I know it's probably not a big issue but i'm curious what others think about them.
Sometimes either you or you rp partner hasn't responded. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. Could be that you/they were busy, forgot, or didn't have time. It happens.
But what is the limit? When is it to much?
When i'm too busy or whatever I tend to just say so (when I can, sometimes I forget). And I usually check in on people after about a month or two (if I've heard nothing and I myself remember) and leave it at that because things happens and of course plenty of other reasons could be the cause too.
I'm always cool to start things back up after a break/hiatus regardless of who initiated it.
Anyways back to topic.
What's your limit? If any? Or do you prefer to just leave it?
Sometimes either you or you rp partner hasn't responded. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. Could be that you/they were busy, forgot, or didn't have time. It happens.
But what is the limit? When is it to much?
When i'm too busy or whatever I tend to just say so (when I can, sometimes I forget). And I usually check in on people after about a month or two (if I've heard nothing and I myself remember) and leave it at that because things happens and of course plenty of other reasons could be the cause too.
I'm always cool to start things back up after a break/hiatus regardless of who initiated it.
Anyways back to topic.
What's your limit? If any? Or do you prefer to just leave it?
I have a very strict policy about people who suddenly stop responding without a PM sent.
After two weeks of complete silence, I close the door: simple as that. I make exceptions only when people cannot take the 2 minutes needed to write a short message from 14 days because they had something considerable going on (like being sick, a death in the family, an unexpected work occasion, something like that). If that's not the case, I simply stop having an interest in them, and I will stop writing them back. This is written in my profile, of course.
I know I'm pretty harsh in my actions. Still, I'm personally incapable of condoning two weeks spent not saying anything (a task that, literally, takes a fraction of your 24hrs you have available). Of course, this does not apply if my partner asks for a hiatus (even an undefined one): the thing I expect from my partner is respect for my time and my expectations, something that I refuse, myself, to set aside when thinking about my partner.
After two weeks of complete silence, I close the door: simple as that. I make exceptions only when people cannot take the 2 minutes needed to write a short message from 14 days because they had something considerable going on (like being sick, a death in the family, an unexpected work occasion, something like that). If that's not the case, I simply stop having an interest in them, and I will stop writing them back. This is written in my profile, of course.
I know I'm pretty harsh in my actions. Still, I'm personally incapable of condoning two weeks spent not saying anything (a task that, literally, takes a fraction of your 24hrs you have available). Of course, this does not apply if my partner asks for a hiatus (even an undefined one): the thing I expect from my partner is respect for my time and my expectations, something that I refuse, myself, to set aside when thinking about my partner.
I don't have any specific limit - in part because I'm plenty unreliable myself. Sometimes the moment I say "hey, seems I need some time" ends up immediately followed by the moment my brain finally decides to start working again (which gets annoying after awhile, as that one experiencing that). Sometimes my brain's just decided to believe that I'm incapable of interacting with anyone without somehow having an unreasonably negative impact on their life, or I just plain get nervous. Sometimes, while nothing significant may be going on, I just plain lose track of things; like, it took me a year just to call the 24-hour number to activate a couple of bank cards, once, and that's something that can directly impact my day-to-day life. I also had like 2+ years where I was technically still checking the site fairly regularly, but doing basically nothing. Doesn't feel right to hold others to a higher standard than I can manage. 
When I check in is a bit of a mix of:
For awhile now, the people I end up playing with tend to have similarly loose standards about timing. We'll all know we've all got a lot going on and that post rates can unpredictably vary from daily (sometimes even multiple in a day!) to roughly weekly to "oh shoot it's already been two months I'm sorry!" It definitely helps to have some sort of communication beyond the RP itself (beyond even just OOC discussion of the RP), though that can admittedly be easier said than done a lot of the time.
If something is left sitting long enough... I may be unable to pick it back up. Doesn't mean I'm against starting up something else with that person, but that specific game might have to just be marked over. On the other hand, sometimes something I'll have figured couldn't proceed will suddenly, randomly start back up just fine.
And I think I may have just used a whole lot of time and words to not really... say much of anything.
When I check in is a bit of a mix of:
- What overt expectations have been set? Did this person already express a speed/frequency to expect? What has their rate typically been in my experience? It'll take me longer to wonder about someone I hear from once or twice a month, for example, than someone I typically hear from pretty much daily.
- If it's easily viewable, is the person still being active? Do I see them posting around, especially on other RPs? If not, I figure there's more reason to assume something is going on and may take longer to check in. If they are, I'll likely gentle prod a little sooner; while seeing things like that can definitely trip up some anxieties I struggle with, I know well both first and secondhand that feeling up to OOC posts doesn't mean a person can manage anything IC at the moment, and we can go through periods where this or that game comes easily while another is really difficult at that time, and that can all shift around unpredictably.
