--though I think it would be okay to cut back on some of his weaknesses if you wanted to. I can imagine his weakness to salt, garlic, and silver is easy for other people to abuse. Your description of vampires is thorough and gives a lot of insight into the lore of vampires in his universe. The advantages and disadvantages are especially important, and the writing section does a good job of answering tons of questions in a format that lets us get a good idea of his personality. However...
Cons
The vampire lore is somewhat confusing, and I think part of that is because of his "brand" of vampirism. I wasn't sure how I felt about the comparison to a "parasitic demon". Parasite I can sort of understand, but demon? You say the deal is simple, but I didn't get that impression from the explanation. I'm unsure whether or not these demons have their own physical bodies, nor do I really understand what demons are in this context. This implies a lot about magic and spirituality in this world, but I'm mainly curious to know what demons are in terms of whether or not they're evil, unholy, or beings who use dark magic. I think comparing his brand of vampire to some other types would be very helpful. I also think it's important to elaborate more on the involvement of demons for the sake of other people playing vampires or demons, or even for the sake of religious/spiritual characters. Since this is a pretty new take on vampires (or at least I think it is) it's important to address anything that defies the norm.
What's missing:
Information on what he does in his everyday life and more about him that doesn't have to do with being a vampire or socially/politically involved. Hobbies, occupations, more about his living situation, more about his living family, their reactions to his decision to become a vampire, and a lot of the information found in the writing section but put in more obvious/easier to find places on his profile. I'm also quite curious about his prosthetic leg and what life is like with a prosthetic leg.
Organization:
As I mentioned before, I think a lot of the information you can find in the writing section needs to be in other parts of the profile, since it's not immediately obvious how important that page is. I think the method you used to break down the supernatural page works well, but could really use something to break up the large blocks of text like different colors of text, indents, bullet points, line breaks, or images. I like how straight forward/direct all of the information is. It's clear and concise. However, don't be afraid to get descriptive! Also, if you wanted to cut down on the long list of weaknesses and such, you could collapse some sections. I noticed he has a lot of "traditional" vampire traits like an aversion to garlic and sunlight. I think you could easily group those traits together and collapse them. That way, people who are familiar with tradition vampires won't need to read it, but the information is still there for people who aren't familiar.
Questions:
-
The writings page makes it seem like being a vampire is a new thing, or at the very least, something people don't know much about. At the same time, it seems to be a casual topic that you can discuss freely on the internet. So...
- Is he one of the first to admit to being a vampire? How did most people react?
- What kind of reactions did the existence of vampires draw out of religious people, the government, and scientists?
- Do most people know about the existence of vampires now?
- Are there any dangers to admitting you're a vampire?
- What was his opinion of vampires before becoming one?
- What about demons?
- Do most people know about demons now too?
- What other forms of vampirism are there?
- Did he get to choose what kind of vampire he'd be, and if so, why did he choose this particular form?
- What do you mean he's sterile but not impotent?
- Why does he cry bloody tears?
- How do demons get in contact with hosts if they can't get into the mortal realm on their own?
- What's his prosthetic made of? How did he obtain it? Was it expensive?
- Sometimes people with prosthetic limbs seem divided by whether or not they want people know they have a "disability". Does he like having a prosthetic that doesn't look like a "real" leg?
- How does he feel about any attention or questions he gets from having a prosthetic?
- What's life like, does he ever have to repair or change his prosthetic? Does it make anything difficult for him?
- What's his relationship with his family like now that he's a vampire?
- What are his strengths and weaknesses in terms of personality?
- Does he have or want to develop any particular skills?
- How does he handle the people he dislikes, particularly bigots?
- What about those who are violent towards him?
Yay in depth critique!
I added some more stuff in. If you'd like to take another look? I added in a few sections which I think should answer a lot of questions.
Okay so, let's go through this.
I left a lot about the "deal" obtuse on purpose. They're using their hosts as an incubator, so yes, that means there technically ARE demons wandering around in this world.
But hatched demons are insidious and subtle. Even better at hiding than Vampires are.
As to whether they're evil well, it all depends on your perspective. From Asher's perspective, anything that opposes the tyranny of god has to be a good thing, but those with solid faith who believe their deity to be loving and just might see them as stirrers of chaos. Certainly I don't believe they're ultruistic, they have a reason for all they do. In times of old man would have seen them as dangerous spirits, entities you only made a deal with out of desperation but one you knew such a deal with would come at great cost.
They are sort of... beings of smoke and shadow in our realm, unable to physically enter without very powerful ritual. The larvae, being smaller and weaker are easier to bring into the mortal realm to uh.. incubate.
