Rattlesnake wrote:
If we keep ourselves humble and kind we will always have good fortunes. If you are not liking a role play, it’s best to just be an adult and say something, and use your words.
I'm not sure if you missed the comments where people have mentioned being accused of ghosting unreasonably fast or of having literally no choice in the matter for an extended period, but that is a thing. It's also a thing that not everyone on this site is an adult. I know you meant well, but a lot of what you said came across as pretty condescending to me, and I'd hazard a guess to some others as well.
Also... I'm still working on recovering from the Fair Universe Fallacy. It's really messed a lot of things up in my life and massively dis-empowered me. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll continue doing my best to be a decent person and all, but I know better than to expect that to make everything all nice and hunky-dory.
Aardbei wrote:
Someone who chooses to vanish without telling me is wasting my time and one of those finite slots, because unlike them, I am treating it like a commitment.
Lack of any sense commitment (or awareness that there are different levels of commitment and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is a job or absolute obligation) definitely can be a common way for this issue to propagate. I wanted to add that the reverse can also be true, when a sense of commitment leads to overwhelm. I have no idea how common or uncommon it may be, but I know that I experience it both ways: sometimes I need a sense of obligation on some level to be able to focus on something, and sometime that sense skips me right over to feeling overwhelmed and becoming immediately useless. I've been trying to get better at finding the right way to balance and/or respond to these things for years, but I'm not sure I've actually improved any yet. I think that at best, it's given me a little more room to identify some of the underlying issues, but efforts to then correct those haven't progressed much, yet. So now I'm basically in a place where I'm frequently trying to assure myself that it's normal for change to take time.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
snorkmaiden wrote:
on top of this, i am really rejection sensitive. i constantly assume people do not like me or find me to be strange or annoying, i guess as a form of self-punishment because from what ive been learning lately it isn't generally true (much to my utter SHOCK), and this can directly affect my decisions when it comes to ghosting. i know it is 100% irrational but i hate bothering people, i hate the idea that im subjecting them to a friendship they might not want. so i will ghost first sometimes thinking that it is the best way, especially if we havent talked in a while. the yawning voids and lack of feedback make me feel anxious.
again, not rational, not justifying my actions at all lol i am working on not being so uncomfortable with not only myself but other people. trying to be less of an alien
again, not rational, not justifying my actions at all lol i am working on not being so uncomfortable with not only myself but other people. trying to be less of an alien
Hey, just want to let you know you're seen. I'm very familiar with a lot of those feels, and I know a lot of the pain it can produce.
Zelphyr wrote:
Lack of any sense commitment (or awareness that there are different levels of commitment and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is a job or absolute obligation) definitely can be a common way for this issue to propagate. I wanted to add that the reverse can also be true, when a sense of commitment leads to overwhelm. I have no idea how common or uncommon it may be, but I know that I experience it both ways: sometimes I need a sense of obligation on some level to be able to focus on something, and sometime that sense skips me right over to feeling overwhelmed and becoming immediately useless. I've been trying to get better at finding the right way to balance and/or respond to these things for years, but I'm not sure I've actually improved any yet. I think that at best, it's given me a little more room to identify some of the underlying issues, but efforts to then correct those haven't progressed much, yet. So now I'm basically in a place where I'm frequently trying to assure myself that it's normal for change to take time.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
Lack of any sense commitment (or awareness that there are different levels of commitment and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is a job or absolute obligation) definitely can be a common way for this issue to propagate. I wanted to add that the reverse can also be true, when a sense of commitment leads to overwhelm. I have no idea how common or uncommon it may be, but I know that I experience it both ways: sometimes I need a sense of obligation on some level to be able to focus on something, and sometime that sense skips me right over to feeling overwhelmed and becoming immediately useless. I've been trying to get better at finding the right way to balance and/or respond to these things for years, but I'm not sure I've actually improved any yet. I think that at best, it's given me a little more room to identify some of the underlying issues, but efforts to then correct those haven't progressed much, yet. So now I'm basically in a place where I'm frequently trying to assure myself that it's normal for change to take time.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
Aardbei wrote:
Someone who chooses to vanish without telling me is wasting my time and one of those finite slots, because unlike them, I am treating it like a commitment.
Lack of any sense commitment (or awareness that there are different levels of commitment and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is a job or absolute obligation) definitely can be a common way for this issue to propagate. I wanted to add that the reverse can also be true, when a sense of commitment leads to overwhelm. I have no idea how common or uncommon it may be, but I know that I experience it both ways: sometimes I need a sense of obligation on some level to be able to focus on something, and sometime that sense skips me right over to feeling overwhelmed and becoming immediately useless. I've been trying to get better at finding the right way to balance and/or respond to these things for years, but I'm not sure I've actually improved any yet. I think that at best, it's given me a little more room to identify some of the underlying issues, but efforts to then correct those haven't progressed much, yet. So now I'm basically in a place where I'm frequently trying to assure myself that it's normal for change to take time.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
Eh, sorry, but unless you got some super serious stuff going on, I don't see why you can't spend one minute to tell someone, hey I gotta go on hiatus/end the rp. Golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and I assume none of us wanted to be ghosted. I'm nice, I'm friendly, if something is going on, just tell me. I totally get it and have no problem waiting or accepting if you need to end things. Now if you ghost me, I won't understand because it's rude and shows that you don't give a dang about your partners.
Am I being a tad harsh? Sure, but I even mention it in my rp ads how much I hate ghosting and how perfectly happy/understanding I am when given notice and I still get ghosted all the frickin time. I'm just sick of the discourtesy when I try to offer nothing, but courtesy in turn. I'm just sick of it and have pretty much been drained of any sympathy I might have had.
Katia wrote:
Eh, sorry, but unless you got some super serious stuff going on, I don't see why you can't spend one minute to tell someone, hey I gotta go on hiatus/end the rp. Golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and I assume none of us wanted to be ghosted. I'm nice, I'm friendly, if something is going on, just tell me. I totally get it and have no problem waiting or accepting if you need to end things. Now if you ghost me, I won't understand because it's rude and shows that you don't give a dang about your partners.
Am I being a tad harsh? Sure, but I even mention it in my rp ads how much I hate ghosting and how perfectly happy/understanding I am when given notice and I still get ghosted all the frickin time. I'm just sick of the discourtesy when I try to offer nothing, but courtesy in turn. I'm just sick of it and have pretty much been drained of any sympathy I might have had.
Am I being a tad harsh? Sure, but I even mention it in my rp ads how much I hate ghosting and how perfectly happy/understanding I am when given notice and I still get ghosted all the frickin time. I'm just sick of the discourtesy when I try to offer nothing, but courtesy in turn. I'm just sick of it and have pretty much been drained of any sympathy I might have had.