- How has prior contact with this person gone? This one isn't entirely a conscious thing, but there are lots of ways interactions can go that aren't discernably toxic or anything, but that can still leave me more reluctant to reach out for various reasons. Some things make me worry more about being bothersome in some way, some things leave me wondering if the person has been enjoying the game less than they keep claiming, some things will leave me figuring it's best to assume the game is done until it's proven otherwise, etc. (Yes, I can be unreasonably over-sensitive at times, and how well I manage it can fluctuate. The past year, year and a half, it's been kinda shaky and there's been a few outright nosedives.)
- The reliability of my own memory and awareness of the passage of time. Sometimes a day feels like several. Sometimes a month feels like a couple of days. I still feel like winter was just starting, but we've already gone through three months of the new year. I have a perpetual mountain of immediate and backlogged tasks that I've had to learn to accept working on whenever I end up feeling up to it, and since I'm slow and lose track of time, I'm often left wondering how the heck it ended up being 3am again where I have to just set things down and hope I can get back to it after some sleep. So it's really easy for me to suddenly realize months later that I never got around to checking in on someone.
For awhile now, the people I end up playing with tend to have similarly loose standards about timing. We'll all know we've all got a lot going on and that post rates can unpredictably vary from daily (sometimes even multiple in a day!) to roughly weekly to "oh shoot it's already been two months I'm sorry!" It definitely helps to have some sort of communication beyond the RP itself (beyond even just OOC discussion of the RP), though that can admittedly be easier said than done a lot of the time.
If something is left sitting long enough... I may be unable to pick it back up. Doesn't mean I'm against starting up something else with that person, but that specific game might have to just be marked over. On the other hand, sometimes something I'll have figured couldn't proceed will suddenly, randomly start back up just fine.
And I think I may have just used a whole lot of time and words to not really... say much of anything.
If I bother, once is enough to say I hope all's well and they know where to find me.
I usually consider something is wrong after a week of no responses. Until some time ago I would just let it be and archieve the RP. I also didnt announce myself when I was dropping either.
But things changed and now I do tell people after a few days if I don't have an answer or can't continue or I don't feel comfortable with the RP. So... my limit is a week if I don't get any kind of messages letting me know they're still interested but might take a while longer, or they just prefer to quit.
Usually after like a week my motivation and interest in the RP fades away specially if it didn't reach a point where I'm attached to it, so there's big chances that I'll say to drop it. I can't create stories writing only once a month so yeah I do check in if the RP is really interesting for me and I didn't get an answer in about 3 days or a week. But I suppose it's different for each person as we don't all RP for the same reasons, maybe. In my case I seek inspiration and potential stories so I don't waste time with what doesn't work or goes extremely slow.
But things changed and now I do tell people after a few days if I don't have an answer or can't continue or I don't feel comfortable with the RP. So... my limit is a week if I don't get any kind of messages letting me know they're still interested but might take a while longer, or they just prefer to quit.
Usually after like a week my motivation and interest in the RP fades away specially if it didn't reach a point where I'm attached to it, so there's big chances that I'll say to drop it. I can't create stories writing only once a month so yeah I do check in if the RP is really interesting for me and I didn't get an answer in about 3 days or a week. But I suppose it's different for each person as we don't all RP for the same reasons, maybe. In my case I seek inspiration and potential stories so I don't waste time with what doesn't work or goes extremely slow.
I'm going to be honest, I don't really think about it?
Usually if someone stops responding, even for a few days I just think the RP is over and move on. I don't get all that attached to RP anymore though, so it may just be easier for me to drop.
If someone did stop replying, then like a month later responds,
1 I will stare at the post in confusion because I don't remember what was happening in the RP
2 I will likely never respond because of number 1
3 The only exception would be if it was a long term RP before the hiatus and I was really invested, then I may pick it up again, but even then I don't really let it get me down if the RP ends unexpectantly
When I was younger and more RP obsessed I used to take it pretty personal when people stopped replying, but I really don't think it's healthy to be that dependent on anyone. Especially not for something as small as a play pretend, you know?
Usually if someone stops responding, even for a few days I just think the RP is over and move on. I don't get all that attached to RP anymore though, so it may just be easier for me to drop.
If someone did stop replying, then like a month later responds,
1 I will stare at the post in confusion because I don't remember what was happening in the RP
2 I will likely never respond because of number 1
3 The only exception would be if it was a long term RP before the hiatus and I was really invested, then I may pick it up again, but even then I don't really let it get me down if the RP ends unexpectantly
When I was younger and more RP obsessed I used to take it pretty personal when people stopped replying, but I really don't think it's healthy to be that dependent on anyone. Especially not for something as small as a play pretend, you know?
i do not send check in messages
...not because i don't care, but because i have crippling adhd and probably forgot the rp even existed .5 seconds after i clicked out of the window, let alone after 3 weeks of silence
No, but seriously, I don't have a limit. I've got better things to do than harass other grown adults about RP. I have other hobbies and so do they - I've got things I can do to fill in the time. I'm not going to sit crouched over my computer like Gollum spamming f5 79 times a day. They'll reply when they reply. Whether that be in a day, a week, or even months. I can pick up an RP back up like it's nothing even if it's been literal months. Not that hard for me. I just read through the last few posts to jog my memory.