Being born into the mortal realm gives them the foothold they need, allowing them to remain. And that's ultimately the plan. Why do they want to have any say in the mortal realm? Because it's full of delicious mortals to whip into frenzies, to manipulate and control and because the mortal realm is the pet project of the great "All Father" (God if you like) and messing with his toys is a great way to spit in his face.
I'm not sure how much detail to go into there purely because I don't want to offend religious people but I also wanted to give anyone playing a demon or religious person a chance to sort of weave their own mythos in there. I didn't want things too set in stone in that respect, keeping things flexible for rp purposes. Does that make sense?
I also intentionally didn't go on too much about his prosthetic purely because I didn't want to make a huge deal of it. It felt sort of ... I dunno, OTT to go on about it. I've added in a bit and a whole section of skills and disadvantages.
I intentially have left a few things out because I don't feel fully qualified to tackle those topics and feel like they don't need to be highlighted (like his race) right now. It's unlikely to come up in an rp.
Lemme answer questions:
The writings page makes it seem like being a vampire is a new thing, or at the very least, something people don't know much about. At the same time, it seems to be a casual topic that you can discuss freely on the internet. - You can discuss pretty much anything on the internet to be fair. There's forums for "real life vampires "irl so...
Nobody really takes them that seriously.
But I added in a thing about the history there. It's a bit "true Blood" in that respect. People found out vampires exist, now they're a thing.
Is he one of the first to admit to being a vampire? How did most people react? - Added this in. People reacted in different ways, quite a lot of people are still oblivious to his state.
What kind of reactions did the existence of vampires draw out of religious people, the government, and scientists? Drama, conflict, a lot of arguments.
Do most people know about the existence of vampires now? Most yes, though whether they believe it is another matter.
Are there any dangers to admitting you're a vampire? People fear what they don't understand so yes, definitely. From hate crime to outright getting yourself killed. There's no specific laws protecting vampires yet.
What was his opinion of vampires before becoming one? He had no idea they existed back then, the "outing" of vampires is a recent event.
What about demons? He grew up with religion in his background but never gave much thought to demons being actually real. However, his attitudes now are quite strong so i've added this in to his personality section.
Do most people know about demons now too? No, that isn't something people are really ready to talk about.
What other forms of vampirism are there? Any myth has a kernal of truth. I did this intentionally, it means however another player has built their vampire, they fit the setting. It was an intentional conceit to make rp easier. Basically you can throw any vampire you want into this and they'll work.
Did he get to choose what kind of vampire he'd be, and if so, why did he choose this particular form? I added info on this. Your sire determines your subtype, they're bloodlines, kinda like Vampire: the masquerade
What do you mean he's sterile but not impotent? I mean exactly what I say. He can't produce offspring, but mechanically things work. He's infertile. Some vampires this is different for so... yeah. I mention it only because I find that vampire rps often attract people desiring a certain SORT of rp. I don't play my vampires as hedonistic seduction types, but because that's apparently unusual, I have to mention it.
Why does he cry bloody tears? Because his biology has been hijacked and no longer functions like normal. Every other fluid his body produces is tinted with blood which is seeping through from his system. So yeah, blood tinted spit, blood tinted tears, ahem. Also because in a lot of myths I found it was a trait of vampirism. When I build my vampires I always trawl through myths and legends heh, I pick the bits I like or think would be interesting to incorperate. Bloody tears is a vampire trope at this point, I embraced it.
How do demons get in contact with hosts if they can't get into the mortal realm on their own? There's a ritual, something inately known by the host but something they know instinctively, and can't really explain. Presumably initially the first of this subtype literally summoned a demon and made the original deal, since then their bloodline have used this ritual. I have actually now played out this ritual in an rp so I know more about it, whooo. But put simply, both parties don't remember a lot of it, it's scary, it's exhausting and their brains can't handle it so they block out most of it.
What's his prosthetic made of? How did he obtain it? Was it expensive? Carbon Fiber and yes, yes it was expensive. It's a custom piece, he bought it from an artist who makes custom fitted prosthetics (there are a few around the world)
Sometimes people with prosthetic limbs seem divided by whether or not they want people know they have a "disability". Does he like having a prosthetic that doesn't look like a "real" leg? He can't see any point hiding it. He's quite candid about being an amputee. He's had a prosthetic since he was very young (about 8 or 9) so it's just a part of him now, something he's pretty comfortable with.
How does he feel about any attention or questions he gets from having a prosthetic? He's happy to answer those questions. People generally are too polite to ask though.