I think maybe something isn't getting across...?
I can't speak for others, but as I think I've said before (maybe not this time around though, not sure), I don't intentionally ghost people. I try to keep track of things to reduce the chance of forgetting about them, and encourage people to reach out to me to help counter the times I do forget. I don't forget because I don't care; I forget because it continues to get harder and harder for me to keep track of anything, sometimes even if I remembered to take my meds that day, and because I've been trying to respond to something for a long enough time that my brain will just stop registering it. Sometimes I'm having trouble responding because I'm too tired to think straight, or busy at the moment and figure I can get to it shortly, or my mental health is massively crashing, or something is making me feel like the other person would actually like my to shut up and is just too "polite" to tell me and I'm having trouble fighting back against that idea again for any of a number of different reasons (the vast majority of which are absolutely my sole responsibility to handle, yes, but that doesn't mean its easy), or other reasons. When overwhelm is my reason, the "you don't give a dang about your partners" is wholly wrong. In cases where the overwhelm isn't entirely blocking out my awareness of this whole site, it's there because I care too much about my partners and what they think and how they feel, and am simply doing a terrible job of handling that appropriately.
I'm not trying to argue that ghosting is good or harmless or anything like that. I know it hurts. I know it's especially painful to many of us who have our own issues and limitations, a lot like how finding out you paid for a broken product is going to generally be most harmful to those who are already struggling to make their money stretch far enough.
I'm just trying to point out that when folks bring in assumptions, passive aggression, sometime active aggression, etc on things like this, (from any side, mind you), that it only seems to reinforce the divide and increase the issue. For me, at least, it makes me want to keep pulling back even more. Being upset is understandable and maintaining ones personal boundaries is good, but adding more shame to an issue that's already largely based in a an overly-potent sense of shame isn't going to magically fix anything.
And, once more, I certainly can't speak for anyone but myself... but in terms of how "serious" the things going on can be, there are often times where it's the kind of "serious" that I'm literally not allowed to talk about here. I'm sorry, this probably counts as a potshot or something, but its been something that's been continuing to frustrate me more and more. Again, sorry. Dropping it now.
Zelphyr wrote:
Katia wrote:
Eh, sorry, but unless you got some super serious stuff going on, I don't see why you can't spend one minute to tell someone, hey I gotta go on hiatus/end the rp. Golden rule, treat others the way you want to be treated and I assume none of us wanted to be ghosted. I'm nice, I'm friendly, if something is going on, just tell me. I totally get it and have no problem waiting or accepting if you need to end things. Now if you ghost me, I won't understand because it's rude and shows that you don't give a dang about your partners.
Am I being a tad harsh? Sure, but I even mention it in my rp ads how much I hate ghosting and how perfectly happy/understanding I am when given notice and I still get ghosted all the frickin time. I'm just sick of the discourtesy when I try to offer nothing, but courtesy in turn. I'm just sick of it and have pretty much been drained of any sympathy I might have had.
Am I being a tad harsh? Sure, but I even mention it in my rp ads how much I hate ghosting and how perfectly happy/understanding I am when given notice and I still get ghosted all the frickin time. I'm just sick of the discourtesy when I try to offer nothing, but courtesy in turn. I'm just sick of it and have pretty much been drained of any sympathy I might have had.
I think maybe something isn't getting across...?
I can't speak for others, but as I think I've said before (maybe not this time around though, not sure), I don't intentionally ghost people. I try to keep track of things to reduce the chance of forgetting about them, and encourage people to reach out to me to help counter the times I do forget. I don't forget because I don't care; I forget because it continues to get harder and harder for me to keep track of anything, sometimes even if I remembered to take my meds that day, and because I've been trying to respond to something for a long enough time that my brain will just stop registering it. Sometimes I'm having trouble responding because I'm too tired to think straight, or busy at the moment and figure I can get to it shortly, or my mental health is massively crashing, or something is making me feel like the other person would actually like my to shut up and is just too "polite" to tell me and I'm having trouble fighting back against that idea again for any of a number of different reasons (the vast majority of which are absolutely my sole responsibility to handle, yes, but that doesn't mean its easy), or other reasons. When overwhelm is my reason, the "you don't give a dang about your partners" is wholly wrong. In cases where the overwhelm isn't entirely blocking out my awareness of this whole site, it's there because I care too much about my partners and what they think and how they feel, and am simply doing a terrible job of handling that appropriately.
I'm not trying to argue that ghosting is good or harmless or anything like that. I know it hurts. I know it's especially painful to many of us who have our own issues and limitations, a lot like how finding out you paid for a broken product is going to generally be most harmful to those who are already struggling to make their money stretch far enough.
I'm just trying to point out that when folks bring in assumptions, passive aggression, sometime active aggression, etc on things like this, (from any side, mind you), that it only seems to reinforce the divide and increase the issue. For me, at least, it makes me want to keep pulling back even more. Being upset is understandable and maintaining ones personal boundaries is good, but adding more shame to an issue that's already largely based in a an overly-potent sense of shame isn't going to magically fix anything.
And, once more, I certainly can't speak for anyone but myself... but in terms of how "serious" the things going on can be, there are often times where it's the kind of "serious" that I'm literally not allowed to talk about here. I'm sorry, this probably counts as a potshot or something, but its been something that's been continuing to frustrate me more and more. Again, sorry. Dropping it now.
Ok thanks for the reminders on things I forgot. I don't get mad or anything against people who need a reminder. I generally do try to check in or send a friendly nudge just in case and offer to not do so in the future if they don't like them. No the ones that tick me off are the ones who completely blow me off when I try to check in. Now by that, I don't mean a few days, but like week(s) with complete radio silence despite my attempts to ask hey what's up.
Also if you think that someone has a bunch of red flags that makes you think it's a better idea to ghost them, then fair enough. Never had to do that myself, but I'm probably just lucky in that regard. Also don't apologize, I appreciate hearing your feedback. Sorry that I got a bit heated and I didn't mean to make you feel bad.
... huh.
If it's happened multiple times in a row I'd be paranoid about sock puppet accounts / bullying.
I don't really ghost and never thought others were doing so -- I'll let an unanswered roleplay sit unbothered for YEARS because I assume the writer just found a more engaging use of their spare time, like hobby hyperfixation or just... aaaany other alleviation of boredom or social craving.
scratch that, i DID ghost a single solitary writing partner, for gross behavior like character edging-in on the narration to force their preferred ship and romantic genre when that wasn't the theme of the roleplay, nor even the cast we started out maining. they then argued on behalf of 'trading' in on roleplay interests, like they suffer through what i want to write so i would have to suffer through what they wanted to write and like, man, what.
No. what. why.
