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Forums » Smalltalk » Thankfulness. A tad late, but never too late.

Despite the fact that both Canadian and United States Thanksgiving have both come and gone this year, I have felt an overwhelming need to sit down and truly write out what it is that I am grateful for in my life. I want to take a moment to shed a little bit of my protective skin and expose myself to the public in a quiet little corner here. I am not asking for responses, or anything. I simply wish to let things out and give myself a good refresher on some major positives in my life.

The reason for this is because lately I have been feeling an overwhelming negativity swarming my body, sort of encapsulating my thoughts and my mannerisms towards other people. I have said unkind things, and I have thought even more aggressive things. I react harshly, even explosively, to things that do not call for it.

So with this, to anyone I have lashed out at lately, I am sorry for that. I do not change my opinions on things I have said, and my feelings are indeed valid in their own right, but I could have handled some things much better.

To give a little bit of explanation, because I am also prone to over explaining... I am currently dealing with a very painful abscess in my upper jaw. It's roughly half the size of a walnut. It was a bit bigger, but I'm now on some pretty strong antibiotics and pain medication, gone to emergency twice for it, and am on the mend. Both medications make me quite out of it, increase my emotional reactions, while also somehow shoving me off in to space as though nothing exists and everything is an undiscovered mass of "uuuhhhhh...." zoning. So, if this post seems a little wonky with speech, or trails off in weird rambles then that is your warning.

I am also unfortunately dealing with two very traumatic events. One is more so than the other, but they both are weighing heavily on me in a way I didn't think they could.

My grandmother on my father's side is in ICU for a severe stroke, and she'll be kept in ICU under constant watch because her blood pressure seems to refuse to relax and was the original cause for her stroke. She's a very stubborn and independent person, so I'm not surprised that she's angry with what's happened to her and becoming increasingly frustrated. She's lost her ability to speak and respond, but she can understand what's being said to her. She's a very vocal person, so I understand how angry she's going to remain at with this proverbial tape on her mouth. My heart is broken at this, because she's such a strong person, but everyone has to be reminded that no one is safe from tragedy. It's cruel, and I feel lost while I try and process these feelings.

My grandfather on my mother's side, who I have a very estranged relationship with(we haven't spoken since I was a very young child) has also suffered a massive stroke. I know less of his state because my uncles are difficult to get to communicate with the rest of us. I don't hate my grandfather, he hurt my grandmother horribly and made a massive betrayal, but he was still someone I have fond memories of from my childhood. It still hurts.

Anyhow, I want to start off with things that I am thankful for about myself.
  • I am thankful for how independent I actually am, versus the false idea in my head that I'm unable to function on my own.
  • I am thankful for my drive in my work ethic. I do not consider myself a workaholic, I love lazy days off just as much as I enjoy getting up and out of the house with the purpose of drawing in income.
  • I am thankful for my strength in overcoming that adversities I've suffered in my life, and proving to myself time and time again that I am not weak, nor a failure, and that I am a determined and powerful individual.
  • I am thankful for my self preservation, because without it there have been too many times where I would have allowed someone else to drown me in the mud of their own demons.
  • I am thankful for my honesty not only with my friends, but with myself.
  • I am thankful for my insistence on not only doing better in the future, but also striving to be better than my past selves.
  • I am thankful for my intelligence and deserve more credit than I give to myself. It's a work in process, but I'll get there.

The next thing I want to bring up as being thankful for are people in my life. I will be linking to them, of course. I am not listing people in any specific order, but because I'm biased my husband always comes first.

All pixel images belong to Pixelins and are given with permission to use with credit.

gfe44jQ.gif Demilicious, my very passionate, creative, wild explorer. I am thankful for you because you have helped guide me through some of the toughest, most tiring, and down right difficult places in my life. I have been encouraged to strive, survive, and become better than I am, by you. I found a strength in myself with a fire you lit under me that I didn't know how badly I needed until it was there. You nurture my passions, strengthen my morals, and make me continue to question the world around me in search of endless questions, and bewildering answers to the universe. I have crossed mountain ranges, uprooted myself, and crossed thousands of miles to plant my feet in a soil that not only nourishes me for who I am, but continues to push me to grow in adversity when it shows itself. You do all of this for me, but you never let me do it alone. For you I am so thankful, because without that little message in my tumblr inbox, showing me this little sprinkle of kindness when I was in a place that made me feel that there was nothing left for me in the world, I know the pit I would be in. While it was not your responsibility to rescue me, you managed to do so without realizing it. You gave me the strength to do so for myself. That is something unequivocally a blessing in my life. <3

ktHB46i.gif LuxofLight, thank you for being a beaming ray of cute, sweet, and unapologetic innocent sunshine. You are always supportive, ready to help when it's needed, and always giving some absolutely amazing hugs. Thank you for being a blessing, a sparkle in the world, and a caring soul. Thank you for being so much fun to have good laughs, watch movies, dumb TV shows, and share in some creative outlets. You are a pertinent part of my life, and I love you to bits and pieces. Thank you for always having this amazing open door policy, and being here for me and Demi when we're in need. Your kindness and generosity are appreciated with an immeasurable love and adoration. <3