Of course, I also don't develop deep, sentimental attachments to my RPs or whatever unless it's like 300 posts in. That probably plays a factor in why I'm so nonchalant about people coming and going. It helps that I view RP in a long-term scale as opposed to day-by-day, of course. In the passage of time, waiting a few weeks for a post is nothing to me. Good things come to those who wait. or something idk lmao
Frankly, I just don't see the point in being petty or passive aggressive. It more or less reinforces spotty behavior in the future because they're being conditioned to think that everyone is going to go berserk on them. Strangers have no obligation to each other, yo. I don't have the right to tell someone they HAVE to tell me what's going on with them right now, and that if they don't tell me what we're doing about our RP I'm going to hate them and never speak to them again. That's quite the overreaction.
...not because i don't care, but because i have crippling adhd and probably forgot the rp even existed .5 seconds after i clicked out of the window, let alone after 3 weeks of silence
No, but seriously, I don't have a limit. I've got better things to do than harass other grown adults about RP. I have other hobbies and so do they - I've got things I can do to fill in the time. I'm not going to sit crouched over my computer like Gollum spamming f5 79 times a day. They'll reply when they reply. Whether that be in a day, a week, or even months. I can pick up an RP back up like it's nothing even if it's been literal months. Not that hard for me. I just read through the last few posts to jog my memory.
Of course, I also don't develop deep, sentimental attachments to my RPs or whatever unless it's like 300 posts in. That probably plays a factor in why I'm so nonchalant about people coming and going. It helps that I view RP in a long-term scale as opposed to day-by-day, of course. In the passage of time, waiting a few weeks for a post is nothing to me. Good things come to those who wait. or something idk lmao
Frankly, I just don't see the point in being petty or passive aggressive. It more or less reinforces spotty behavior in the future because they're being conditioned to think that everyone is going to go berserk on them. Strangers have no obligation to each other, yo. I don't have the right to tell someone they HAVE to tell me what's going on with them right now, and that if they don't tell me what we're doing about our RP I'm going to hate them and never speak to them again. That's quite the overreaction.
Saturninum wrote:
Frankly, I just don't see the point in being petty or passive aggressive. It more or less reinforces spotty behavior in the future because they're being conditioned to think that everyone is going to go berserk on them. Strangers have no obligation to each other, yo. I don't have the right to tell someone they HAVE to tell me what's going on with them right now, and that if they don't tell me what we're doing about our RP I'm going to hate them and never speak to them again. That's quite the overreaction.
This right here, 1000%
No one owes you anything, and you don't owe anyone anything. This is a hobby, you know for fun, if someone is getting that petty and obsessive over an RP then they need to look inward on themselves instead of getting angry at someone else. I have seen so many people get extremely entitled over someone else's time, and turn completely toxic trying to control them. I just do not tolerate that anymore.
i personally don't put an obligation on my RP partners to reply. there is absolutely no pressure to reply when it comes to me.
but, there is a responsibility (in my mind) to keep me informed. *if we are in a long-term RP where i've invested my time, energy, and potentially money into the project. i don't really do much more than shrug my shoulders when someone i barely know dips out on me. slides right off me like water off a duck-tail, really. but, if i've spent the better half of the last few months (even a year*) investing myself to a collaborative project... i'm gonna be peeved my time was wasted by a friend of mine.
time is precious and shouldn't be wasted without remorse. all i ask of my RP partners is that they keep me in the-know. communicate with me. tell me, straight-forward, 'this isn't going to work' or 'this isn't working.' i understand confrontation is super hard! and can even scare folks! i get that some people think being straight-forward can make you look like a jerk... but really? having my time wasted? makes you the biggest jerk in my mind. i sincerely have a distaste for poor communication.
don't tell me 'maybe' just tell me 'no' if it really is NO! communication is important! anyways, moving on from my tangent...
i don't really do 'just checking in' messages. if they didn't reply? they didn't want to reply (or couldn't.) if they didn't tell me? then i'm going to be mildly annoyed about it. (unless they really couldn't update me.) there is no pressure to reply to me. just keep me up to date the best you can. silence is a lot more fiendish than a straight forward 'sorry i've lost interest.' (this is golden)
i don't own anyone's free time, i'm never going to act like i do. but, i do believe i deserve to be informed if we are friends. jarringly* losing a bunch of time invested into something can really put a damper on a friendship. (or partnership)*
by default i just assume the RP is over after a month of radio silence. if they reply to it after that? i'll play it by ear if i'm invested still/even remember what's going on. it really depends on the specifics of the situation. the majority of what i said depends on specifics, honestly. long term projects with friends typically have more sway on me vs one-shots with strangers.
i typically talk to my RP partners every day or every other day. most of this isn't really talking about 'random one-shots' i know are pretty popular. people i roleplay with are typically my friends and talk to me very, very often. i dislike 'no OOC talking' terms. i understand things can be entirely different when you write with strangers (that can be VERY hard to get ahold of).