No.
so by definition i just dropped all contact and blocked them from every avenue of communication. miss me with that transactional nonsense, not even to mention total disregard of boundaries.
If it's happened multiple times in a row I'd be paranoid about sock puppet accounts / bullying.
I don't really ghost and never thought others were doing so -- I'll let an unanswered roleplay sit unbothered for YEARS because I assume the writer just found a more engaging use of their spare time, like hobby hyperfixation or just... aaaany other alleviation of boredom or social craving.
scratch that, i DID ghost a single solitary writing partner, for gross behavior like character edging-in on the narration to force their preferred ship and romantic genre when that wasn't the theme of the roleplay, nor even the cast we started out maining. they then argued on behalf of 'trading' in on roleplay interests, like they suffer through what i want to write so i would have to suffer through what they wanted to write and like, man, what.
No. what. why.
No.
so by definition i just dropped all contact and blocked them from every avenue of communication. miss me with that transactional nonsense, not even to mention total disregard of boundaries.
ETA: so long as we're talking about boundaries
you don't owe anybody in a voluntary internet hobby any explanation at all, ever. not any information on your personal health, not professional strain on your time, not your family's issues, nothing.
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c. -- instead we could keep in mind that the internet is already its own divide, and while the care and compassion we hold for each other is real, because that's how humans do, we also need to keep in mind that the divide the internet holds up between us matters. a lot.
there are only so many hours in a day, and from what we know of social psychology there are only so many deep connections a human brain can reasonably maintain.
i would MUCH RATHER an rp partner fall silent in netspace to cultivate stronger connections in meatspace. a best friend who lives a continent away can't help you move your couch, won't be able to be your roomy when rent is tight, and can't reasonably serve as your emergency contact.
The elephant in the room here is that roleplay is, like much entertainment media, escapism. It can't keep us fed and sheltered, we can't marry it or raise it to take care of us in our twilight years, it can't march down the avenue with us in the pride parade (at least not literally), it doesn't vote and it doesn't protest and it won't go to medical school.
Roleplay is ART. better than that, roleplay is COLLABORATIVE ART. it's a consent to interact with others to create some art and go on adventures, it is not a job and it is not a contract and it is not a promise; it is only a VOLUNTEER.
you? get to rescind your participation whenever you want, for whatever reason, which is nobody else's business.
////cranky old man
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c. -- instead we could keep in mind that the internet is already its own divide, and while the care and compassion we hold for each other is real, because that's how humans do, we also need to keep in mind that the divide the internet holds up between us matters. a lot.
there are only so many hours in a day, and from what we know of social psychology there are only so many deep connections a human brain can reasonably maintain.
i would MUCH RATHER an rp partner fall silent in netspace to cultivate stronger connections in meatspace. a best friend who lives a continent away can't help you move your couch, won't be able to be your roomy when rent is tight, and can't reasonably serve as your emergency contact.
The elephant in the room here is that roleplay is, like much entertainment media, escapism. It can't keep us fed and sheltered, we can't marry it or raise it to take care of us in our twilight years, it can't march down the avenue with us in the pride parade (at least not literally), it doesn't vote and it doesn't protest and it won't go to medical school.
Roleplay is ART. better than that, roleplay is COLLABORATIVE ART. it's a consent to interact with others to create some art and go on adventures, it is not a job and it is not a contract and it is not a promise; it is only a VOLUNTEER.
you? get to rescind your participation whenever you want, for whatever reason, which is nobody else's business.
////cranky old man
intrusive_plots wrote:
ETA: so long as we're talking about boundaries
you don't owe anybody in a voluntary internet hobby any explanation at all, ever. not any information on your personal health, not professional strain on your time, not your family's issues, nothing.
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c. -- instead we could keep in mind that the internet is already its own divide, and while the care and compassion we hold for each other is real, because that's how humans do, we also need to keep in mind that the divide the internet holds up between us matters. a lot.
there are only so many hours in a day, and from what we know of social psychology there are only so many deep connections a human brain can reasonably maintain.
i would MUCH RATHER an rp partner fall silent in netspace to cultivate stronger connections in meatspace. a best friend who lives a continent away can't help you move your couch, won't be able to be your roomy when rent is tight, and can't reasonably serve as your emergency contact.
The elephant in the room here is that roleplay is, like much entertainment media, escapism. It can't keep us fed and sheltered, we can't marry it or raise it to take care of us in our twilight years, it can't march down the avenue with us in the pride parade (at least not literally), it doesn't vote and it doesn't protest and it won't go to medical school.
Roleplay is ART. better than that, roleplay is COLLABORATIVE ART. it's a consent to interact with others to create some art and go on adventures, it is not a job and it is not a contract and it is not a promise; it is only a VOLUNTEER.
you? get to rescind your participation whenever you want, for whatever reason, which is nobody else's business.
////cranky old man
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c. -- instead we could keep in mind that the internet is already its own divide, and while the care and compassion we hold for each other is real, because that's how humans do, we also need to keep in mind that the divide the internet holds up between us matters. a lot.
there are only so many hours in a day, and from what we know of social psychology there are only so many deep connections a human brain can reasonably maintain.
i would MUCH RATHER an rp partner fall silent in netspace to cultivate stronger connections in meatspace. a best friend who lives a continent away can't help you move your couch, won't be able to be your roomy when rent is tight, and can't reasonably serve as your emergency contact.
The elephant in the room here is that roleplay is, like much entertainment media, escapism. It can't keep us fed and sheltered, we can't marry it or raise it to take care of us in our twilight years, it can't march down the avenue with us in the pride parade (at least not literally), it doesn't vote and it doesn't protest and it won't go to medical school.
Roleplay is ART. better than that, roleplay is COLLABORATIVE ART. it's a consent to interact with others to create some art and go on adventures, it is not a job and it is not a contract and it is not a promise; it is only a VOLUNTEER.
you? get to rescind your participation whenever you want, for whatever reason, which is nobody else's business.
////cranky old man
I disagree, now while no one needs to know what is going in your personal life, that doesn't mean you can't send them a quick message to say. "Sorry, but I can't reply for some time." or "I'm sorry, but I need to end this." That doesn't tell anyone anything about your personal life, takes maybe a minute or two and lets your partner know what to expect.
I'd argue that common courtesy falls under the golden rule of treat others the way you want to be treated. Now are there extreme circumstances? Sure I'll give you that and would agree that your story is totally an acceptable reason to ghost, but I bet that isn't the case of the vast majority of ghosting that happens. If I got such a message, sure it would suck, but it would suck a whole lot less then being ghosted and I'd just accept it and appreciate that they didn't leave me hanging.
Zelphyr wrote:
Rattlesnake wrote:
If we keep ourselves humble and kind we will always have good fortunes. If you are not liking a role play, it’s best to just be an adult and say something, and use your words.