7OUlU4G.pngDorianM, I want to thank you for providing me with a new safe space to be true to my feelings and remember that I am deserving of friends. It's been a long road for me, finding people that I think I can stand with to only have the rug ripped out from under me. I know how much that's a repeated cliche from hundreds of thousands of people across the globe. I know my experiences, I know what I did wrong in those friendships, and I know that I still deserved better than what I got. It's because of you that I started to feel safe opening myself towards people again. It's taken time, but you've helped me come back from some things that I thought had finally sealed up the door. Cliche teenage angst speak aside, I appreciate your kindness, your patience, your enthusiasm, your generosity, and your determination to be my friend and build a bond with me that I very much needed. <3

WxUgWZZ.gifMurder, I want to thank you for somehow springing to life a part of me I didn't even know existed. You lit a flame to my desire to write, and you brought me something that I'd been hoping to see for several years now. You put a fire in Demi to write again, because I haven't seen him write this passionately and happily since I met him. I appreciate and love you for the fun you've shown me, your delightful snark, and your greediness to obtain all of my attention and more. Your friendship is a joy and a unquestionable perfection. I am so eager to continue making adventures with you. <3

wspFVqC.pngSmileyChesh, you are so incredibly intelligent, witty, funny, and just an absolute joy to get to know. I am thankful to call you my friend, and I definitely enjoy sharing games, I enjoy staying up all night, or even during the day, just hanging out with you and the rest of the chat gang. It's a lot of fun that I didn't really think I'd be quite so eager to enjoy. I adore being social with you, learning more about Karol and Bean, and confusing your mother. I am eager to see where Pavisnea goes when you launch it, and I want you to know you've got my support 100% of the way with your choices you're making. Thank you for being my friend, and thank you for always being so kind and caring. <3

A4h2Y51.gifYukiNoKami, you are a wondrous, creative, talented, and beautifully sculpted soul. You have so much to give, so much talent to show the world, and by gods woman, you really should let yourself see it. Thank you for being so unapologetically you. Thank you for not being angry with me after we stopped talking for those years, thank you for being understanding when I fell off the face of the Earth. Thank you for standing with me, supporting me, and encouraging me. Thank you for coming back in to my life. Thank you for being the strong, effervescent creature. There is so much storm for you to conquer, but I know that you're going to break the clouds and make your stand. You've got a long way to go, but I can see you moving mountains. You have so much potential, so much to go for, and I'm proud of you. I'm so thankful and happy to call you my friend. <3

kecCFfb.gifKamui, you are talented, wild spirited, and a force to reckon with. I'm so thankful to have gotten to know you, to really know quite a lot about you. I'm thankful for your quirkiness, your abrupt personality, and thankful for the talks we have. I still don't get why it feels like you look up to me, or you're just eager to get me to praise you or give you attention. I think it's incredibly sweet, and I'm thankful for your attention towards me. I may act like a grump sometimes, but I hope you never take it as though I don't like you. I adore you, and I'm so happy to offer my friendship back to you in return. Thank you for being my friend, Kamui. <3

PQ6iT5T.pngTerrid, thank you for the late night chats. Thank you for being a voice in the dark when all else is quiet. Thank you for so easily putting up with my silence, my rambles, and my incessant demands for more replies to our story. You've been a great person to get to know, and while we still don't know tons about each other, I still feel welcome to call you a very good friend. You're an awesome writer, a fun person to chat with, and I am thankful for our commonality in games and lore. <3

m2TGXrJ.pngKamizombie, thank you for being such a long lasted friend. We have had some major ups and downs, but you've stuck with me through the hardest of them. It's a rare thing to find a friend who can stick through some of the worst sides of who they are, but you've managed it for over 7 years now. Your friendship has been a great blessing to me, and I am grateful to call you one of my closest friends. Thank you for sharing your life with me when you very much never had to do anything more than write with me from the beginning. Thank you for growing as a person with me, and forgiving me for my worst behaviours. Thank you for being open enough to tell me when I'm being a crap friend, and thank you for allowing me to return that same openness. Thank you for gaming with me, and showing me some seriously fun lore and games. Thank you, truly, from the bottom of my heart for also providing me with a place where I got to meet quite a few amazing people and enjoy an actual friend group that converses and does things together. Thank you for everything. <3