EDIT: it is probably worth noting i'm not asking for my RP partners to explain themselves to me. i'd just like a 'hey not today/this week' message! i'm not interested in prying into people's personal lives or anything like that. there is never any 'due date' to inform me either. just looking for a 'heads up'! more than anything else. this is a hobby at the end of the day, aha.
xx
but, there is a responsibility (in my mind) to keep me informed. *if we are in a long-term RP where i've invested my time, energy, and potentially money into the project. i don't really do much more than shrug my shoulders when someone i barely know dips out on me. slides right off me like water off a duck-tail, really. but, if i've spent the better half of the last few months (even a year*) investing myself to a collaborative project... i'm gonna be peeved my time was wasted by a friend of mine.
time is precious and shouldn't be wasted without remorse. all i ask of my RP partners is that they keep me in the-know. communicate with me. tell me, straight-forward, 'this isn't going to work' or 'this isn't working.' i understand confrontation is super hard! and can even scare folks! i get that some people think being straight-forward can make you look like a jerk... but really? having my time wasted? makes you the biggest jerk in my mind. i sincerely have a distaste for poor communication.
don't tell me 'maybe' just tell me 'no' if it really is NO! communication is important! anyways, moving on from my tangent...
i don't really do 'just checking in' messages. if they didn't reply? they didn't want to reply (or couldn't.) if they didn't tell me? then i'm going to be mildly annoyed about it. (unless they really couldn't update me.) there is no pressure to reply to me. just keep me up to date the best you can. silence is a lot more fiendish than a straight forward 'sorry i've lost interest.' (this is golden)
i don't own anyone's free time, i'm never going to act like i do. but, i do believe i deserve to be informed if we are friends. jarringly* losing a bunch of time invested into something can really put a damper on a friendship. (or partnership)*
by default i just assume the RP is over after a month of radio silence. if they reply to it after that? i'll play it by ear if i'm invested still/even remember what's going on. it really depends on the specifics of the situation. the majority of what i said depends on specifics, honestly. long term projects with friends typically have more sway on me vs one-shots with strangers.
i typically talk to my RP partners every day or every other day. most of this isn't really talking about 'random one-shots' i know are pretty popular. people i roleplay with are typically my friends and talk to me very, very often. i dislike 'no OOC talking' terms. i understand things can be entirely different when you write with strangers (that can be VERY hard to get ahold of).
EDIT: it is probably worth noting i'm not asking for my RP partners to explain themselves to me. i'd just like a 'hey not today/this week' message! i'm not interested in prying into people's personal lives or anything like that. there is never any 'due date' to inform me either. just looking for a 'heads up'! more than anything else. this is a hobby at the end of the day, aha.
xx
I usually send maybe one message after a long time of no responses, if the person does come back around, and does wanna keep rping or talking to me they would no doubt see it and respond. No need to blow up their inbox. And rather or not I RP with them again is just a case by case basis. Depends on if I really liked what we were doing, if I’m available without too many RPs lined up.
But even then when I send a checking in message I could care less about the RP, I more so just want to know if they are okay, if something happened to them or if I accidentally goofed something. I understand people losing inspiration or motivation and having they snowball effect that makes them fall out of contact, but I just wanna make sure things are okay.
But these rps are more or less not too different to just playing a game, and if the game starts to bore you moving on is fine. It’s just a hobby at the end of the day. It depends on who the person is though, I make genuine connections at times through this and if someone I spent months or half a year rping with and having good talks and starting to really consider a friend, just dips, that sort of hurts. Otherwise, I deal with people disappearing all the time, like OwlGryphon said, water on a ducks tail. Regardless, out of curtesy at least communicate this. Some people may be holding out for you or again, worry about you, so don’t just disappear without a word.
But even then when I send a checking in message I could care less about the RP, I more so just want to know if they are okay, if something happened to them or if I accidentally goofed something. I understand people losing inspiration or motivation and having they snowball effect that makes them fall out of contact, but I just wanna make sure things are okay.
But these rps are more or less not too different to just playing a game, and if the game starts to bore you moving on is fine. It’s just a hobby at the end of the day. It depends on who the person is though, I make genuine connections at times through this and if someone I spent months or half a year rping with and having good talks and starting to really consider a friend, just dips, that sort of hurts. Otherwise, I deal with people disappearing all the time, like OwlGryphon said, water on a ducks tail. Regardless, out of curtesy at least communicate this. Some people may be holding out for you or again, worry about you, so don’t just disappear without a word.