I'm not sure if you missed the comments where people have mentioned being accused of ghosting unreasonably fast or of having literally no choice in the matter for an extended period, but that is a thing. It's also a thing that not everyone on this site is an adult. I know you meant well, but a lot of what you said came across as pretty condescending to me, and I'd hazard a guess to some others as well.
Also... I'm still working on recovering from the Fair Universe Fallacy. It's really messed a lot of things up in my life and massively dis-empowered me. Thanks, but no thanks. I'll continue doing my best to be a decent person and all, but I know better than to expect that to make everything all nice and hunky-dory.
Aardbei wrote:
Someone who chooses to vanish without telling me is wasting my time and one of those finite slots, because unlike them, I am treating it like a commitment.
Lack of any sense commitment (or awareness that there are different levels of commitment and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is a job or absolute obligation) definitely can be a common way for this issue to propagate. I wanted to add that the reverse can also be true, when a sense of commitment leads to overwhelm. I have no idea how common or uncommon it may be, but I know that I experience it both ways: sometimes I need a sense of obligation on some level to be able to focus on something, and sometime that sense skips me right over to feeling overwhelmed and becoming immediately useless. I've been trying to get better at finding the right way to balance and/or respond to these things for years, but I'm not sure I've actually improved any yet. I think that at best, it's given me a little more room to identify some of the underlying issues, but efforts to then correct those haven't progressed much, yet. So now I'm basically in a place where I'm frequently trying to assure myself that it's normal for change to take time.
There's definitely no one universal answer to the issue.
snorkmaiden wrote:
on top of this, i am really rejection sensitive. i constantly assume people do not like me or find me to be strange or annoying, i guess as a form of self-punishment because from what ive been learning lately it isn't generally true (much to my utter SHOCK), and this can directly affect my decisions when it comes to ghosting. i know it is 100% irrational but i hate bothering people, i hate the idea that im subjecting them to a friendship they might not want. so i will ghost first sometimes thinking that it is the best way, especially if we havent talked in a while. the yawning voids and lack of feedback make me feel anxious.
again, not rational, not justifying my actions at all lol i am working on not being so uncomfortable with not only myself but other people. trying to be less of an alien
again, not rational, not justifying my actions at all lol i am working on not being so uncomfortable with not only myself but other people. trying to be less of an alien
Hey, just want to let you know you're seen. I'm very familiar with a lot of those feels, and I know a lot of the pain it can produce.
So the thing about kids is that they do eventually grow up, and expecting kids to make attempts at being the adults they will grow into is not unreasonable. You can go easier on kids, but there's a difference in being more patient with struggling people, and enabling them.
I struggle a lot with social situations but I recognize this as a weakness to be overcome and not something others should just allow me to have forever. People are right to be a little frustrated with me when my weakness also impacts them, especially if they are a struggling person who is doing their best to overcome their own shortcomings. I don't expect anything from other people that I don't expect to deal with myself. Communities are just healthier in general when they work under these assumptions.
Anyway I saw talk of boundaries in a different (now locked) thread, and I want to point out that a lot of the problems with boundary-setting happen when those boundaries are set abruptly and not stated upfront. It's a communication failure. Also, I feel like some people do use the language of boundary setting as an excuse to be selfish or rude with impunity, which people on this site seem very willing to give them. It rubs me the wrong way sometimes the way responses in topics about ghosting enable bad actors at the expense of other people, and I've gotta wonder what that's all about, you know?
I've never ghosted someone intentionally, the only times I did was when there were red flags with the RP partner and that has happened twice. So I dropped the RP for my own safety and mental health.
However, I've been ghosted by entire RP groups and multiple partners. They go radio silent, deactivate, or disband without telling anyone. And everything I've worked on, written, or the connections I've had are gone. I put so much hard work into creating a character or plotting storylines with someone and then all of it is for nothing. I wouldn't mind getting a little note about ending things instead of wasting all the work I've put in. Hell, I've had one partner, several times in a row now, deactivate and vanish and then show up with a new character only to do the same thing. And all the previous things written are gone and I have only bits and pieces. (I like to read back through and it sucks having chunks missing or the entire thing gone or closed.)
I agree with the golden rule of treating others like you wanted to be treated and being upfront about boundaries instead of using that to just disappear. I think there's some level of commitment because you're interacting with people. You're agreeing to write a cool thing together, suddenly dropping it is like being unreliable. They can't trust you to say something if you're not feeling it anymore or lost the mojo. And then boom, it's not good for both sides.
Sure, yeah RP is a hobby. It's my hobby too, we do this for fun. But then it becomes not fun anymore and unenjoyable when I get ghosted left and right. I end up not bothering to write or create because what's the point if the work and creativity go unappreciated? It takes away the excitement and how happy I am to world-build, make lore, etc. and share it with others. Can't share it if I'm being ghosted, then it feels like they weren't really interested in the first place sometimes.
However, I've been ghosted by entire RP groups and multiple partners. They go radio silent, deactivate, or disband without telling anyone. And everything I've worked on, written, or the connections I've had are gone. I put so much hard work into creating a character or plotting storylines with someone and then all of it is for nothing. I wouldn't mind getting a little note about ending things instead of wasting all the work I've put in. Hell, I've had one partner, several times in a row now, deactivate and vanish and then show up with a new character only to do the same thing. And all the previous things written are gone and I have only bits and pieces. (I like to read back through and it sucks having chunks missing or the entire thing gone or closed.)
I agree with the golden rule of treating others like you wanted to be treated and being upfront about boundaries instead of using that to just disappear. I think there's some level of commitment because you're interacting with people. You're agreeing to write a cool thing together, suddenly dropping it is like being unreliable. They can't trust you to say something if you're not feeling it anymore or lost the mojo. And then boom, it's not good for both sides.
Sure, yeah RP is a hobby. It's my hobby too, we do this for fun. But then it becomes not fun anymore and unenjoyable when I get ghosted left and right. I end up not bothering to write or create because what's the point if the work and creativity go unappreciated? It takes away the excitement and how happy I am to world-build, make lore, etc. and share it with others. Can't share it if I'm being ghosted, then it feels like they weren't really interested in the first place sometimes.
Katia wrote:
I disagree, now while no one needs to know what is going in your personal life, that doesn't mean you can't send them a quick message to say. "Sorry, but I can't reply for some time." or "I'm sorry, but I need to end this." That doesn't tell anyone anything about your personal life, takes maybe a minute or two and lets your partner know what to expect.
I'd argue that common courtesy falls under the golden rule of treat others the way you want to be treated. Now are there extreme circumstances? Sure I'll give you that and would agree that your story is totally an acceptable reason to ghost, but I bet that isn't the case of the vast majority of ghosting that happens. If I got such a message, sure it would suck, but it would suck a whole lot less then being ghosted and I'd just accept it and appreciate that they didn't leave me hanging.