What's life like, does he ever have to repair or change his prosthetic? Does it make anything difficult for him? From my understanding of it, yes they wear out. Every few years you need to get a new one or replace parts so it's something he'll have to keep doing the rest of his life.
Obviously having a prosthetic will make certain activities a little more challenging, but in his day to day life he's pretty accustomed to it. If he walks or stands too long he gets pain, which can be an issue at work where he's standing for hours but his workplace have made adjustments for him. He can sit down when it's quieter. Which helps.
And he's kinda stuck if someone decided to take it off him too. That isn't fun. I added this info into his disadvantages. I didn't want to make him have too many challenges there because from my observations, a vast majority of amputees are actually very very capable.
What's his relationship with his family like now that he's a vampire? Added this in! He keeps in touch with his family.
What are his strengths and weaknesses in terms of personality? I wrote up a full personality description which should help here.
Does he have or want to develop any particular skills? Added in a skills and talents section!
How does he handle the people he dislikes, particularly bigots? I added this a bit into personality. He's highly non violent, but he'll call you out on your nastiness for sure. He's more likely to yell and rant than anything else.
What about those who are violent towards him? Thankfully this hasn't happened yet, but as he's non violent I should imagine his reaction would be the RUN. He's not a fighting sort, I can't picture him punching someone even in self defence. Trying to restrain the other person maybe, trying to get away, but I don't think he'd fight back.
I added some more stuff in. If you'd like to take another look? I added in a few sections which I think should answer a lot of questions.
Okay so, let's go through this.
I left a lot about the "deal" obtuse on purpose. They're using their hosts as an incubator, so yes, that means there technically ARE demons wandering around in this world.
But hatched demons are insidious and subtle. Even better at hiding than Vampires are.
As to whether they're evil well, it all depends on your perspective. From Asher's perspective, anything that opposes the tyranny of god has to be a good thing, but those with solid faith who believe their deity to be loving and just might see them as stirrers of chaos. Certainly I don't believe they're ultruistic, they have a reason for all they do. In times of old man would have seen them as dangerous spirits, entities you only made a deal with out of desperation but one you knew such a deal with would come at great cost.
They are sort of... beings of smoke and shadow in our realm, unable to physically enter without very powerful ritual. The larvae, being smaller and weaker are easier to bring into the mortal realm to uh.. incubate.
Being born into the mortal realm gives them the foothold they need, allowing them to remain. And that's ultimately the plan. Why do they want to have any say in the mortal realm? Because it's full of delicious mortals to whip into frenzies, to manipulate and control and because the mortal realm is the pet project of the great "All Father" (God if you like) and messing with his toys is a great way to spit in his face.
I'm not sure how much detail to go into there purely because I don't want to offend religious people but I also wanted to give anyone playing a demon or religious person a chance to sort of weave their own mythos in there. I didn't want things too set in stone in that respect, keeping things flexible for rp purposes. Does that make sense?
I also intentionally didn't go on too much about his prosthetic purely because I didn't want to make a huge deal of it. It felt sort of ... I dunno, OTT to go on about it. I've added in a bit and a whole section of skills and disadvantages.
I intentially have left a few things out because I don't feel fully qualified to tackle those topics and feel like they don't need to be highlighted (like his race) right now. It's unlikely to come up in an rp.
Lemme answer questions:
The writings page makes it seem like being a vampire is a new thing, or at the very least, something people don't know much about. At the same time, it seems to be a casual topic that you can discuss freely on the internet. - You can discuss pretty much anything on the internet to be fair. There's forums for "real life vampires "irl so...
Nobody really takes them that seriously.
But I added in a thing about the history there. It's a bit "true Blood" in that respect. People found out vampires exist, now they're a thing.
Is he one of the first to admit to being a vampire? How did most people react? - Added this in. People reacted in different ways, quite a lot of people are still oblivious to his state.
What kind of reactions did the existence of vampires draw out of religious people, the government, and scientists? Drama, conflict, a lot of arguments.
Do most people know about the existence of vampires now? Most yes, though whether they believe it is another matter.
Are there any dangers to admitting you're a vampire? People fear what they don't understand so yes, definitely. From hate crime to outright getting yourself killed. There's no specific laws protecting vampires yet.
What was his opinion of vampires before becoming one? He had no idea they existed back then, the "outing" of vampires is a recent event.
What about demons? He grew up with religion in his background but never gave much thought to demons being actually real. However, his attitudes now are quite strong so i've added this in to his personality section.