Mine's about a week without any sort of head's up or communication after I've checked in with them, and I drop the thread after two weeks of complete radio silence. If it's something that constantly happens, I'll end it out of frustration alone. I get that no one owes me their time or effort, and that's why I usually only RP with those who have my level of commitment. I understand it's just a hobby for most, but it's one of my favorite things to do, and if I'm ditched, then I'll move on - most times sad it didn't work out, but usually able to find someone else to fill the role.
I'm... a little confused by some of the responses here. Some folks seem to be relating sending a check-in to being obsessive or controlling, etc, and using that as reason not to ever check in at all...? And I'm seeing statements again inferring that if someone hasn't responded, then they can't or just plain don't want to?
There's nothing inherently obsessive, controlling, or otherwise toxic about sending a single, or possibly a few (depending on circumstances) quick little messages to check in. It can actually be immensely helpful for everyone involved. Different people may have different experiences, but for me...
Now, I don't think anyone should be shamed for not doing check-ins, even if that's entirely by choice. Everyone has different boundaries and priorities, and this is, indeed, something for fun. Yes, it's still a social thing with some basic social responsibilities, but it's still meant to be for fun.
What I do thing is that representing check-ins as intrinsically problematic is, itself, very much a problem. Putting them in a light that makes it seem like a bad thing will reduce communication and encourage more of the sorts of anxieties that get in the way of everything. Moderation is necessary, yes, but please, please be clear about the difference between a check-in and being obsessive or controlling or annoying. You can easily set back years of work overcoming anxieties and false beliefs with a single comment that aligns with those anxieties and false thoughts.
There's nothing inherently obsessive, controlling, or otherwise toxic about sending a single, or possibly a few (depending on circumstances) quick little messages to check in. It can actually be immensely helpful for everyone involved. Different people may have different experiences, but for me...
- I just plain forget sometimes, even if I'm really into the game. Sometimes it's because by the time I had time to respond, I forgot it was my turn. Sometimes it's because I need a bit of a hiatus, and during that time, I forget the thing exists most of the time and only remember when I'm not able to reply. If it's in a thread instead of PMs, I can completely lose track that it exists or anything; I'll re-mark PMs as "unread" to improve my awareness, but becoming blind to something there long enough is a thing. (Even the arrangement of food in the house helps ensure my food is always easily visible, lest it rot. I avoid using the basement fridge or crisper drawers as much as possible, because I will forget, and I paid for that stuff.) If it's been long enough when I finally remember, I may feel too bad about trying to start back up or even reach out, which goes into the next issue...
- I'm often afraid I'm being a problem in some way, and I'm not always able to push past that on my own. I might fail to reach out or respond because I'm afraid it's been too long or I'm doing things wrong somehow. I may be stuck because I feel I don't have enough to work with, or think something was misunderstood in an important way, or I just can't shake the sense that the other player(s) would prefer the game (or my participation in it) to end, etc, and I'm afraid to bring up any of those things. I might not like how the game is going in that moment, but am afraid to say anything because others are having fun or I complain too much or a thing I wanted was already accommodated. I could even just be lost on how to reach out at all because there's been so little OOC talk that it just seems awkward. Obviously, none of these things are the responsibility of anyone else to manage - but still, having someone reach out to me can be immensely reassuring and make it a bit easier to get my worries back under control and say what I need to.
Now, I don't think anyone should be shamed for not doing check-ins, even if that's entirely by choice. Everyone has different boundaries and priorities, and this is, indeed, something for fun. Yes, it's still a social thing with some basic social responsibilities, but it's still meant to be for fun.
What I do thing is that representing check-ins as intrinsically problematic is, itself, very much a problem. Putting them in a light that makes it seem like a bad thing will reduce communication and encourage more of the sorts of anxieties that get in the way of everything. Moderation is necessary, yes, but please, please be clear about the difference between a check-in and being obsessive or controlling or annoying. You can easily set back years of work overcoming anxieties and false beliefs with a single comment that aligns with those anxieties and false thoughts.
Zelphyr wrote:
I'm... a little confused by some of the responses here. Some folks seem to be relating sending a check-in to being obsessive or controlling, etc, and using that as reason not to ever check in at all...? And I'm seeing statements again inferring that if someone hasn't responded, then they can't or just plain don't want to?
Those responses were referring to the attitude of "I WILL BE M E A N AS HELL IN MY AGGRESSIVE PRODDING OF THIS PERSON WHO HAS GONE AWOL." Y'know. The sorta thing where people react really bitterly in their check-ins without even being certain of why the person has gone quiet. As in 'I will never ever speak to them again if they do not respond within 5.4 seconds. They are a cruel human being who spits on my worth as a person because they have ghosted(?) me. I will block them, curse their family name, and sacrifice the blood of their firstborn to the elder gods for this treacherous transgression they have done against me."