So, again,
you don't owe anybody in a voluntary internet hobby any explanation at all, ever. not any information on your personal health, not professional strain on your time, not your family's issues, nothing.
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c. -- instead we could keep in mind that the internet is already its own divide, and while the care and compassion we hold for each other is real, because that's how humans do, we also need to keep in mind that the divide the internet holds up between us matters. a lot.
-- which is to say, if you want face-to-face commitment, you should probably play with face-to-face roleplay partners (WHICH I'VE DONE, IT'S THE BEST).
-- i get weird vibes from the idea that an online space is owed the same gravitas as meatspace. online spaces are my most comfortable places to communicate with other people, friends and family included, and that's because i'm not expected to owe anyone anything and can switch tabs or sign out or selectively block at any time, for any reason --
-- this means that anything i produce creatively that's considered a good, helpful, fun or engaging thing to another person, IS STILL VOLUNTARY of me to do. idk what kind of society you grew up in, but it feels so much better for me, and probably for people like me, to be able to choose.
-- i think in a another thread similar to this one there's a link to a non-judgemental list of how to practice not ghosting, but it *keeps turning into debate* on why some people think ghosters owe them time, attention, an explanation, courtesy et c.; and i think some of the replies also highlight how expectation for etiquette is only going to worsen the problem for the ghoster that might be suffering from social anxiety or shyness or health or just a busy schedule or w/e
-- but expecting etiquette or adherence to a time schedule will also worsen the problem for the person expecting those things, who keeps getting ghosted.
i can explain that with maths!
the artist who spends 10 years making 10,000 pottery vases is going to end up with a better quality vase than the artist who spends ten years on only one vase
did the first artist dither over a few dropped vases, working tirelessly to repair them, bringing them back to work on again? SOMETIMES! sometimes an artist absolutely builds up on that one epic vase, spends years on it, keeps it on a special shelf never to be kilned until it's perfect. but that artist is *also still working on those 9,999 vases* in the meantime.
roleplay is art. it's not that dire to have an rp thread set aside or dropped only to pick up a different figurative vase, build off the old design if you want, and keep on arting.
i guess the correct maths here is that there's two or more people working on the vases, and if your vase-sculpting partner suddenly leaves off the project then you still have the vase and you still have all the agency in the world to just... start a new or different vase, or a couple new or different vases, or even that same vase but just with a different rp partner.
-- sculptors keep routinely leaving you alone with the vase you're supposed to be building together?? okay, so keep making vases, and block rude ppl, might be as much a relief for them as you. could also just be your vases are lumpy and you need to put in more work (or take a break and recharge ur brain) before you can reasonably expect other sculptors to stick around for the project. do you have any writing samples up? how many revisions did you do for those samples? do you do the same amount of revising for your answering posts too?
-- i'd much rather a user block me for thinking i'm rude or wasted their rp time or w/e than have anyone breathing in my direction about what i owe them over the course of some collaborative storytelling. it just seems healthier for everyone!
the artist who spends 10 years making 10,000 pottery vases is going to end up with a better quality vase than the artist who spends ten years on only one vase
did the first artist dither over a few dropped vases, working tirelessly to repair them, bringing them back to work on again? SOMETIMES! sometimes an artist absolutely builds up on that one epic vase, spends years on it, keeps it on a special shelf never to be kilned until it's perfect. but that artist is *also still working on those 9,999 vases* in the meantime.
roleplay is art. it's not that dire to have an rp thread set aside or dropped only to pick up a different figurative vase, build off the old design if you want, and keep on arting.
i guess the correct maths here is that there's two or more people working on the vases, and if your vase-sculpting partner suddenly leaves off the project then you still have the vase and you still have all the agency in the world to just... start a new or different vase, or a couple new or different vases, or even that same vase but just with a different rp partner.
-- sculptors keep routinely leaving you alone with the vase you're supposed to be building together?? okay, so keep making vases, and block rude ppl, might be as much a relief for them as you. could also just be your vases are lumpy and you need to put in more work (or take a break and recharge ur brain) before you can reasonably expect other sculptors to stick around for the project. do you have any writing samples up? how many revisions did you do for those samples? do you do the same amount of revising for your answering posts too?
-- i'd much rather a user block me for thinking i'm rude or wasted their rp time or w/e than have anyone breathing in my direction about what i owe them over the course of some collaborative storytelling. it just seems healthier for everyone!
in conclusion: you gonna pay real money for that ONE SINGLE EENSY MINUTE it'd take someone to say 'yo, bye'?
are you going to pay them real life dollars or dollar-type currency, exchangeable for goods and services, for an 'end of roleplay' notification?
in this economy? because i will write MISSIVES FOR SALE if there's an honest to god market for it, i swear.
in fact yeah, anyone with anxiety and extra scrilla can just venmo me to drop their rp partners polite but fictional excuses for any absence as needs.
more two cents, mostly because im curious: are y'all, like...just actively watching the clock and spamming f5 whenever you get a new partner? cause i dunno if i've ever done that. hell 99% of the time i forget that i'm supposed to be waiting for a post and i find it in my inbox five days later
some of my threads go literal months (in some cases, YEARS) without a single post and i genuinely don't notice. it's more of a pleasant surprise than anything when i see a post pop up in one of those threads. but then there's some people out there acting like their partner is satan bc they didn't post for a week
sort of wondering if there's a correlation between 'younger/still in school' and 'more likely to claim someone has ghosted them', because me and my 28-30+ year old partners have the chillest post schedules ever. probably cause we all busy af and don't got time to think about who posted what when
some of my threads go literal months (in some cases, YEARS) without a single post and i genuinely don't notice. it's more of a pleasant surprise than anything when i see a post pop up in one of those threads. but then there's some people out there acting like their partner is satan bc they didn't post for a week
sort of wondering if there's a correlation between 'younger/still in school' and 'more likely to claim someone has ghosted them', because me and my 28-30+ year old partners have the chillest post schedules ever. probably cause we all busy af and don't got time to think about who posted what when
i'd like to honor that data, Saturninum, and add that when i was in my 20s i absolutely did the same, hence my lack of experience with being the ghoster or ghostee. i done been bedbound months at a time, there really wasn't much else for me to do but hang out with other chronics on the webs, and a lot of them were also in college burning available academic downtime.
BUT WE DID SO THROUGH A CHAT CLIENT so if you were chronically online and ur partner was also via circumstance chronically online then the commitment was p. seamless and easy to keep, chat client in one tiny corner of the screen and anime or w/e in the window over.