Do most people know about demons now too? No, that isn't something people are really ready to talk about.
What other forms of vampirism are there? Any myth has a kernal of truth. I did this intentionally, it means however another player has built their vampire, they fit the setting. It was an intentional conceit to make rp easier. Basically you can throw any vampire you want into this and they'll work.
Did he get to choose what kind of vampire he'd be, and if so, why did he choose this particular form? I added info on this. Your sire determines your subtype, they're bloodlines, kinda like Vampire: the masquerade
What do you mean he's sterile but not impotent? I mean exactly what I say. He can't produce offspring, but mechanically things work. He's infertile. Some vampires this is different for so... yeah. I mention it only because I find that vampire rps often attract people desiring a certain SORT of rp. I don't play my vampires as hedonistic seduction types, but because that's apparently unusual, I have to mention it.
Why does he cry bloody tears? Because his biology has been hijacked and no longer functions like normal. Every other fluid his body produces is tinted with blood which is seeping through from his system. So yeah, blood tinted spit, blood tinted tears, ahem. Also because in a lot of myths I found it was a trait of vampirism. When I build my vampires I always trawl through myths and legends heh, I pick the bits I like or think would be interesting to incorperate. Bloody tears is a vampire trope at this point, I embraced it.
How do demons get in contact with hosts if they can't get into the mortal realm on their own? There's a ritual, something inately known by the host but something they know instinctively, and can't really explain. Presumably initially the first of this subtype literally summoned a demon and made the original deal, since then their bloodline have used this ritual. I have actually now played out this ritual in an rp so I know more about it, whooo. But put simply, both parties don't remember a lot of it, it's scary, it's exhausting and their brains can't handle it so they block out most of it.
What's his prosthetic made of? How did he obtain it? Was it expensive? Carbon Fiber and yes, yes it was expensive. It's a custom piece, he bought it from an artist who makes custom fitted prosthetics (there are a few around the world)
Sometimes people with prosthetic limbs seem divided by whether or not they want people know they have a "disability". Does he like having a prosthetic that doesn't look like a "real" leg? He can't see any point hiding it. He's quite candid about being an amputee. He's had a prosthetic since he was very young (about 8 or 9) so it's just a part of him now, something he's pretty comfortable with.
How does he feel about any attention or questions he gets from having a prosthetic? He's happy to answer those questions. People generally are too polite to ask though.
What's life like, does he ever have to repair or change his prosthetic? Does it make anything difficult for him? From my understanding of it, yes they wear out. Every few years you need to get a new one or replace parts so it's something he'll have to keep doing the rest of his life.
Obviously having a prosthetic will make certain activities a little more challenging, but in his day to day life he's pretty accustomed to it. If he walks or stands too long he gets pain, which can be an issue at work where he's standing for hours but his workplace have made adjustments for him. He can sit down when it's quieter. Which helps.
And he's kinda stuck if someone decided to take it off him too. That isn't fun. I added this info into his disadvantages. I didn't want to make him have too many challenges there because from my observations, a vast majority of amputees are actually very very capable.
What's his relationship with his family like now that he's a vampire? Added this in! He keeps in touch with his family.
What are his strengths and weaknesses in terms of personality? I wrote up a full personality description which should help here.
Does he have or want to develop any particular skills? Added in a skills and talents section!
How does he handle the people he dislikes, particularly bigots? I added this a bit into personality. He's highly non violent, but he'll call you out on your nastiness for sure. He's more likely to yell and rant than anything else.
What about those who are violent towards him? Thankfully this hasn't happened yet, but as he's non violent I should imagine his reaction would be the RUN. He's not a fighting sort, I can't picture him punching someone even in self defence. Trying to restrain the other person maybe, trying to get away, but I don't think he'd fight back.
I'm actually looking to do some cleaning up on this guys profile. and figure out where to go form on this character. I would like to make it easy to read and understand this character as well as figure out what I need to move this character a long for character growth so that I may find a rp partner that would be interested in that.
I'd like if you could critique Gwen, she's one of my favorites but I know she needs development in some sections.
I drew up this character a few weeks ago and finally tried to put out some info on him.. He's meant to be mostly irredeemable. (Mostly.......) ;v; If it's okay I would appreciate a critique..!
how’s about this one??
Just wanted to thank you for your critique, Bunny! It was wonderful and extremely thoughtful, and it's inspired me to make a few changes.
You're very kind to do this! Thanks again!
You're very kind to do this! Thanks again!
I’m generally curious, I still have a lot to add and part of the background is missing, but I want to know what others think
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