...Which, unfortunately, seems to have a concerning degree of prevalence around these parts.
Folks do seem to get awful aggressive about check ins, sometimes. Definitely a nice way and a petty way to go about them...
Saturninum wrote:
Zelphyr wrote:
I'm... a little confused by some of the responses here. Some folks seem to be relating sending a check-in to being obsessive or controlling, etc, and using that as reason not to ever check in at all...? And I'm seeing statements again inferring that if someone hasn't responded, then they can't or just plain don't want to?
Those responses were referring to the attitude of "I WILL BE M E A N AS HELL IN MY AGGRESSIVE PRODDING OF THIS PERSON WHO HAS GONE AWOL." Y'know. The sorta thing where people react really bitterly in their check-ins without even being certain of why the person has gone quiet. As in 'I will never ever speak to them again if they do not respond within 5.4 seconds. They are a cruel human being who spits on my worth as a person because they have ghosted(?) me. I will block them, curse their family name, and sacrifice the blood of their firstborn to the elder gods for this treacherous transgression they have done against me."
...Which, unfortunately, seems to be a concerning degree of prevalence around these parts.
Folks do seem to get awful aggressive about check ins, sometimes. Definitely a nice way and petty way to go about them...I’ve managed to not run into any of that in a long time, I think the last time I did was years ago and my simple reaction to it was “okay you’re not the kinda person I want to talk to then.” Lol
Saturninum wrote:
Those responses were referring to the attitude of "I WILL BE M E A N AS HELL IN MY AGGRESSIVE PRODDING OF THIS PERSON WHO HAS GONE AWOL." Y'know. The sorta thing where people react really bitterly in their check-ins without even being certain of why the person has gone quiet. As in 'I will never ever speak to them again if they do not respond within 5.4 seconds. They are a cruel human being who spits on my worth as a person because they have ghosted(?) me. I will block them, curse their family name, and sacrifice the blood of their firstborn to the elder gods for this treacherous transgression they have done against me."
Yeah, I mean the people who get really upset when they don't get a reply within a preset allotted amount of time. Not people who kindly say "Hey you doing alright?" or "Just checking in," those are completely acceptable and not a concern at all.
I've just had experiences and known people who have had experiences with people who start acting really passive aggressive or obsessive when you don't reply within like 10 minutes even. My brain was just going to the extremes when thinking about this. In general, I don't check in with people, but I don't think it's a bad thing as long as you're not doing it every single day, or even every couple hours. Also, as long as you do so with the understanding that sometimes, people just don't want to talk, or something could really have turned them off from the conversation. Something you may not even understand.
I think I could have better explained that before, but that's the nature of forums, huh?
So I guess it is something that comes into play more than I considered. Opinions about the matter vary so much. And I get the different reasons people handle checking in or why they don't.
Though as far as people who are passive aggressively checking in to get you the post that's a whole other issue. And I can definitely understand situations like that making checking in or being checked on uncomfortable.
I don't mind if someone checks in on me but nor do I expect them to. I really don't mind if someone is just being friendly and checking in.
For me I'm pretty fine with not being contacted and being reached out to later or those that give a heads up and take a break. I don't really have a preference when it comes to when people reach out to me as long as they aren't being rude about it.
I agree when it was stated that strangers aren't obligated to each other, but I do think that being considerate is still very important.
Not at all. I know they explained what the meant by the aggressive check in messages already so I'll just say this and I may have stated it already. I can be scatterbrained. When handled the right way checking in messages just show concern or a gentle reminder. Like you sometimes I thought I posted and I forgot. Sometimes I get busy or the rp's messages get lost in the inbox due to new DM's or responses that I've received (I should try to organize them that may help.) This happens especially when the dm messages get pushed from the 1st page of my inbox. So I like once in a while when I get a 'hey just checking.' If not it would have gotten lost otherwise.
I don't have words that's awful experience. I hope that isn't a common thing. Responding like that to a break/hiatus/end/even ghosting is way to far. Harassing your rp partner about it is a terrible way to handle it and I doubt that would make them return, but would probably affect them negatively. I know people can get very invested in rp's. I understand that. But there should be a line that you don't cross when it comes to what is said. I'm not saying that having a few days to months Silence/ghosting can be upsetting to the one left waiting but that type of reaction is beyond over the top. Regardless of who is waiting and who is away being considerate is required to a degree (situation depending).
I agree. I love rp just as much as I love writing my stories or playing games online with my friends and I don't hold it against them if they can't play or forgot a session or something in life happened. I mean it is incredibly fun to rp and it can suck when a break is needed or it ends but in the end it is fantasy. Life happens, interests change, availability shifts and I get that. I'd never hold it against someone or worry myself over it.