BUT WE DID SO THROUGH A CHAT CLIENT so if you were chronically online and ur partner was also via circumstance chronically online then the commitment was p. seamless and easy to keep, chat client in one tiny corner of the screen and anime or w/e in the window over.
hmm yeah that was my theory. i avoided using the word "chronically online" specifically because someone would inevitably nuke me from orbit, but it certainly crossed my mind lol. i've noted a difference in 'ghosting mentality' between people who are younger (teens-20s)/spend way more time online than others, and people who are older (30+)/have a chaotic life. ngl i jibe with the old people more, no i don't understand their references but they're super chill most the time
but yeah, i always encourage people to not make rp their main/only hobby. i consider it to be akin to...having plants as a hobby? you can't rush it. the plant's not gonna grow any faster if you yell at it to hurry up. while you're waiting on it, you find other things to fill in the time with. then, once a week, you go look at the plant and appreciate it, do all your plant-related things. repeat.
same thing with rp. muuuuch better experience poking your head in on an rp every couple days versus stalking it. if people are bored while waiting...i'unno. go learn html. do some solo writing. pick up a book. yell at the sky and shake your fist at the birds. do something productive instead of worrying
but yeah, i always encourage people to not make rp their main/only hobby. i consider it to be akin to...having plants as a hobby? you can't rush it. the plant's not gonna grow any faster if you yell at it to hurry up. while you're waiting on it, you find other things to fill in the time with. then, once a week, you go look at the plant and appreciate it, do all your plant-related things. repeat.
same thing with rp. muuuuch better experience poking your head in on an rp every couple days versus stalking it. if people are bored while waiting...i'unno. go learn html. do some solo writing. pick up a book. yell at the sky and shake your fist at the birds. do something productive instead of worrying
OOOOO AND MY FAVORITE METHOD, read a reply and then sleep on it, and spend a day or two formulating my own reply (usually while doing errands n chores n that) so when i finally come around to type it all out i've got a measured and thoughtful scene that's a lot smoother than had i rapid replied. also gives me a chance to re-read the other post a few times, in case i miss anything.
sorry i am both chronically ill and online a lot so i get to say it lmao
i don't wanna get too armchair psychologist either but rapid-release dopamine triggers like tumblr and [the internet] basically tanked my roomy's RP ability cos attention span and dopamine deficiency disorders. when a pal has ADHD and is really struggling, a simple *lack* of dopamine can feel like an attack and an actual hurt, so patience goes right out the window. even in that case, my roomy's answer was to simply... browse tumblr while roleplaying lol if it ain't broke don't fix
sorry i am both chronically ill and online a lot so i get to say it lmao
i don't wanna get too armchair psychologist either but rapid-release dopamine triggers like tumblr and [the internet] basically tanked my roomy's RP ability cos attention span and dopamine deficiency disorders. when a pal has ADHD and is really struggling, a simple *lack* of dopamine can feel like an attack and an actual hurt, so patience goes right out the window. even in that case, my roomy's answer was to simply... browse tumblr while roleplaying lol if it ain't broke don't fix
intrusive_plots wrote:
i would MUCH RATHER an rp partner fall silent in netspace to cultivate stronger connections in meatspace.
This is interesting to hear bc its like. Such an uncommon stance in online spaces. Like I'm all about the validity of online relationships--It's how I've met some of my best friends and the partner I literally live with now. But all those people have been understanding that sometime real life takes you away from the screen.
Reminds me of a rp partner I had back when I was younger who confronted me and manipulated me into feeling like, legitimately guilty because I wasn't chatting or replying to the rp we had going--but I WAS posting pictures of me with other people and online friends that I was visiting on vacation. There was no attempt to reach out before this, just silence and then "how could you?"
And like up until that my mental health was SOARING with the time i was spending offline. Not to mention I was on vacation. Like, visibly in florida and then new york city. Why would I be roleplaying?
I used to ghost people before and it was mainly because I either didn't enjoy the RP, it didn't click, I didn't like the other's writing style, maybe too short and vague answer, maybe not helping me with pushing the story forward... and more. And because of my social anxiety I was afraid to let them know.
However things changed in the last year when I got terribly ill and ever since that I always tell people if I'm dropping or taking a break.
Although I don't enjoy being ghosted, I do understand why people would do it. All I can do and set my own rules and decide if I want to RP again with someone who ghosted me or not.
To be fair, most of the times I don't mind trying again even if they come back after a year (if I enjoyed our last RP, of course). It hapened... and sometimes I ended up being ghosted again, but oh well. It's about having fun for as long as it lasts, I guess.
However things changed in the last year when I got terribly ill and ever since that I always tell people if I'm dropping or taking a break.
Although I don't enjoy being ghosted, I do understand why people would do it. All I can do and set my own rules and decide if I want to RP again with someone who ghosted me or not.
To be fair, most of the times I don't mind trying again even if they come back after a year (if I enjoyed our last RP, of course). It hapened... and sometimes I ended up being ghosted again, but oh well. It's about having fun for as long as it lasts, I guess.
People have to deal with their lives, at the end of the day.
I also tend to ghost if I feel threatened by a RP partner, having been verbally attacked in the past for trying to be more upfront about how I wanted the roleplay to go on my end. Instead of us discussing, I was belittled.
I still try to be upfront, but my anxiety stops me from confronting people sometimes.
I also tend to ghost if I feel threatened by a RP partner, having been verbally attacked in the past for trying to be more upfront about how I wanted the roleplay to go on my end. Instead of us discussing, I was belittled.
I still try to be upfront, but my anxiety stops me from confronting people sometimes.
oven wrote:
you don't owe anybody in a voluntary internet hobby any explanation at all, ever. not any information on your personal health, not professional strain on your time, not your family's issues, nothing.
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c.
'common courtesy' doesn't mean you owe internet friends your time, attention, communications et c.
So this is an old conversation, but I just saw this...and it ..er.. brought out the ex-lawyer in me. Okay - I 100% agree, but I wanted to expand on this.
Even though I'm going way beyond the scope of this thread - so Imma put this under a collapse tag
Here's what I've learned as an ex-social worker/front line emergency shelter worker/addictions counsellor/front line crisis worker with people on all walks of life, a psych researcher, (and yes ex-lawyer, and current service delivery designer), and someone who has a whole slew of medicate-able shish in my own head. (note: I'm choosing to disclose this, but I did not owe anyone this to make my point...let me get back to this)
Actually, no one owes you an explanation in real life either, for any voluntary activity.