tBZeDT0.pngLSaDiablo, the person I've known the longest, had some interesting past with, and someone who's family to me. Thank you for being my friend, a shoulder, and a genuine delight. I know I'm always quiet, I know I'm always disappearing. Thank you for being patient with me, understanding why I do what I do, and thank you for being you. Thank you for trusting in me your feelings and fears, thank you for coming back in to my life after those people tried to rip us completely apart. You've been through hell and back, and out of it you found me again. I am thankful for your messages, the little notes you leave me. I am grateful to be someone you lean on so comfortably, but are also so very willing to support me in return. You are a very special person, my brother, and your acceptance of who I have become after leaving behind the person you met first, that is something I cannot even remotely explain an iota of how thankful of that I am. Just... thank you. <3

Not everyone that I am friends with is on this list. However, I beg of you not to take it personally. There are so many of you I want to thank, so many people I think about on a regular basis. So many people who have touched my life in a way that I didn't think possible. Ten years ago I would have never imagined my life to be where it is right now. Ten years ago I was certain I'd be living alone with my mother and grandmother, tired, unloved, and unwelcome in any community.

I am so grateful for all of the people who talk to me, keep me in their thoughts, and especially those that persevere through what I would call tests and trials of fortitude, because I am a monster. I'm the final boss, but my friendship is also the prize. I have put quite a few people through some tough situations, tough choices, but I've never done so with malicious intent, or insidious joy of it. I have only ever wanted to have friends like these, and of course greedily I want more from them still.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for letting me be me.
I'm so glad that both of you came into my life. I had no idea when I joined your group that I'd be gaining two best of friends and two people who inspire me constantly. It never fails to astound me how much you and I have in common, even while being so very different. I love writing with you and getting to giggle through our shared interests, explore parts of our inspiration that has been quiet for some time, and of course the more real part of our friendship. You're a light, and I can't wait for the months to fly by so that I can more clearly tell you how much I adore you. <3
Somewhere in the distance, you hear sobbing. It's her. It's Kamui. She's crying all over her computer oh-gods dangit, don't get it wet! It's already-*sighs*.

hadesssss. thank you so muchhhh hnfngf this makes my heart hurted in such a good way or maybe it's anxiety palpitation. i haven't quite figured it out this past year? year and a half? dear gods idk tbh, but all I know is that the length of time I've spent talking with you and Demi and everyone else has helped me through so much. After divorces and evictions and lots of tears and several moves, being able to talk to you and everyone else has been one of my biggest highlights of 2018, 2019, and I can't wait for it to be a highlight of 2020 too.

maybe one day I'll head on over to y'all and just give you a great big hug. sort of. as big of a hug as my tiny behind can give.

ilsym hades!!!!
So, I know I'm in call with you rn while I'm typing this. :CheshEmoji: (This doesn't have my emojis :CheshCryEmoji:) but I felt an official record needed to be made to fully convey my love for you, in public where everyone can see it!! :CheshSwagEmoji:

Can't wait to come see you guys in the summer. Chats have been great, I actually have something to look forward to each day! I always feel a little perk when I see you guys in the chat, and I usually get right into my computer chair to join! And oh my goddess this past week for you. Dear. Sweetie. Hubby. Your poor cheek. I'm not good with really conveying my concern, but I've been worrying about you so much. You're a sweet chompy crocodile. I feel like Karol's suddenly really come out of her antisocial shell the past months, and I feel like it's been primarily from little changes I've done once you brought my attention to some of her more specific behaviour. I just about cried last night, she actually slept with me!

You and Demi are the sweetest people, and it's an honour to have you supporting Pavisnea. It's been my precious little passion-baby for years, and I've given up on it way too quickly due to lack of confidence. You've REALLY helped, just showing interest in it. I can't put into words how much your support means to me.
Now that the dice have decided I am officially naughty, I can call you sweet Baby with impunity! :D

Joking aside, I am as thankful to be your friend, and that you and Demi are mine, and I have been learning to trust more, and be more open and myself since I have been part of Tam'nyer-a'. This, in turn, has made me creative and happier.

We are each holding space for the other in this friendship, and it's a beautiful thing. <3
What a beautiful share Hadeslicious! There is nothing like having true friends to support you no matter what and to be able to confide in and share deeply.

Reading this got my eye all watery. Thanks for sharing this!
You and All the people you mention are inspiring and it's so wonderful seeing such close friends share their love for each other!!

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