All in all I think that everyone regardless of the one waiting or the one away should be try to be considerate. I think that goes a long way.
Though as far as people who are passive aggressively checking in to get you the post that's a whole other issue. And I can definitely understand situations like that making checking in or being checked on uncomfortable.
I don't mind if someone checks in on me but nor do I expect them to. I really don't mind if someone is just being friendly and checking in.
For me I'm pretty fine with not being contacted and being reached out to later or those that give a heads up and take a break. I don't really have a preference when it comes to when people reach out to me as long as they aren't being rude about it.
I agree when it was stated that strangers aren't obligated to each other, but I do think that being considerate is still very important.
Zelphyr wrote:
There's nothing inherently obsessive, controlling, or otherwise toxic about sending a single, or possibly a few (depending on circumstances) quick little messages to check in. It can actually be immensely helpful for everyone involved.
Not at all. I know they explained what the meant by the aggressive check in messages already so I'll just say this and I may have stated it already. I can be scatterbrained. When handled the right way checking in messages just show concern or a gentle reminder. Like you sometimes I thought I posted and I forgot. Sometimes I get busy or the rp's messages get lost in the inbox due to new DM's or responses that I've received (I should try to organize them that may help.) This happens especially when the dm messages get pushed from the 1st page of my inbox. So I like once in a while when I get a 'hey just checking.' If not it would have gotten lost otherwise.
Saturninum wrote:
Those responses were referring to the attitude of "I WILL BE M E A N AS HELL IN MY AGGRESSIVE PRODDING OF THIS PERSON WHO HAS GONE AWOL." Y'know. The sorta thing where people react really bitterly in their check-ins without even being certain of why the person has gone quiet. As in 'I will never ever speak to them again if they do not respond within 5.4 seconds. They are a cruel human being who spits on my worth as a person because they have ghosted(?) me. I will block them, curse their family name, and sacrifice the blood of their firstborn to the elder gods for this treacherous transgression they have done against me."
I don't have words that's awful experience. I hope that isn't a common thing. Responding like that to a break/hiatus/end/even ghosting is way to far. Harassing your rp partner about it is a terrible way to handle it and I doubt that would make them return, but would probably affect them negatively. I know people can get very invested in rp's. I understand that. But there should be a line that you don't cross when it comes to what is said. I'm not saying that having a few days to months Silence/ghosting can be upsetting to the one left waiting but that type of reaction is beyond over the top. Regardless of who is waiting and who is away being considerate is required to a degree (situation depending).
natjust wrote:
When I was younger and more RP obsessed I used to take it pretty personal when people stopped replying, but I really don't think it's healthy to be that dependent on anyone. Especially not for something as small as a play pretend, you know?
I agree. I love rp just as much as I love writing my stories or playing games online with my friends and I don't hold it against them if they can't play or forgot a session or something in life happened. I mean it is incredibly fun to rp and it can suck when a break is needed or it ends but in the end it is fantasy. Life happens, interests change, availability shifts and I get that. I'd never hold it against someone or worry myself over it.
All in all I think that everyone regardless of the one waiting or the one away should be try to be considerate. I think that goes a long way.
For me reaching out depends on the persons usual frequency. If they are usually responding daily and then disappear without a word for 2 weeks I might reach out and just check in, but make sure they know I'm in no rush for a reply but just asking how things are. But if the person tends to only be on once a week and then disappears, I would probably wait a month or more before reaching out to them myself. If they've told me beforehand that they might be a bit off-and-on then I probably wont reach out and just assume if they disappear it's one of those "off" periods.
Personally I try to let people know if something is getting in the way of my frequency, and I am generally transparent about if I am unsure when I'll be back. In those cases I appreciate if people check in on me after a few weeks/a month or so, but I'd quickly grow agitated if they reached out to me daily/weekly simply to ask about the RP. If they reach out just to talk that doesn't bother me at all regardless when it happens, I love talking to people OOC.
Personally I try to let people know if something is getting in the way of my frequency, and I am generally transparent about if I am unsure when I'll be back. In those cases I appreciate if people check in on me after a few weeks/a month or so, but I'd quickly grow agitated if they reached out to me daily/weekly simply to ask about the RP. If they reach out just to talk that doesn't bother me at all regardless when it happens, I love talking to people OOC.
Saturninum wrote:
Zelphyr wrote:
I'm... a little confused by some of the responses here. Some folks seem to be relating sending a check-in to being obsessive or controlling, etc, and using that as reason not to ever check in at all...? And I'm seeing statements again inferring that if someone hasn't responded, then they can't or just plain don't want to?
Those responses were referring to the attitude of "I WILL BE M E A N AS HELL IN MY AGGRESSIVE PRODDING OF THIS PERSON WHO HAS GONE AWOL."