Disclosure, time, commitment, attention, not being ghosted, etc. - we chalk all of this down to 'RESPECT' or 'common courtesy' (even though they are not the same thing at all)
(I go into work, and sit down with a new client, and he HATES me. For no reason other than the fact that I'm the one sitting on the other side of the desk that he doesn't want to be sitting at. He chews me out for asking him what his address is. I spend the next 2 hours explaining why I need to know, and completing a full intake with him to get him access to the services he needs. At the end of the appointment, he apologizes for being disrespectful, and explains that he doesn't trust social workers because he's been screwed before. The next client is disrespectful, remained disrespectful, never apologized or explained himself, and is surprised I stuck around and helped him anyway. I tell them both that BEING RESPECTFUL IS NOT AN ELIGIBILITY CRITERIA FOR GETTING HELP IN MY PROGRAM)
I mean it. And the quicker people learn this, the happier you'll be (or not, I don't know you, but it certainly made me happier).
No one owes you respect, actually.
This is what people owe you: NOT ACTIVELY HARM YOU, and that's about it. Those are crimes, there are laws for that.
You're having a conversation with someone, and they stop mid-way through a sentence, and walk out of your life forever. They owe you nothing.
The subjective interpretation of what this could mean - they are rude, they hate you, they are having a mental break, they got distracted, they got hit with some social anxiety, they're going through some medical emergency, etc. etc. etc. - but that's all it is, an interpretation (EVEN IF they give you an explanation, it's STILL an interpretation, it's theirs, and they could lie). And maybe the interpretation is reasonable, and maybe it's not. Maybe it triggers your own anxiety, maybe it makes you think you said something wrong, maybe you're more confused than upset, maybe you conclude that this guy sucks.
Being ghosted sucks because you made the interpretation that it means something beyond the fact that they stopped replying.
It might suck less if you accept that all it means is that they stopped replying, and nothing else.
They don't owe you anything to confirm or deny your interpretation.
Unlike, say, you signed an employee contract stating that if you miss work for more than 3 days in a row, you need to submit a doctor's note <--that's something you owe your employer (whether or not you SHOULD is a whole other conversation, but you agreed to owe them this).
When you signed up for RPR, you agreed to follow the forum rules, which does not say DO NOT GHOST, or you must explain yourself or adhere to a posting schedule.
Unless you find a way to enforce a contract with your RP partners that they agree not to ghost, you walk into this relationship knowing that they don't owe you an explanation if they disappear.
So real life, as it is online, what do you REALLY owe anyone if it was not previously agreed upon and enforceable?
You can CHOOSE to show and demonstrate respect, by explaining yourself, but you don't owe anyone that either.
(And the fact of the matter is that whether you ghost or not is independent from whether you respect someone or not (they overlap, but one does not equate the other - correlation is not causation, etc. you get it). )
But we do face the consequences of what the other people's interpretation of what our communication (or lack of) means, which might be that they don't want to RP with us next time. Or they don't hire us for a job, if we walked out on a potential employer IRL (but we did not owe them an explanation!).
(re: work, I could implement a policy that a client must be respectful, or I could choose to deny service, and not help that guy access the resources that he needed - and plenty of services do this!)
We don't owe each other anything - But that's why when people CHOOSE to share in their life struggles with a friend, demonstrate excellent communication, and/or come together to make things and tell stories, etc., it's BETTER because..... actually I think oven said it better:
Isn't it nice to know that when you experience kindness, it is because that person chose to be kind to you, and not because they owe it to you?
And if you go by the assumption in real life: that people aren't out there, making the conscious decision to hurt you all the time, and that mostly, there is a reason (whether they give it to you or not) - you can apply the same assumption in an online space, that people aren't out there making the conscious decision to hurt you now.
But they don't have to show you respect. They don't owe you that - and it's probably not even about you.
/TED talk
Here's what I've learned as an ex-social worker/front line emergency shelter worker/addictions counsellor/front line crisis worker with people on all walks of life, a psych researcher, (and yes ex-lawyer, and current service delivery designer), and someone who has a whole slew of medicate-able shish in my own head. (note: I'm choosing to disclose this, but I did not owe anyone this to make my point...let me get back to this)
Actually, no one owes you an explanation in real life either, for any voluntary activity.
Disclosure, time, commitment, attention, not being ghosted, etc. - we chalk all of this down to 'RESPECT' or 'common courtesy' (even though they are not the same thing at all)
(I go into work, and sit down with a new client, and he HATES me. For no reason other than the fact that I'm the one sitting on the other side of the desk that he doesn't want to be sitting at. He chews me out for asking him what his address is. I spend the next 2 hours explaining why I need to know, and completing a full intake with him to get him access to the services he needs. At the end of the appointment, he apologizes for being disrespectful, and explains that he doesn't trust social workers because he's been screwed before. The next client is disrespectful, remained disrespectful, never apologized or explained himself, and is surprised I stuck around and helped him anyway. I tell them both that BEING RESPECTFUL IS NOT AN ELIGIBILITY CRITERIA FOR GETTING HELP IN MY PROGRAM)
I mean it. And the quicker people learn this, the happier you'll be (or not, I don't know you, but it certainly made me happier).
No one owes you respect, actually.
This is what people owe you: NOT ACTIVELY HARM YOU, and that's about it. Those are crimes, there are laws for that.
You're having a conversation with someone, and they stop mid-way through a sentence, and walk out of your life forever. They owe you nothing.
The subjective interpretation of what this could mean - they are rude, they hate you, they are having a mental break, they got distracted, they got hit with some social anxiety, they're going through some medical emergency, etc. etc. etc. - but that's all it is, an interpretation (EVEN IF they give you an explanation, it's STILL an interpretation, it's theirs, and they could lie). And maybe the interpretation is reasonable, and maybe it's not. Maybe it triggers your own anxiety, maybe it makes you think you said something wrong, maybe you're more confused than upset, maybe you conclude that this guy sucks.
Being ghosted sucks because you made the interpretation that it means something beyond the fact that they stopped replying.
It might suck less if you accept that all it means is that they stopped replying, and nothing else.
They don't owe you anything to confirm or deny your interpretation.
Unlike, say, you signed an employee contract stating that if you miss work for more than 3 days in a row, you need to submit a doctor's note <--that's something you owe your employer (whether or not you SHOULD is a whole other conversation, but you agreed to owe them this).
When you signed up for RPR, you agreed to follow the forum rules, which does not say DO NOT GHOST, or you must explain yourself or adhere to a posting schedule.
Unless you find a way to enforce a contract with your RP partners that they agree not to ghost, you walk into this relationship knowing that they don't owe you an explanation if they disappear.
So real life, as it is online, what do you REALLY owe anyone if it was not previously agreed upon and enforceable?
You can CHOOSE to show and demonstrate respect, by explaining yourself, but you don't owe anyone that either.