...Which, unfortunately, seems to have a concerning degree of prevalence around these parts.
Folks do seem to get awful aggressive about check ins, sometimes. Definitely a nice way and a petty way to go about them...I believe it's because some people tend to read it like an "Alarm clock", a sort of reprise like your old, grumpy elementary school teacher would have when you were not paying attention because she was blind to see that maybe I had better reasons to not have my eyes glued on the blackboard (like a car-crash I was the only one to notice from the window... happened to me). Some people tend to read it as an "I don't give a duck about the roller coaster that is your life; remember that you owe me a response".
...
Mon'keighs minds truly are impressive at visualizing catastrophic scenarios, especially those who are not at ease in social situations, I believe.
Zelphyr wrote:
I'm... a little confused by some of the responses here. Some folks seem to be relating sending a check-in to being obsessive or controlling, etc, and using that as reason not to ever check in at all...? And I'm seeing statements again inferring that if someone hasn't responded, then they can't or just plain don't want to?
There's nothing inherently obsessive, controlling, or otherwise toxic about sending a single, or possibly a few (depending on circumstances) quick little messages to check in. It can actually be immensely helpful for everyone involved. Different people may have different experiences, but for me...
Now, I don't think anyone should be shamed for not doing check-ins, even if that's entirely by choice. Everyone has different boundaries and priorities, and this is, indeed, something for fun. Yes, it's still a social thing with some basic social responsibilities, but it's still meant to be for fun.
What I do thing is that representing check-ins as intrinsically problematic is, itself, very much a problem. Putting them in a light that makes it seem like a bad thing will reduce communication and encourage more of the sorts of anxieties that get in the way of everything. Moderation is necessary, yes, but please, please be clear about the difference between a check-in and being obsessive or controlling or annoying. You can easily set back years of work overcoming anxieties and false beliefs with a single comment that aligns with those anxieties and false thoughts.
There's nothing inherently obsessive, controlling, or otherwise toxic about sending a single, or possibly a few (depending on circumstances) quick little messages to check in. It can actually be immensely helpful for everyone involved. Different people may have different experiences, but for me...
- I just plain forget sometimes, even if I'm really into the game. Sometimes it's because by the time I had time to respond, I forgot it was my turn. Sometimes it's because I need a bit of a hiatus, and during that time, I forget the thing exists most of the time and only remember when I'm not able to reply. If it's in a thread instead of PMs, I can completely lose track that it exists or anything; I'll re-mark PMs as "unread" to improve my awareness, but becoming blind to something there long enough is a thing. (Even the arrangement of food in the house helps ensure my food is always easily visible, lest it rot. I avoid using the basement fridge or crisper drawers as much as possible, because I will forget, and I paid for that stuff.) If it's been long enough when I finally remember, I may feel too bad about trying to start back up or even reach out, which goes into the next issue...
- I'm often afraid I'm being a problem in some way, and I'm not always able to push past that on my own. I might fail to reach out or respond because I'm afraid it's been too long or I'm doing things wrong somehow. I may be stuck because I feel I don't have enough to work with, or think something was misunderstood in an important way, or I just can't shake the sense that the other player(s) would prefer the game (or my participation in it) to end, etc, and I'm afraid to bring up any of those things. I might not like how the game is going in that moment, but am afraid to say anything because others are having fun or I complain too much or a thing I wanted was already accommodated. I could even just be lost on how to reach out at all because there's been so little OOC talk that it just seems awkward. Obviously, none of these things are the responsibility of anyone else to manage - but still, having someone reach out to me can be immensely reassuring and make it a bit easier to get my worries back under control and say what I need to.
Now, I don't think anyone should be shamed for not doing check-ins, even if that's entirely by choice. Everyone has different boundaries and priorities, and this is, indeed, something for fun. Yes, it's still a social thing with some basic social responsibilities, but it's still meant to be for fun.
What I do thing is that representing check-ins as intrinsically problematic is, itself, very much a problem. Putting them in a light that makes it seem like a bad thing will reduce communication and encourage more of the sorts of anxieties that get in the way of everything. Moderation is necessary, yes, but please, please be clear about the difference between a check-in and being obsessive or controlling or annoying. You can easily set back years of work overcoming anxieties and false beliefs with a single comment that aligns with those anxieties and false thoughts.
This.
And -
With ADHD, time blindness is a thing. I could have forgotten to reply for a month and not realized it's been a month. I also have a special needs child, so I may forget from being so preoccupied there too. I totally appreciate messages (and patience). I try to reach out myself if I suddenly realize I've spaced.😅
It's embarrassing and I feel awful, but it does happen. It has nothing to do with not being invested.
My RP partners, at this point, are also people I do OOC things with, so we 'check up' on each other either way. I think it's sometimes easier to RP with people who can also be your friends outside of it, heh.
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