(And the fact of the matter is that whether you ghost or not is independent from whether you respect someone or not (they overlap, but one does not equate the other - correlation is not causation, etc. you get it). )
But we do face the consequences of what the other people's interpretation of what our communication (or lack of) means, which might be that they don't want to RP with us next time. Or they don't hire us for a job, if we walked out on a potential employer IRL (but we did not owe them an explanation!).
(re: work, I could implement a policy that a client must be respectful, or I could choose to deny service, and not help that guy access the resources that he needed - and plenty of services do this!)
We don't owe each other anything - But that's why when people CHOOSE to share in their life struggles with a friend, demonstrate excellent communication, and/or come together to make things and tell stories, etc., it's BETTER because..... actually I think oven said it better:
oven wrote:
-- this means that anything i produce creatively that's considered a good, helpful, fun or engaging thing to another person, IS STILL VOLUNTARY of me to do. idk what kind of society you grew up in, but it feels so much better for me, and probably for people like me, to be able to choose.
Isn't it nice to know that when you experience kindness, it is because that person chose to be kind to you, and not because they owe it to you?
And if you go by the assumption in real life: that people aren't out there, making the conscious decision to hurt you all the time, and that mostly, there is a reason (whether they give it to you or not) - you can apply the same assumption in an online space, that people aren't out there making the conscious decision to hurt you now.
But they don't have to show you respect. They don't owe you that - and it's probably not even about you.
/TED talk
let's continue beating this dead horse of a thread i think it's really funny
also worth noting that you can dislike something someone did WITHOUT holding it against them. not everything online has to be a black-and-white scenario where your only reactions are pure adoration and sheer hatred. you can be upset that someone ghosted you, but still respect them as a person and be friends with them. contrary to popular belief, making aggressive, scathing callout threads where you're blatantly hostile is not your only option
and honestly, like...ghosting really isn't malicious most of the time. sometimes, it's done out of politeness (as odd as that sounds). i think everyone can agree that it's not fun to be told that their writing isn't up to par with what someone's looking for, and sometimes, people can get downright mean when you tell them that's unfortunately the case. in this scenario, ghosting becomes a common go-to because it provides both the ghoster with a route to avoid hurting that person's feelings and their potential wrath, and also the ghostee with the means to just forget about it instead of being told to their face that the ghoster doesn't like their writing. because honestly, we all know what 'uhmm i don't think we're compatible' (:' means.
is it the best solution? no. but for a lot of folks, it's the most stress free and mutually beneficial solution. to understand why ghosting is a thing, you need to put yourself in the ghoster's shoes and try to get behind their perspective and what their thought process is.
luscin, you ask, what gives you the authority to speak on this? well, i have probably one of the lowest ghosting rates from my partners. in the past 3-4 years, i've been ghosted...twice. yes. twice. a far cry from the people who get ghosted forty-seven times a week. you know why? ironically, it's because i'm extremely ghost friendly. there's zero obligation, pressure, or stress for someone to respond. they know that even if it takes them three months to get back to me, i'm not going to be upset. there will be no questions asked. when the atmosphere is light and welcoming, you will find that your partners will be more open to communicating with you. on the other hand, if you constantly bitch about how everyone ghosts you, how you can never find rp, how rp communities are terrible...partners will be afraid of you and fear your retaliation.
oh, and i used to be someone who took ghosting personally, by the way. but then i grew up, got humbled, and realized life's too short to spend my time angry at other online strangers. call it a character arc
also worth noting that you can dislike something someone did WITHOUT holding it against them. not everything online has to be a black-and-white scenario where your only reactions are pure adoration and sheer hatred. you can be upset that someone ghosted you, but still respect them as a person and be friends with them. contrary to popular belief, making aggressive, scathing callout threads where you're blatantly hostile is not your only option
and honestly, like...ghosting really isn't malicious most of the time. sometimes, it's done out of politeness (as odd as that sounds). i think everyone can agree that it's not fun to be told that their writing isn't up to par with what someone's looking for, and sometimes, people can get downright mean when you tell them that's unfortunately the case. in this scenario, ghosting becomes a common go-to because it provides both the ghoster with a route to avoid hurting that person's feelings and their potential wrath, and also the ghostee with the means to just forget about it instead of being told to their face that the ghoster doesn't like their writing. because honestly, we all know what 'uhmm i don't think we're compatible' (:' means.
is it the best solution? no. but for a lot of folks, it's the most stress free and mutually beneficial solution. to understand why ghosting is a thing, you need to put yourself in the ghoster's shoes and try to get behind their perspective and what their thought process is.
luscin, you ask, what gives you the authority to speak on this? well, i have probably one of the lowest ghosting rates from my partners. in the past 3-4 years, i've been ghosted...twice. yes. twice. a far cry from the people who get ghosted forty-seven times a week. you know why? ironically, it's because i'm extremely ghost friendly. there's zero obligation, pressure, or stress for someone to respond. they know that even if it takes them three months to get back to me, i'm not going to be upset. there will be no questions asked. when the atmosphere is light and welcoming, you will find that your partners will be more open to communicating with you. on the other hand, if you constantly bitch about how everyone ghosts you, how you can never find rp, how rp communities are terrible...partners will be afraid of you and fear your retaliation.
oh, and i used to be someone who took ghosting personally, by the way. but then i grew up, got humbled, and realized life's too short to spend my time angry at other online strangers. call it a character arc
I know this is a bit necro, but I find it rather ironic that both the thread starter and the one making the last comment (not to mention a few in between) have both deleted. What is considered 'ghosting' happens for many various reasons. I believe I have a much narrower parameter as to what 'ghosting' is, and disappearing without a word or trace is not within my scope or definition of it. Anyway, this fine thread is a really good overview of the art of communication. 
Dawnia wrote:
I know this is a bit necro, but I find it rather ironic that both the thread starter and the one making the last comment (not to mention a few in between) have both deleted. What is considered 'ghosting' happens for many various reasons. I believe I have a much narrower parameter as to what 'ghosting' is, and disappearing without a word or trace is not within my scope or definition of it. Anyway, this fine thread is a really good overview of the art of communication.
Ghosting is a thing I try very hard not to do but I got 7 responses to an ad I made a couple weeks ago and thought I replied to every single one... I missed one, and only realized it JUST NOW as I'm cleaning my inbox from Server's EW spam.
That feels horrible... I mean, I was just gonna tell them I already found someone but it seems polite to tell someone outright anyway.
I stick in my ads now that I often have health problems that put me out of commission for days on end and if I'm gone for 3-4 days I'm okay with getting a message since I'll see it in my email but usually what happens to me is illness.
I want people to know that up-front so they can decide if the pace I can meet is acceptable to them.
You are on: Forums » RP Discussion » Ghosting: Why do we do it?
Moderators: Mina, Keke, Cass, Auberon, Claine, Ilmarinen, Ben, Darth_Angelus